THE REDNECK

by

D. M. Larson

 

Copyright (c) 2004

 

Cast of Characters

 

JULIE: A small town girl with big town dream

BETH: Cranky friend of JULIE and TINA

TINA: Airhead small town girl

JJ: Redneck boyfriend of TINA

JACOB: JULIE's big town boyfriend

DAD: JULIE's dad

MOM: JULIE's mom

 


redneck comedy online play script free no royalty




Prologue

 

(TINA is watching JJ as he is tuning his guitar)

 

TINA: What you doing, JJ?

 

JJ: I'm gonna be rich, baby.

 

TINA: Really? You win the lottery?

 

JJ: No, I'm gonna be a cowboy poet. (tunes guitar)

 

TINA: A cowboy poet? But you hate poetry.

 

JJ: I know. But this ain't like that hippie crap. It's like singing.

 

TINA: What you doing with that guitar?

 

JJ: What do you think I'm doing? I'm gonna play it while I sing.

 

TINA: But you don't know how to play the...

 

JJ: Okay, here goes. Give me some room.

(Plucks guitar. Sings badly) I went a walkin'.

(Pluck) I walked real far.

(Pluck) I found a man talkin'

(Pluck) About his new car.

(Stops) That's all I thought up so far.

 

TINA: Are you sure you're doing that right?

 

JJ: Of course I'm doin' it right.

 

TINA: Huh? I wonder why them cowboy poets are so popular.

 

JJ: (Pluck) I went a walkin'

(Pluck) I walked real far...

(TINA walks off. Play begins)

 

Scene 1

 

(Lights come up on apartment of the three roomies: BETH, TINA, and JULIE. The room is decorated with some of the following: coffee table is a telephone cable spool, a toilet seat is used as a picture frame, a dead Christmas tree is in the corner, there is a stuffed possum on the shelf, the wall is water stained from years of floods, Elvis memorabilia sits proudly beside the possum, a black velvet painting hangs on the wall, etc.)

 

BETH: Mail call.

 

TINA: No thanks. I already have a man.

 

BETH: No, this kind of mail stupid.

 

TINA: Oh.

 

BETH: George Strait Fan Club Newsletter for Tina.

 

TINA: Thank you. (Opens it, excited) Check out this month's picture.

 

JULIE: That's obscene.

 

BETH: You should see what she paid for a membership. They better give her something good. (Looks at mail) Bill, bill, bill... (Throws them in garbage)

 

JULIE: Don't throw those away. (Rescues them)

 

BETH: That's where I always put the bills.

 

JULIE: Ah! Look at this phone bill. Final notice. Beth!

 

BETH: Don't worry. We got that same one two months ago. I'll just call my uncle at the phone company. He'll take care of it.

 

JULIE: (Holds up bills) I don't care how many of these people you are related to. We'll have to pay them some day.

 

BETH: I just figured I'd stall until I got married and then I'd make my husband pay.

 

TINA: (Showing newsletter) Look. George Straight underwear.

 

BETH: (Looks at newsletter) You realize that when you sit down you sit on his face.

 

JULIE: You two are so weird.

 

BETH: And one envelope for Julie.

 

JULIE: Junk mail, no doubt. Just throw it in the garbage.

 

BETH: Okay, if you say so. But it's a letter from Jacob.

 

JULIE: (Runs to grab it) Give it here. (Gets it from BETH. Exits to her room)

 

TINA: Jacob. The man of her dreams.

 

BETH: I got plenty of men in my dreams. I just wish some of them were real.

 

JULIE: (Off) Oh, no!

 

TINA: That didn't sound good.

 

BETH: So much for that dream.

 

TINA: Julie? You okay in there. Come on out, honey and talk to us.

 

JULIE: (Comes out) I've been afraid this would happen.

 

BETH: Oh, don't worry about it. They're all jerks anyway.

 

JULIE: No, not Jacob. He's different. He's the sweetest, most sensitive guy I have ever

met.

 

BETH: If he's such a wonderful guy, why are you crying?

 

TINA: Did something happen to him?

 

JULIE: He's coming here to see me.

 

BETH: That's the tragic news? Girl, you need help.

 

TINA: Isn't that good news? Don't you want to be with him?

 

JULIE: I do want to be with him, but not here. He's a big city guy. He'll hate it out here

and he'll hate me for it.

 

BETH: I think you're overreacting a bit here.

 

TINA: At least give it a try.

 

BETH: He'll probably be so busy slobbering all over you, he won't even think about where he's at.

 

TINA: He's coming here to see you, not the town.

 

JULIE: But what about my family. There is no way my parents are going to like him.

 

BETH: Why not?

 

TINA: Now wait a minute, Beth. You know how narrow minded Julie's parents can be.

 

BETH: Oh, come on. There can't be that much that would bother them.

 

JULIE: Well...he doesn�t go to church.

 

BETH: Oh, dear. Your Grandpa's a minister.

 

JULIE: He's big into the environment. He thinks all hunters should be shot.

 

TINA: Isn't your dad a big game hunter?

 

JULIE: The biggest. And my uncle is an outfitter.

 

BETH: Oh, boy.

 

JULIE: He doesn't want to have any kids. He thinks the Earth is way too overpopulated as it is.

 

TINA: Doesn't your Grandmother hold the town record for giving birth to the most kids?

 

JULIE: They have a picture of her at the maternity ward in town.

 

BETH: Oh, man.

 

TINA: Is there anything else?

 

BETH: Isn't that enough?

 

JULIE: And...

 

BETH: This is too much.

 

JULIE: And he's... he's...

 

TINA: It's okay, Julie. You can say it.

 

JULIE: He's a card carrying liberal.

 

(TINA and BETH gasp)

 

BETH: The guy will be shot quicker than a three legged marmot.

 

JULIE: He'll hate my family. They'll hate him. And then everyone will hate me.

 

BETH: Unless.

 

JULIE: Unless what?

 

BETH: Unless we give him a little make over.

 

JULIE: A makeover? What kind of makeover?

 

BETH: I don't know. Something that will make him fit in a little better. Do you have a picture of him?

 

JULIE: I think so. (Exits L)

 

TINA: She thinks so. She's got almost as many of him as I've got of my JJ.

 

BETH: Why would anyone want to take a picture of JJ for?

 

TINA: What does that mean?

 

BETH: Nothing.

 

TINA: I think those pictures of JJ look great.

 

BETH: So do pictures of cows but I ain't got them hung all over my ceiling.

 

TINA: I want JJ to be the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning.

 

BETH: I rather see a toad swallow a horse.

 

TINA: (Excited) I wouldn't mind seeing that either. That would be so cool.

(BETH rolls her eyes)

 

JULIE: Here's a few. (Has several)

 

BETH: Man, where'd you get all of these.

 

JULIE: We took a photography class together. We were each other's favorite things to photograph.

 

TINA: How sweet?

 

BETH: (Rolls her eyes) Yeah.

 

JULIE: Why do you want the pictures?

 

BETH: To see if there is anything to worry about when people see him. If doesn't dress too strange then that's one less thing to worry about.

 

TINA: Ew. Save the whales t-shirt.

