(ACT I takes place in the living room of an apartment. It's
definitely the bachelor pad of a group of nerdy guys)
SCENE 1 - Death by Dollars monologue
Do you ever get winded putting on your shoes? That's me... I
do. I'm fatty McFat Fat. I got super sized at Mickey D's, crowned at BK and
supremed at the Bell. I am the all American consumer, consumed by convenience.
I blame them... I do... They make it too easy... And cheap.
That's me. Cheap and easy. I am a dollar menu fanatic. I will eat anything for
a buck. That's my motto.
But is it death by dollars? I wonder if the dollar menus are
But who can afford to eat right? I went in to one of them
healthy places once. The cheapest thing in there was a grilled cheese sandwich
and they wanted $5 for it! $5 for a grilled cheese!
Maybe I could make super healthy pb and j's and sell them
outside them ripoff restaurants...
(Calling out to invisible customers)
Gourmet super healthy pbj for $4!
And that $4 would get me a dollar menu feast.... Spicy
chicken burger... fries... ice cold cola... and some pie. Dollar menu heaven.
I'm getting kind of hungry. Gonna get me a spicy chicken
sandwich while they last.
(Starts to rush but gets winded and grabs chest)
If yesterday's $1 nuggets don't do me in on the way there.
END OF SCENE
I wonder how long you have to work at KFC to become a colonel?
Uh... you have to avoid any Major Messups?
Yeah... and enjoy corporal punishment?
And be a Captain of Industry.
How goes the job hunting?
Hey! They need someone to dress up as a vegetable for a kid
You know how to be a vegetable.
I thought you weren't allowed near children.
What I really want to do is be one of those knights at that
dinner show where they do jousting and such. That would be awesome.
You with sharp pointy things? Is that wise?
Or a personal assistant for some famous actor.
I think your past history of stalking celebrities might be a
I wonder if William Shatner is hiring.
That guy is awesome. I think he's immortal or something. I
don't think he's aged since the 80's. I can figure out his secret and
write a book about it or something.
Have you ever written anything in your life? I thought
you always copied your reports in school.
I'm good at copying. Xerox is hiring.
I'm not sure that's the kind of copying they specialize in.
Maybe you should go back to school.
I thought the principal said I couldn't come back... ever.
No... I mean college.
I heard Harvard was good.
Um... maybe something a bit more... local... like a community
I'm tired of school. I did the 8th grade like 10
times. I'm so done with that.
(Randy finds something on his computer)
Look! Work from home. Be your own boss.
This is perfect! Where's my phone?
That's a scam, Randy.
It says right here at the end. This is not a scam. I'm
calling. 1-900... I hate when they do words instead of numbers.
Got it. It's ringing. Hello? Yeah, I want
to do a home business and be my own boss. What? A book? How
much? No thanks... I don't read.
At least he's honest.
I can read... I just don't like to.
So we need to find you a job that doesn't involve reading and
that you can do from home.
A professional TV watcher?
Yeah! They have that?
Way to get my hopes up.
We have to find you something. Rent is due...
His rent has been due for a few months now.
But he's working so hard with all the chores he has been
What chores was I supposed to do again?
All of them.
His lips say yes, but his butt says no.
Hey! Maybe I could do one of them fast food diets like Jared
and the sandwiches... I'll do an all taco diet or something and then I can be
in commercials and such.
I don't think you'll lose weight eating tacos all the time.
I have to lose weight?
I'm thinking he didn't get the point of the whole Jared diet
Why is everything so hard?
Because you aren't able to live in your mom's basement like
most guys in your situation.
Hmm... how do I say this nicely?
How do you tell someone they are a lazy bum without hurting
Are you guys talking about me again?
Fine. You know what. I'm going to prove to you that I'm not
lazy or a bum or a... no chore doer... don't-er or whatever. I'm gonna go out
there and make something of myself.
(RANDY exits. FRANK and TONY go to the window)
What's he doing?
When is the last time he went outside? I think
the sun blinded him. He's waiting for his eyes to adjust.
Does he even have a clue what he's doing out there?
I would bet money he forgot already.
No... he's going... he took a few steps.
This is amazing... I'm getting all choked up. Our
little boy is finally leaving the nest and going out in to the world all on his
Nope... he's coming back.
I forgot some stuff.
Like a resume?
My pro-wrestling mask.
El Taco Feo lives!
(He puts on his wrestling mask and exits to fake cheering
that he produces)
Off to tackle the world.
Or at least put it in a strangle hold.
SCENE 3 - A thing for nerds
I've always had a thing for nerds. All kinds ... Geeky,
Weirdo, Freak, Techie, Trekkie or Dork... you name it... I want to catch them
all.. Sorry for the Pokemon reference... I am a bit of a nerd myself. Girl
nerds are rare but we do exist.
I hung out with nerd-lings as a kid. We played Dungeons and
Dragons and I loved being dungeon master ...holding their fates in my hands. It
doesn't matter how pretty you are, just the fact you're female and like
something nerdy makes you very attractive to them. Other kinds of guys could
care less about me... But to nerds... I was hot.
The more I hung out with boy nerds, the more I realized the
power girls have over them... There's nothing they want more than First Contact
with the female of their species.
But with great power comes great responsibility and I tried
not to take advantage... Much.
And the best thing about nerds is that they give you their
full attention. Pretty boys are too worried about their looks and compete for
the fairest of them all... With pretty boys there is always a fight for the
With tough guys and jocks... They always want praise or worship. It's all about
them and they turn romance into a competition ... (Does body builder
impression) Who is the lucky girl who gets me today?
Nerds are the kindest kind of guy. They have the best
hearts... If you get past the over drawn comic book heroines and the overly
aggressive Sci Fi babes... They really care about you and who you are.
You get a nerdy guy's full attention. The rest of the world
slips away and you're his entire universe, because no Death Star, Tardis or
warp drive is more exciting than a girl who gives him the time of day. That's
why I like these guys... I feel special... important... and not alone anymore.
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