Ode to the Squished
by D. M. Larson
A grasshopper learned to speak.
So excited by his revelation
The grasshopper rushed off
To tell the first human
He could find
About his amazing discovery.
But when the first human
He did not see
The little grasshopper
Standing in the path
Waving his tiny arms...
And the careless human
Lost in his thoughts
Stepped on the poor little grasshopper.
And all he
Could manage to say to the human
END OF MONOLOGUE
MORE SCRIPTS FROM THE SAME PLAY (The Bullied, Bungled and Botched)
You know what? Teachers eat their young. We're supposed to be these people who care about others and help people and make the world a better place, but we treat each other like crap. Some of the meanest people I know are here. They gossip and nit pick - and they stab you in the back. I have been stabbed in the back so many times I'm feeling like Julius Caesar. What's the point? This isn't even a business. We don't even profit from what we're doing. There's no advantage to "beating the competition" - what do we get out of destroying each other? Nothing - we're not promoted, we don't see huge raises, the people who work harder just get more work. This system is bogus and broken. We put so much into these kids who come and go and never see again - but we put nothing into each other - we don't invest anything in the people we see day after day - year after year - the ones who should build us up just tear us down.
Teachers eat their young - that's why most of us don't last very long and why the ones who do stay are so burned out. We become empty shells, zombies that wander the halls and look for brains to educate. And sometimes I wonder if we even do that.
When I was a kid, we used to give out warm fuzzies. They were these little notes we’d write in school that had to be nice things we thought about each other. The teachers did it too. That was a much nicer time. Sure, I know nobody likes that touchy feely self-esteem stuff anymore… but I miss it. I miss the warm fuzzies and miss knowing that someone cared.
END OF MONOLOGUE
Look. I know this sounds stupid but you need to ban together. There’s safety in numbers. So we’re going to start a club.
(Responds to something one of the students says)
No, it’s not the losers club. The best way to stop being bullied and stop being victims is to find others like you and work together. You know, like watch out for each other. Bullies want to pick us off one by one but they avoid a group. They look for weak ones who stray from the herd and try to pick us off when we’re alone, but if we stay strong and stay together, we can survive this.
Come on people. You came to me because you had a problem. You are picked on. You are victims. And this my answer. All of you can work together and turn things around.
We’re going to be a club that helps others. We’ll be the helpers instead of the hurters. We’ll find ways we can make things better. We can pick up trash, do soup kitchens or help the homeless. We’ll volunteer to help others in need. We’ll go to elementary schools and read with kids. We’ll help little kids who are bullied and patrol the playgrounds. Whatever good we can do, we’ll do it.
Okay, okay. I’m getting carried away. We can’t do everything. But I think it’s important, not only to be here for each other, but to help other people too. So what do you say? Want to be in my club?
END OF MONOLOGUE
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"GUARDIANS OF THE WALLET" by D. M. Larson
An ambulance is coming for you now. And the policy will cover that ride so you're in luck.
(Ralph waves good-bye and watches person go)
He's lucky. Most people wait until it's too late. Last minute is always better than never. Sometimes I think I should set up my office in the lobby of the hospital emergency room. I could probably sign up half the room as they are waiting... what else are they going to do while they wait for help? Come on. What's the number one thing on their minds? They worry about how they'll pay for the hospital. That's where I come in. I kind of see myself as a hero... swooping in to save the day... can't pay your medical bill? Let me do it for you. I know no one sees an insurance salesman as a hero but we really are. You know how much that heart attack would have cost him without me? You know how much a car accident would cost without insurance? We're not the bad guys... we're your knight in shining armor, protecting you from going bankrupt. We are the guardians of the wallet. Don't let them suck you dry. Insurance will protect you... save you... rescue you... and that's what I wanted to always do with my life. Be a hero.
END OF MONOLOGUE
**** “The Cynical Professor” a monologue by D. M. Larson
Okay class. I know you hate classes that are required for your degree so I am going to try and make this as painless as possible.
Because you're taking a lot of loans, using a lot of credit and building up some serious debt to be here, I don't want this class to be any more difficult than it needs to be. I mean you are going to be paying off these loans for the next 20 or 30 years. It's like you're taking out a mortgage and buying a house. And who can afford a house mortgage anymore when you have all these loans, credit and debts piling up just so you can get a degree in Egyptology or Greek mythology?
That brings me to lesson number one in your Freshman Orientation class. You want to make all your loans worthwhile? You want to be able to pay off your credit card debt when you graduate? Then become a lawyer.
Come on... What's with the moans and growns? Being an attorney can be great. Are you a tree hugger and love the Earth? Be an environmental lawyer. Are you into women's rights? There's a attorney for that. Want to help people who are defaulting on their mortgage and losing their homes or being crushed by credit card debt? There are lawyers for that too. Lawyers make a difference. Lawyers change things. Call an attorney if you want to get things done.
Law not for you? You could play the stock market and do some day trading. Or you could be a software designer. Maybe be an engineer and figure out new ways to get us the limitless electricity that we demand or come up with alternate fuels so we no longer need gas in our cars. You can still help the world without picking a degree that will drown you in debt that you can never pay back.
If you want to study a dead language or some mythological beast, go hang out in the library or watch the History Channel, but don't run up thousands of dollars in loans to study something that won't pay the bills. A Egyptologist is not going to change the world, but an attorney just might have the power to right some wrong.
Gandhi was a lawyer. So was Abraham Lincoln. And Nelson Mandela. These are great people that left their mark on history and transformed nations. I'm not telling you to transfer out of your history classes. History has wonderful lessons for us. I'm telling you not to major in it. Learn from history but then USE what you learned. Go out there and change things. And who better to change things than someone who understands how the system works than a lawyer.
Those of you that agree with me will go declare their majors - pre-law, engineering or economics. Those of you that don't, head on over to the library and write me a 10,000 word report on why your major is so awesome and a plan how you are going to pay off all that debt.
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