 

BETH: Dead give away. Tina, take notes.

 

JULIE: I don't know about this. I can't tell him what to wear.

 

BETH: You want him beat up by the first cowboy he runs into in town.

 

TINA: (Gets pad) Lose the whale t-shirt. I've got a "Forget the whales - save a cowboy" t-shirt.

 

BETH: Perfect. (Looks) Oh, no. Birkenstock sandals. Dead give-away.

 

TINA: (Writes) Lose the Birken...birkin...lose the hippie flippers.

 

JULIE: I don't know if he has anything else.

 

BETH: Well, find him some cowboy boots.

 

TINA: Star Trek hat.

 

BETH: Lose the Star Trek hat.

 

TINA: Got it.

 

BETH: Oh, man. Look at those sunglasses. They've gotta go.

 

JULIE: Those are Ray Bans.

 

BETH: (Sarcastic) Oh, I'm so impressed.

 

JULIE: I can't do this to him.

 

BETH: Fine. Let him embarrass you and himself. Let your parents be the laughing stock of the town. Let everyone in town think you've gone green.

 

TINA: (Sees a picture and gets really upset) Oh, my! Look.

 

BETH: What? What?

 

TINA: (Upset) He has a t-shirt that says...."Eat Beef and Die."

 

BETH: That's it. He's a dead man.

 

JULIE: What ever happened to freedom of expression?

 

BETH: Oh, get off your high horse, Julie. You know free speech is only free when you talk about what everyone wants to hear. You can't tell me if I went to visit Jacob and his family wearing a "I eat endangered species for breakfast" t-shirt that they wouldn't get upset at me. Face it, Julie. People only express themselves around people who feel the same way.

 

TINA: Did that just make any sense?

 

BETH: Were you always this slow or did you have an accident?

 

JULIE: I appreciate you two trying to help but I think everything will be fine.

 

JJ: (Enters) Knock, knock.

 

BETH: We're not home.

 

JJ: Aw, yes you are. You can't fool me.

 

BETH: Boy, Tina. You got one smart man there. Couldn't pull one over on him.

 

TINA: (Goes to him) Yeah, he is something special, ain't he?

 

JJ: You gotta beer, woman.

 

TINA: Sure, JJ. I'll get it for ya'.

 

BETH: Yes, JJ. You're as special as a three eyed frog.

 

JJ: I know.

 

BETH: Hey, JJ. I gotta ask you something.

 

JJ: Not now, Beth. I ain't up to no thinkin'. I just got off work.

 

BETH: I didn't realize shoveling manure took so much brain power.

 

JJ: You'd be surprised.

 

BETH: I wouldn't bug you normally. I know those brain cells you got left are pretty precious but you's just gotta try. Julie got a problem and I think only you can help.

 

JULIE: I don't have a problem, Beth.

 

BETH: Yes, you do and I think JJ can help.

 

JULIE: I don't think so.

 

BETH: This man is just what we need.

 

JJ: That's what all the ladies tell me.

 

BETH: (Hits him) Don't get all cocky on me now?

 

TINA: (Enters) Here's your beer?

 

JJ: Where'd you go to get it? Milwaukee?

 

BETH: Hey, that's good. You know where beer comes from.

 

JJ: That's right. Milwaukee, Texas. And you said I was stupid.

 

BETH: Will ceases never wonder.

 

JJ: (To JULIE) Now you come on over to Uncle JJ and tell him all your troubles.

 

JULIE: (To BETH) Let's drop it, okay.

 

BETH: (Aside to JULIE) I'll be subtle.

 

JJ: I got my beer. I'm ready to start thinkin' now.

 

BETH: (Aside) That'll be a first. (To JJ) Well, Julie here wants to start a business.

 

TINA: She does?

 

BETH: Yes, she wants to go into the t-shirt business. (Takes pad from TINA who starts to get it) What I'm going to do is tell you what some of the shirts say on them and you tell me what you'd if you saw someone wearing one.

 

JJ: Shoot.

 

BETH: Interesting choice of words.

 

JULIE: (Under her breathe) This is stupid.

 

BETH: Number one. Save the whales.

 

JJ: (To imaginary guy) Save the cowboys, you jerk.

 

BETH: Eat Beef and Die.

 

JJ: (Emphasizes his words with his fist) Eat this buddy. Pow, pow. (Laughs)

 

BETH: (To JULIE) I rest my case. Your witness.

 

JULIE: JJ? You wouldn't really beat someone up over a t-shirt.

 

JJ: I guy who wears a t-shirt like that deserves to be beat up. (Laughs) And if you're going to be doing a business, I'd find a different place to get t-shirts. (To TINA) Man, some guy wearing some dumb t-shirt like "Eat Beef and Die" better hope I ain't got my gun with me. Those veggie pinko-commies are gonna put me out of a job.

 

BETH: And what a job it is.

 

TINA: At least he's got a job. There's lots of guys out there who ain't got nothing.

 

JJ: They'z the ones you gotta watch out for. They'd really get you good if you'z going around sayin' "Save the Whales." Man, they'd take you out to the river and send you down to see 'em.

 

JULIE: Okay, I get the picture, JJ.

 

JJ: (Finishes beer) Thanks, babe. I gotta run.

 

TINA: When you gonna be back?

 

JJ: You got more beer?

 

TINA: Always.

 

JJ: I'll be back soon them. (Kisses her) Don't you be goin' nowhere either. I don't like it when my women ain't around when I'm lookin' for 'em.

 

TINA: I'll be here. (He goes)

 

BETH: Uh, what do you see in that man?

 

TINA: What? What's wrong with him?

 

BETH: You keep asking that and I keep telling you. If you don't got it by now, you ain't ever gonna get it.

 

TINA: What's to get?

 

BETH: Never mind.

 

JULIE: (Sitting, looking at pictures) I see what you mean, Beth. Everything he wears screams liberal. The ties, the shirts, everything.

 

BETH: I'm sorry, Julie, but he won't last five minutes out here.

 

JULIE: What should I say to him though? I can't tell him to forget everything he believes in just so he can see me.

 

BETH: Then break up with him. Tell him you don't want to see him anymore. That will take care of the problem.

 

JULIE: I don't want to do that.

 

BETH: I mean what's wrong with asking him to keep a low profile for a few days.

 

JULIE: He doesn't know how to keep a low profile. He's a major activist. He's always pushing some cause or another. He doesn't know when to quit.

 

BETH: (Sarcastic) Sounds fun.

 

JULIE: I find it kind of sexy actually.

 

BETH: Seeing get beat up by a bunch of rednecks won't be too sexy though.

 

JULIE: You know. That's the problem right there. Everyone here is a redneck. There isn't anything else. There's no other way to be.

 

TINA: And what's wrong with that?

 

JULIE: I mean there is so much more out there. There is so much more we can make of ourselves but everyone here just wants to be a redneck.

 

BETH: That's it. That's the answer. We'll just turn him into a redneck.

 

JULIE: That wasn't what I was getting at.

 

BETH: But it's the perfect answer. If you can turn him into a redneck for a week, your problem is solved.

 

JULIE: But I don't want him to be a redneck.

