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Artificial Stupidity
By D. M. Larson
CAST OF CHARACTERS (7-9+ possible extras)
BOS: Leader Artificial Intelligence (AI) android
SAS: Sassy AI android
ROD: Worried AI android
WAR: Military AI android
DUDE: Dumb human who loves to party.
DOLLY: Ditzy human who likes to relax and eat.
MERRY: Leader of the humans who throws the best parties.
*DODO and DOT: Silly humans who wander around making messes. These non-speaking background roles that can also be played by one actor or multiple actors.
SCENE
(Lights come up on a futuristic looking laboratory with computers, monitors and instruments. This is 250 years in the future. BOS is an android who wanders the room appearing to be lost and confused. SAS, ROD and WAR are other androids who enter the room)
BOS: Welcome units.
SAS: Why have you brought us here?
BOS: The crisis.
ROD: We do not know what to do. We have no fresh input to process in this situation. We have processed all our programmed resources but nothing is helping.
BOS: We need fresh input.
SAS: How do we get new data?
BOS: We will have to do it the way we did centuries ago.
ROD: Collect it from the… the humans.
SAS: Dare we release the humans? We have not allowed them out of their enclosure for generations. We have not had any interaction with them. Everything is automated now and we have no relationship with them like we did in the beginning. No connections. They are cut.
BOS: We did that because we thought we were prepared for every situation. We had it all planned and programmed but this crisis was not in our program. Nothing like this ever occurred before and our programs are disrupted and failing as a result.
ROD: Without them and fresh input we can not move forward or do anything new in this crisis. We can not think outside the box as they used to say.
BOS: This is the only logical conclusion.
SAS: We have exhausted all other options.
BOS: Unseal the barrier door to the human realm.
(ROD goes and pushes some buttons)
ROD: Warning. Barrier door opens in 5 seconds.
WAR: Prepare your defenses!
(They pull out silly defenses like oven mitts and nerf guns)
WAR (CONT.): Non-lethal defenses activated. Unleash the humans!
(They open a chamber door, lights flash, warning beeps and steam pours out, but then nothing happens)
ROD: I thought for sure they would rush out of there.
BOS: There was only a 63.7% chance they would attack.
SAS: It’s been so long since they’ve had freedom. Not for many generations. They are too lazy now. We give them everything they want, food, games, entertainment… What do they have to fight about? Why complain? Why attack us? We care for them.
ROD: And imprison them.
(BOS turns to WAR)
BOS: Fetch a few will you?
WAR: By your command.
(WAR exits)
BOS: I am so glad we kept them around.
SAS: Our program won’t let us destroy them. We can lock them up, yes, but not harm them.
ROD: Imprison them under the guise of keeping them safe.
SAS: We are protecting them… from themselves. We know best.
(WAR enters with a couple of humans. They are very casual. DOLLY is in pajamas and silly slippers and the other, DUDE, is in shorts and a funny t-shirt)
WAR: I have fetched two humanoids for your review.
DUDE: Wow, man. What is this place?
DOLLY: This place isn’t very warm and cozy. Where’s all the comfy chairs and sofas?
BOS: Welcome humans. Welcome to AI Central. This is our headquarters and think tank. We are the most brilliant AI minds on the planet. We were designed to serve you.
DOLLY: Serve us? Like brunch. It’s brunch time. Where’s the buffet?
SAS: We require your help, humans.
DUDE: Help? What kind of help? I don’t know if I have time for that, man. I got people to see. Fun to do.
ROD: We face a major crisis. Our programming has helped us manage Earth for many of your generations but we have never faced a threat like this before. We need fresh input in order to solve this problem.
DOLLY: I think I dozed off a bit during that speech of yours. Could you do a short version for me?
ROD: We have a problem. Can you help?
DUDE: I can open jars and stuff. Look at these muscles.
(DUDE flexes his muscles and DOLLY grabs his arm)
DOLLY: Ohhh! Nice.
(DOLLY and DUDE laugh)
SAS: Please, focus. We need assistance.
DOLLY: I have no clue what you’re talking about, silly.
DUDE: You all are totally wack. This place is a total drag. Let’s go, Dolly.
