Romance on the Rocks
by D. M. Larson
A Dark Comedy for 3 Actors (1 male 2 female)
What is this? You ask me to meet you in the middle of nowhere… near a cliff. Should I be worried?
It's our six month anniversary. I wanted to do something special.
God, has it been six months already? What's so romantic about a bunch of rocks?
It's where we met.
I was parked here enjoying the sunset. I love how the sun hits the water and sets the water on fire. You were lost and stopped here to ask me for directions. You seemed to like my car a lot.
Very expensive. I figured you were a guy with good taste.
And you gave me your number. It took me forever to call.
No kidding. I should have taken that as a sign.
You didn't remember me until I mentioned my car.
It's a memorable car.
So I thought it would be fun to bring you back here… and enjoy the sunset together... But you're a little late. You missed it.
Whatever. You've seen one sunset you've see them all.
I think everyone is unique and different - like snowflakes.
Can we go now ? I hope you planned something else because this is pretty lame and it’s getting dark.
l - I got you a card - I meant to get you better one but my favorite bookstore is going out of business and they only had a few cards left.
You put the choo in my choo choo?
It made me laugh.
That makes one of us. So is this all you got me?
I wanted to get a picture of us too. Remember how you wanted me to take a picture of you with my car? Well I wanted to do it again but with both of us together.
How are you going to do that? You were standing way over there.
I brought a tripod.
Well where is it?
Oh man. I think the wind blew it over the cliff. There it is. I think I can reach it.
Forget it. Let’s go.
I can almost touch it
(She walks away and turns her back to him)
You know what. I'm not sure this is working out for us.
(PHIL falls - NOTE: staging for this can be difficult - Phil can fall off some fake rocks onto a mattress hidden upstage or he can fall over some fake rocks to the side of the stage so the audience can see him but the other actors do not)
No, don't say anything. I know you're upset but I need to get this off my chest. I don't think we're right for each other. Sure you have money and a cool car but that's it. There's nothing more to you. And I just don't think I can be with someone so superficial anymore. I need a guy who thinks more about what I want. You're so caught up in sunsets and books and poetry. I need someone who is caught up in me. I should feel important. What I want should be important to you. So that's why I'm leaving you... Leaving you and that wonderful car of yours. And all that money...
No please don't tempt me any longer with your materialism. I need to be free. Free to be with someone puts me first and gives me my heart's desire. Goodbye Phil.
Star light star bright, the first star I see tonight, I wish I may I wish I might get the wish I wish tonight. I love the stars here… above the ocean... away from the city lights - so bright so pure
You better not be lying. I'm a kickboxer and I'm not afraid to bust out a can of whoopass.
Please call someone. I need help
I don't have a phone. I hate technology. I believe in body, mind and spirit as the key to unlocking our inner happiness.
I dropped my phone somewhere. You see it?
I found it. What's the password?
Throw it to me. I'll call.
I'm helping you and you don't trust me with your password?
(JULIANA throws the phone)
No! Oh! Hey!
Did I miss?
If you were aiming for the ocean then you were right on target.
(JULIANA lowers her stick to him)
Grab my walking stick. I will pull you up.
Are you strong enough?
That strong enough for you?
You work out or something?
All the time. My dream is to be an ultimate fighting champion.
So your body mind and spirit all combined to becoming the next UFC champ. I'm getting getting visions of power rangers now. I think I hit my head.
Blood. I can't handle.
You faint at the sight of blood! And you want to be a kickboxer?
Oh my leg... I hurt my leg... my head... pounding... throbbing... I can't see very well… getting dizzy now...
(He passes out on JULIANA. RHONDA returns)
You know what Phil? Maybe I was a little hard on you... you...
(RHONDA sees PHIL on top JULIANA)
What's this?! You're with another woman? I'm gone like 5 seconds and you replaced me?
(RHONDA kicks PHIL)
(She gets worried all the sudden and gasps)
Phil? Is that blood? Oh no - what am I going to do? I can't have anyone find me with another dead body. What should I do? I'll put them in his car and let it roll off the cliff... that will work... make it look like an accident. No one has to know.
(RHONDA tries to pick up JULIANA)
Oh, hi. How are you?
What's going on?
I rescued you.
That man was attacking you.
Yes, he's bad news.
What do we do with him?
Put him in the car and push it off the cliff.
What? No, I can't do that.
Are you nuts? We have to get him to a hospital.
You mean he's not dead?
You going to help?
I'd rather not… tah-tah.
Rhonda? Rhonda? Is that you?
Hey, are you Rhonda?
I am so sorry I disappointed you.
You should probably lie back down.
No, Rhonda. I have to tell you this. It's important.
You should really wait... Let's get you to your car.
Rhonda I never told you this but there's a reason I never gave up on you, there's a reason I kept trying to make this relationship work.
Up you go... over to the car.
I always felt like even though you were self centered and egotistical that if I could help you change.
So that was Rhonda.
I always wanted to help people. I was given everything I needed to be happy and so I wanted to help others with what I have. I thought I could help you. I wanted to make you a better person.
Your heart is in the right place but it's not really fair to force her to change. It's better to find someone who is right for you just the way they are. Forcing people to change to suit you is bad too. If you have to change them then they aren't a good match.
But I don't want to be alone forever.
You seem like your heart is on the right place... some day you'll find a woman who will appreciate that kind heart of yours.
So it's over, Rhonda?
Oh good because you're a real pain in the ass.
(JULIANA helps PHIL walk to his car)