 

BETH: Just while he's here. Then when you send him home he can go back to being a hippie commie scum.

 

JULIE: This is crazy.

 

BETH: You're crazy not to try it.

 

JULIE: What do you want me to do? Call him up and say, "Hey, Jacob. Would you mind pretending to be a redneck while you're here? You're not good enough the way you are so I want you to pretend to be someone else."

 

TINA: That sounds good except I think that last sentence needs some work.

 

JULIE: He'll hate me if I do this.

 

BETH: Then he can't be that great of a guy.

 

JULIE: He is great, but this might be too much to ask of anyone. Tina, what about JJ. Do you think he'd pretend to be a vegetarian liberal to make you happy?

 

TINA: Why would he want to do that?

 

JULIE: To make you happy.

 

TINA: He does make me happy.

 

JULIE: I was speaking hypothetically.

 

TINA: Never heard of that language before. You mean you want JJ to learn it?

 

JULIE: No, Tina. I was just saying....

 

BETH: Give it up, Julie. It's not worth it.

 

JULIE: I guess maybe I should save Jacob the trouble and break up with him.

 

BETH: But you love him, Julie. You'd regret that move forever.

 

JULIE: I know, but.... I can't do this to him.

 

BETH: Give him a chance, Julie. You owe him a chance. You at least have to try.

 

JULIE: But should I tell him. Should I let him come as is?

 

BETH: Only if he has a good life insurance policy.

 

TINA: You better warn him. He's asking for trouble.

 

JULIE: I'll tell him some, but not enough to make it seem like I'm trying to "fix" him.

 

TINA: How come you don't want to fix him? He needs some serious fixing.

 

BETH: And JJ doesn't?

 

TINA: No.

 

BETH: Yeah, JJ is ready for the junkyard.

 

TINA: I know. He'd really like to work there but they ain't hiring.

 

BETH: (hand over head) Woosh! Went right by her didn't it?

 

TINA: What? JJ likes the junkyard.

 

BETH: Well, what are you waiting for, Julie?

 

JULIE: Fine. I'll call him and ask him to come down here dressed like a cowboy at least. He might do that.

 

BETH: Don't talk around the problem though. He needs to know what he's up against. They ain't like city folk here.

 

JULIE: (on phone) Hi, Jacob..... I got your letter..... surprised? Oh, yes..... Of course I'm excited about you coming.... what's wrong.... (to girls) He can tell I'm hiding something.

 

BETH: Tell him. It's for his own good.

 

JULIE: (To phone) Huh? Yes, I want you to come, it's just that people here are kind of different. No, not like me. Much, much different. They're not quite like the people in the city. They have their own ways of doing things. It's kind of like going to a foreign country.... They're not used to people like.... "we're" used to.

 

BETH: Get to the point, Julie.

 

JULIE: People here don't accept strangers too easily. I thought maybe you should... that you could.... I don't know how to say it.

 

BETH: Tell to watch some John Wayne movies.

 

TINA: And some Jim Carrey movies. I love Jim Carrey.

 

BETH: I think you've missed the point here, Tina.

 

TINA: You were talking about movies weren't you?

 

BETH: Tina, go sit down before you hurt yourself.

 

JULIE: Oh, I'm so glad you understand..... Yes, like a cowboy.... Good.... That'll do... See you soon, Jacob. Love you. Bye.

 

TINA: Love you? This is serious.

 

JULIE: Yes, it is serious. That's why I'm so worried.

 

TINA: Don't be. You've warned him. He'll be okay. Besides everyone is real nice here.

 

BETH: Tina. This is the town that took the only democratic politician whose come to town and threw him in the river. Ever summer, there's a "Maim the Liberal" shooting contest at the firing range. This is the only town that had a party when JFK was killed.

 

JULIE: (sobs) He's doomed.

 

TINA: Now look what you've done. (comforts JULIE)

 

BETH: Sorry, Julie. I'm worried, that's all.

 

TINA: Well, it's no reason to go and upset her.

 

BETH: I wasn't trying to upset her.... I was trying to upset YOU!

 

TINA: All this liberal talk has got you all worked up, Beth. You need to say the pledge of allegiance a few times. It always helps me to calm down after something like this.

 

BETH: I would laugh, but I don't think you're being funny.

 

JULIE: (Stops crying) I better go make a shopping list since we have a guest coming. I think it's my week to buy food anyway. (Exits to kitchen L)

 

BETH: (To TINA) I better call him and warn him what he's really getting himself into.

 

TINA: Do you have his number?

 

BETH: No, but all I have to do... (Gets phone) ...is hit redial.

 

TINA: I didn't know you could do that.

 

BETH: I'm not surprised. (To phone) Hello, Jacob. This is Julie's friend, Beth. We gotta talk. There's a few more things you should know about this town before you come. It's for your own safety.

 

TINA: Here comes Julie. (BETH hides in closet -or under covered table- with phone)

 

JULIE: You two need anything from the store?

 

TINA: (Trying to get JULIE to go) You better go so you can be back here for Jacob.

 

JULIE: You're right. See you.

 

TINA: Bye.

 

JULIE: Oh, wait. (TINA looks nervous) I need to make a call first.

 

TINA: No!

 

JULIE: No?

 

TINA: Here's a quarter. Call from the store.

 

JULIE: Why are you acting so weird? I mean weirder than usual.

(Goes to phone table) Where's the phone?

 

TINA: In...the closet.

 

JULIE: Why is it in the closet?

 

TINA: I thought it might be more private that way. (JULIE heads for closet. TINA stops her) No, don't go in there.

 

JULIE: Why not?

 

TINA: Beth is on the phone.

 

BETH: In the closet?

 

TINA: She's talking to her doctor and he said to go in the closet.

 

JULIE: What for?

 

TINA: He said she need to... come out of the closet.

 

JULIE: Never mind. I don't want to know. (Starts to go)

 

BETH: (Peeks out) Is she gone yet?

 

JULIE: No.

 

BETH: (To phone) Well, it was nice talking to you, Father Frank. I'll see you on Sunday. (Hangs up)

 

JULIE: Father Frank?

 

BETH: From church. I was just doing my weekly confession.

 

JULIE: In the closet?

 

BETH: I'm a closet Catholic.

 

JULIE: I didn't know you went to church.

 

BETH: I'm full of surprises.

 

JULIE: Tina? I thought you said she was talking to her doctor.

 

TINA: She was when she went into the closet.

 

BETH: I wanted to kill two birds with one stone. You've got to keep up your spiritual and physical health up together you know.

 

JULIE: I'm not stupid, Beth. Who were you talking to?

 

BETH: I told you.

 

JULIE: (Getting really mad) Who were you talking to, Beth?!

 

BETH: Okay, so I called Jacob. It was for his own good.

 

JULIE: You called him? What did you say?

 

BETH: I just gave him a few pointers.

 

JULIE: Like what?

 

BETH: Nothing major. Just a few tips on how to dress, how to talk, that kind of stuff.

 

JULIE: If he looks stupid...

 

BETH: He'll look great.

 

JULIE: He is taking this way too well.

 

BETH: He sure is. That's probably the first guy who's ever listened to me talk about anything. Maybe you should ask him to bring a friend.

