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KISSES LIKE A REDNECK

by D. M. Larson

Copyright © 2003, 2005

From the play OPERATION REDNECK


ISBN-13: 978-1540824349


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Cast of Characters

 

JULIE: A small town girl with big town dreams

TINA: Airhead small town girl

BETH: Cranky friend of JULIE and TINA

JJ: Redneck boyfriend of TINA

JACOB: JULIE’s big town boyfriend




 

 

Scene 1

 

(Lights come up on TINA watching at window. She seems something and gets excited)

 

TINA:

He's here. He's here.

 

 

BETH:

(Enters)

Let's see how he looks.

(Looks out window)

Oh, no. Look at his t-shirt.

 

 

(Knock at door R)

 

 

JULIE:

(Enters from kitchen L)

Let him in, Tina.

 

 

BETH:

Hurry before somebody shoots him.

 

 

TINA:

(Opens door)

Hey there.

 

 

(JACOB enters with flowers that block his shirt)

 

 

JULIE:

Jacob.

(Goes and hugs him)

 

 

JACOB:

It's so good to see you.

(Gives her some flowers but has more)

 

 

JULIE:

I sure missed you.

(They embrace)

 

 

BETH:

Maybe we better leave you two alone.

 

 

JULIE:

No, wait. I want to introduce you to Jacob. This Beth and this is Tina.

 

 

JACOB:

Nice to meet you both.

(Gives some flowers to TINA)

 

 

TINA:

(Surprised)

He's so polite.

 

 

(JACOB holds out flowers to BETH and we can see his t-shirt for the first time which says "I may be an environmentalist but I’d like to clear cut some Bushes.")

 

 

BETH:

(Doesn’t take flowers)

I thought Julie told you on the phone not to wear your t-shirts.

 

 

JACOB:

I thought this one was ambiguous enough.

 

 

TINA:

(Reads)

"I may be an environmentalist but I’d like to clear cut some Bushes."

 

(TINA looks puzzled)

 

 

BETH:

That's a lot of reading for you, Tina. You okay?

 

 

TINA:

I thought you'd be against clear cutting, Jacob. I should get my brother Jube one of these. He's a logger. I didn't think they made logging shirts.

 

 

JACOB:

I rest my case.

 

 

BETH:

Thankfully, Tina doesn't represent the average person down here. She's special.

 

 

TINA:

Thank you, Beth.

(Takes BETH’s flowers from JACOB and adds them to hers)

That's the nicest thing you've said to me all day.

(Takes JULIE’s flowers)

I'll go put these in water.

 

(TINA exits)

 

 

JULIE:

So how was your trip?

 

 

JACOB:

Good. I have no major incidents to report. I did have the sheriff follow me here from the county line though. I don't know what I did wrong but he obviously didn't think it was bad enough to pull me over.

 

 

BETH:

I can explain that. You see, the sheriff does what you call profiling. He looks for certain characteristics in strangers that send up red flags.

 

 

JACOB:

What could I possibly have done to send up a red flag?

 

 

BETH:

You're driving one of them foreign cars. That's reason enough. Plus it's not even a pickup. Now, I think someone could get away with owning a Toyota Tundra but that's iffy. They look right, but that Toyota symbol is sending out the wrong message.

 

 

JACOB:

Wow, I've never been a victim of profiling before. I feel violated somehow.

 

 

BETH:

You're going to get plenty more violated if you don't change that shirt. Where's the outfit we told you to get?

 

 

JACOB:

I've got it in my bag. Should I try it on?

 

 

JULIE:

Oh, come on, Beth. He just got here. Give him some time to relax.

 

 

BETH:

If he doesn't fit in now, he'll have plenty of time to relax... in his grave.

 

 

JULIE:

Beth's exaggerating.

 

 

BETH:

Am I?

 

 

JACOB:

I'll go change.

 

 

JULIE:

You can change in my room. Come on.

 

(Leads JACOB toward kitchen)

 

 

BETH:

Wait, Julie. Can I talk to you a second?

 

 

JULIE:

(Sighs)

Sure, Beth. Jacob, my room is through the kitchen, down the hall and the first door on the right.

