free solo stage play script monologue


SOMEBODY FAMOUS

By D. M. Larson

Copyright (c) 2005

All Rights Reserved*


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Cast of Characters

(5w 2m)

 

DONNA – Prisoner who is a computer hacker with a plan to escape

MACY – Ditzy prisoner who loves jewelry and loves GUS

REGGIE – Wise-cracking prisoner who loves a good scam

GUS – Bumbling guard who likes MACY

MELINDA – Famous actress who is in jail for murder

CAPTAIN – Tough guard who bosses everyone around

12006 – Quiet prisoner who prefers to go by her number rather than name

 

Time and Place

A present day old theatre in New Mexico.


ACT 1

 

(Lights come up on an old theatre that has seen better days. The stage is littered with junk and debris. It looks as if a play had a closing night and everything was left to rot and never put away. Three women in yellow jumpers enter with cleaning supplies [MACY, DONNA, and 12006]. They are followed by two security guards [CAPTAIN and GUS].)

 

CAPTAIN

Welcome to your tour of duty, ladies.

 

DONNA

Wow, Captain. You know how to pick 'em.

 

MACY

What is this place anyway?

 

GUS

It's a theatre.

 

MACY

A theater? But where's the movie screen? And the popcorn.

 

GUS

I like popcorn.

 

CAPTAIN

It's not that kind of theatre you idiots. It's a play theatre.

 

MACY

Play theatre? Where they play what?

 

CAPTAIN

Oh, forget it.

 

DONNA

Don't worry, Captain. I'll explain it to her.

 

CAPTAIN

Don�t bother. Just get to work.

 

DONNA

So what are we supposed to do?

 

CAPTAIN

Clean the place.

 

DONNA

What for?

 

CAPTAIN

So Macy can play.

 

MACY

Really?

 

CAPTAIN

No! Now get to work.

                        (Heads off)

Watch em, Gus. Gotta take a pee.

 

GUS

Yes, sir. I got my eye on them.

                        (Follows CAPTAIN off)

 

CAPTAIN

                        (Off)

Get back in there.

 

GUS

                        (Re-enters)

Yes, sir, Captain.

 

MACY

What a grouch.

 

GUS

Sorry about that. He gets that way when he doesn't get his donuts.

 

MACY

What happened to his donuts?

 

GUS

I don't know. I bought him a couple like always and set them up in the front seat and after I loaded you all up they were gone.

 

DONNA

                        (Sees 12006 and REGGIE eating something)

Gee, wonder where they went.

 

GUS

                        (Sees 12006 with a mouthful)

What have you got in your mouth?

                        (12006 ignores him)

I'm talking to you prisoner.

                        (To MACY)

What's her name again?

 

MACY

We don't know.

 

GUS

You don't know? What do you call her?

 

DONNA

She likes to be called by her number.

 

GUS

You mean 12006?

 

DONNA

That's right.

 

GUS

That has to the stupidest

                        (Turns and 12006 is in his face)

thing I've ever said.

                        (12006 goes back to her cleaning)

Can't we call her 6 for short?

                        (12006 gives him a dirty look)

Guess not.

 

MACY

                        (Trying to be friendly to 12006)

How about 006? Just like James Bond.

                        (12006 gives her a really dirty look)

Actually I love the sound of 12006. Rolls right off the tounge. Just like Tiffany. I love that name.

                        (12006 rolls her eyes and goes back to cleaning)

 

GUS

Tiffany is a pretty name. Maybe I'll name my first daughter that.

 

MACY

                        (Pouty)

You having a baby with someone?

 

GUS

No. I'm not even dating now.

 

MACY

                        (Smiles)

Really?

 

GUS

I just haven't met the right lady yet I guess. Momma says some lady will see how special I am one day.

 

MACY

I think you're special, Gus.

 

DONNA

We all think you're special.

                        (12006 smiles at this)

 

MACY

Maybe the right lady is right before your eyes and you don�t even know.

 

GUS

                        (Looks at MACY longingly and she returns his gaze)

Maybe,

 

REGGIE

Wow, that was sweeter than those donuts.

 

DONNA

If you guys want to get a room, I'll keep an eye on things here.

 

GUS

                        (Gets all official)

I have no clue what you're talking about.

 

MACY

                        (Hurt)

You don't?

 

DONNA

I thought you guys were about to pick out china patterns.

 

REGGIE

I thought they were about to get busy!

                        (12006 smiles)

 

GUS

Back to work, or, or,

 

REGGIE

Or what?

 

GUS

I'll go get the captain.