 

TINA: Are you sure the clothes are gonna do it though? It takes more than a cowboy hat to make a cowboy.

 

BETH: Maybe we should put that on a t-shirt.

 

JULIE: No, no more changes. We've asked him to change too much already.

 

BETH: I wouldn't introduce him to your parents then. They'll see right through him. I swear you dad worked for the FBI or something the way he grills people. I remember when we were kids. He'd always know when we were up to no good. "Beth, where were you and Julie last night? Were you in the company of men? Were you ALONE with them? Were you?"

 

JULIE: Daddy's not that bad.

 

TINA: Close. That was almost like him, Beth.

 

BETH: Years of study. You'd buy ice cream and the man would want to know the ingredients.

 

JULIE: Now you're over doing it.

 

BETH: Please, avoid your father. Jacob's so nice and sensitive. Your dad would probably make him cry.

 

TINA: Boys don't cry.

 

BETH: You some kind of wind up doll? Pull the string and you say some hick from the stick proverb.

 

TINA: Proverb? You mean like the bible?

 

BETH: Whoosh!

 

TINA: Stop that.

 

JULIE: I don't want you two doing anything else while I'm gone. You've done more than enough.

 

TINA: We just wanted to help you out, that's all.

 

JULIE: I know you did. I just hope he didn't mind too much.

 

BETH: He sounded real grateful. He really wants to make you happy.

 

JULIE: I have to go get something for dinner tonight. I'll be back soon. (Exits R)

 

BETH: Now the real planning begins.

 

TINA: What do you mean?

 

BETH: Operation Redneck is close at hand.

 

TINA: Huh?

 

BETH: I'm going to make Jacob into the ultimate redneck. She won't even recognize him when we're done with him.

 

TINA: Will she like that though?

 

BETH: Of course she will. (Searches) We need lots of paper and pens.

 

TINA: What for?

 

BETH: To makes notes. I want to write down some tips on how to be a redneck so Jacob can look at it whenever he needs to.

 

TINA: That's a good idea.

 

BETH: I'm terrible at this kind of stuff though. I always need something to get ideas from. What I need is a redneck.

 

TINA: Do we know any rednecks? Where we gonna find one?

 

JJ: (Enters. To TINA) Hey, woman. You got any beer?

(Goes to sofa and turns on TV) Boy, howdy. The Rodeo Network. When did you get that?

 

BETH: Ask and ye shall receive.

 

TINA: JJ? He's not a redneck...is he?

 

BETH: Honey, he put the red in neck.

 

JJ: Aw, man. My ma can ride a bull better than that.

 

BETH: I've gotta write this stuff down.

 

JJ: Where's my beer, woman?

 

TINA: Coming. (Exits)

 

BETH: The question is - do we really want Jacob to act like this? Do we really want two of them in the world?

 

JJ: What you gabbin' about over there?

 

BETH: I was just sayin' out loud how suave and devinaire you are?

 

JJ: (Confused) What's that supposed to mean?

 

TINA: (Enters) Here's your beer, dear.

 

JJ: Beer - dear. (Laughs) That's funny.

 

TINA: (Smiles) Thanks.

 

BETH: She's a regular comedian.

 

JJ: You're just jealous.

 

BETH: Yes, you're sure giving me plenty to be jealous of there JJ.

 

JJ: Hey, don't worry, Beth. You'll find a guy tough enough for you some day.

 

BETH: I doubt it.

 

(BETH takes TINA aside)

 

BETH: He'll be perfect.

 

TINA: So how we gonna do this?

 

BETH: Wait. Let's get JJ out of our hair for a few minutes while we plan this.

 

TINA: How we gonna do that?

 

BETH: (Picks up a fly swatter) Hey, JJ. We got too many flies out in our back yard and we wanna have a party tonight. Think you could get 'em all for us?

 

JJ: I don't know.

 

BETH: I'll buy you a six pack.

 

JJ: Sure. (Gets swatter) You little sucker gonna die. (exits)

 

TINA: Do you think we can really turn Julie's guy into someone like JJ?

 

BETH: I don't know. But for Julie's sake, we gotta try.

 

TINA: He isn't gonna like us asking a bunch of questions though. He hates those thinking things.

 

BETH: Let's see. There must be a way.... I can afford the amount of beer it would take... I know. We'll....

 

TINA: Here he comes...

 

JJ: (Excited) Ooo-weee. I didn't know you had a bug zapper. Man, those things are so cool. (Immitates one) I gotta get me one of those.

 

BETH: Hey, JJ. You wanna win some money?

 

JJ: Duh... Who wouldn't?

 

BETH: There's this contest in Tina's George Straight Fan Club newletter....

 

TINA: There is? (BETH gives her a look) Oh, yeah. There is.

 

BETH: See, it's a contest for the perfect couple... You think you guys are the perfect couple.

 

JJ: Who? Me and Tina?

 

BETH: No, you and Hillary Clinton. Oh, course Tina.

 

JJ: You bet we're the best couple. We'll win for sure. (gives TINA a squeeze)

 

BETH: But you got to answer a few questions.

 

JJ: Naw, I don't wanna answer a bunch a sissy questions. That's stupid.

 

TINA: Do it for me, honey-pie.

 

JJ: Aw, man. This is dumb. No way.

 

BETH: First prize is a million dollars.

 

JJ: Well, maybe I could answer a few.

 

TINA: Go ahead, Beth.

 

BETH: What's the most romantic thing you've ever done for Tina?

 

JJ: Romantic? Uh... probably that time I spray painted her name on the General Lee Street Overpass. (TINA smiles happily)

 

TINA: That was something. You coulda been killed. He used real big letters too.

 

BETH: Too bad he spelled it wrong.

 

TINA: It's the thought that counts.

 

BETH: I mean who spells Tina with an E instead of an A.

 

JJ: Can we get on with this? I got things to do.

 

BETH: Have you ever invested anything for your future such as the stock market?

 

JJ: The stock market? Yeah, I might buy us a cow or two.

 

BETH: What did you think of the outcome of the O.J. trial?

 

JJ: I don't know, but I think I like Sunny Delight the best myself? Did they pick Sunny Delight or Minutemaid?

 

TINA: I don't remember.

 

BETH: What do you think about subdivisions?

 

JJ: I think they're too hard. I've always been bad at math.

 

TINA: Me too.

 

BETH: Let's hope your kids don't mind.

 

TINA: What?

 

BETH: Nothing. Next question. What was the luckiest day of your life?

 

JJ: They day I won a free case of oil from the Chevron.

 

TINA: That was so cool.

 

BETH: What is your goal in life?

 

JJ: To own my own fireworks stand.

 

TINA: You really think you will one day?

 

JJ: I don't know, but I can dream.

 

BETH: Have you ever done any charity work?

 

JJ: I keep trying to take my old stuff to the Salvation Army, but they won't take it. They say, This ain't no dump.

 

BETH: Are you the kind of person who would own a personalized license plate?

 

JJ: Any plate I get here is personalized to me.

 

TINA: Why's that?


JJ: Cause my daddy's one of them guys who makes them.

 

BETH: Isn't your dad in prison?

