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My William Shatner Man Crush (aka A Thing for Nerds) by D. M. Larson

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(ACT I takes place in the living room of an apartment. It's definitely the bachelor pad of a group of nerdy guys)

SCENE 1 - Death by Dollars monologue


Do you ever get winded putting on your shoes? That's me... I do. I'm fatty McFat Fat. I got super sized at Mickey D's, crowned at BK and supremed at the Bell. I am the all American consumer, consumed by convenience.

I blame them... I do... They make it too easy... And cheap. That's me. Cheap and easy. I am a dollar menu fanatic. I will eat anything for a buck. That's my motto.

But is it death by dollars? I wonder if the dollar menus are killing me?

But who can afford to eat right? I went in to one of them healthy places once. The cheapest thing in there was a grilled cheese sandwich and they wanted $5 for it! $5 for a grilled cheese!

Maybe I could make super healthy pb and j's and sell them outside them ripoff restaurants...

(Calling out to invisible customers)

Gourmet super healthy pbj for $4!

And that $4 would get me a dollar menu feast.... Spicy chicken burger... fries... ice cold cola... and some pie. Dollar menu heaven.

I'm getting kind of hungry. Gonna get me a spicy chicken sandwich while they last.

(Starts to rush but gets winded and grabs chest)

If yesterday's $1 nuggets don't do me in on the way there.


Scene 2


I wonder how long you have to work at KFC to become a colonel?


Uh... you have to avoid any Major Messups?


Yeah... and enjoy corporal punishment?


And be a Captain of Industry.


How goes the job hunting?


Hey! They need someone to dress up as a vegetable for a kid show.


You know how to be a vegetable.


I thought you weren't allowed near children.


What I really want to do is be one of those knights at that dinner show where they do jousting and such.  That would be awesome.


You with sharp pointy things?  Is that wise?


Or a personal assistant for some famous actor.


I think your past history of stalking celebrities might be a problem.


I wonder if William Shatner is hiring.


Captain Kirk?


That guy is awesome. I think he's immortal or something. I don't think he's aged since the 80's.  I can figure out his secret and write a book about it or something.


Or something.


Have you ever written anything in your life?  I thought you always copied your reports in school.


I'm good at copying.  Xerox is hiring.


I'm not sure that's the kind of copying they specialize in.


Maybe you should go back to school.


I thought the principal said I couldn't come back... ever.


No... I mean college.


I heard Harvard was good.


Um... maybe something a bit more... local... like a community college.


I'm tired of school.  I did the 8th grade like 10 times.  I'm so done with that.

(Randy finds something on his computer)


Look!  Work from home.  Be your own boss.  This is perfect!  Where's my phone?


That's a scam, Randy.


It says right here at the end. This is not a scam. I'm calling. 1-900... I hate when they do words instead of numbers.


1-900-trick me?




Got it.  It's ringing.  Hello?  Yeah, I want to do a home business and be my own boss.  What?  A book?  How much?  No thanks... I don't read.


At least he's honest.


I can read... I just don't like to.


So we need to find you a job that doesn't involve reading and that you can do from home.


A professional TV watcher?


Yeah!  They have that?




Way to get my hopes up.


We have to find you something. Rent is due...


His rent has been due for a few months now.


But he's working so hard with all the chores he has been doing.


What chores was I supposed to do again?


All of them.


Yes, master.


His lips say yes, but his butt says no.


Hey! Maybe I could do one of them fast food diets like Jared and the sandwiches... I'll do an all taco diet or something and then I can be in commercials and such.


I don't think you'll lose weight eating tacos all the time.


I have to lose weight?


I'm thinking he didn't get the point of the whole Jared diet plan.


Why is everything so hard?


Because you aren't able to live in your mom's basement like most guys in your situation.


What situation?


Hmm... how do I say this nicely?


How do you tell someone they are a lazy bum without hurting their feelings?


Are you guys talking about me again?






Fine. You know what. I'm going to prove to you that I'm not lazy or a bum or a... no chore doer... don't-er or whatever. I'm gonna go out there and make something of myself.

(RANDY exits.  FRANK and TONY go to the window)


What's he doing?


When is the last time he went outside?  I think the sun blinded him.  He's waiting for his eyes to adjust.


Does he even have a clue what he's doing out there?


I would bet money he forgot already.


No... he's going... he took a few steps.


This is amazing... I'm getting all choked up.  Our little boy is finally leaving the nest and going out in to the world all on his own.


Nope... he's coming back.

(RANDY returns)


I forgot some stuff.


Like a resume?


A plan?


My pro-wrestling mask.


Of course.


Oh dear.


El Taco Feo lives!

(He puts on his wrestling mask and exits to fake cheering that he produces)


Off to tackle the world.


Or at least put it in a strangle hold.