 

MACY

Leave Gus alone. He's nice.

 

REGGIE

He'd like to be real nice to you.

                        (GUS is uneasy)

He's blushing. Ha! I guess they think we must be pretty lightweight if they send Gus to watch us.

 

DONNA

I know the three of us are. But how do you explain 12006?

 

MACY

What's she in for?

 

REGGIE

Come on. We're all innocent. You know that.

 

MACY

I wish I was innocent.

 

REGGIE

So what did you do?

 

MACY

Shoplifting.

 

REGGIE

Shoplifting. That's it?

 

DONNA

When you take a five finger discount on jewelry it's a bit more serious.

 

REGGIE

What did you steal?

 

DONNA

She got caught with enough jewelry to open her own store.

 

MACY

I'm sorry but I like pretty things.

 

REGGIE

So if I wave something shiny will you chase it?

 

MACY

                        (After a moment)

Maybe.

 

REGGIE

I had a cat like that once. Hey, is that where they get that word cat-burgler?

                        (MACY starts sweeping and cleaning with 12006)

 

DONNA

Don't know. I'd google it if they'd let us use the internet.

                        (Directs last part at GUS)

 

GUS

You're not allowed near anything like a computer.

 

DONNA

I can't even get near a phone.

 

REGGIE

Why not?

 

DONNA

I'm in for hacking.

 

REGGIE

Hacking?

 

DONNA

Computer hacking.

 

REGGIE

Why can't you get near a phone?

 

DONNA

I cost MCI a whole lot of money and they got the judge to do that. I think I'm the reason they went bankrupt a few years back.

 

GUS

More work and less talk.

 

REGGIE

Hey, my break ain't over yet.

 

GUS

You can't have a break until you start working.

 

REGGIE

                        (Pushes her broom a few times and then stops again)

How's that?

 

GUS

You want me to get the Captain?

 

REGGIE

I wouldn't if I was you. Remember last time you called him out of that adult bookstore down the street. He was pissed.

 

GUS

                        (Nervous)

He was, wasn't he?

 

MACY

Don�t worry, Gus. We'll work.

                        (MACY cleans as does DONNA)

 

DONNA

                        (While working)

So Reggie. What you in for?

                        (REGGIE ignores her and starts cleaning for the first time)

Sorry, what you falsely accused of?

 

REGGIE

They say I was passing around stolen check but I don't think they had enough evidence to convict.

 

DONNA

And what about 12006?

 

REGGIE

Who knows?

 

MACY

She's not in red so she didn't kill anybody!

 

                        (12006 gives MACY a dirty look)

 

REGGIE

yet.

 

                        (MACY moves and cleans closer to GUS)

 

MACY

So why are we cleaning this theatre?

 

GUS

Warden got this special funding for what he calls Drama Therapy from the state arts council.

 

REGGIE

Drama therapy? Where's the drama in this?

 

DONNA

Are we going to do anything besides clean this place?

 

GUS

Not that I know of. I saw two contracts. One with money for drama therapy and the other for cleaning up this theatre for the city.

 

DONNA

So the warden gets money from the arts council and then gets money again from the city. The city gets a cleaned up theatre and we supposedly get something out of it too.

 

REGGIE

Wait. I�ve heard of drama therapy and that's acting and stuff. This ain�t acting.

 

GUS

Sorry, that's all I know.

 

MACY

Maybe if we whistle why we work. Or sing,

                        (Dances and sings with her broom)

Chim-chimminy, chim-chimminy, chim, chim.

                        (MACY runs into 12006)

Or not.

 

REGGIE

So basically the warden is ripping off the state arts council.

 

GUS

Oh, he wouldn't do that.

 

MACY

Maybe he's got some kind of idea for us after we clean this up. Maybe we'll do a play.

 

REGGIE

I vote for Oh, Calcutta.

 

                        (12006 smiles at this idea)

 

DONNA

So where did the warden get this brilliant idea of his?

 

GUS

Well, the rumor,

                        (Looks around)

 

DONNA

It's okay, Gus. The captain's not that quick of a reader.

 

REGGIE

And the man enjoys his dirty novels very much.

 

GUS

I shouldn't be telling you guys nothing.

 

                        (GUS turns away and DONNA pushes MACY over to him)

 

MACY

Please, Gus. Could you maybe tell us a little what you heard?

 

GUS

Well, I'll tell you, Macy.

 

                        (Others pretend to work but are moving closer and closer to GUS)

 

MACY

So what'd you hear?

 

GUS

I heard that the warden is doing this to get a little media attention. See, we got a new inmate coming. Somebody famous.

