THE THREE MARAUDERS
By D. M. Larson
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(8 actors of any gender)
(Scene takes place in the hold of a ship, below the main deck, where the cargo is kept. GOONS gather laughing and joking at the expense of a young person, DART. DART is dressed in nice clothes which are in sharp contrast to the rags worn by the GOONS who look like unbathed pirates. The cargo in the hold includes crates and barrels full goods such as fruit, veggies and fresh water)
GOONS: (singing) Yo ho, yo ho… a pirate’s life for me.* [Extend script by adding at least one pirate song]
DART: You better let me go! My father is governor of this territory!
GREEB: We know. That’s why we kidnapped you.
DART: What are you going to do with me?
GIL: Ransome you… for money!
DART: My father will never pay.
GABBY: Too late. He already did.
DART: Then I will go free.
(GREEB punches GOOBER)
GREEB: Maybe not.
GIL: Depends if your daddy dear does any dastardly deeds.
DART: What does that mean?
GABBY: That means he don’t pull no tricks or funny business.
DART: And if he does?
GOOBER: Then you’ll never see the light of day again!
DART: You’ll never get away with this.
GREEB: We already have.
DART: My father will hire the greatest fighters in the land to stop you. You’ll never escape.
GIL: Greatest fighters?
GABBY: Who would that be?
DART: The Three Marauders!
GOOBER: Oh dear. I’ve actually heard of them.
GREEB: What are you talking about?
GOOBER: Remember when all the greatest pirates of all time teamed up and formed a supergroup?
GIL: The Barbarossa Brothers....
GABBY: Henry Morgan…
GIL: Captain Kidd…
GIL: Calico Jack…
GOOBER: Ay! They were going to rule the 7 seas… and you know who stopped them? The Three Marauders!
DART: Those are the ones. And my father knows them. He’ll send them. I know it.
GIL: Is that going to be a problem?
GREEB: Never! We’re the meanest…
GREEB: Pirates that ever sailed the seven seas.
DART: I highly doubt that.
GIL: I’ll show you rough and tough.
(GIL goes after DART)
GABBY: Cool it, you knit-wit. We don’t want damaged goods.
GOOBER: Trust me… if they really do know the Three Marauders… we’ll want to be careful.
DART: Very careful.
(GIL catches DART)
GIL: Please… just a little torture… it won’t hurt… too much.
GABBY: No torture.
GREEB: This isn’t fun anymore.
DART: Is that why you kidnapped me? Just for fun.
GREEB: That’s why I did it.
GABBY: I did it for the money.
GIL: I did it for the fame.
GOOBER: I can’t remember why I did it.
DART: Well, none of you will see any of that come true. Because once the Three Marauders come for me… you’re done for.
GREEB: Three you say? Well, there’s four of us. We’ve got them outnumbered.
GIL: Good point.
DART: But they are the greatest fighters in all the land.
GOOBER: I’ve heard that too. They’re scary.
GIL: Imagine the fame we’d achieve if we defeated them.
GABBY: And the fortunes we could extort if we were the fiercest fighters in the land.
GREEB: Oh, what fun we’d have fighting them… and beating them.
DART: It won’t happen. I’ve seen the three of them take on whole armies and win.
GOOBER: I’ve heard that too.
GREEB: Whose side are you on?
GOOBER: Can I switch sides?
GIL, GREEB, GABBY: No!
GOOBER: Too bad.
(Sounds of thuds and running on the deck above them)
GIL: What was that?
GOOBER: Maybe it’s the random money?
GREEB: This isn’t the dropoff point. We didn’t tell them where to find our ship.
DART: That sounds like three sets of footsteps.
GOOBER: Don’t say that!
GIL: You’re just trying to scare us.
DART: Is it working?
GIL, GREEB, GABBY: No!
(GOONS gets their swords ready and shove DART back. DART sneaks around them to get closer to the MARAUDERS)
GOOBER: Don’t open the door.
GIL: Really? You think I would open the door and let them in.
GREEB: But we’re trapped in here if we don’t.
GABBY: We have to fight.
GOOBER: Good… because I don’t think I locked the hatch behind us.
GOOBER: I can’t believe you won’t let me switch sides.
GREEB: Be ready!
(They look at GOOBER)
GOOBER: Oh… uh… ready.
DART: It’s them! The Three Marauders!
(The Three Marauders: MARIAS, TAOS, ROS burst into the room dramatically. GOONS scatter. DART runs and hides behind the MARAUDERS)
GABBY: Did you bring the ransom money?
