by D. M. Larson
A woman, MRS. BAKER, goes to the river and looks around.
There is some, GEORGE, hiding behind a tree DR (down right). The river is DOWN off the edge of the stage.
Before the start of the play, you can have the audience practice being a river
by waving your arms. If you have a large cast of actors, then you can
have them play the river in front of the audience.
George? Are you here?
George is behind a tree. He is in shadow and can hardly be seen.
No, go away.
George cries loudly.
It looks like he needs some cheering up. And I know his
favorite thing. Gingerbread cookies!
Mrs. Baker goes to the local village store with her shopping
list. The store can be as simple as a lemon-aid stand. People
are lined up. MRS. VENDI is selling stuff.
I need 1 milk, 2 butters, 3 crackers, 4 apples and 5 gumdrops.
Do you want the regular gumdrops or magic ones?
Here is your food.
He sticks his head in the bag and starts eating happily and
leaves. GAL walks up.
I need 5 hot dogs, 4 nut logs, 3 candy hogs, 2 pairs of togs and 1 gumdrop.
Regular gumdrops or magic ones?
Here you go.
GAL walks off with her bag shaking and her making animal
Bark, oink, bark, oink.
MRS. BAKER has her turn.
How can I help you?
I need the following ingredients. 2/3 cup shortening,
1/2 cup brown sugar, 1 teaspoon of cinnamon, a quarter teaspoon of cloves, 2
teaspoons ground ginger...
Wait a minute!
You're not making a Gingerbread Man again are you?
VENDI looks at BAKER suspiciously as she fills a bag with the
A pinch of salt, three-quarter cup of molasses, 3 cups of
flour, an egg...
VENDI tosses egg into bag. BAKER looks annoyed but
1/2 teaspoon of baking powder, 1 teaspoon of baking soda
Regular or magic?
VENDI looks at BAKER critically. BAKER pauses
dramatically and says...
You are making a Gingerbread Man! Do you remember the
last Gingerbread Man you made? He nearly destroyed our village! He
scared the cows.
People (Farmer, Bo Peep, Mary, etc.) and animals (Cow, Cat,
Sheep, etc.) gather.
He came in the dell and took my dog and my cat!
The cat came back the very next day but my dog is still missing!
He made me lose my sheep.
And he scared my little lamb so bad she follows me everywhere now... to school, to church... she even followed me to the mall. That is so uncool.
They all scream and run around.
I think you're all overreacting.
Doom on you. Doom on you. Doom on you.
Sorry, but I'm buying the magic gumdrops.
The people and animals watch in horror as VENDI gets out her
radiation goggles and gloves and tongs and pulls out magic gumdrops from a
special box. Lights flicker. Ominous music is heard. Everyone runs away
in horror. Vendi puts them in bag and lights go back to normal and music
I can't believe you lied to everyone.
I didn't lie. I'm not making a Gingerbread Man.
I'm making a Gingerbread Girl.
VENDI pushes her cart off and BAKER walks UC to her
kitchen/lab. IGOR, her hunchbacked assistant, comes out.
I have the oven ready master.
Here are the ingredients.
IGOR takes the ingredients.
Did you get the magic gumdrops?
I shall prepare the batter.
Thank you, Igor.
IGOR exits with bag. FARMER and PEEP lead COPS onto
stage and point at BAKER.
She bought magic gumdrops.
I saw it too. She's going to destroy us all.
Just the facts, ma'am.
We're on the case.
Lock and load.
FARMER and PEEP leave as the three COPS pull out their
guns. The first draws a banana, the second draws a big squash, the third
draws a long roll of French bread. They walk up to BAKER's house while
dramatic police music plays. BAKER rolls her eyes and confronts them.
There's nothing to see here.
Come quietly or there will be... trouble.
I did nothing wrong in the eyes of the law.
Do you feel lucky, Baker?
I know my 4th amendment rights. You going to charge me
with something? If not, I going to nail you for police harassment.
Go ahead, make my day.
Igor pushes in a table that looks like a giant baking tray
and has a big bowl of batter on it.
Master... I have prepared the... uh...
Igor sees the cops.
Perfectly innocent... uh... healthy... salad.
It's okay, Igor. There's no law against making cookies.
There should be.
Let's go boys.
But we've got our eyes on you, Baker. Don't try any
COPS leave with police music. They stop and do a few
Charlie's Angels poses and go. Igor pours the batter onto the table (this
can be done symbolically).
Little do they know, Igor, that this time I'm not making a
monster. I'm making a new kind of cookie. A cookie that will be
kind, helpful and perhaps even love.
A storm is heard in the distance and it is getting darker.
The batter is ready, master.
Cover it up. I hear a storm coming.