SCENE 3 - A thing for nerds


I've always had a thing for nerds. All kinds ... Geeky, Weirdo, Freak, Techie, Trekkie or Dork... you name it... I want to catch them all.. Sorry for the Pokemon reference... I am a bit of a nerd myself. Girl nerds are rare but we do exist.

I hung out with nerd-lings as a kid. We played Dungeons and Dragons and I loved being dungeon master ...holding their fates in my hands. It doesn't matter how pretty you are, just the fact you're female and like something nerdy makes you very attractive to them. Other kinds of guys could care less about me... But to nerds... I was hot.

The more I hung out with boy nerds, the more I realized the power girls have over them... There's nothing they want more than First Contact with the female of their species.

But with great power comes great responsibility and I tried not to take advantage... Much.

And the best thing about nerds is that they give you their full attention. Pretty boys are too worried about their looks and compete for the fairest of them all... With pretty boys there is always a fight for the mirror. With tough guys and jocks... They always want praise or worship. It's all about them and they turn romance into a competition ... (Does body builder impression) Who is the lucky girl who gets me today?

Nerds are the kindest kind of guy. They have the best hearts... If you get past the over drawn comic book heroines and the overly aggressive Sci Fi babes... They really care about you and who you are.

You get a nerdy guy's full attention. The rest of the world slips away and you're his entire universe, because no Death Star, Tardis or warp drive is more exciting than a girl who gives him the time of day. That's why I like these guys... I feel special... important... and not alone anymore.


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William Shatner and D. M. Larson at 2015 Albuquerque Comic Con

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Featured Monologue from the Play “Death of an Insurance Salesman”



An ambulance is coming for you now.  And the policy will cover that ride so you're in luck.

(Ralph waves good-bye and watches person go)

He's lucky.  Most people wait until it's too late. Last minute is always better than never. Sometimes I think I should set up my office in the lobby of the hospital emergency room. I could probably sign up half the room as they are waiting... what else are they going to do while they wait for help?  Come on.  What's the number one thing on their minds?  They worry about how they'll pay for the hospital.  That's where I come in.  I kind of see myself as a hero... swooping in to save the day... can't pay your medical bill?  Let me do it for you.  I know no one sees an insurance salesman as a hero but we really are.  You know how much that heart attack would have cost him without me?  You know how much a car accident would cost without insurance?  We're not the bad guys... we're your knight in shining armor, protecting you from going bankrupt.  We are the guardians of the wallet.  Don't let them suck you dry.  Insurance will protect you... save you... rescue you... and that's what I wanted to always do with my life.  Be a hero.


**** “The Cynical Professor” a monologue by D. M. Larson

Okay class. I know you hate classes that are required for your degree so I am going to try and make this as painless as possible.

Because you're taking a lot of loans, using a lot of credit and building up some serious debt to be here, I don't want this class to be any more difficult than it needs to be. I mean you are going to be paying off these loans for the next 20 or 30 years. It's like you're taking out a mortgage and buying a house. And who can afford a house mortgage anymore when you have all these loans, credit and debts piling up just so you can get a degree in Egyptology or Greek mythology?

That brings me to lesson number one in your Freshman Orientation class. You want to make all your loans worthwhile? You want to be able to pay off your credit card debt when you graduate? Then become a lawyer.

Come on... What's with the moans and growns? Being an attorney can be great. Are you a tree hugger and love the Earth? Be an environmental lawyer. Are you into women's rights? There's a attorney for that. Want to help people who are defaulting on their mortgage and losing their homes or being crushed by credit card debt? There are lawyers for that too. Lawyers make a difference. Lawyers change things. Call an attorney if you want to get things done.

Law not for you? You could play the stock market and do some day trading. Or you could be a software designer.  Maybe be an engineer and figure out new ways to get us the limitless electricity that we demand or come up with alternate fuels so we no longer need gas in our cars. You can still help the world without picking a degree that will drown you in debt that you can never pay back.

If you want to study a dead language or some mythological beast, go hang out in the library or watch the History Channel, but don't run up thousands of dollars in loans to study something that won't pay the bills. A Egyptologist is not going to change the world, but an attorney just might have the power to right some wrong.

Gandhi was a lawyer. So was Abraham Lincoln.  And Nelson Mandela. These are great people that left their mark on history and transformed nations. I'm not telling you to transfer out of your history classes. History has wonderful lessons for us. I'm telling you not to major in it. Learn from history but then USE what you learned. Go out there and change things. And who better to change things than someone who understands how the system works than a lawyer.

Those of you that agree with me will go declare their majors - pre-law, engineering or economics. Those of you that don't, head on over to the library and write me a 10,000 word report on why your major is so awesome and a plan how you are going to pay off all that debt.

Class dismissed.

End of Monologue ****


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