MARIAS: We only brought our swords.
GIL: Then you won’t get the kid.
ROS: Too late. We already have Dart.
GREEB: You were supposed to watch the brat!
GOOBER: I thought you said you would.
TAOS: So we will be going now.
GABBY: You’re not going anywhere.
GIL: We’ve got you outnumbered.
DART: No you don’t. It’s four against four.
GOOBER: How did that happen?
DART: Give me a sword.
GOOBER: I’ve got an extra in back I think.
GREEB: No! Never!
DART: Then I will fight with my bare hands.
GABBY: Against our swords?
GIL: What a fool.
MARIAS: Take my sword, Dart. I will fight with my hands.
GREEB: Easy target, easily defeated.
(GREEB charges with a sword. MARIAS dodges and grabs GREEB in a headlock. They exit struggling)
GIL: Get them!
(GIL and GABBY cross swords with TAOS and ROS. DART does a battle cry and chases GOOBER who immediately runs away)
GABBY: Never retreat!
GIL: Never surrender!
(GOOBER runs past and exits with DART in pursuit, still yelling a crazy battle cry. TAOS and ROS knock the swords out of GIL and GABBY’s hands. MARIAS makes GREEB drop sword with stranglehold)
ROS: Never surrender you say?
GIL: No, but perhaps we can retreat.
(GIL, GREEB and GABBY run and exit. DART returns)
DART: We did it!
(MARIAS retrieves sword from DART)
MARIAS: Well done.
TAOS: A battle cry worthy of a warrior.
DART: I never got to use the sword though.
ROS: Are you good?
DART: I don’t know. I wanted to find out.
(ROS and TAOS laugh)
MARIAS: We must be going. Your father anxiously awaits your return.
(DART moves away and grabs a discarded GOON sword)
DART: No, wait. I don’t want to go.
MARIAS: We don’t have time for this.
(MARIAS quickly disarms DART)
DART: Please! I want to be a Marauder.
ROS: You wish to be one of us?
DART: I do!
TAOS: And give up a life of luxury?
DART: That’s exactly why… I hate my life. It’s boring. I want excitement and adventure.
ROS: Then you should have signed up with Goons here. They could give you that.
DART: But I believe in honor and justice like you.
TAOS: Honor and justice? Is that what people say about us now?
ROS: I wonder what made people think that?
TAOS: We’re just hired swords, kid. There’s no code of honor or quest for justice driving us.
ROS: Just a handsome payday.
MARIAS: Which we won’t get if we don’t get moving. We don’t have time for this. We must hurry.
DART: No! I won’t go until you promise to make me a Marauder!
(Sound of a hatch to the hold is heard being locked. GOONS can be off stage or in the audience)
GREEB (off): We got you!
GIL (off): You’re locked in!
GABBY (off): Good luck getting out of this one, Marauders!
MARIAS: Your childishness delayed us and got us trapped.
DART: I’m sorry.
GREEB (off): We’ll take you out to sea!
GIL (off): And make you walk the plank!
(ROS goes to exit and yells)
ROS: That’s okay. It looks like we have all your food and fresh water down here. We’ll be good for awhile.
TAOS: I hope you have some supplies up there?
GOOBER (off): Do we have anything? (Pause) Oh, no.
ROS: Look at all the delicious food you have on here. What shall we eat first?
GOOBER (off): Open the door! They’re eating our food!
GIL, GREEB, GABBY (off): No!
ROS: Fresh fruit! This is a treat.
(ROS finds apples or carrots - something noisy when bitten. Takes a loud bite)
GOOBER (off): Not the fresh fruits and veggies. Anything but that.
(TAOS joins ROS in the crunching)
DART: I didn’t mean to get us trapped.
MARIAS: Well, if you really want to be a Marauder, then figure a way out of this.
MARIAS: Being a Marauder is more than sword fights and rescuing damsels in distress.
DART: I’m not a damsel in distress.
MARIAS: Then prove it to us. Show us that you can use your brains. Anyone can pick up a sword and learn to fight. The dumbest of the dumb can still be taught to use brute force. But we do so much more than battle. Only a smart and clever person can be a part of the Marauders.
(ROS nudges TAOS)
ROS: Then how did you get to be one?
(TAOS punches ROS)
TAOS: Very funny.
MARIAS: That’s why there are only three of us. There are so few smart and clever ones out there.
ROS: And I barely made it in.
MARIAS: So find us a way out of this… find a way out of the belly of a ship with no windows and one locked hatch.