Igor covers the table in aluminum foil and Baker gets out a
lightening rod of some sort. The storm grow louder and it gets
darker. The part of the stage with the table is totally dark and the
switch with GINGER and the batter is made. People and animals gather at
the edge of the stage looking scared (or they can go in the audience and be
scared and talk to audience member about how scary it is). Their job is
the distract the audience while the switch of batter for GINGER is made.
We must hurry. There isn't much time.
IGOR helps BAKER get the rod hooked up to the table by a wire
and up in the air.
Where are the gumdrop buttons!
BAKER adds the buttons to the tray.
Lighting (lights) flash. Total darkness.
Screams. People and animals leave. Then lights come up.
GINGER rises off the table. She's a gingerbread
girl. She looks like a cookie version of Ginger for Gilligan's Island.
She's a work of art.
Is that all she can say?
Can you say your name? Gin-ger.
She can be taught.
Can you teach her this?
IGOR rubs his tummy and pats his head. GINGER does it.
Beautiful and smart. Now try this... "If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits...
IGOR does a silly dance. GINGER tries but looks faint.
"Puttin on the Ritz."
Stop... she looks tired.
BAKER rushes and gets a blanket and pillow. She puts
the blanket down on the ground and helps GINGER place her head on the pillow.
Sleep Ginger... Sleep.
Let's go, Igor.
IGOR and BAKER leave. Night sky with pretty stars
appear. Then a shadowy figure, MAN, appears. He calls out in a
faint ghostly voice.
GINGER sits up. She looks around. MAN hides so he
isn't seen. She tries to go back to sleep.
Run... run... as fast as you can...
GINGER sits up again and looks scared. She still
doesn't see the MAN who has gotten pretty close. She tries to go back to
Run... run... as fast as you can... you can't catch me!
GINGER sits up and MAN is near her. She screams.
MAN quickly covers her mouth.
Run, Ginger. Run, run, away.
Lighting, thunder. Then darkness.
Lights come up and BAKER rushes in with IGOR.
What is it, Ginger?
GINGER points off where MAN was.
Run... run away.
She must have had a bad dream.
GINGER jumps up and runs off stage.
Here we go again.
BAKER and IGOR run off stage. Animals wander on
stage and settle down to sleep. The FARMER walks out with a shovel (or
pitchfork) and watches out for his animals. Bo Peep leads out her sheep.
Don't you worry. I'll keep an eye on these critters for
Thank you. I'll be at the mall with Mary if you need
MARY enters with LAMB.
No you're not coming.
LAMB sits with other animals. PEEP and MARY
leave. LAMB sneaks off after them. FARMER watches. Nothing
but snoring animals can be heard. He leans on his shovel and falls
asleep. MAN runs on.
Run... run... fast as you can!
MAN runs off and GINGER runs on scared. She steps on
the dog's tail and he barks. GINGER screams. Animals freak
out. FARMER falls and the animals trample him. GINGER runs
off. Stage becomes clear except for FARMER who is motionless a
moment. Then he says:
BAKER and IGOR enter.
They help up FARMER.
You've done it again, Baker. You have another monster
on the loose.
It can't be. I used the best ingredients on her.
It's those magic gumdrops I tell you. They're cursed!
Let's go, Igor.
All clear the stage. GINGER comes on stage looking
scared. Sirens are heard. GINGER runs and hides behind the tree.
COPS run out and scramble. They run into each other. Fall.
Then they get up and run around again. They end up capturing something
behind the tree, but it's not GINGER. It's LAMB.
Alright you... talk!
It's okay... you can talk to us.
We can do this the easy way...
Or the hard way.
You can tell us anything.
Talk! Or we'll make you into a sweater.
We know you're innocent. Just tell us what you saw.
I knew it!
Good, good. And then what happened?
That's it! Case closed.
Alright. You can go, Lamb. But don't leave town.
LAMB rushes off stage.
So what did she say?
I have no clue. I thought you understood her.
You knuckle heads. Go get her.
COPS rush off. GINGER comes out of hiding. She hears crying. She looks around tree. She sees a FOX.
Please, go away.
FOX cries more. GINGER goes up to him and offer a
FOX blows noisily on the tissue. He hands it back and
GINGER tosses it. FOX sees her better now.
GINGER nods. FOX moans.
Oh, I was hoping I'd never see another Gingerbread person
GINGER is sad and cries.
I'm sorry. That was a mean thing to say. It's
just that I ate the last Gingerbread person to come here and now I have a
horrible tummy ache.
GINGER stops crying.
I wish I could do something about it. It fills like
he's a big lump in my stomach that I can't get out.
GINGER goes up to FOX and listens to his stomach.
Run... run... as fast as you can...
Yes, he's still singing in there too. I can't sleep!
I will... help.
GINGER takes FOX and pushes him into the river (off front of
stage). Actors playing water make waves or someone gets the audience to
Help! Help! I can't swim on a full stomach.
