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I saw it! A ghost! Upstairs! I did. It was floating around all spooky like. I think it touched me. I got all cold and shivery. I wanted to scream but when I opened my mouth all I could manage was a little squeak. I was frozen with fear. I thought it was gonna eat my brains or something. Oh, wait. That's zombies, ain't it? Well, it was gonna do whatever ghosts do to me. I could feel it doing something... something real creepy like. You wanna go see it? Or are you too scared? You ain't as brave as me.

(Looks down)

Hey! No, I did not! I spilled a drink on myself, okay? I am not a liar! You go up there and see for yourself. Up there is an honest to goodness, real scary, ghost. I may have lived to tell about it. Will you?!

END OF MONOLOGUE
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Please purchase a copy of the play "Losers in Love" by D. M. Larson from Amazon.com ISBN: 9781549653186 if you will be using the monologue in a competition or performance where admission is charged.

Or buy a low cost PDF of "Losers in Love" on Sellfy.com

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"THE PAPARAZZI FART" by D. M. Larson

from the play "Losers in Love" ISBN: 9781549653186
Copyright (c) 2017 All Rights Reserved

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Have you ever farted in front of a fan? I call it a paparazzi, because farting in front of a fan is like some terrible stalker that follows you and you can't escape.

The worst one I've ever done was my first. I had the ultimate silent but deadly gas bomb seep from me. I happened to be standing in front of a fan at the time. The results were glorious.

This ultimate gas passing experience was a mix of nerves and a bean burrito, one of those frozen burritos that are made from the cheapest mystery beans ever grown. I wanted to talk to my teacher about something personal and there was only a short time before the whole class would get back from gym. I snuck out early so I could talk to the teacher alone. It was a hot day in May and the teacher had a big fan pointed at the classroom to keep things cool. As I approached, I felt my stomach churn and deposit something painful into my bowels. I bent forward a bit and my teacher looked concerned. I started talking to hide the noise of the gas escaping out of me. At first I was thankful it was silent, but then I realized I was standing in front of the fan and the whole class walked in. The deadliest bottom sewage smell I ever produced oozed from me and filled the air. Students screamed and gasped. Chaos swarmed the room. I looked at the teacher who couldn't tell what was going on since he was on the other side of the fan. The class struggled into their desks with their noses pinched and mouths moaning.

I don't even remember what I wanted to talk to my teacher about, but I sure remember that fart. It was glorious.

END OF MONOLOGUE
***
Please purchase a copy of the play "Losers in Love" by D. M. Larson from Amazon.com ISBN: 9781549653186 if you will be using the monologue in a competition or performance where admission is charged.

Or buy a low cost PDF of "Losers in Love" on Sellfy.com

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FIND MORE HUMOROUS MONOLOGUES BELOW

Or narrow your search by going to
MALE COMEDY or FEMALE COMEDY

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"Funny Little Fussy Face" - Monologue - Female
monologue for female (emotions from sexy, flirty to pouty)

MINDY
You're so cute when you get mad. You get this funny little fussy face.

(She mocks his mad look)

I started liking you a few years ago.

There was this one meeting we were both at. You had just been promoted and you got up in front of everyone and did this big speech. And every time you looked at me, your eyes stopped on me a moment longer than everyone else. And you'd stumble on your words a little. Maybe it was that low cut shirt I was wearing that day?

Or maybe it was that really short skirt of mine and I was sitting like this. (She does a sexy sit, crossing her legs in a flirty way)

You're Stuttering. Too cute.

(She suddenly changes her attitude and grows cold, unhappy that she didn't turn him on)

It's not important.

Look... I didn't think it would work out. So I didn't say anything.

Never mind. Forget I Said anything okay?

END OF MONOLOGUE

From "Death of an Insurance Salesman" ISBN-13: 978-1518665547 or PDF

ACTING TIPS FOR HUMOROUS MONOLOGUES

New actors often ask how they can have more expression in their voices and avoid being monotone. The key is any good monologue performance is to show a variety of emotions.

When you go through a script, think of different emotions the character might be feeling.