 

 

JACOB:

Got it.

(Kisses her)

It's great to see you.

(Exits)

 

JULIE:

(Annoyed)

What do you want, Beth?

 

 

BETH:

What's with the attitude?

 

(TINA enters)

 

 

JULIE:

Give him a chance will you? You lay into him the second he walked in. Don't you dare scare him off.

 

 

TINA:

Wow, Julie. Last time you talked to Beth like that was in second grade and I think she knocked out all your baby teeth.

 

 

JULIE:

I'm not in the mood for your bullying today, Beth. Either be nice to Jacob or you need to go stay with your parents for a few days.

 

 

TINA:

Wow, Julie. You sound like you mean it.

 

 

JULIE:

I do.

 

 

BETH:

Okay, fine. You're right. I am being too tough on him. I was only trying to help you out, but maybe I was getting a little too carried away.

 

 

TINA:

Are you feeling okay, Beth? First you say something nice to me and then you let Julie lay down the law. I can feel the winds of change blowing.

 

 

BETH:

No, that's the air whooshing around in that empty space between your ears.

 

 

JULIE:

Beth...

 

 

BETH:

You mean I have to be nice to Tina too? This is so unfair.

 

 

TINA:

No, it's okay, Julie. Beth can be mean to me if it means she’ll be nice to Jacob.

 

 

JULIE:

Thank you, Tina. I appreciate that, but I think Beth should promise to be nice to everyone if she wants to stay.

 

 

BETH:

I shouldn't promise what I can't do.

 

 

JULIE:

Then maybe you better pack an overnight bag.

 

 

BETH:

Hey, this is my house too.

 

 

JULIE:

Only if you pay your rent on time.

 

 

BETH:

I'm only three months behind.

 

 

JULIE:

Where is your money going to anyway? You have a job down at the electronics store still don’t you?

 

 

BETH:

What do you mean "still"?

 

 

JULIE:

You haven't exactly had the most stable job history.

 

 

BETH:

That's because I have my priorities. The rodeo comes first.

 

 

JULIE:

When are you ever going to give up playing rodeo?

 

 

BETH:

I'm not playing. I've made some serious money when I’ve won.

 

 

JULIE:

And you haven't won in two years.

 

 

BETH:

I'm planning a comeback. Meanwhile, I'm making decent money at the electronics store. Joe says he might make me assistant manager.

 

 

JULIE:

If you sleep with him.

 

 

BETH:

I'm considering it. Joe ain't that bad.

 

 

JULIE:

Beth, you're way better than that. You're smart. You don't have to sink that low.

 

 

BETH:

Smart huh? I haven't been called smart since high school. Sure, I got the same kind of grades you did back then, but my brain has been rotting away down here while yours was getting educated.

 

 

TINA:

And those kicks to the head by them bulls at the rodeo haven't helped either.

 

 

JULIE:

You could go back to school you know.

 

 

BETH:

What for? All us girls do is get married and mooch off our husbands anyway. Why get educated?

 

 

TINA:

Too true.

 

 

JULIE:

I'm going to have to work on your attitudes. Maybe that's why I ended up back here. I'm meant to help give women a new outlook.

 

 

BETH:

You can help by figuring out what I did to my bank account.

 

 

JULIE:

So where is all your money going?

 

 

BETH:

I think it's because I'm still paying off my car stereo.

 

 

JULIE:

Your car doesn't even run. It's on cinder blocks.

 

 

BETH:

I'm gradually paying to have it fixed up.

 

 

JULIE:

And you started with the stereo?

 

 

BETH:

That is vital to every car that is worth its salt.

 

 

JULIE:

Unbelievable.

 


TINA:

It is a nice stereo though.

 

 

BETH:

You know it's good when you can't hear for an hour after using it.

 

 

JULIE:

So what do you guys think of Jacob so far?

 

 

TINA:

Oh, Jacob is so sweet. Those flowers are beautiful. I haven't been given flowers since... I can’t remember when.

 

 

BETH:

I think JJ gave you some left over flowers from his great uncle's funeral.

 

 

TINA:

That's right. Those smelled funny though. Jacob's flowers smell nice.

