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My William Shatner Man Crush (aka A Thing for Nerds) by D. M. Larson


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3 males and 4 females with optional extras

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(ACT I takes place in the living room of an apartment. It's definitely the bachelor pad of a group of nerdy guys)



SCENE 1 - Death by Dollars monologue

Randy

Do you ever get winded putting on your shoes? That's me... I do. I'm fatty McFat Fat. I got super sized at Mickey D's, crowned at BK and supremed at the Bell. I am the all American consumer, consumed by convenience.

I blame them... I do... They make it too easy... And cheap. That's me. Cheap and easy. I am a dollar menu fanatic. I will eat anything for a buck. That's my motto.

But is it death by dollars? I wonder if the dollar menus are killing me?

But who can afford to eat right? I went in to one of them healthy places once. The cheapest thing in there was a grilled cheese sandwich and they wanted $5 for it! $5 for a grilled cheese!

Maybe I could make super healthy pb and j's and sell them outside them ripoff restaurants...

(Calling out to invisible customers)

Gourmet super healthy pbj for $4!

And that $4 would get me a dollar menu feast.... Spicy chicken burger... fries... ice cold cola... and some pie. Dollar menu heaven.

I'm getting kind of hungry. Gonna get me a spicy chicken sandwich while they last.

(Starts to rush but gets winded and grabs chest)

If yesterday's $1 nuggets don't do me in on the way there.

END OF SCENE


Scene 2

RANDY

I wonder how long you have to work at KFC to become a colonel?

TONY

Uh... you have to avoid any Major Messups?

RANDY

Yeah... and enjoy corporal punishment?

TONY

And be a Captain of Industry.

FRANK

How goes the job hunting?

RANDY

Hey! They need someone to dress up as a vegetable for a kid show.

FRANK

You know how to be a vegetable.

TONY

I thought you weren't allowed near children.

RANDY

What I really want to do is be one of those knights at that dinner show where they do jousting and such.  That would be awesome.

FRANK

You with sharp pointy things?  Is that wise?

RANDY

Or a personal assistant for some famous actor.

FRANK

I think your past history of stalking celebrities might be a problem.

RANDY

I wonder if William Shatner is hiring.

TONY

Captain Kirk?

RANDY

That guy is awesome. I think he's immortal or something. I don't think he's aged since the 80's.  I can figure out his secret and write a book about it or something.

TONY

Or something.

FRANK

Have you ever written anything in your life?  I thought you always copied your reports in school.

RANDY

I'm good at copying.  Xerox is hiring.

TONY

I'm not sure that's the kind of copying they specialize in.

FRANK

Maybe you should go back to school.

RANDY

I thought the principal said I couldn't come back... ever.

FRANK

No... I mean college.

RANDY

I heard Harvard was good.

TONY

Um... maybe something a bit more... local... like a community college.

RANDY

I'm tired of school.  I did the 8th grade like 10 times.  I'm so done with that.

(Randy finds something on his computer)

RANDY (CONT.)

Look!  Work from home.  Be your own boss.  This is perfect!  Where's my phone?

FRANK

That's a scam, Randy.

RANDY

It says right here at the end. This is not a scam. I'm calling. 1-900... I hate when they do words instead of numbers.

TONY

1-900-trick me?

FRANK

Really?

RANDY

Got it.  It's ringing.  Hello?  Yeah, I want to do a home business and be my own boss.  What?  A book?  How much?  No thanks... I don't read.

TONY

At least he's honest.

RANDY

I can read... I just don't like to.

FRANK

So we need to find you a job that doesn't involve reading and that you can do from home.

TONY

A professional TV watcher?

RANDY

Yeah!  They have that?

TONY

No.

RANDY

Way to get my hopes up.

FRANK

We have to find you something. Rent is due...

TONY

His rent has been due for a few months now.

FRANK

But he's working so hard with all the chores he has been doing.

RANDY

What chores was I supposed to do again?

TONY

All of them.

RANDY

Yes, master.

FRANK

His lips say yes, but his butt says no.

RANDY

Hey! Maybe I could do one of them fast food diets like Jared and the sandwiches... I'll do an all taco diet or something and then I can be in commercials and such.

TONY

I don't think you'll lose weight eating tacos all the time.

RANDY

I have to lose weight?

FRANK

I'm thinking he didn't get the point of the whole Jared diet plan.

RANDY

Why is everything so hard?

TONY

Because you aren't able to live in your mom's basement like most guys in your situation.

RANDY

What situation?

TONY

Hmm... how do I say this nicely?

FRANK

How do you tell someone they are a lazy bum without hurting their feelings?

RANDY

Are you guys talking about me again?

TONY

Maybe.

FRANK

Yes.

RANDY

Fine. You know what. I'm going to prove to you that I'm not lazy or a bum or a... no chore doer... don't-er or whatever. I'm gonna go out there and make something of myself.

(RANDY exits.  FRANK and TONY go to the window)

TONY

What's he doing?

FRANK

When is the last time he went outside?  I think the sun blinded him.  He's waiting for his eyes to adjust.

TONY

Does he even have a clue what he's doing out there?

FRANK

I would bet money he forgot already.

TONY

No... he's going... he took a few steps.

FRANK

This is amazing... I'm getting all choked up.  Our little boy is finally leaving the nest and going out in to the world all on his own.

Tony

Nope... he's coming back.

(RANDY returns)

RANDY

I forgot some stuff.

FRANK

Like a resume?

TONY

A plan?

Randy

My pro-wrestling mask.

FRANK

Of course.

TONY

Oh dear.

RANDY

El Taco Feo lives!

(He puts on his wrestling mask and exits to fake cheering that he produces)

FRANK

Off to tackle the world.

TONY

Or at least put it in a strangle hold.

SCENE 3 - A thing for nerds

JENNY

I've always had a thing for nerds. All kinds ... Geeky, Weirdo, Freak, Techie, Trekkie or Dork... you name it... I want to catch them all.. Sorry for the Pokemon reference... I am a bit of a nerd myself. Girl nerds are rare but we do exist.

I hung out with nerd-lings as a kid. We played Dungeons and Dragons and I loved being dungeon master ...holding their fates in my hands. It doesn't matter how pretty you are, just the fact you're female and like something nerdy makes you very attractive to them. Other kinds of guys could care less about me... But to nerds... I was hot.

The more I hung out with boy nerds, the more I realized the power girls have over them... There's nothing they want more than First Contact with the female of their species.

But with great power comes great responsibility and I tried not to take advantage... Much.

And the best thing about nerds is that they give you their full attention. Pretty boys are too worried about their looks and compete for the fairest of them all... With pretty boys there is always a fight for the mirror. With tough guys and jocks... They always want praise or worship. It's all about them and they turn romance into a competition ... (Does body builder impression) Who is the lucky girl who gets me today?

Nerds are the kindest kind of guy. They have the best hearts... If you get past the over drawn comic book heroines and the overly aggressive Sci Fi babes... They really care about you and who you are.

You get a nerdy guy's full attention. The rest of the world slips away and you're his entire universe, because no Death Star, Tardis or warp drive is more exciting than a girl who gives him the time of day. That's why I like these guys... I feel special... important... and not alone anymore.

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William Shatner and D. M. Larson at 2015 Albuquerque Comic Con

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