Cast of Characters
JULIE: A small town girl with big town dreams
TINA: Airhead small town girl
BETH: Cranky friend of JULIE and TINA
(Lights come up on house of the three roomies: BETH, TINA, and JULIE. The room
is decorated with some of the following: coffee table is a telephone cable
spool, a toilet seat is used as a picture frame, a dead Christmas tree is in
the corner, there is a stuffed possum on the shelf, the wall is water stained
from years of floods, Elvis memorabilia sits proudly beside the possum, a black
velvet painting hangs on the wall, etc.)
BETH: Mail call.
TINA: No thanks. I already have a man.
BETH: No, this kind of mail, stupid.
BETH: George Strait Fan Club Newsletter for Tina.
TINA: Thank you. (Opens it, excited) I love getting these almost as much as I
love my JJ.
BETH: And sadly, I don't know which I dislike more.
TINA: (Shows picture to JULIE) Check out this month's picture.
JULIE: That's obscene.
BETH: You should see what she paid for a membership. They better give her
TINA: (Tries to get JULIE to look) How'd you think they got that to hang there
JULIE: Please, I just had breakfast and now I really wish I hadn't had sausage.
BETH: (Looks at mail) Bill, bill, bill... (Throws them in garbage)
JULIE: Don't throw those away. (Rescues them)
BETH: That's where I always put the bills.
JULIE: Ah! Look at this phone bill. Final notice. Beth!
BETH: Don't worry. We got that same one two months ago. I'll just call my uncle
at the phone company. He'll take care of it.
JULIE: (Holds up bills) I don't care how many of these people you are related
to. We'll have to pay them some day.
BETH: I just figured I'd stall until I got married and then I'd make my husband
TINA: (Showing newsletter) Look. George Straight underwear.
BETH: (Looks at newsletter) You realize that when you sit down, you sit on his
JULIE: You two are so weird.
BETH: And one envelope for Julie.
JULIE: Junk mail, no doubt. Just throw it in the garbage.
BETH: Okay, if you say so. But it's a letter from Jacob.
JULIE: (Runs to grab it) Give it here. (Gets it from BETH. Exits to her room)
TINA: Jacob. The man of her dreams.
BETH: I got plenty of men in my dreams. I just wish some of them were real.
JULIE: (Off) Oh, no!
TINA: That didn't sound good.
BETH: So much for that dream.
TINA: Julie? You okay in there? Come on out, honey and talk to us.
JULIE: (Comes out) I've been afraid this would happen.
BETH: Oh, don't worry about it. He ain't worth it. Men are all jerks anyway.
They're more useless than titties on a bull.
JULIE: No, not Jacob. He's different. He's the sweetest, most sensitive guy I
BETH: If he's such a wonderful guy, why are you crying?
TINA: Did something happen to him?
JULIE: He's coming here to see me.
BETH: That's the tragic news? Girl, you need help.
TINA: Isn't that good news? Don't you want to be with him?
JULIE: I do want to be with him, but not here. He's a big city guy. He'll hate
it out here
and he'll hate me for it.
BETH: I think you're overreacting a bit.
TINA: At least give it a try.
BETH: He'll probably be so busy slobbering all over you, he won't even think
about where he's at.
TINA: He's coming here to see you, not the town.
JULIE: But what about my family. There is no way my father is going to like him.
BETH: Why not?
TINA: Now wait a minute, Beth. You know how narrow minded Julie's Pa can be.
BETH: Oh, come on. There can't be that much that would bother him.
JULIE: Well...Jacob doesn't go to church.
TINA: Oh, dear. Your Grandpa's a minister.
JULIE: He's big into the environment. He thinks all hunters should be shot.
TINA: Isn't your dad a big game hunter?
JULIE: The biggest. And my uncle is an outfitter.
BETH: Oh, boy.
JULIE: He doesn't want to have any kids. He thinks the Earth is way too
overpopulated as it is.
TINA: Doesn't your Grandmother hold the town record for giving birth to the
JULIE: They have a picture of her at the maternity ward in town.
BETH: Oh, come on. It ain't that bad. You're getting worked up over nothing.
TINA: I don't know, Beth. Remember when your cousin Earl brought home that girl
from California? She had her armpit hair braided!
BETH: She did not.
TINA: JJ said he saw it.
