free solo stage play script monologue


WvP Witches vs Princesses by D. M. Larson

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ACT 2 SCENE 3

(NARRATOR tries taking again... he goes to AUTHOR and begs silently)

AUTHOR

Where have you been?

(NARRATOR can't speak)

AUTHOR

Fine... here you go.

(AUTHOR holds out paper)

NARRATOR

Oh, thank you, thank you.  I will never doubt you or insult you or borrow your horse ever again.

AUTHOR

You borrowed my horse?!

NARRATOR

Did I say that? I was just joking.

AUTHOR

Never joke about a man's horse.

NARRATOR

Fine. No more horsing around.

AUTHOR

I must admit. This story is badly in need of a narrator.

NARRATOR

Is everyone getting confused?

AUTHOR

I think so. I believe I've lost them. Look at that person over there.  Asleep!

NARRATOR

Not anymore.

AUTHOR

This is terrible. And that person in the back. Look at their confused look…

NARRATOR

The classic blank stare.

AUTHOR

Let's go back there and explain the story to them.

NARRATOR

Prepare to be dazzled in the back row.

(AUTHOR and NARRATOR exit through the audience. An angry mob is led by the BERTHA, followed by FLIM, FLAM and the 3 Princesses who are itching like crazy)

TREE

None shall pass!

BERTHA

We're an angry mob and we demand to see the witch.

TREE

They don't look that angry.

BERTHA

Come on people - look angry - look mean.

(They sort of try but fail)

BERTHA

We'll burn you down if you don't let us through.

TREE

I don't see any torches.

BERTHA

Who was supposed to bring the torches?

(Flim and Flam point at each other)

PRINCESS KAY

I have a little mirror - I could shine a moonbeam at it.

PRINCESS BEE

Chop it down!

PRINCESS DEE

I will go find a flock of woodpeckers!

(PRINCESS DEE makes weird bird sounds. KATE rushes in)

KATE

Please everyone - be reasonable - you don't need to resort to violence.

BERTHA

That's the only fun way though.

FLIM AND FLAM

Fun! fun! fun!

(They push KATE around)

KATE

No, I will not let you hurt this tree - it's an ancient and magical tree - it is home to the rare little dancing fairies. Without these trees how will they live?

PRINCESS KAY

Little fairies!

PRINCESS BEE

I want one!

PRINCESS DEE

How much do they cost?

TREE

They're not for sale.

PRINCESS KAY

Come on. Everyone has a price.

TREE

Not me. I'm a tree. I have use for money.

BERTHA

Pay me to catch one for you.

PRINCESS BEE

Ok.

KATE

Never!

(KATE stands up to BERTHA)

BERTHA

Get her.

(FLIM and FLAM go after KATE - she does some karate chops and knocks them out - BERTHA tries next and KATE does the same)

TREE

Well done Kate the Great.

KATE

Thank you. I had to do something. I couldn't let them hurt those cute little fairies.

(Little fairies do a little dance for her and give her a gift)

TREE

Wow, you didn't even have to tell any jokes to get them to dance.

KATE

Jokes?

(WITCHY comes out)

WITCHY

You tell jokes to get past the tree.

PRINCESS KAY

I know a good one... Here's a Frozen joke... What would you get if you crossed Elsa with a vampire? ...Frost bite!

PRINCESS BEE

I know a better one. Why was Cinderella such a lousy baseball player? ...She had a pumpkin for a coach!

PRINCESS DEE

I have the best one of all. Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team? ...She always ran away from the ball!

(TREE laughs - fairies come out to do a dance but see it is the Princesses and stick out their tongues instead and exit)

WITCHY

There's the way in... Head right over to the complaint department... Up up up you lazy bums.

(She gets BERTHA, Flim and Flam up. KATE gets in a karate stance and they run)

WITCHY

The complaint department is the thing that looks like a cage... Yes right through there.

KATE

A cage? What are you up to witch?

WITCHY

That's for me to know and you never to find out.