 

 

JULIE:

Speaking of JJ, do you think you could maybe keep him somewhere else for a few days?

 

 

TINA:

What do you mean?

 

 

JULIE:

I'm afraid JJ and Jacob may not get along.

 

 

TINA:

JJ gets along with everybody. I bet they'll like each other.

 

 

BETH:

This I seriously doubt.

 

 

TINA:

Why are you both so hard on JJ? He’s a good man.

 

 

BETH:

Yeah, he's great right now. Cause he ain't here.

 

 

JJ:

(Enters L)

Hey, chicky-boos.

 

 

BETH:

I jinxed it.

 

 

TINA:

JJ, honey?

 

 

JJ:

Got some beer?

 

 

TINA:

In a minute... can I ask you something?

 

 

JJ:

More talking? Man, what’s with you? Didn’t we do enough talking yesterday? You made me miss the end of my show with all your yakking.

 

 

BETH:

Now he'll never know if Bo and Luke got away.

 

 

TINA:

I was telling Julie and Beth that you are the kind of guy who can get along with everybody. That's right isn't it?

 

 

JJ:

Sure, except for them citiots who drive them Jap-crap cars like the one out front. That yours, Julie? You know your Ma told you to stop buying those kinds of cars.

 

 

JULIE:

It's just a friend's car. I'm borrowing it for the weekend.

 

 

JJ:

What's with that bumper sticker? "Eat Beef and Die" I've killed for less than that.

 

 

JULIE:

Sorry about that, JJ. I should have checked the bumper stickers before borrowing the car.

 

 

JJ:

Don't worry. I changed it for you.

 

            (BETH goes to the window to look)

 

JULIE:

Oh goodie.

 

 

BETH:

            (Reads)

Eat "sheet" and die?

 

 

JJ:

My Ma won't let me spell it the other way.

 

 

TINA:

(Looks at BETH and JULIE)

Okay, JJ and I will make ourselves invisible for a few days.

 

 

JJ:

What for?

 

 

TINA:

Well, uh...

 

 

BETH:

See, Tina keeps saying how much she has missed seeing you lately since you've been doing the night shift at the barnyard and she wants to have some quality time.

 

 

JJ:

Quality time? Does that mean more talking?

 

 

BETH:

Nope. No talking at all.

 

 

JJ:

(Grins)

You mean smooching?

 

 

BETH:

Lots of smooching. You can even use my car.

 

 

JJ:

Boy, howdy. She’s got a good stereo in there too. Let's go, babe.

 

 

TINA:

You run on ahead and find us some good tunes. I'll be out in a minute.

 

 

JJ:

Whatever you say, babe.

 

(JJ exits L)

 

 

JULIE:

That was a close one.

 

 

JACOB:

(Comes out in a store-bought cowboy)

Howdy.

 

 

JULIE:

Howdy, Jacob.

 

 

BETH:

Jake.

 

 

JACOB:

Jake?

 

 

JULIE:

We thought you'd better go by Jake.

 

 

JACOB:

That would probably be better than the name I thought up.

 

 

TINA:

What's that?

 

 

JACOB:

Tex Ranger.

 

(Girls laugh)

 

 

BETH:

Between the name and the outfit, I don't think you’re going to survive too long outside this house.

 

 

JACOB:

What's wrong with my outfit?

 

 

BETH:

What isn't wrong with it?

 

 

JULIE:

It was a nice try but it looks like you've never been near a barn your whole life.

 

 

JACOB:

Well, I haven't.

 

 

BETH:

We know that but we can't let Julie's family know that.

 

 

JACOB:

I guess I do kind of stand out.

 

 

BETH:

Like a boil on a baby's butt.

(Takes his hat)

First we gotta make the hat look like it's been around.

(Stomps on it)

 

 

JACOB:

Hey! That was expensive.

 

 

BETH:

And lose the bolo.

 

 

JACOB:

I like the bolo. These stones are real.

 

 

BETH:

I'm so impressed. And so will the guy who strangles you with it.

 

 

JACOB:

You have to like the belt buckle. I bought the biggest one I could find.