Oh, oh. Cramp! I'm going down.
BAKER and IGOR rush on along with COPS. COPS grab
GINGER. She points at water.
Somebody save the fox! I'm going down again.
Good-bye cruel world!
FOX goes down. BAKER jumps in the water. Fox pops
up one last time.
I got you.
IGOR and COPS help them back on stage. FOX falls to the
ground. GINGER runs to him and pushes on his stomach. The others
rush and block the audiences view and the GINGERBREAD MAN pops up and they back
I'm free! I'm free!
You're under arrest.
I'm not free.
We're taking you downtown.
You'll never take me alive.
Grab his gumdrops.
Not my gumdrop buttons!
COP 1 rips buttons off MAN. MAN falls. GINGER
Another job well done.
Certainly! Let's go.
GINGER is next to MAN. BAKER tries to comfort her.
He's like me.
I will help him.
GINGER pulls off one of her gumdrop buttons...
GINGER puts the button on MAN. He comes back to life.
You saved me.
I saved him.
See... she can be taught.
Quick. Grab him before he makes a break for it.
No, I don't want to run anymore.
Will you stay?
Awww... they're so sweet.
GINGER and MAN look at each other all silly and sappy.
You think I used a little too much sugar?
The light gets bright like a sunrise. Happy music
plays. The entire cast comes out and everyone breaks out in dance (insert
musical number here).
And so Ginger and the Gingerbread Man lived...
Happily Ever After!
END OF PLAY
Gingerbread Girl Cast List
Guy and Gal - villagers who wants to buy from Vendi
Vendi - food seller with magic gumdrops
Cops 1, 2, 3
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"GUARDIANS OF THE WALLET" by D. M. Larson
An ambulance is coming for you now. And the policy will cover that ride so you're in luck.
(Ralph waves good-bye and watches person go)
He's lucky. Most people wait until it's too late. Last minute is always better than never. Sometimes I think I should set up my office in the lobby of the hospital emergency room. I could probably sign up half the room as they are waiting... what else are they going to do while they wait for help? Come on. What's the number one thing on their minds? They worry about how they'll pay for the hospital. That's where I come in. I kind of see myself as a hero... swooping in to save the day... can't pay your medical bill? Let me do it for you. I know no one sees an insurance salesman as a hero but we really are. You know how much that heart attack would have cost him without me? You know how much a car accident would cost without insurance? We're not the bad guys... we're your knight in shining armor, protecting you from going bankrupt. We are the guardians of the wallet. Don't let them suck you dry. Insurance will protect you... save you... rescue you... and that's what I wanted to always do with my life. Be a hero.
END OF MONOLOGUE
**** “The Cynical Professor” a monologue by D. M. Larson
Okay class. I know you hate classes that are required for your degree so I am going to try and make this as painless as possible.
Because you're taking a lot of loans, using a lot of credit and building up some serious debt to be here, I don't want this class to be any more difficult than it needs to be. I mean you are going to be paying off these loans for the next 20 or 30 years. It's like you're taking out a mortgage and buying a house. And who can afford a house mortgage anymore when you have all these loans, credit and debts piling up just so you can get a degree in Egyptology or Greek mythology?
That brings me to lesson number one in your Freshman Orientation class. You want to make all your loans worthwhile? You want to be able to pay off your credit card debt when you graduate? Then become a lawyer.
Come on... What's with the moans and growns? Being an attorney can be great. Are you a tree hugger and love the Earth? Be an environmental lawyer. Are you into women's rights? There's a attorney for that. Want to help people who are defaulting on their mortgage and losing their homes or being crushed by credit card debt? There are lawyers for that too. Lawyers make a difference. Lawyers change things. Call an attorney if you want to get things done.
Law not for you? You could play the stock market and do some day trading. Or you could be a software designer. Maybe be an engineer and figure out new ways to get us the limitless electricity that we demand or come up with alternate fuels so we no longer need gas in our cars. You can still help the world without picking a degree that will drown you in debt that you can never pay back.
If you want to study a dead language or some mythological beast, go hang out in the library or watch the History Channel, but don't run up thousands of dollars in loans to study something that won't pay the bills. A Egyptologist is not going to change the world, but an attorney just might have the power to right some wrong.
Gandhi was a lawyer. So was Abraham Lincoln. And Nelson Mandela. These are great people that left their mark on history and transformed nations. I'm not telling you to transfer out of your history classes. History has wonderful lessons for us. I'm telling you not to major in it. Learn from history but then USE what you learned. Go out there and change things. And who better to change things than someone who understands how the system works than a lawyer.
Those of you that agree with me will go declare their majors - pre-law, engineering or economics. Those of you that don't, head on over to the library and write me a 10,000 word report on why your major is so awesome and a plan how you are going to pay off all that debt.
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