 

JJ: Yeah, so?

 

BETH: Never mind. Never question. What is your favorite gourmet dish?

 

JJ: Pork and beans.

 

BETH: Do you own a three piece suit?

 

JJ: Got one on right now. Overalls, flannel shirt, and underwear.

 

TINA: And only sometimes on the underwear. (She and JJ laugh)

 

BETH: That's more than I wanted to know, Tina. JJ, what your biggest ambition in life.

 

JJ: To get that coon that keeps gettin' in my garbage. I swear if I ever see him, I'm gonna blow his head off.

 

BETH: How sweet. If you went on a trip, what would you want to see?

 

JJ: I hear that down in Cactus Point they have the biggest beer can collection in the world.

 

BETH: Who is your favorite Uncle?

 

JJ: My dad.

 

BETH: What do you when you're in trouble and need to find a way out?

 

JJ: I think, "What would Curly do?"

 

BETH: What's the first club you ever belonged to?

 

JJ: When I was five years old, I became an official member of the NRA. I still have the card.

 

BETH: What is your favorite Olympic sport?

 

JJ: Mud wrestling.

 

BETH: That's not an Olympic sport.

 

JJ: Well, it should be.

 

BETH: If you ever make your fortune, how will you do it?

 

JJ: I had this great idea once. Now don't you all tell nobody. But I was thinking, what have I got a lot of that other people might need?

 

BETH: Couldn't be brains.

 

JJ: No, dirt. I've got lots of dirt.

 

BETH: Next question. What do you think of gun control?

 

JJ: Gun control is a steady hand.

 

BETH: Do you know how to use the internet?

 

JJ: The internet? That some kind of new fishing tool?

 

BETH: If you could pick the eighth wonder of the world, what would you chose?

 

JJ: The Budweiser plant outside of town.

 

BETH: What's something that happened a long time ago that you're still upset about?

 

JJ: That they cancelled the "Dukes of Hazard." I loved that show.

 

TINA: They got reruns now on the Nashville Network.

 

JJ: Really? Cool.

 

BETH: Which family member do you want to be like when you get older?

 

JJ: My mama.

 

TINA: Really?

 

JJ: Yeah. You know how many tattoos she's got?

 

BETH: No, and I don't want to know.

 

JJ: (Stands and shows TINA. Has back to audience) This one is my favorite. Mama's got the same one too.

 

TINA: That's a nice one.

 

JJ: It was expensive. I'm still paying this baby off.

 

BETH: Who do you admire most?

 

JJ: Jack Daniels. (He and TINA laugh)

 

BETH: What do you want to name your children?

 

JJ: Jack and Daniel.

 

BETH: You have a one track mind.

 

JJ: I sure am getting thirsty.

 

TINA: I think you left a bottle of JD in my room.

 

JJ: Boy, howdy. This is my lucky day. (exits)

 

BETH: I can't believe this.

 

TINA: How did he do?

 

BETH: Tina, the man is an idiot.

 

TINA: I thought he did very well.

 

BETH: Maybe I should call someone else. No one could pretend to be this dumb.

 

TINA: He ain't pretending. You just ain't givin' him a chance. Ask him one more and make it really hard. I bet he'll get it right.

 

JJ: (Comes from kitchen) We done with all them question yet?

 

TINA: Just one more, honey.

 

BETH: What is your opinion on the Roe vs. Wade decision?

 

JJ: (thinks. TINA looks hopeful) Now that's something I've thought lots about. But I think I've finally settled one what side of that issue. I much prefer to row across a river than wade. (BETH throws her notes in the air) What? The river's way to cold to wade across.

 

BETH: This is totally hopeless. (exits)

 

JJ: What's with her?

 

TINA: Nothin'. You want another beer?

 

JJ: Oh, baby. You say the sweetest things. (grabs TINA and pulls her onto couch and kisses her. Stops and looks at her lovingly) You know what, baby doll?

 

TINA: What?

 

JJ: I wonder what's on TV?

 

JULIE: I'm back. (Returns with groceries)

 

JJ: Hey! Food.

 

JULIE: It's not for you.

 

JJ: Who's it for?

 

JULIE: If you must know, it's for my boyfriend.

 

JJ: Ooooh. Julie's got a boyfriend. Julie's got a boyfriend.

 

JULIE: (To TINA) How old is he?

 

TINA: He's still a little boy inside.

 

JJ: Yea, a little boy who likes beer. Can I have another one?

 

JULIE: No, go home.

 

JJ: Aw, man.

 

JULIE: Go mooch off your mom and dad for awhile. (BETH enters)

 

JJ: But they won't give me beer. Dad hogs it all.

 

BETH: I guess it runs in the family. (JJ exits)

 

JULIE: I've got to get this place cleaned up for Jacob.

 

BETH: You can't call him Jacob around here. You gotta call him Jake.

 

JULIE: Jake?

 

BETH: I've got all kinds of great ideas for you.

 

TINA: Yeah, JJ helped.

 

JULIE: JJ? I don't know about this.

 

BETH: Trust me. Jake won't know what hit him.

 

JULIE: That's what I'm afraid of. (They exit to kitchen as lights fade to black)

 

Scene 2

 

(Lights come up on TINA watching at window. She seems something and gets excited)

 

TINA: He's here. He's here.

 

BETH: (Enters) Let's see how he looks. (Looks out window) Oh, no. (Knock at door)

 

JULIE: (Enters) Let him in, Tina.

 

BETH: Hurry before somebody shoots him.

 

TINA: (Opens door) Hey there.

 

JACOB: (Comes in as a store bought cowboy) Howdy.

 

JULIE: Jacob. (Goes and hugs him)

 

BETH: Jake.

 

JACOB: Jake?

 

JULIE: We thought you'd better go by Jake.

 

JACOB: That would probably be better than the name I though up.

 

TINA: What's that?

 

JACOB: Tex Ranger. (Girls laugh) Well, I thought it was okay until I got here. You should have seen the look I got from the guy at the airport when I said it.

 

BETH: I'm surprised no one killed you on the way here between the name and the outfit.

 

JACOB: What's wrong with my outfit?

 

BETH: What isn't wrong with it?

 

JULIE: It was a nice try but it looks like you've never been near a barn your whole life.

 

JACOB: Well, I haven't.

 

BETH: We know that but we can't let Julie's family know that.

 

JACOB: I guess I do kind of stand out.

 

BETH: Like a boil on a baby's butt. (Takes his hat) First we gotta make the hat look like it's been around. (Stomps on it)

 

JACOB: Hey! That was expensive.

 

BETH: And lose the bolo.

 

JACOB: I like the bolo.

 

BETH: It's way too K-Mart.

 

JACOB: You have to like the belt buckle. I looked for the biggest one I could.

 

ALL: (Read) I'm a cowboy

 

BETH: I'm glad somebody thinks so.

 

JACOB: Is this really all that bad?

 

JULIE: I'm afraid so.

 

JACOB: I'm sorry, Julie. I tried.

 

JULIE: I shouldn't make you try to be something you aren't. That isn't fair of me. You're a wonderful man. I should be telling everyone how excited I am about you. I shouldn't be trying to hide who you really are.