Look at the monologue Protecto (Kid Hero). At first he is frustrated. Then he starts to get excited at "I love being a hero." Next he shows anger about a bully at school... "There's this kid at school..." Then he is playful when he talks about school lunch. Excitement builds again when talks about getting a catchphrase. But then at the end he is confused and having second thoughts. You'd want to reflect that in your voice and acting. Show each of those emotions for each part.

Next, look at each sentence. Pick out a word or two in each sentence that you'd want to put the most emphasis on. In the line "I've always dreamed of being a hero." You might pick "dreamed" or "hero" or both. Say these key words with more strength... say them a little more clearly or forcefully.

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"Blessing in Disguise" - Comedy monologue from the scene "Blinded by the Knight" - Female (1-2 minutes) - from "Between Good and Evil" ISBN-13: 978-1502982308

"Growing Up is Hard to Do" - Short Comedic Monologue for Male from the play "Between Good and Evil" - ISBN-13: 978-1502982308

"Master of FartZen" - Silly Comedic Monologue for Male from a published play "The Weird, Wild and Wonderful Days of School" ISBN-13: 978-1482739626

"Master" - Comedic Monologue from Published Script- Male (2-3 minutes)

"Pearls of Wisdom" Monologue-Woman
A play for mature actors (6-7 minutes)

"Dummy" - Monologue- Male

"Sleeping Spell" - Comedic Monologue for an Evil Character - Female (3 minutes)

"Goodbye Cruel World" - Comedic monologue for male or female adapted from the play "Gingerbread Girl"

"Symbol of the Revolution" - Comedy monologue for female adapted from the play "The Hysterical History of the American Revolution" (1-2 minutes)

From "Blondes Prefer Gentlemen" ISBN-13: 978-1985331877 or buy a low cost PDF

"The Sunday Gamble" by D. M. Larson

PARKER
Come on... Please. I'm begging you God. Give this to me and I will give you my all... I will dedicate myself to you. Scout's honor!

(Tries to figure out number of fingers for Scout salute)

I need this. I know I always pray that but this time I really do. I know it seems like I pray to you only when I really want something ... Or really worried about something. But that's what you're there for right? Like an exam in school or the flu. I know should talk to you when things are good. I know it's good to be thankful for good things too. I just forget. Forgive me? Forgive and forget? You forgive I forget. Just a little prayer humor. Sorry about that.

So how about it God? I really need this. I have never wanted anything so much in my life.

Please help my team to win on Sunday. I have a lot riding on this one. And if you give me this, I promise to be at church every Sunday... except this one. But every single Sunday after this. How is that for a deal?

END OF MONOLOGUE

"The Sunday Gamble" is a comedy monologue for a male From "Death of an Insurance Salesman" ISBN-13: 978-1518665547 or buy a PDF from the Freedrama store

"Death by Dollars" by D. M. Larson

Randy
Do you ever get winded putting on your shoes? That's me.. I do. I'm fatty McFat Fat. I got super sized at Mickey D's, crowned at BK and supremed at the Bell. I am the all American consumer, consumed by convenience.

I blame them... I do... They make it too easy... And cheap. That's me. Cheap and easy. I am a dollar menu fanatic. I will eat anything for a buck. That's my motto.

But is it death by dollars? I wonder if the dollar menus are killing me?

But who can afford to eat right? I went in to one of them healthy places once. The cheapest thing in there was a grilled cheese sandwich and they wanted ten dollars for it! Ten dollars for a grilled cheese! Maybe I could make super healthy pb and j's and sell them outside them ripoff restaurants...

(Calling out to invisible customers)

Gourmet super healthy pbj for five dollars! And that five dollars would get me a dollar menu feast.... Spicy chicken burger... fries... ice cold cola... and some pie. Dollar menu heaven. I'm getting kind of hungry. Gonna get me a spicy chicken sandwich while they last.

(Starts to rush but gets winded and grabs chest)

If yesterday's one dollar nuggets don't do me in on the way there.

END OF SCENE

"Death by Dollars" is a short comedic monologue for male from "My William Shatner Man Crush" ISBN-13: 978-1505910155

"Waiting on the Bride" Monologue - Male (2-3 minutes) from the play "Flowers in the Desert" ISBN-13: 978-1530169085

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