romantic comedy free play script

HEART ATTACK by D. M. Larson (a free play for four actors)




DEDICATION: To my beautiful wife Shiela who is a great kisser and saved me from a heart attack.


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SCENE 1

People are on a subway.  A woman (Dana) is standing listening to music.  Gus is sitting looking at his watch impatiently.  Jay is next to him with a magazine.  Lissy sits a ways away reading a book.

GUS

How long have we been stuck here?  I don't think we've moved at all in an hour.  I can't sit here all day. Uh... this is driving me nuts.  What's the hold up?

Jay

No clue.  Did you see this article about peace negotiations in North Korea?  Kim Jong Un says he'll only talk to Angelina Jolie.  Somebody wants a spanking.

GUS

What? Oh, man.

Dana looks over at Gus and notices he is in distress.

JAY

I made that last part up.  It doesn't say that.

GUS

Man... oh...

JAY

You okay?

GUS

I... uh... man...

JAY

You don't look so good.

GUS

What's wrong with me? 

JAY

Maybe it's something you ate.  That egg salad sandwich was not a natural color.

GUS

Man... Uh!  I think this is it... this is that heart attack my doctor promised me... I think this is the big one...

Jay

Geez... really?  Now?  Can't you hold it in or something?

GUS

Oh... oh... man!

Suddenly Dana goes over to Gus, sits next to him and gives him a huge kiss.  He is startled at first and then calms down and enjoys it.  She stops kissing and Gus looks very happy.

Dana

There.  Better?

GUS

All better.

DANA

Good.

Dana goes back to her spot and listen to her music again.  Gus and Jay look at her in amazement.

JAY

What was that all about?

LISSY

You were probably just having a panic attack.  She snapped you out of it.

GUS

I'll say.

JAY

Panic again... let's see what she does.

Dana smirks but doesn't look at them.

GUS

Thank you.

Dana shrugs.

JAY

She's hot too.  Ask her out.

GUS

What? 

JAY

She's hot and she kissed you.  Ask her out.

GUS

But... I... I'm so confused.

JAY

The kiss was that good huh?

GUS

Better than good.  That was the best kiss I've had in my whole life.

Dana smiles to herself and does something flirty with her hair.

JAY

She's flirting.  Go for it.

GUS

Uh... uh...

JAY

That's good. Panic.  She likes that.

GUS

Stop.

JAY

No, you stop.  Stop being so shy.  Stop missing out on life.  Stop hiding.  Life walked up to you and kissed you on the lips.  Give life a chance.  Quit being so dead all the time.

GUS

I have been, haven't I?  Dead... dead for a long time.  I can't remember the last time I felt alive.

JAY

I've known you a long time and I can't remember either.

GUS

What happened to me?

JAY

That's the problem.  Nothing happened.  You never take a chance.  You never take a risk.  You play it safe and nothing happens to you.

GUS

Until now.

JAY

Until now.  And now looks pretty good from where I'm sitting.

Dana gives Jay a dirty look.

JAY (CONT.)

She's a firecracker.  Go talk to her.

GUS

But what if... I mean if she...

JAY

She kissed you idiot.  She likes you.  Go before I kick you in the balls.

GUS

What?

JAY

I will hurt you if you don't go talk to her.

GUS

Fine.  Geez. 

Gus goes shyly over to Dana.  He isn't sure what to say.

DANA

Hi.  I'm Dana.

GUS

Hi.  I'm the guy you kissed... Gus.

DANA

That's a cute name.

GUS

Really?

DANA

Adorable.

GUS

It's short for Angus.

DANA

Even cuter.

GUS

So... uh... why... uh...

DANA

Why did I kiss you?

Gus laughs.

GUS

Yes.

DANA

Believe it or not, we ride this subway a lot together.  I watch you... because there's something about you that's different from everyone... a sweetness about you.  You always give up your seat for women.  You even did for me once.  If someone forgets a coat or a bag, you get it and chase after them.  If a woman is being bugged by some creepy guy and they don't like it, you'll interrupt and make sure the woman safely gets to a taxi, even if the woman doesn't know you're doing it.

GUS

You saw all that.

DANA

Yup... I'm a stalker.

Gus laughs.

GUS

A good one too.  I never noticed.

DANA

I'm a ninja.

GUS

Ninja stalker.  Good combination.

DANA

Thanks.

GUS

So that's why you kissed me?

DANA

Well, in a way.  But even though you do all these nice, sweet things, you always look so stressed and unhappy.  You look like you're about to have a heart attack at any moment.  I see the panic in your eyes sometimes.  I see the stress overwhelming you. 

GUS

I didn't think anyone noticed.

DANA

Not even your friend it appears.

Jay is checking out Lissy.

GUS

He has other things on his mind.

DANA

So I told myself, next time you looked stressed and overwhelmed and on the edge of a heart attack, I was going to give you a great big kiss. 

GUS

That's crazy... and so very nice at the same time.

DANA

Did you like it?

GUS

I really liked it.  It might be the nicest thing that's ever happened to me.

DANA

Really?  That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Dana gives Gus another huge kiss.

GUS

Wow.

DANA

Wow worthy kiss... I didn't think I was that good.

GUS

You are.

DANA

I really enjoy kissing you.  I had a feeling I would.

GUS

I'm so glad you kissed me.

DANA

I'm so glad you liked it.

GUS

The next car looks empty.  Want to go over there.

DANA

And do what?

GUS

Uh... well... I just... we can... talk.

DANA

Okay.

Dana takes Gus by the hand and they exit to the next car.  Jay goes over to Lissy.

JAY

That was pretty wild huh?  Her kissing him like that.

LISSY

I thought maybe she was giving a free sample or something.

JAY

You think she's "working"?

LISSY

No, I think she is for real.  I believe her story.  I've noticed him too.  He is a pretty neat guy.  He deserves to find someone who really appreciates him for who he is.  I think we all noticed him but she was the only one willing to say anything.  Women usually don't make the first move.  And he's a sweet guy so he wouldn't make his move.  So he was alone... until now.  And now he looks so happy.  That... what happened there... was way better than this book.  Trashy romances novels try to give us the perfect fantasy but that moment there was way better because it was so much more real.  Give me five minutes of seeing that over reading hours of this junk.

JAY

So women usually don't make the first move huh?  They want to be pursued, don't they?

LISSY

Out of everything I just said, that's all you got out of it.

JAY

Pretty much... so what do you say?

LISSY

Oh, why not.

Lissy kisses Jay.  They end the kiss and look disappointed.

LISSY (CONT.)

I've had better.

JAY

Me too.

Jay goes back to his magazine and starts reading again.  Lissy returns to her novel.

END OF PLAY








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Sincerely,

D. M. and Shiela Larson


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