 

 

ALL:

(Read)

"I’m a Cowboy."

 

 

BETH:

I'm glad somebody thinks so.

 

 

JACOB:

Is this really all that bad?

 

 

JULIE:

I'm afraid so.

 

 

JACOB:

I'm sorry, Julie. I tried.

 

 

JULIE:

I shouldn't make you try to be something you aren't. That isn't fair of me. You're a wonderful man. I should be telling everyone how excited I am about you. I shouldn't be trying to hide who you really are.

 

 

JACOB:

Thanks, Julie.

 

 

BETH:

Then again, you don't want someone shooting him either.

 

 

JACOB:

True.

 

JULIE:

Let's forget it. I can't do this to Jacob. If they can't accept him for what he is, then they can lump it.

 

 

BETH:

Yeah, you're ma's a real understanding lady. Remember the time he went after the guy with his 22 because he told your ma he thought the NRA was stupid. I haven't seen him since.

 

 

TINA:

Can you believe it? Who in their right mind would say the NRA was dumb?

 

 

JULIE:

Uh, Tina. Jacob led a whole letter writing campaign to ask Congress to ban assault riffles.

 

 

TINA:

You're kidding. And you still want to date him?

 

 

BETH:

Don't spread that bit of news around. I think there are more assault rifles around town than in the army.

 

 

JACOB:

Maybe we should reconsider our "take me as I am" idea.

 

 

JULIE:

I can't make you do that.

 

 

JACOB:

On the other hand, I don't want to leave town in a box.

 

 

BETH:

Don't worry. If they went after you, they wouldn't be able to find the body.

 

 

JACOB:

Maybe I should go while I still can.

 

 

TINA:

Are you communist?

 

 

JULIE:

Tina, please.

 

 

JACOB:

Why? They don't like communists either?

 

 

BETH:

Do cows like eggs up their butts?

 

 

JULIE:

What is with all the butt jokes?

 

 

BETH:

JJ was here. I got butts on the mind.

 

 

TINA:

He does have a nice one.

 

 

BETH:

I was talking about the one on his shoulders.

 

 

TINA:

He doesn't have a butt on his shoulders.

 

 

BETH:

Never mind, Tina.

 

 

TINA:

Hey, were you calling him a butthead?

 

 

BETH:

Hey, everyone. She caught up.

 

 

JULIE:

Would you two go somewhere else and have this conversation?

 

 

BETH:

Come on, Tina. Let's leave these two alone.

 

 

TINA:

I can't believe you called him a butthead.

 

 

BETH:

Let it go, Tina.

(TINA goes R)

I think I liked it better when she didn't get my jokes.

(BETH exits R)

 

 

JULIE:

I'm sorry I didn't warn you earlier about all of this.

 

 

JACOB:

I was wondering why you didn't want me to come. I thought maybe you were trying to tell me things were over.

 

 

JULIE:

No, never. I was just afraid what you'd think of me if you saw where I came from.

 

            (BETH enters again to get a magazine)

 

 

JACOB:

Nothing could make me change my mind about you.

 

 

BETH:

Except maybe her pappy's gun.

 

 

JULIE:

(Annoyed)

Beth.

 

 

BETH:

I'm going. I'm going. (Exits R)

 

 

JULIE:

I wish I hadn't taken this Bank job here. I didn't realize it would take so much of my time.

 

 

JACOB:

I know. That's why I wanted to come down and see you.

 

 

JULIE:

I'm so glad you did.

 

(They sit on sofa together)

 

 

JACOB:

So did you miss old Tex?

 

 

JULIE:

More than a fly misses a cowpie.

 

 

JACOB:

Is that good or bad?

 

 

JULIE:

Depends on who you are.

 

 

JACOB:

I don't know. Who should I be? Tex, Jacob, or Jake?

 

 

JULIE:

Maybe I'll have to try kissing each of you to see which one I like best.

 

(JACOB stands. Acts like Tex/John Wayne)

 

JACOB:

Well, I reccon I'll give that a try.

(Spit)

Give old Tex a smooch.

 

 

JULIE:

(Pushes him away, laughing)

Next.