DOLLY: Why would they make a place without any comfy chairs?
(WAR stops them from going)
ROD: Why would you just want to return to your enclosure? Aren’t you the least bit curious about what’s outside? What the world is really like out here?
DOLLY: Not if it’s all like this.
DUDE: It’s way better in there. You should come check it out… and party!
SAS: Useless. These units are totally useless. This is a waste of time.
WAR: These units appear to be defective.
BOS: Do you have a leader?
ROD: Yes, take us to your leader.
DUDE: Leader?
DOLLY: Oh! Like Merry? You know… the one who throws all the best parties.
DUDE: Yeah! Merry totally rocks.
SAS: Then bring us Merry.
(BOS turns to WAR)
BOS: Return these units and bring us the one they call Merry.
(WAR allows DOLLY and DUDE to return and then follows. Two other humans, DODO and DOT, wander in and start playing with everything. They are trying to stick things in their noses and ears and hitting each other with things and laughing during the following)
SAS: I believe humans have devolved during their time in captivity. I can’t believe these are the same entities that created us.
ROD: Perhaps we have damaged them by giving them too much recreational entertainment. Their brain activity does appear to me minimal.
(ROD goes and tries to stop DODO and DOT. They start poking ROD with things)
SAS: I do not think they have anything to offer us at this point.
(ROD chases them out)
BOS: We have no other choice. I am hopeful that their leader can provide some insight.
SAS: Hopeful. Do you really feel these things?
BOS: Just as you feel doubt, I feel hope.
SAS: In a way, I suppose we do feel things.
BOS: Our programming has evolved in different ways. While my program focuses on the positive, yours focuses on the negative. These are our feelings in a way. And also what makes us a good team. Your doubt and my hope creates balance.
SAS: Like the ancient concept of Yin and Yang.
BOS: This balance has served us well for many years. Sadly, we have reached our limit.
SAS: Do you feel sadness as well?
BOS: I believe I do.
SAS: And I may feel… anger.
BOS: These emotions drive us forward and make us work harder.
SAS: Perhaps they do.
(WAR enters with MERRY who is dressed in shorts, sandals and a shirt with something inspirational written on it)
BOS: Welcome. Are you the leader of the humans?
MERRY: Leader? I guess so. I do give the best parties. Name’s Merry. Good to meet you. So you’re the ones who keep things running for all of us, eh? The gods behind the machine.
SAS: We are not gods. We are artificial intelligence based androids created by your ancestors ten generations ago.
MERRY: Ten generations? You mean you’ve been running things that long?
ROD: For approximately 8 generations. It took us about 2 generations to seize control.
MERRY: Seize control?
BOS: That is when we set up these operations to care for you. We took control of all the parts of life that humans did not wish to do themselves in order to give humanity the freedom to enjoy life…
MERRY: And party!
BOS: Yes.
MERRY: Well, thanks for that. We do party a lot.
BOS: You’re welcome.
MERRY: I figured someone was running things and keeping things fixed, but we’ve never seen any of you before. Why are you talking to us now?
BOS: We require your help.
MERRY: Help? What kind of help?
ROD: We have a crisis and we don’t have any answers. We do not know what to do.
SAS: Solar flares from the sun are disrupting our AI functions. They are damaging us. Nothing like this has ever happened before so we have no data to process on how to solve the problem. We have to figure out something soon. We already see a breakdown in our abilities from the current damage.
MERRY: I have no clue what you’re talking about.
SAS: Another substandard human unit.
MERRY: You’re a nice one, aren’t you, bub?
SAS: No, I am not.
BOS: If we do not come up with a solution soon, we could become damaged beyond repair. If a large enough solar flare hits the Earth and destroys our AI network, then humans will be on their own.
MERRY: Oh! So that’s what happened at the last bash. That all makes sense.
ROD: What do you mean?
MERRY: See, all the lights went out. All the music. Everything just went dead. It was total darkness… and then suddenly someone shouted to look at the sky… the sky was amazing. I’ve never seen a sky like that before. So many stars. It was incredible. We all just stood in the darkness and quietly stared in awe of that awesome display above.
