WvP Witches vs Princesses by D. M. Larson

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ACT I SCENE 3

(Queen Gwyndolin enters. WITCHILDA enters angrily)

WITCHILDA

Mother. Why did you bother with this stupid contest?

GWYNDOLIN

To teach you a lesson, my dear.

WITCHILDA

Lesson? What lesson?

GWYNDOLIN

That just because you're the daughter of the Witch Queen doesn't mean that you're going to have everything handed to you.

WITCHILDA

Why not?

GWYNDOLIN

Because you become a spoiled brat.

WITCHILDA

I thought that was a good thing for a witch to be.

GWYNDOLIN

A spoiled brat is far worse than any witch. They are evil creatures who have lost their souls and become slaves to their desires.

WITCHILDA

And how does that make witches any different?

GWYNDOLIN

A witch likes to have a good time.  It's all fun and games for us.

WITCHILDA

It is fun being a witch. So what are you going to do with all the people we capture?

GWYNDOLIN

Eat them.

WITCHILDA

Oh, that is fun. But this contest is taking too long.  Can't we just skip to the fun part?

GWYNDOLIN

Sorry, dear. I like to play with my food first.

WITCHILDA

You're so... weird.

GWYNDOLIN

Thank you, dear.  Now off you go.  Find me some plump ones.

(Queen Gwyndolin exits)

WITCHILDA

How about some plump snails instead.

(WITCHILDA sets up a sign that says "Magic Cures.")

WITCHILDA (CONT.)

Step right up - get your magic cures here - cost you only one snail! (to audience) I love snails - escargot is heavenly - yummy to my tummy.  People taste funny. I have no clue how she can eat them.

PRINCESS PEA

I have a problem.

WITCHILDA

I can see that - I think I have something for those ears.

PRINCESS PEA

What's wrong with my ears?

WITCHILDA

Oh nothing - what can I help you with?

PRINCESS PEA

I can't sleep - I need my beauty rest.

WITCHILDA

I'll say.

PRINCESS PEA

What?

WITCHILDA

Nothing - I have just what you need - a magic pea - just put it under your mattress and you'll sleep like log.

PRINCESS PEA

Perfect!

WITCHILDA

Sweet dreams.

(PRINCESS PEA leaves)

WITCHILDA

Step right up - got your cures, got your fixes, help from your favorite witches.

(RED RIDING HOOD enters)

RED

I need some help.

WITCHILDA

What ails ya?

RED

Well there's this guy…

WITCHILDA

Always a man... Love potion?

RED

No! I want him to leave me alone.

WITCHILDA

So he needs a love option to use on you?

RED

No! I need guy spray or guy repellent or guy off or some such thing.

WITCHILDA

Here's some shampoo. Wash your hair with it and sing "I'm gonna wash that man right out of hair!" Three times and he'll stay far away from you after that.

RED

Really?

WITCHILDA

You bet your little red cape he will.

RED

Here's your snails.

WITCHILDA

And here's your shampoo.

(RED skips away happily)

(2 pirate princesses enter, NO BEARD and SHORT JANE SILVER). They have a Mermaid with them and set her down)

NO BEARD

Ahoy there witch.

WITCHILDA

You pirates talk funny.

SILVER

We be the pirate princesses and we be seeking a way to catch Peter Pan.

NO BEARD

Captain Hook will give the pirate who catches him a map to a hidden treasure.

WITCHILDA

No pirate can resist a good map.

SILVER

Ay! It be true.

NO BEARD

That Peter Pan is mighty tricky. No one can seem to catch him- argh!

SILVER

Argh!

WITCHILDA

Argh!

ALL

Argh!

SILVER

Ye know a way?

WITCHILDA

Well Peter's thing is that he is a lost boy. So let's make him found. I have a magic compass that will keep him from ever getting lost again. And when is not lost, then he will be easy to find.

NO BEARD

Makes sense to me.

WITCHILDA

Thank goodness. I don't think I could say that again.

SILVER

Let's set sail for never land.

NO BEARD

Yo ho ho!

SILVER

Aye aye matey!

WITCHILDA

Pirates are so weird.

(Mermaid sees them go and cries)

WITCHILDA (CONT.)

Yo! Hey! You forgot your mermaid.

MERMAID

They're always forgetting about me. They leave me all kinds of weird places. On docks, on ships, in alleyways... just once I wish they'd leave me at the mall.

WITCHILDA

Well... have a good a deal for you my poor unfortunate soul. One ticket to the mall coming right up.

MERMAID

Wait... no... what I really want are legs.

WITCHILDA

Legs?

MERMAID

I want to stand and run and dance... I want to kick people.

WITCHILDA

Kick people?

MERMAID

And stomp on their toes.

WITCHILDA

Wow, you're an interesting one.

MERMAID

And I want to jog. Jogging looks cool. And play golf.

WITCHILDA

Golf's not cool.

MERMAID

How would I know? I can't walk! No legs! Duh!

WITCHILDA

Fine... two legs coming right up.

MERMAID

Two?  Or three?

WITCHILDA

Two.

MERMAID

How about 12 toes?

WITCHILDA

10... like everyone else.

MERMAID

Whatever.

WITCHILDA

Get ready to run!

(WITCHILDA zaps her and sudden she can walk)

MERMAID

You did it!

WITCHILDA

Of course.

MERMAID

Gotta run!

(MERMAID gives her a snail and runs away)

WITCHILDA

Looks at all these lovely snails - yum - time to cook you my pretties - and some little hot dogs too!

END OF ACT I










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