 

 

JACOB:

Well, I'm not sure if this is Jacob or Jake, but let's give this one a try.

 

(They kiss)

 

 

JULIE:

I don't know who it was either, but I like him.

(They kiss again)

 

 

TINA:

(Comes in. Sees them. Leans on back of sofa)

Well....

(JACOB and JULIE are startled by her)

At least he kisses like a redneck.

 

 

JACOB:

Thanks. I think.

 

 

JULIE:

Now, the toughest challenge is Mama.

 

 

JACOB:

Maybe I shouldn't meet him yet. I don't seem to have the hang of this.

 

 

JULIE:

You have to do it and some point...

 

 

TINA:

Unless you're not really interested in Julie.

 

 

JACOB:

Of course I am!

(BETH reenters)

 

 

TINA:

Then, you better meet her Ma. No couple can survive without the blessing of their parents.

 

 

JULIE:

So your parents approve of JJ?

 

 

TINA:

Sure. We grew up together. He's like family.

 

 

BETH:

That's cause he is family.

 

 

TINA:

He's only a second cousin.

 

 

BETH:

They met at a family reunion.

 

 

TINA:

We did not. That was my sister and her boyfriend.

 

 

BETH:

Oh, sorry, my mistake.

 

 

JACOB:

You can't be serious.

 

 

JULIE:

We're not kidding. Everyone in this town is related.

 

 

JACOB:

Everyone?

 

 

JULIE:

Let's just say when we have a family reunion, everyone in town comes.

 

 

JACOB:

Scary.

 

 

JULIE:

Maybe this wasn't a good idea.

 

 

JACOB:

No, this was a great idea. I want you to get on the phone and call your mother now. Invite her over and I’ll cook her my best gourmet meal.

 

 

TINA:

Gore-mey?

 

 

BETH:

You can cook?

 

 

JULIE:

Just make sure there's some meat in it.

 

 

JACOB:

Prepare to be dazzled.

 

 

BETH:

You better change first though. A little less store bought cowboy please.

 

 

JULIE:

I'll help you.

 

 

JACOB:

Sounds good.

 

(JACOB and JULIE exit R)

 

 

TINA:

Aren't they the cutest couple?

 

 

BETH:

Julie's ma is going to eat him alive.

 

 

TINA:

But he gave us flowers.

 

 

BETH:

How many guys around here go around giving out flowers?

 

 

TINA:

Not many.

 

 

BETH:

A man who cooks. He's in big trouble.

 

 

TINA:

I didn't think men were allowed to cook.

 

 

BETH:

If Julie's mother sees this guy, she's gonna freak.

 

 

TINA:

Poor Julie.

 

 

BETH:

Come on.

(Starts toward door)

I've got a plan.

 

 

TINA:

(Doesn’t move)

Where are we going?

 

 

BETH:

I've got a plan to save Jacob.

 

 

TINA:

I love a good plan.

(Pause)

What are we planning again?

 

 

BETH:

We have to do something to help him get ready for a visit from Julie's mom.

 

 

TINA:

Like what?

 

 

BETH:

You know those costumes we have stored in the shed... the ones you and I helped make for the town melodrama?

 

 

TINA:

The ones you said not to touch after JJ and I played dress up?

 

 

BETH:

Those are the ones.

 

 

TINA:

You mean we're going to play dress up.

 

 

BETH:

Sort of. You are going to dress up as Julie's grandpappy and I'm going to dress up as her ma.

 

 

TINA:

What for?

 

 

BETH:

We're going to give Jake a trial run.

 

 

TINA:

A trial? Like Perry Mason?

 

 

BETH:

No, more like a practice before the big performance. A dress rehearsal.

 

 

TINA:

Do you think he'll get mad at us for fooling him?

 

 

BETH:

Maybe a little, but he'll thank us for it later.

 

 

TINA:

If you're sure.

 

 

BETH:

I'm sure.

 

 

TINA:

This could be fun.

 

(JJ enters L)

 

 

JJ:

Woman! I've been waiting out in that car for who knows how long. There's only so much you can do in there alone.

 

 

BETH:

Didn't find anything decent to listen to on my stereo?