 

MACY

Famous? Who?

 

GUS

Melinda Street.

 

REGGIE

Melinda Street!

 

GUS

I shouldn't have said anything.

 

REGGIE

She's like uber-famous.

 

GUS

Please don't tell anyone I told you.

 

REGGIE

And what do I get for keeping my mouth shut?

 

GUS

                        (Looks around nervously)

What do you want?

 

REGGIE

You know that Mickey D's around the corner?

 

GUS

Oh, no.

 

REGGIE

                        (Sings or raps)

I want two all meat patties special dressing if you please with an extra large fry on the side.

 

DONNA

I'm not sure that's how that jingle goes.

 

REGGIE

Whatever, you get the idea.

 

GUS

I can't leave you all alone. If the captain found out�

 

MACY

Don't worry, Gus. We won't go anywhere. We're yellow shirts. We're not dangerous.

 

GUS

Fine. I'm going.

 

                        (GUS exits and REGGIE shouts after him)

 

REGGIE

And I want diet Cola. I'm trying to watch my figure.

 

MACY

He's so sweet.

 

REGGIE

And he's got it for you bad. He'd do anything you asked him. We've got such a sweet deal on this job. Today burgers. Tomorrow pizza.

 

MACY

Please don't ask him to do too much. I don't want him to get fired.

 

REGGIE

Fine, we'll order out for Chinese then.

 

DONNA

Melinda Street. She's coming here? Didn't she win an academy award?

 

MACY

Two. For The Guns of Lincoln County and The English Patient's Woman.!

                        (MACY�s voice gets so excited it's almost a scream)

I'm like her biggest fan.

 

REGGIE

Just don't go all Kathy Bates on us, okay?

 

DONNA

I wonder what she's in for?

 

REGGIE

Here comes Gus. Maybe he can tell us.

 

                        (GUS rushes back in)

 

REGGIE

Where's my burger?

 

GUS

I nearly ran into the Captain. He's coming.

 

REGGIE

I guess we'll just have to tell him about what you said about Ms. Street then.

 

GUS

Please don't. Macy? Please.

 

MACY

Come on, Reggie. Gus tried to get your burger.

 

DONNA

Hey, what if he tells us what she's in for? I'm dying to know.

 

REGGIE

Okay, fine. Spill it, Gus.

 

GUS

If I tell you then you won't say anything to the Captain.

 

REGGIE

Cross my heart and hope you die.

 

MACY

Thanks, Reggie. Okay, Gussy. Please tell us.

 

GUS

Fine. She's a red shirt. She's in for murder.

 

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Featured Monologue from the Play Death of an Insurance Salesman

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"GUARDIANS OF THE WALLET" by D. M. Larson

RALPH
An ambulance is coming for you now. And the policy will cover that ride so you're in luck.

(Ralph waves good-bye and watches person go)

He's lucky. Most people wait until it's too late. Last minute is always better than never. Sometimes I think I should set up my office in the lobby of the hospital emergency room. I could probably sign up half the room as they are waiting... what else are they going to do while they wait for help? Come on. What's the number one thing on their minds? They worry about how they'll pay for the hospital. That's where I come in. I kind of see myself as a hero... swooping in to save the day... can't pay your medical bill? Let me do it for you. I know no one sees an insurance salesman as a hero but we really are. You know how much that heart attack would have cost him without me? You know how much a car accident would cost without insurance? We're not the bad guys... we're your knight in shining armor, protecting you from going bankrupt. We are the guardians of the wallet. Don't let them suck you dry. Insurance will protect you... save you... rescue you... and that's what I wanted to always do with my life. Be a hero.

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**** The Cynical Professor a monologue by D. M. Larson

Okay class. I know you hate classes that are required for your degree so I am going to try and make this as painless as possible.

Because you're taking a lot of loans, using a lot of credit and building up some serious debt to be here, I don't want this class to be any more difficult than it needs to be. I mean you are going to be paying off these loans for the next 20 or 30 years. It's like you're taking out a mortgage and buying a house. And who can afford a house mortgage anymore when you have all these loans, credit and debts piling up just so you can get a degree in Egyptology or Greek mythology?

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Come on... What's with the moans and growns? Being an attorney can be great. Are you a tree hugger and love the Earth? Be an environmental lawyer. Are you into women's rights? There's a attorney for that. Want to help people who are defaulting on their mortgage and losing their homes or being crushed by credit card debt? There are lawyers for that too. Lawyers make a difference. Lawyers change things. Call an attorney if you want to get things done.

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Class dismissed.

End of Monologue ****


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