(WITCHY leaves. NARRATOR enters)

NARRATOR

Little does Kate the Great know but the witch has captured them for the contest.

KATE

She has! Oh no!

NARRATOR

Wait, she's not supposed to hear me.

KATE

Hear you say what?

NARRATOR

What's going on here?

AUTHOR

Are you complaining how I am writing his again?

NARRATOR

But she is not so supposed to hear me - there are rules.

AUTHOR

How else is she supposed to find out about the witch contest and how the witch queen Gwyndolin is going to eat all the people the witches capture.

KATE

The witch queen! That's terrible. I have to stop those witches!

NARRATOR

I guess she can hear it right from the Author.

AUTHOR

I guess so.

NARRATOR

Suddenly... the narrator found herself in Hawaii!

AUTHOR

It doesn't say that.

NARRATOR

It was worth a try.

AUTHOR

As our story draws to an end…

NARRATOR

It can't be over already.

AUTHOR

I'm afraid so.

NARRATOR

Make it longer... please…

AUTHOR

The best you can hope for is a sequel.

NARRATOR

I could live with that.

AUTHOR

On with the show!

(Hands over paper. AUTHOR exits)

NARRATOR

"The people of fairy tale land have been captured by those witches three. They are caged like animals and may never be free. As the witch Queen approaches, they wonder what to do. But their hopes were fading fast and their spirits too." Hey! It's like a poem.

(AUTHOR returns with some ice cream)

AUTHOR

I know... pretty good huh?

(KATE enters and poses)

NARRATOR

"But all is not lost because Kate the Great is here. She has a plan and will face them without fear."

KATE

I will?  What's the plan?

AUTHOR

I haven't written that part yet.

KATE

Well, hurry up and write it. These people are in trouble.

AUTHOR

Ow!

KATE

What's wrong?

AUTHOR

Writer's block... ow! It happens whenever I eat ice cream that's too cold.

NARRATOR

I thought that was brain freeze?

AUTHOR

Ow! Can't write…

NARRATOR

We have to do something.

KATE

Come with me. There's this dragon around the corner. We'll get him to defrost his head.

AUTHOR

Dragon? No... oh... ow!

(KATE and AUTHOR exit)

NARRATOR

Well... uh... hi... I guess while we wait for an ending to be written, we can see what's going on over at the cages where the witches have captured everyone for Queen Gwyndolin's contest. All the captives have been numbered for the final count. Who will win the One Trick Pony and one magical wish?

(All the captives come out with numbers on them. Queen GWYNDOLIN checks them out… WITCHILDA takes a number away from WITCHY's group and puts it on herself - GWYNDOLIN counts her)

GWYNDOLIN

And the winner is... my own special girl... daughter and future queen... WITCHILDA!

WITCHILDA

Oh yeah!

(WITCHILDA does a dance of joy. Queen GWYNDOLIN holds up a little statue of a pony or a stuffed animal pony)

GWYNDOLIN

Here is the one trick pony. What do you wish for?

WITCHILDA

A trip to Hawaii!

GWYNDOLIN

So be it!

(GWYNDOLIN holds out an airline ticket and puts flowers around her neck)

WITCHILDA

Thank you, mommy.

(WITCHILDA goes. NARRATOR can chase after her and say "Wait for me" - WITCHY and Carey POTTER get mad and stomp off)

GWYNDOLIN

Now the real fun begins. Let's play the Hungry Games!  Everyone here has a number on them.  I will spin the giant wheel and see who gets eaten first.  Will we have some Red Riding Food?

RED

Where's the Big Bad Wolf when I need him?!

GWYNDOLIN

Or perhaps a mermaid fish dish.

(Mermaid is in her fish tail form again)

MERMAID

There's something fishy going on here.

RED

Yeah, she's gonna eat us you bubble head.

GWYNDOLIN

Maybe some Princess Split Pea Soup?

PRINCESS PEA

I do really like soup. Sounds yummy.

GWYNDOLIN

Poor Princess Pea... always eating what you shouldn't.

RED

You're one to talk.