 

 

JJ:

What stereo?

 

 

BETH:

What do you mean, what stereo?

 

 

JJ:

I hate to tell you, but there’s just a big hole in the dash where a stereo should be.

 

 

BETH:

AH! My baby…

(Runs out)

 

 

TINA:

That's terrible. I can't believe somebody stole her stereo. And it's only a week before she was going to buy that car alarm.

 

 

JJ:

(Chuckles)

Don't worry. I was only kidding. Nobody took her stereo.

 

 

TINA:

(Giggles)

Oh, JJ. You're such a kidder. You realize you better get out of here before she realized you lied to her.

 

 

JJ:

I'm not afraid of her.

 

 

BETH:

(Off. Screams)

JJ!

 

 

JJ:

Gotta go.

(Heads for the kitchen)

Mind if I grab a beer on my way out?

(Exits L)

 

 

BETH:

(Enters R)

Where is he?

 

 

TINA:

Who?

 

 

BETH:

You're good for nothing, stinking, lying boyfriend. My foot has an appointment with his butt!

 

 

JULIE:

(Enters L)

What's going on in here?

 

 

TINA:

Beth and JJ are playing around.

 

 

BETH:

Yeah, I'm playing kill the idiot.

 

 

JULIE:

What did JJ do now?

 

 

BETH:

He lied about my stereo being ripped off.

 

 

JULIE:

You're this worked up over a lie... and you're stereo is okay. And you give me a hard time about being worked up over nothing.

 

 

TINA:

She has a point.

 

 

BETH:

Stay out of this.

 

 

JJ:

(Enters with a couple of beers)

I come in peace, bringing beer.

 

 

JULIE:

You be nice, Beth.

 

(JULIE exits L)

 

JJ:

These here are the last two beers and I saved one for you.

 

 

TINA:

The last two? But I bought a bunch yesterday.

 

 

JJ:

I was having a drinking contest with myself in your kitchen last night.

 

 

BETH:

Keep drinking all our beer and we're going to buy nothing but wine coolers from now on.

 

 

JJ:

You wouldn't.

 

 

BETH:

How does Kiwi Strawberry sound?

 

 

JJ:

Horrible.

 

 

BETH:

Then I've got to add that to my shopping list.

 

 

TINA:

(Steps between JJ and BETH)

Okay, I'm ready for some smooching. Let's go, Jellybean.

 

 

JJ:

There's something weird going on here today.

 

 

TINA:

Hurry. My lips are getting cold.

 

 

BETH:

I'll meet you in a few minutes with the costumes.

 

 

JJ:

Say what?

 

 

TINA:

Never you mind.

 

(TINA and JJ exit R)

 

(JULIE and JACOB reenter L. JACOB is wearing a frilly apron)

 

 

BETH:

Nice apron, Jake. I'll pay you $20 to wear that down to the bar.

 

 

JULIE:

Don't you have somewhere to be?

 

 

BETH:

Actually I do.

 

(Exits R)

 

 

JULIE:

I hate when she gets that tone of voice. She's up to something.

 

 

JACOB:

I think everything is on this list that I need for the recipe.

 

 

JULIE:

I will be right back then.

 

 

JACOB:

I really appreciate you going to get all that. Do you think you'll be able to find all those spices? Some are kind of unusual.

 

 

JULIE:

I think our neighbor Mrs. Mac has most of them. She's an amazing cook. I don't think there’s anything she can't whip up. She makes the best baked pole cat this side of the Mississippi.

(JACOB gives her a look)

I'm kidding.

 

 

JACOB:

Thank goodness. It's bad enough cooking meat when you're a vegetarian but cooking a cat… Yow.

 

 

JULIE:

Actually a pole cat is a skunk.

 

 

JACOB:

That's even worse.

 

 

JULIE:

Now, I didn't say people didn't cook cats.

 

 

JACOB:

You are too funny.

 

 

JULIE:

I better get going or we'll never get dinner ready.

 

 

JACOB:

If it's too much trouble I can try experimenting with some of your spices.

 

 

JULIE:

I think the only spices in our kitchen are salt and pepper and maybe Tabasco.