DART: And if I do, you’ll make me a Marauder?
MARIAS: No, I will merely consider you a potential candidate.
DART: That’s good enough for me.
MARIAS: Then get to work.
(MARIAS joins others for some fruit as DART paces around. MARIAS bites into Apple loudly)
GOOBER (off): I heard that!
(DART walks around and thinks, then spots a cannon ball)
DART: What if we use a cannon and blast our way out of here?
TAOS: Shoot a hold in the ship?
ROS: What happens when you shoot a hole in a ship?
TAOS: Nothing good I’m afraid.
DART: We could shoot up.
ROS: But then the cannon ball comes down again.
TAOS: And sinks the ship that way too.
MARIAS: No cannon balls. Try again.
DART: But if we sink the ship, we can swim to safety.
TAOS: Or drown.
ROS: Are you a good swimmer?
DART: Um… not really.
MARIAS: Next idea.
(DART walks around some more looking at what is in the room)
DART: We could set a fire and then they’d have to open the hatch to put it out.
TAOS: And the smoke gets to us before they do.
ROS: A fire on a ship doesn’t sound very wise.
MARIAS: Next idea.
(DART wanders a bit again)
DART: What if we surrender and then when they come down to get us, we lock them down here instead.
TAOS: That idea shows a little promise.
ROS: We could try.
DART: Okay! Hey! We surrender!
(GOONS are offstage or appear in audience)
GREEB: (off) Okay, give us all your swords…
GOOBER: (off) And the fruits and veggies.
GIL: (off) Put the swords out where we can see them.
GABBY: (off) No tricks.
(GOOBER peaks in)
GOOBER: They’re not doing it. They’re just a bunch of lying Lou-roders.
GREEB: (off) Lying what?
(DART jumps at GOOBER who yelps and runs)
GABBY: (off) Get back out here and lock the door.
(DART looks at TAOS and ROS)
DART: What do I say?
MARIAS: Never mind. We’ve changed our minds. We found something worth keeping down here.
(MARIAS nods at TAOS and ROS who help gather together a huge piece of cloth, like part of a sail, tarp or a really big blanket)
GREEB: (off) What did you find?
MARIAS: I seem to have found someone’s treasure.
GIL: (off) What treasure?
(MARIAS is pretending to look through a treasure chest)
MARIAS: Wow, this is pretty amazing stuff in this treasure chest.
GABBY: (off) Who put the treasure down there?
GOOBER: (off) Don’t look at me.
MARIAS: Well, the treasure is mine now.
GREEB: (off) Never!
(GREEB fiddles with lock on latch to hatch and rushes down followed by GIL, GABBY and GOOBER)
GIL: Show us that treasure.
TAOS: No way!
ROS: It’s ours!
GABBY: But it’s on our ship. It belongs to us!
(MARIAS points to sail/tarp/blanket)
GREEB: Show us now or pay the price.
MARIAS: We’ll never win this one. We better show them. It’s under this.
(GOONS rush over, but MARIAS, TAOS and ROS throw sail/tarp/blanket over GOONS and tie them up inside)
GOONS: Hey, let us out!
(MARIAS raises a sword)* [Possible audience participation - have audience vote on the Marauder’s catchphrase, i.e. All for One, One for All - Never Give Up, Never Surrender - if the audience takes too long, then the GOONS can say things like “Hurry up!” “Come on!”]
MARIAS: All for one!
(TAOS, ROS and DART raise swords)
TAOS, ROS and DART: And one for all!
MARIAS: Let’s turn this ship around and contact the governor about a job well done.
TAOS and ROS: Huzzah!
(MARIAS, TAOS, ROS and DART exit. GOONS struggle out of sail/tarp/blanket)
GOOBER: What happened?
GIL: Good question.
GREEB: We’ve been tricked.
GOOBER: Where’s the treasure?
GABBY: There is no treasure.
GOOBER: But they said there was. Where did it go?
GREEB: Right here in my fist.
(GOOBER leans in close and GREEB punches)
GOOBER: Ow! That’s not a treasure.
(GIL holds out a fist)
GIL: Here it is.
(GOOBER goes over and GIL punches)
GOOBER: Ow! That’s not it either.
GABBY: Wait! I’ve got it.
(GABBY holds out a fist too)
GOOBER: Hold on a minute. I’m starting to think there isn’t a treasure.
(GOONS all start punching and chasing GOOBER as lights fade to black)
END OF SCRIPT