PRINCESS PEA

So we eating or not?

RED

Yes, she's having you for dinner.

PRINCESS PEA

Oh goody.

GWYNDOLIN

Or maybe I'm in the mood for some Yo Ho Gurt.

NO BEARD

If you wanna set sail for me fist, you can try.

SILVER

You'll never take me alive!

GWYNDOLIN

I can cook you dead or alive.

NO BEARD and SILVER

Yo ho... no.

NO BEARD

That's okay. We're not hungry.

GWYNDOLIN

But I am my dear... quite hungry. Let's spin the wheel.

(Whatever number comes up, someone takes it off of themselves and puts it on PRINCESS PEA)

PRINCESS PEA

Oh goody... I have that number.  Am I the winner?

RED

Yes, Princess. You're the big winner. Bon appetite!

PRINCESS PEA

I hope she has cake. I love cake.

NO BEARD

Please! Somebody stop her!

PRINCESS PEA

But cake is so good.

SILVER

Not you... her. Queen Gwyndolin.

(KATE enters)

KATE

I will stop her!

(All the prisoners yell Hurray!)

PRINCESS BEE

What you going to do?

KATE

There is one thing that can stop a witch.

PRINCESS DEE

A bucket of water?

PRINCESS KAY

A house falling on her?

PRINCESS BEE

Deodorant?

KATE

A random act of kindness.

(KATE pulls out some flowers and starts giving them to everyone. She gets to the BERTHA and gives her a flower with a nervous smile)

BERTHA

Even me?

KATE

Especially you.

FLIM AND FLAM

Flowers, flowers, flowers.

(KATE gives them flowers too)

KATE

How about some hugs too?

(KATE hugs one of the witches)

WITCHY

A hug is kind of nice - can I have a flower too?

GWYNDOLIN

Stop! What are you doing?! I can't stand all this... nicey-nice stuff you're doing. I hate flowers. No... no... this is too good. So terribly good. It makes me sick... sick, sick, sick! Oh my stomach... you gave me a tummy ache with all that do-gooder, kindness crap! I lost my appetite.  Happy?!  Thanks for making me lose my lunch.

ALL

Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!  Hurray for Kate the Great!

RED

So you're not going to eat us?

PRINCESS PEA

And there's no cake?

MERMAID

Will you please set us free?

GWYNDOLIN

How about a dance off?  I do love dancing.

RED

A dance off?

GWYNDOLIN

The group that does the best dance gets to go free.  The ones who do the worst dance will be eaten.

NO BEARD

We are good dancers.

SILVER

Sounds like a good deal to me.

MERMAID

If only I had my legs, I could dazzle them with my dance moves.

(GWYNDOLIN waves her hand)

GWYNDOLIN

Dance mermaid. Dance!

MERMAID

That's what I'm talking about!

RED

Let's dance.

(One group does a dance. GWYNDOLIN gets pushed around and trampled by them. Then another group does a dance and GWYNDOLIN is trampled again. Then another group does a dance and tramples her)

PRINCESS PEA

So who won?

MERMAID

What happened to the witch?

RED

I think we trampled her during our dance.

NO BEARD

We swabbed the deck with her.

SILVER

I guess that means we all go free!

ALL

Hurray!

(AUTHOR and NARRATOR enter)

AUTHOR

How's that for an ending?

NARRATOR

It's no War and Peace but it will do.

AUTHOR

Have you ever read War and Peace?

NARRATOR

Who hasn't?

AUTHOR

Anywho... I believe that ends our tale.

NARRATOR

And in this story we did not fail,

AUTHOR

To teach you a thing or two.

NARRATOR

About what you should or shouldn't do.

AUTHOR

Greed makes you blind to tricks and traps.

NARRATOR

And gets you cages like some kind of rats.

AUTHOR

And a random act of kindness wins in the end.

NARRATOR

And now friendships are on the mend.

AUTHOR

Chose not selfish things or anything gory.

NARRATOR

Instead go in peace and remember this story.

END OF PLAY

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