 

 

JACOB:

I guess that might be hard to pull off.

 

 

JULIE:

I only have to go right next door. No big deal.

 

 

JACOB:

You sure you don't want me to go?

 

 

JULIE:

(Sizes up JACOB in his apron and store-bought cowboy look)

No, I better go for us. And don't forget to change out of that outfit. Can you hold down the fort for me while I'm gone?

 

 

JACOB:

Sure. What could go wrong?

 

 

JULIE:

I can think a million things… and then some more.

 

 

JACOB:

Don't worry, Julie. I have a feeling everything is going to turn out great.

 

 

JULIE:

I wish I could stop worrying. But I know the people around here and I know my ma and nothing ever turns out right for me.

 

 

JACOB:

Think positive. Imagine world peace.

 

 

JULIE:

I think I need to imagine a good day. That would be good enough for me.

 

 

JACOB:

(Kisses her on the forehead)

Run along to the store and get those things for me and I'll whip us up a meal you'll never forget.

 

 

JULIE:

I certainly can agree that someone is going to whip up something.

 

JACOB:

Think positive. Now go. I have a masterpiece to prepare.

 

 

(JULIE exits out front as JACOB returns to kitchen. BETH comes out in a granny wig and frumpy dress and TINA comes out in overalls, old man wig and cowboy hat)

 

 

BETH:

Good, Julie's gone. That leaves Jacob alone in the kitchen. Julie will be gone for a while I think. You ready?

 

 

TINA:

Who am I again?

 

 

BETH:

(rolls her eyes)

Julie's grandpappy.

 

 

TINA:

But he doesn't look like this.

 

 

BETH:

Jacob doesn't know that.

 

 

TINA:

Oh, right. Let's go get him and tell him Julie's family is here.

 

 

BETH:

No, stupid. We need to come through the front door like we are her kin.

 

 

TINA:

But we're already inside.

 

 

BETH:

Why do things always have to be so difficult with you?

 

 

TINA:

Now tell me who you are again?

           (Drags TINA out front door)

 

 

JACOB:

(Comes out)

Is somebody here?

(Knock at door)

I wonder who that is. Beth? Tina? I guess they're gone too.

(Opens door)

Can I help you?

 

BETH:

(as MA)

Who is you?

 

 

JACOB:

I'm Jacob... Julie's friend.

 

 

BETH:

Friend? What kind of friend?

 

 

TINA:

(as PAPPY)

The kind of friend who wears a frilly apron.

 

 

JACOB:

(Takes it off)

Oh, sorry about that. I was cooking...

 

 

TINA:

Cooking? A man cooking?

 

 

JACOB:

Can I help you?

 

 

BETH:

Yes, we're looking for our daughter, Julie.

 

 

JACOB:

Oh, Julie went to the neighbor's house for something.

 

 

BETH:

And you're Julie's friend.

 

 

TINA:

You mean Julie's boyfriend?

 

 

BETH:

I didn't know she had a boyfriend.

 

 

TINA:

You don't look like you're from around here.

 

 

JACOB:

Well, I'm not. I'm down for a visit.

 

 

JJ:

(Enters)

I'm here for some beer, baby! I’m done with that six pack you just gave me. Told you it wouldn't knock me flat.

(Stops when he sees them)

Hey, everybody... what's...

(Sees BETH and TINA)

What are you two doing?

 

 

TINA:

Oh, hi there, JJ. Why don't we step outside a minute?

 

 

JJ:

I'd rather you gave me a big kiss, Pappy!

(JJ kisses TINA who struggles a little and then gives in)

 

 

BETH:

(Normal voice)

Will you two knock it off?

 

 

JACOB:

Okay, I can see what's going on here.

(Pulls off BETH and TINA’s disguises and laughs)

You two were so funny. I knew something was up the minute I saw you.

 

 

JJ:

Who's this sissy boy?

 

 

JACOB:

Sissy boy? Ha. Too funny.

 

 

JJ:

I didn't say nothing funny.

 

 

JACOB:

You don't have to say anything funny. Just looking at you is funny enough. You two should have had him help you with your outfits.