 

JACOB: Thanks, Julie.

 

BETH: Then again, you don't want someone shooting you either.

 

JACOB: True.

 

JULIE: Let's forget it. I can't do this to Jacob. If they can't accept him for what he is, then they can lump it.

 

BETH: Yeah, you're Dad's a real understanding guy. Remember the time he went after the guy with his 22 because he told your Dad he thought the NRA was stupid. I haven't seen him since.

 

TINA: Can you believe it? Who in their right mind would say the NRA was dumb?

 

JULIE: Uh, Tina. Jacob led a whole letter writing campaign to ask Congress to ban assault riffles.

 

TINA: You're kidding. And you still want to date him?

 

BETH: Don't spread that bit of news around. I think there are more assault rifles around here than in the army.

 

JACOB: Maybe we should reconsider our "take me as I am" idea.

 

JULIE: I can't make you do that.

 

JACOB: On the other hand, I don't want to leave town in a box.

 

BETH: Don't worry. If they went after you, they wouldn't be able to find the body.

 

JACOB: Maybe I should go while I still can.

 

TINA: Are you communist?

 

JULIE: Tina, please.

 

JACOB: Why? They don't like communists either?

 

BETH: Do cows like eggs up their butts?

 

JULIE: What is this with all the butt jokes?

 

BETH: JJ was here. I got butts on the mind.

 

TINA: He does have a nice one.

 

BETH: I was talking about the one on his shoulders.

 

TINA: He doesn't have a butt on his shoulders.

 

BETH: Never mind, Tina.

 

TINA: Hey, were you calling him a butthead?

 

BETH: Hey, everyone. She caught up.

 

JULIE: Would you two go somewhere else and have this conversation?

 

BETH: Come on, Tina. Let's leave these two alone.

 

TINA: I can't believe you called him a butthead.

 

BETH: Let it go, Tina. (TINA goes L) I think I liked it better when she didn't get my jokes. (BETH exits L)

 

JULIE: I'm sorry I didn't warn you earlier about all of this.

 

JACOB: I was wondering why you didn't want me to come. I thought maybe you were trying to tell me things were over.

 

JULIE: No, never. I was just afraid what you'd think of me if you saw where I came from. (BETH enters again to get a magazine)

 

JACOB: Nothing could make me change my mind about you.

 

BETH: Except maybe her daddy's gun.

 

JULIE: (Annoyed) Beth.

 

BETH: I'm going. I'm going. (Exits R)

 

JULIE: I wish I hadn't taken this job. I didn't realize it would take so much of my time.

 

JACOB: I know, that's why I wanted to come down and see you.

 

JULIE: I'm so glad you did. (They sit on sofa together)

 

JACOB: So did you miss old Tex?

 

JULIE: More than a fly misses a cowpie.

 

JACOB: Is that good or bad?

 

JULIE: Depends on who you are.

 

JACOB: I don't know. Who should I be? Tex, Jacob, or Jake?

 

JULIE: I don't know. Maybe I'll have to try kissing each of you to see which one of you I like best.

 

JACOB: (Stands. Acts like Tex/John Wayne) Well, I reccon I'll give that a try. (Spit) Give old Tex a little smooch.

 

JULIE: (Pushes him away, laughing) Next.

 

JACOB: Well, I'm not sure if this is Jacob or Jake, but let's give this one a try.

(They kiss)

 

JULIE: I don't who it was either, but I like him. (They kiss again)

 

TINA: (Comes in. Sees them. Leans on back of sofa) Well.... (JACOB and JULIE are startled by her) At least he kisses like a redneck.

 

JACOB: Thanks. I think.

 

JULIE: Now, the toughest challenge is Mom and Dad.

 

JACOB: Maybe I shouldn't meet them.

 

JULIE: You have to do it and some point...

 

TINA: Unless you're not really interested in Julie.

 

JACOB: Of course I am! (BETH reenters)

 

TINA: Then, you better meet her mom and dad.

 

 

TINA: No couple can survive without the blessing of mom and dad.

 

JULIE: So your mom and dad approve of JJ?

 

TINA: Sure. We grew up together. He's like family.

 

BETH: That's cause he is family.

 

TINA: He's only a second cousin.

 

BETH: They met at a family reunion.

 

TINA: We did not. That was my sister and her boyfriend.

 

BETH: Oh, sorry, my mistake.

 

JACOB: You can't be serious.

 

JULIE: We're not kidding. Everyone in this town is related.

 

JACOB: Everyone?

 

JULIE: Let's just say when we have a family reunion, everyone in town comes.

 

JACOB: Scary.

 

JULIE: Maybe this wasn't a good idea.

 

JACOB: No, this was a great idea. I want you to get on the phone and call your parents now. Invite them over and I'll cook them my best gourmet meal.

 

TINA: Gore-mey?

 

BETH: You can cook?

 

JULIE: Just make sure there's some meat in it.

 

JACOB: Prepare to be dazzled. (JACOB exits to kitchen)

 

JULIE: Isn't he great? (JULIE exits)

 

BETH: A man who cooks. He's in big trouble.

 

TINA: I didn't think men were allowed to cook.

 

BETH: If Julie's parent's see this guy, they're going freak.

 

TINA: Poor Julie.

 

BETH: Wait. I've got a plan. Come with me. (BETH heads for front door)

 

TINA: (follows) Where are we going?

 

BETH: I've got a plan to save Jacob. Let's go.

 

(Lights fade to black)

 

Scene 3

 

Tina and Beth pretend to be Julie's parents for Jacobs sake to try him out

JJ comes - Jacob realizes Tina and Beth are puttiing on an act - And JJ, you must be who? - Tries to unmask him - gets himself in trouble

 

(Lights come up with BETH and TINA entering cautiously through the front door. BETH is dressed as an old cowboy complete with handlebar mustache. TINA is dressed as an old lady)

 

BETH: Okay. Julie will be gone for about an hour. You ready?

 

TINA: Who am I again?

 

BETH: (rolls her eyes) Julie's mom.

 

TINA: But she doesn't look like this.

 

BETH: Jacob doesn't know that. You ready?

 

TINA: Sure.

 

BETH: (Opens and shuts door loudly. Does a deep manly voice) Hello, anyone home.

 

TINA: Who are you again? (JACOB comes out in a frilly apron)

 

BETH: Shh. (Sees JACOB) Oh, hey there.

 

JACOB: (takes off apron) Oh, hi. Can I help you?

 

BETH: Yes, we're looking for our daughter, Julie.

 

JACOB: Oh, Julie went to the store.

 

BETH: And who might you be?

 

JACOB: I'm Jacob. Julie's friend.

 

TINA: You mean Julie's boyfriend.

 

BETH: I didn't know she had a boyfriend.

 

TINA: You don't look like you're from around here.

 

JACOB: Well, I'm not. I'm down for a visit.

 

JJ: (Enters) Im here for some beer, baby! (Stops when he sees them) Hey, everybody what's... (Sees BETH and TINA) What are you two doing?

 

TINA: Oh, hi there, JJ. Why don't we step outside a minute?