BETH: And aren't you wondering why JJ was looking at her armpits?
TINA: And she chained herself to the local Steak in the Rough BBQ and refused
to leave until they served salads.
JULIE: What happened to her?
TINA: She got run over by a garbage truck.
BETH: She did not.
TINA: Did so, ran right over her foot.
JULIE: How is this helping?
BETH: It's not.
TINA: Sorry. That's the last time I tell you what's on my mind.
BETH: That may be the last time something is on your mind anyway.
JULIE: Will you two knock it off?
BETH: Okay, back to your problem. (Looks at TINA) Mine ain't ever going away.
TINA: You want me to go away? Fine, I'll go away.
BETH: Oh, stop your pouting. I'm only kidding.
TINA: Jokes are only funny if both people enjoy them.
BETH: Where'd you hear that?
BETH: You know your ma told you to stop watching Oprah. She won't eat beef you
JULIE: Why do I even talk to you two about my problems?
TINA: Right. Julie's problem. How do we keep Jacob from being run over by a
BETH: Or by any other truck in town.
JULIE: It's no use. I better tell him I'm coming up there instead.
BETH: But you always do that. Aren't you out of vacation days?
JULIE: Yes, but I could take unpaid leave.
BETH: You can't afford to do that! (looks sheepish)
JULIE: And why not?
BETH: Because you just bought us a new big screen tv.
JULIE: I what?!
BETH: It'll be here tomorrow. Come on, Julie. We need a new one. The sound
doesn't work on our TV.
JULIE: I can't believe you bought a big screen TV. Couldn't you get a nice
little one? You don't have enough money for something like that.
BETH: Actually you bought it. Billy said he had your card number on file.
JULIE: You can't do that.
BETH: It was on sale.
JULIE: I can't believe the day I'm having. It has to get better than this.
Think positive, Julie. Your day will get better, your day will get better.
Maybe I'll go back to bed and start over.
TINA: That's what JJ says every time he can't...
BETH: (Stops her) Too much information, Tina.
TINA: All I was going to say is every time he forgets...
BETH: Still, too much information.
JULIE: Why does he have to come here anyway?
TINA: You know what. This sounds serious.
JULIE: You think so?
TINA: If he wants to see your home town and meet your family. That is very
BETH: But he hasn't belched your favorite song like JJ did for you. Now that's
TINA: JJ has not belched my favorite song. He belched Twinkle, Twinkle Little
Star when we went star watching.
BETH: I thought that was your favorite song.
TINA: Not since Brittney Spears came out with that song "Ooops, I did it again."
BETH: You know that is the perfect love song for you and JJ. You think we can
get JJ to belch that one?
JULIE: You two are still not helping.
BETH: You know, I hate to admit it but Tina,s got a point. I think Jacob is
getting serious and if you turn him down, you might be taking a stroll down
TINA: Breakup Street? Where's that?
BETH: Over by Clueless Court. (TINA looks confused) Anywho, you willing to take
a chance on Jacob feeling rejected?
JULIE: Not really.
TINA: He might also think you're hiding something. Remember when my brother
wouldn't let anyone in his room for the longest time, but then it started to
smell real bad and daddy broke in.
BETH: Didn't he have a sheep locked in there?
TINA: Yeah. Although we never did figure out why it was all nervous and sweaty.
BETH: Ask JJ. I'm sure he knows.
JULIE: I see what you mean though, Tina.
BETH: You do?
JULIE: If I won't let Jacob come down, he might suspect that I've got another
guy down here.
BETH: Or a sheep.
TINA: So if Jacob comes down, how do we keep him from being shot?
BETH: How about we give him a makeover.
JULIE: A makeover? What kind of makeover?
BETH: I don't know. Something that will make him fit in a little better. We
can't have him showing up here in some t-shirt saying "Eat Beef and Die."
JULIE: What ever happened to freedom of expression?
BETH: Oh, get off your high horse, Julie. You know free speech is only free
when you talk about what everyone wants to hear. You can't tell me if I went to
visit Jacob and his family wearing a "I eat endangered species for breakfast"
t-shirt that they wouldn't get upset at me. Face it, Julie. People only express
themselves around people who feel the same way.
TINA: Did that just make any sense?
BETH: Were you always this slow or did you have an accident?
END OF SCENE
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