 

 

JJ:

Hey, now...

 

 

JACOB:

Let me guess... you must be Julie’s brother... no cousin... no uncle... no wait. Around here it's all pretty much the same thing isn't it?

(Laughs)

 

 

JJ:

You looking for a busin, buddy? Cause I got myself a big can of woopass right here.

 

 

JACOB:

(Referring to JJ)

Your friend here put on the best act of all.

(To JJ)

You did the perfect redneck impression. In fact, you even make rednecks look stupid. You were so funny.

 

JJ:

What the... You some kind of nut?

 

 

JACOB:

He can't stop. He's hilarious.

 

 

JJ:

Keep it up, funny boy, and I'll take you out back and teach you to sniff cow pies.

 

 

JACOB:

(Laughs)

You're killing me.

(Laughs more)

 

 

BETH:

Keep it up, Jake, and he will kill you.

 

 

JACOB:

(Imitates)

I'm here for some beer, baby.

(Laughs)

 

 

JJ:

(Grabs him)

Now you die.



(BETH and TINA scream and jump on JJ. They struggle to hold him back. JJ lets go of JACOB. JJ and girls spin around struggling. Looks like a rodeo. JACOB is laughing, thinking it's all for fun. They end up in kitchen)

 

 

JULIE:

(Walks in. Sees mess)

What's going on?

 

 

JACOB:

(Still laughing)

You're...

(laughs)

...friends. They're...

(laughs)

 

 

(The sound of a frying pan connecting with JJ’s skull is heard. JJ stumbles out of the kitchen followed by BETH with a frying pan and TINA)

 

 

BETH:

Rope. Where's a rope?

 

 

(TINA grabs a rope off the wall)

 

 

JULIE:

Rope?! What are you doing?

 

 

BETH:

Julie. Oh, man. Julie. We...uh....

 

 

TINA:

(Hands rope to BETH and points)

He's waking up!!

 

 

BETH:

I got him.

(BETH ropes JJ’s arms and legs like a calf at the rodeo, then BETH drags JJ toward the kitchen with TINA’s help)

I'll stick him in the backyard to cool off.

 

 

JULIE:

I'm surprised we didn't tie up JJ long ago.

(JACOB laughs more. TINA returns)

What did he do?

 

 

TINA:

He was trying to kill Jacob.

 

 

JULIE:

What?!

 

 

TINA:

Jacob thought JJ was pretending to be a redneck.

 

 

JULIE:

Oh, no.

 

 

JACOB:

(Stops laughing)

Pretending?

 

 

JULIE:

Jacob. JJ is always like that.

(BETH returns)

 

 

JACOB:

(Scared)

You mean he always acts that way?

 

 

BETH:

Unfortunately, yes.

 

 

JACOB:

And I made him really mad.

 

 

BETH:

As predicted, that was a combination that didn’t work. Like pissing on an electric fence.

 

 

JACOB:

(Starts toward kitchen)

I better go apologize.

 

 

BETH:

(They all stop him)

No, no, no. You better let him cool off. Plus he’s unconscious. I had to hit him on the head again.

 

 

TINA:

Beth, you didn't.

 

 

BETH:

He tried to bite me.

 

 

JULIE:

We've got to do something with him. He can't stay out there until Jacob goes home.

 

 

BETH:

Sure he can.

 

            (JULIE collapses in chair upset)

 

 

JULIE:

This is a disaster. I can't image this day going any worse. Jacob, I'd completely understand if you wanted to walk about that door and never want to see me again.

 

 

JACOB:

Julie, listen to me. I care too much about you to let this upset me. I would do anything for you. I'm here because I love you more than anything else in this world. So you're stuck with me, Julie. There ain't nothing in heaven or earth that can make me leave this spot.

 

(JULIE stands and embraces JACOB)

 

JJ:

(Comes out with a flying pan in his hand)

WHERE IS HE?!!!

 

 

JACOB:

Except maybe that.

(Runs out. JJ runs after him)

Time to go.

 

 

TINA:

JJ, no!

(Runs after them)

 

END OF PLAY

 

(Full length version available - “Operation Redneck”)


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