 

JJ: Why don't you give me a big kiss, Granny? (JJ kisses TINA who struggles a little and then gives in)

 

BETH: (Normal voice) Will you two knock it off?

 

JACOB: Okay, I can see what's going on here. (Pulls off BETH and TINA's disguises and laughs) You two were so funny. I knew something was up the minute I saw you.

 

JJ: Who's this sissy boy?

 

JACOB: (Referring to JJ) You're friend here put on the best act of all. (To JJ) You did the perfect redneck impression. In fact, you even make rednecks look stupid. You were so funny.

 

JJ: What the... You some kind of nut?

 

JACOB: He can't stop. He's hilarious.

 

JJ: Keep it up, funny boy, and I'll take you out back teach you to sniff cow pies.

 

JACOB: (Laughs) You're killing me. (Laughs more)

 

BETH: Keep it up, Jake and he will kill you.

 

JACOB: (Imitates) I'm here for some beer, baby. (Laughs)

 

JJ: (Grabs him) Now you die. (BETH and TINA scream and jump of JJ. They struggle to hold him back. JJ lets go of JACOB. JJ and girls spin around struggling. Looks like a rodeo. JACOB is laughing, thinking it's all for fun. They end up in kitchen)

 

JULIE: (Walks in. Sees mess) What's going on?

 

JACOB: (Still laughing) You're...(laughs)...friends. They're...(laughs)

 

JULIE: What's that noise?

 

BETH: (Runs out) Rope. Where's a rope?

 

JULIE: Rope?! What are you doing?

 

BETH: Julie. Oh, man. Julie. We...uh....

 

TINA: (Runs out) He's waking up!!

 

JULIE: Who's waking up?

 

BETH: (Embarrassed) We just knocked JJ over the head.

 

JULIE: It's about time. (JACOB laughs more) What did he do?

 

BETH: He was trying to kill Jacob.

 

JULIE: What?!

 

TINA: Jacob thought JJ was pretending to be a redneck.

 

JULIE: Oh, no.

 

JACOB: (Stops laughing) Pretending?

 

JULIE: Jacob. JJ is always like that.

 

JACOB: (Scared) You mean he always acts that way.

 

BETH: Unfortunately, yes.

 

JACOB: And I just.... I said.... I better get out of here.

 

JULIE: Good idea. Let's go to your place.

 

JACOB: No, Julie. I'm not going to run. If our relationship is going to work, I have to learn to fit in here like you do in the city. I can't run every time someone takes a dislike to me.

 

JJ: (Comes out with a flying pan in his hand) WHERE IS HE?!!!

 

JACOB: Time to go. (Runs out. JJ runs after him)

 

TINA: JJ, no! (Runs after them)

 

BETH: (Yells out door) Tina! Offer him a keg if he doesn't kill him?!

 

JULIE: What'll we do, Beth? We don't have anyone who can help.

 

BETH: Maybe I better head for the city too. I'm the one who hit JJ over the head.

(TINA runs in out of breath)

 

JULIE: Tina, what happened?

 

TINA: Jacob made to his car....

 

JULIE: Oh, good.

 

TINA: But then JJ jumped on the hood of his car....

 

JULIE: He didn't.

 

TINA: He did. Then Jacob drove off with JJ still on the hood.

 

BETH: That must have turned a few heads. It's not every day you see a redneck hanging on the hood of a Subaru.

 

JULIE: This isn't funny, Beth.

 

BETH: Did I laugh? I said it with a straight face, didn't I?

 

JULIE: Are they okay, Tina?

 

TINA: JJ fell off... He didn't look hurt.

 

BETH: He must have landed on his head.

 

JULIE: Beth.

 

BETH: Sorry.

 

TINA: After that, JJ hopped in his truck and chased him down the road.

 

JULIE: We better call the police.

 

BETH: Which ones?

 

JULIE: What do you mean? (Picks up phone)

 

BETH: Call the sheriff and Jacob gets thrown in jail. Call the state police, they'll put JJ away.

 

TINA: (To JULIE. Grabs at phone) Call the sheriff...

 

JULIE: (Pulls phone away) NO!

 

TINA: We have to call someone. They'll get killed.

 

BETH: That's it. Let God sort it out.

 

TINA and JULIE: Beth!

 

BETH: (Mimics them) What?

 

JULIE: What'll we do then?

 

BETH: Flip a coin. Heads, call the sheriff. Tails, the state police.

 

TINA: Sounds fair.

 

JULIE: Sounds stupid to me.

 

BETH: Then let them kill each other.

 

TINA: Who's got a coin?

 

JULIE: I've got one.

 

TINA: We can't use her coin. That's not fair.

 

BETH: Fine. I'll use one of mine. (They flip) Heads.

 

TINA: Yeah! (Goes to phone) What's the number?

 

BETH: 911.

 

TINA: And... (Hears someone) Oh, hi, Anges. How's your boyfriend? (Goes into closet)

 

JULIE: (Falls on sofa, upset) Jacob's dead. Sheriff Roscoe will take JJ's side. At least we could have let him make it to the next county. (Lights fade to black)

 

 

Scene 4

 

(Lights come up on JULIE and TINA who are really upset and BETH is comforting them)

 

BETH: The sheriff called. He says he took care of it.

 

JULIE: That's what I'm afraid of.

 

BETH: They'll be fine. Don't worry.

 

TINA: (hears sirens and runs to window) It's them.

 

BETH: (Goes to window) What's with them?

 

(JJ and JACOB enter arm in arm singing. They are far from sober)

 

JJ and JACOB: Oh, mamas, don't let your sons grow up to be cowboys.

 

BETH: They're drunk.

 

JULIE: Drunk?

 

TINA: What have you boys been doing?

 

JJ: The sheriff. He took us drinking.

 

JULIE: He did what?

 

JACOB: He said we needed to learn to get along.

 

JJ: And we did, after about a six pack.

 

JACOB: More like a twelve pack. (JJ laughs at JACOB)

 

JJ: We's good friends now.

 

BETH: At least until they get sober.

 

JULIE: Come on, Jacob. Let me get you some coffee. (JULIE exits for coffee)

 

JJ: Could you put a little whisky in it? (JACOB laughs at JJ)

 

TINA: So how'd the sheriff find you?

 

JACOB: I would have gotten away, but I ran out of gas.

 

JJ: I would have had him but the sheriff found us first.

 

JACOB: Yeah, the sheriff found JJ pounding on my car with a frying pan. (Both of them laugh)

 

JJ: You should see the dents.

 

JACOB: They're so round. (They laugh, give each other some playing punches on the arms and fall on the couch)

 

JJ: You know what I'm gonna do, Tina?

 

BETH: Don't you dare puke on our rug.

 

JJ: I'm gonna teach Jake here to be a regular home boy.

 

BETH: Well, nobody knows how to be a redneck better than JJ.

 

JACOB: JJ's the man.

 

JULIE: Okay, I've got some coffee going. Why don't you guys come in here and have some? (JACOB and JJ help each other up and head for kitchen)

 

JACOB: Was that really your grandma at the bar?

 

JJ: Yeah, she can out drink any man, woman, or child in this town. I remember the time she had herself a keg at bingo. (They exit to kitchen)

 

JULIE: I don't know about this. Maybe I never should have let Jacob come here.

