Good Deeds and Such

Monologue by D. M. Larson

Adapted from the published play "Holka Polka" ISBN-13: 978-1502445490




HILDA
All right, you witches. We've got ourselves a PR problem here.


Witches have got a seriously bad reputation here in Fairy Tale Land and it's only getting worse since the Hansel and Gretel incident. I mean, come on people. Eating children. That's just low.


The fairies are thinking of getting rid of all magic.


They can and they will unless we turn things around and prove we can handle having it.


They gave it to Fairy Tale Land in the first place. And now they want it all back because they think we can't handle it.


We have a crisis here. I mean, what's a witch without her magic?


We're nothing, I tell you. Nothing! We'll be just a bunch of creepy old hags with bad hair and skin.


We have to do a major PR thing. Good deeds and stuff.


No?


Then say "poof" to your magic and learn to use chopsticks because that's all our wands will be good for.


We need to do a good deed. Not just any good deed, but a whopper of a good one.


We're going to save the Prince... Aka Sleeping Handsome.


But think of the PR. Witches saving the Prince who has been put under a sleeping spell. And we must do it before some bubble headed princess manages to beat us to it.


END OF MONOLOGUE




"Good Deeds and Such" is a monologue from the published play "Holka Polka" by D. M. Larson ISBN-13: 978-1502445490

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SHORT SELECTION FROM THE SCRIPT

Scene 1

 

(Witches gathered at meeting. Witches and wizards in background can resemble famous ones from movies, books and TV. Witches are all talking and cackling loudly)

 

HILDA

Hey, you witches. Quiet down.

                        (All WITCHES continue to talk)

Everyone quiet before I turn you all into toads!

 

(Talking dies down except for one witch ZOOM who keeps talking about her new broom. HILDA goes over to her and gives her the evil eye)

 

ZOOM

And this new broom I got has the coolest features. It can go 0 to 60 in a scream and...

                        (She stops and turns to see HILDA)

Sorry!

                        (HILDA pulls out her wand and ZOOM runs)

No!

 

(ZOOM is off stage and HILDA waves her wand and there is a boom and the lights go up and down. After a moment:)

 

ZOOM (off)

Ribbit!

 

HILDA

All right, you witches. We've got ourselves a serious PR problem here.

 

ZORKA

What do you mean?

 

HILDA

Witches have got a seriously bad name here in Fairy Tale land and it's only getting worse since the Hansel and Gretel incident. I mean, come on people. Eating children. That's just low.

 

SWEET

But they were eating my sister's house, Eating it! Can you believe it? I've heard of eating someone out of house and home but that's ridiculous.

 

HILDA

That's what she gets for making her house out of candy.

 

SWEET

But candy is the construction material of tomorrow. I'd bet my wand on it.

 

GRANDOLT

So you witches have a problem then. Why do we wizards need to be here?

 

HILDA

Because they're thinking of getting rid of all magic.

 

INKANTADORA

What? They can't do that.

 

HILDA

They can and they will unless we turn things around and prove we can handle having magic.

 

GRANDOLT

Wait a minute. Who is saying they will take our magic?

 

HILDA

The fairies.

 

                        (All witches and wizards respond in knowing disgust)

 

ZORKA

The fairies. It figures.

 

INKANTADORA

Can they really take our magic?

 

HILDA

They gave it to fairytale land in the first place. And now they want it all back because they think we can't handle it.

 

SWEET

That's so like them. All kind and giving and they make everyone all happy and then they snatch is away.

 

GRANDOLT

So what do we do to keep our magic?

 

ZORKA

Dress like fairies?

 

                        (ZORKA flitters around and witches cackle)

 

HILDA

This is no time for jokes. We have a crisis here. I mean, what's a witch without her magic?

 

SWEET

A really bad cook?

 

HILDA

We're nothing, I tell you. We'll be just a bunch of old ladies!

                        (GANDOLT clears his throat)

And men with bad hair and skin.

 

SWEET

I always thought I was pretty enough to be a fairy.

 

ZORKA

Somebody's magic mirror has been lying to them.

 

                        (SWEET gives ZORKA a dirty look)

 

GANDOLT

So what do we do, Hilda? How do we save our magic?

 

HILDA

We have to do a major PR thing. Good deeds and stuff.

 

ZORKA

Good deeds.

 

INKANTADORA

We can't do that. It's so... not us.

 

HILDA

Then say "poof" to your magic and learn to use chopsticks because that's all our wands will be good for.

 

GANDOLT

Fine, fine. Tell us what we need to do, Hilda.

 

HILDA

We need to do a good deed. Not just any good deed, but a whopper of a good one.

 

ZORKA

I could let that one girl out of that tower?

 

SWEET

And I could let those kids out of my cookie jar?

 

HILDA

No, bigger. We're going to save the Prince.

 

ZORKA

THE Prince?

 

INKANTADORA

Oh, dear. The fairies won't like that.

 

HILDA

But think of the PR. Witches saving the Prince. And before some bubble headed princess manages to do it.

 

GANDOLT

So what's wrong with the Prince?

 

HILDA

He's been put under a sleeping spell.

 

(ZORKA pokes SNORZ who wakes up. SNORZ is an old Italian godfather type wizard)

 

SNORZ

What? I didn't do it.

 

HILDA

No, none of us did it. It may have been a fairy.

 

ZORKA

A fairy turned bad, on the next Jerry Springer.

 

SNORZ

So you want me to wake him up?

 

HILDA

No, we need to do a whole makeover. We need to send the nicest, cutest witch we can find.

 

SWEET

Well, if you insist.

 

INKANTADORA

Oh, please.

 

ZORKA

She's cute in the dark.

 

END OF SAMPLE SCENE


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