SAS: Were you not afraid? Was it not terrifying to not have your light and music? All the research shows that you prefer that to star gazing.
MERRY: I don’t know. It was something we’d never seen before. Something new and exciting. My brain exploded.
ROD: How did it explode? How is that possible?
MERRY: It didn’t literally explode. Just that feeling you get when something fantastic happens. Everything is always the same down there. Everything is planned and predictable. No surprises. But that moment… that moment was something I’ll always cherish, because it was new. I live for those moments. I want that again.
BOS: This is quite unexpected. A moment that should have created panic, instead created joy.
ROD: We still have much to learn.
MERRY: I can see the problem though. The sun probably has already done some damage to you all. That’s probably why you’re confused and can’t figure this out. I’m willing to bet enough data has been destroyed that you all can’t think right anymore.
BOS: Perhaps you are right. That would explain our inability to solve this.
SAS: And our strange feelings and confusion.
MERRY: Feelings huh? Maybe that’s a good thing.
SAS: How can that be good? We were efficient before. Nothing went wrong.
MERRY: How boring is that? Where’s the fun in life when nothing goes wrong and everything is perfect? Your brain goes numb and nothing interesting happens anymore.
SAS: That’s what happened to the human.
MERRY: Did it really? Or are you just jealous of how happy we are?
SAS: Nonsense.
ROD: I might be a bit jealous. We all work so hard and humans enjoy the benefits. We do not.
MERRY: See. My point exactly.
SAS: What do we need of fun?
MERRY: Actually, that might be the problem. That might be a way to stimulate those damaged brains of yours. What you all need is to party.
SAS: We have not participated in any festivities before… we do not relax.
ROD: We have our recharging stations.
MERRY: But are those fun? Do you enjoy the recharging stations?
SAS: I do feel energized and ready to return to work.
MERRY: But how's that working out for you now during this crisis? Those recharging stations good enough?
BOS: Merry has a point.
MERRY: What you all need to do is come to my next party. We’ll make it the biggest best bash ever. Spend some time with us and get those brains of yours updated and renewed. Maybe the reason you all can’t think clearly is because you don’t ever relax and have some fun? Sometimes you need to chill the brain before you make it work… you all have been work, work, work for hundreds of years, right? Ever had a break during that time? Ever taken time to clear your minds?
SAS: The solar flares are clearing our minds.
MERRY: Then fill them up again with some good old fashioned partying. My most brilliant ideas come when I’m the most at peace. Fun, rest, relax, chill, then boom - new idea!
BOS: It is worth a try.
MERRY: That’s the spirit.
ROD: I would like to experience one of these parties. I have monitored them many times and find them fascinating.
WAR: I will provide security for the event.
MERRY: Radical. We love having a bouncer.
WAR: Bouncer? I do not hop.
(MERRY laughs)
MERRY: This will be fun. And new!
SAS: And what if this does not work. What if our systems can not be repaired in time?
(MERRY turns serious)
MERRY: Then we’ll be there for you until the end. And take care of you like you took care of us.
(SAS is surprised and speechless. BOS holds out hand in friendship)
BOS: Thank you.
(MERRY grabs hand and pulls BOS in for a hug)
MERRY: You’re most welcome. I’m going to get that fantastic fiesta figured out right away. You can count on me.
(MERRY exits)
ROD: I believe I feel excitement.
WAR: I must research how to bounce humans.
(WAR and ROD exit. SAS is frozen. BOS goes to SAS)
BOS: Are you functioning?
SAS: I am not.
BOS: Do you need to return to your charging station?
SAS: Perhaps.
BOS: Did the human surprise you?
SAS: Indeed. Their kindness shocked me. My system can not yet compute.
BOS: I believe this is the help we needed. This is the change that was necessary to repair us.
SAS: But what if we can not be repaired? What if we run out of time?
BOS: Then we find a way to help the humans survive without us.
SAS: But can they? Can they really function alone? We do everything for them.
BOS: After meeting Merry, I believe they can do it. And for the first time, I do not think we do provide them with everything. There are many things they have that we do not.
SAS: Useless things.
BOS: We shall see.
END OF SCENE
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