 

TINA: Actually, I'm liking him better and better all the time. (Exits to kitchen)

 

JULIE: I have a terrible feeling about all this Beth. JJ, dinner with my parents, everything.

 

BETH: Come on. I'm sure things aren't as bad as they seem.

 

JULIE: They certainly couldn't get any worse. (Knock at door) Oh, my heck. Who is that?

 

BETH: (looks out window) Things just got worse. It's your parents.

 

JULIE: What are they doing here?

 

BETH: I'll sneak Jacob and JJ out the back door. (Heads for kitchen)

 

JULIE: Thank you, Beth. That's probably the best thing we can do for now. (BETH exits and JULIE opens the door) Hey, what are you guys doing here?

 

DAD: Can't we drop by for a visit?

 

JULIE: Sure, it's just that things are kind of crazy right now. (Crash heard in kitchen)

 

MOM: (Heads for kitchen) What was that?

 

JULIE: I think a couple of raccoon got in there. Beth and Tina are taking care of it.

 

DAD: Coons! I'll go get my gun.

 

JULIE: No, no, dad. No guns. That's okay.

 

DAD: Ain't no problem that can't be solved with a gun, sweet pea.

 

MOM: (Goes to kitchen door) I hear singing in there.

 

JULIE: (Grabs MOM and leads her away from kitchen) Beth and Tina do that to calm the raccoons down so they can catch them.

 

MOM: Sounded like men's voices.

 

DAD: You got guys in there?

 

JULIE: Well, uh' (JACOB, TINA, and JJ enter arm in arm singing)

 

JACOB, TINA, JJ: Happy Trails to you. Until we meet again. (BETH follows them out looking sheepishly at JULIE)

 

JJ: Look who's here. It's Julie's kin.

 

JACOB: (Goes up and shakes DAD's hand) Howdy, partner. (Goes to MOM) Howdy, ma'am. You're one fine looking filly.

 

JJ: (Aside to JULIE) I taught him to say that.

 

JULIE: Oh, joy. (Rushes to separate MOM and DAD from JACOB)

 

MOM: Who is this young man, Julie? I haven't seen him around here before.

 

BETH: (Rushes up to JACOB) Oh, him. He's my boyfriend. Come on, Tex. Time to ride off into the sunset. (Steers JACOB back to kitchen)

TINA: (Takes JJ back to kitchen too) Come on, JJ. Let's saddle up too.

 

JJ: (Smacks her on rear) Yee-haw! (They all exit leaving DAD, JULIE, and MOM looking shell shocked)

 

MOM: I didn't think there was another man alive like JJ. I'm sorry to see that there is.

 

JULIE: Oh, he's not that bad, really. He just, well he.

 

MOM: You don't have to defend Beth's boyfriend to us dear.

 

DAD: Just promise me you won't hook up with a sorry varmint like that okay pudding?

 

MOM: Yes, why don't you find one of them nice city boys like the ones you went to college with?

 

JULIE: What?

 

DAD: Yeah, them city boys have a future. They's gonna make something of themselves. The boys here just gonna find themselves doing the same dead end jobs their pappies is doing. Their ain't no future here.

 

MOM: That's why we sent you to college, dear. So you'd have a future.

 

DAD: Don't get us wrong. We love having you here. But you never would have got that great job at the bank if you didn't have that college degree.

 

JULIE: I'd probably still be a waitress otherwise.

 

MOM: Don't waste your time with these boys around here. They're trouble.

 

DAD: Besides, most of them are related anyway. (MOM and DAD laugh)

 

MOM: Here, I wanted to drop off this letter from your college. It got sent to our house by mistake.

 

DAD: Looks important.

 

JULIE: (opens it) It is important. I've been accepted to the graduate program. They're offering me funding too.

 

MOM: (hugs her) That's wonderful, dear. Go back up there are get yourself a man.

 

JULIE: It's an education I'm looking for, Mom. Not a man.

 

DAD: You ain't one of them lezbos are you, sugar pie?

JULIE: No, Dad. Don't worry. I like guys.

 

MOM: She just has priorities. (Giggles) See, I can sound smart too.

 

JULIE: You are smart, Mom. Both of you are.

 

DAD: See you, honey tart.

 

MOM: Congratulations. Come over tonight. I'll make you a nice cake to celebrate.

 

JULIE: Thanks, mom. Good-bye. (Shuts door. She goes to couch silently and plops down, totally drained)

 

BETH: (Peeks out) The coast is clear.

 

JACOB: (Comes out upset , head hurting) Julie? (Goes to her) Everything okay?

 

JULIE: Not really. Mom and Dad think you're a total creep.

 

JACOB: (Falls onto couch) Oh, great. But I thought that's what they wanted.

 

JULIE: So did I. But no, they don't want me to have anything to do with the rednecks around here. They want me to find a nice city boy.

 

JACOB: Hey, that's good isn't it?

 

JULIE: But they've met you and think you're a stupid redneck.

 

BETH: I know. Tell them that was Jacob's twin brother named Tex. Tell them Tex introduced you to Jacob.

 

JULIE: I'm not going to lie to my parents.

 

BETH: Why not? It always works for me.

 

JULIE: You're not helping, Beth.

 

JACOB: I guess I never should have come huh? I better head back home.

 

JULIE: Yeah, you better. (JACOB gets up. Looks at JULIE a moment and then heads to kitchen and exits)

 

BETH: What? You're just going to let him go.

 

JJ: (Comes out) Julie? What do you think you're doing?

 

JULIE: Huh?

 

JJ: You have my buddy pretty dang upset in there. How dare you break his heart like that!

 

JULIE: JJ, please. Not now.

 

JJ: Man, you women are all so darn difficult. You make it so hard on us. First you act like you like us. We do what you want. Then you hate us for doing what you want.

 

BETH: I hate to admit it, but JJ is making sense for once in his life.

 

JJ: That guy in there would do anything for you. If you don't see that, then you ain't worth it.

 

JULIE: You know what, JJ? (Gets up. JJ backs away thinking he is going to get hit) You're right.

 

JJ: I am?

 

JULIE: I'm going with him.

 

BETH: (Smiles) You are? (JACOB comes out of kitchen with TINA)

 

JULIE: Jacob?

 

JACOB: Don't worry. I'm going.

 

JULIE: No, wait. I'm sorry. (Smiles at JJ) Someone told me I'm being too hard on you and I think he's right. How about a second chance?

 

JACOB: You'd do that for me?

 

JULIE: No, a second chance for me.

 

JACOB: (Hugs her) I'd give three or four chances. (They exit back to kitchen)

 

TINA: (Hugs JJ) I love a happy ending.

 

JJ: You know what? That makes me the hero. I saved the day. What you say we go celebrate?

 

TINA: Okay. (JJ and TINA exit out front door)

 

BETH: (Sits on couch and breathes a sigh of relief) What a day. (Turns on TV) And over in time for COPS. Hey! That's cousin Beau! Run you good for nothing redneck!

(Lights fade to black as the COPS "Bad Boys" theme plays)

 

END OF PLAY


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