"The Master of Fart Zen"

monologue by

D. M. Larson

Here is a very silly comedy monologue that could really get everyone laughing (if you don't mind a good fart joke). It's adapted from the scene "FartZen" from the published play "The Weird, Wild and Wonderful Days of School." ISBN-13: 978-1482739626

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"Master of Fart Zen" by D. M. Larson

(actor will either need to have someone with fart recordings or hide whoopie cushions inside their costume to make the fart noises themselves - or eat a lot of beans and drink a lot of soda first)

MASTER

Please enter. All are welcome here. So what is the source of your tension?

Pupils. Assume position... Ichi.

(MASTER gets in a certain position and a slight fart)

We are reaching a state of advanced relaxation. All tension is something that is within you. Stress becomes bottled up and new stress makes it all shaken and builds inside you. If you have to way to relieve that stress, then it grows until it becomes unhealthy and even painful.

Position Ni!

(MASTER does a different position and does a slightly better fart)

Is your tension causing you pain?

Then you must have a proper way to expel the demon which festers within.

Prepare for the next position!

Position San!

(MASTER gets in a different position and farts a bit better)

We must all reach a state of perfect relaxation. But only the Fert-zen master can achieve such a perfect state through repeated practice. The goal of all Fert-zen students is to reach position Shi.

Prepare for position Shi.

(MASTER gets in an odd position. Long pause. Suddenly the fart comes quietly then builds and gets stronger. The fart grows and lights fade to black. The fart builds and then stops. Then continues after a moment almost explosively. Wait for silence from audience and then a little fart then comes again just to finish it off)

END OF MONOLOGUE