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THE CREEPY CABIN
By D. M. Larson
CAST OF CHARACTERS (4 m 4 f)
SCENE 1 CHARACTERS:
ACE: Ezrah aka Ace is a young criminal who drags his friends into trouble.
ZEKE: Zacharia aka Zeke is a nervous young cowpoke.
ROSIE: Rowena aka Rosie is a wild girl who likes a good fight.
*HOPE: Young novice nun who is ACE’s sister. She dresses in a white habit.
SCENE 2 CHARACTERS:
XANDER: Brings his friends to his family’s cabin.
MONIQUE: A modern girl who loves to shop.
FELICITY: An over dramatic girl who likes to get sassy.
NICK: XANDER’s buddy who tries to always be upbeat and positive.
*HOPE: Mysterious neighbor dressed in black (played by the same HOPE actress from scene 1).
TIME
SCENE 1 takes place in the 1874.
SCENE 2 takes place in early 2019.
PLACE
Both scenes take place in the same cabin, but scene 2 is over a hundred years in the future so there are a few modern additions such as a couple of beds and some canned food.
SCENE 1
(ZEKE is a skittish young cowpoke alone in a creepy cabin. He wanders around and hears strange sounds. Suddenly ROSIE jumps out and scares ZEKE who screams like a little girl. ROSIE does an out of control crazy laugh)
ZEKE: Ah, Fudge… I have a mind to leave right now.
ROSIE: You’re jumpier than a cat in a roomful of rockers.
ZEKE: Quit jumping at me like that. You got me all wamble-cropped.
ROSIE: I’m trying to get you from being so yellow bellied.
(ACE enters. He’s a similar age but much more composed, tough and serious than the other two)
ACE: What’s all the hullabaloo?
ZEKE: Rosie scared the Dickens out of me.
ROSIE: Oh, horse feathers.
ACE: Alrighty, lunk head. You gonna be lily livered and run home to your mama, Zeke, or you ready to be a man?
ZEKE: You sure got a bee in your bonnet about something… what is it?
ROSIE: Hear tell you got yerself some happifying news.
ACE: Hold your horses. I’ll get to that directly. Let’s get settled first.
ZEKE: Don’t know why you have to dilly-dally.
ROSIE: We ready to hunker down for the night?
ACE: Got myself a velvet couch.
(ACE pulls out a bedroll)
ROSIE: I got my war bag.
(ROSIE pours out her bag of clothes, extra ammunition, spare parts for equipment, playing cards, and random papers. ZEKE finds an old toy in his bag and gets excited)
ZEKE: Brought this here whim-wham in case we get bored.
ROSIE: What is you, 3 years old? Give me that.
(ROSIE throws toy out window. ZEKE tries to not look sad, but he is)
ACE: Got anything to eat? I’m feelin’ peckish. I got a hankering for some jerky.
ZEKE: I brought some whistle berries.
(ZEKE shows some beans)
ROSIE: I got some White Eye.
(ROSIE holds up a bottle of whiskey. ACE laughs)
ACE: Beans and whiskey. Don’t get too close to the fire.
ZEKE: And I got plenty of Adam’s Ale. It’s from that creek over yonder. Didn’t see no dead critters in it so I think it’s good.
(ZEKE holds up a jug of water. ROSIE grabs ZEKE’s little pocket knife)
ROSIE: And Zeke brought his little Apple Peeler in case we gonna hunt. What you need is something like my Arkansas Toothpick here.
(ROSIE takes out a huge knife)
ZEKE: Lands Sakes!
(ROSIE finds a little bag of chew in her stuff)
ROSIE: Lookie here. Got myself some Chaw.
(ZEKE takes out a blanket)
ROSIE: Zeke brought his lammy. You’re adorable.
ZEKE: I don’t want to be adorable. I want to be a man. I’ll never find a girl and jump the broom, will I?
ROSIE: You can always get a catalog woman. That’s what my daddy did - got himself a bride from the “Celestial Empire.” That’s why I’m not lily white like you Zeke.
ZEKE: I think you got pretty skin.
(ROSIE is delighted and then angry and punches ZEKE. ROSIE goes to ACE)
ROSIE: This here is our ace in the hole. Right Ace? No one knows about this place cept us. Let’s have ourselves a hog-killin’ time and make hay while the sun shines. Come on, Ace. Give me reason to whoop it up. Spill the beans now. Let’s see how the cat jumps.
ZEKE: Yeah, Ace. Why are we on the dodge?
ACE: I’ve hit pay dirt. I’ve annexed something pretty amazing. It panned out real good. I got it all too… lock, stock and barrel. The whole kit and caboodle is ours.
(ACE dumps out gold rocks)
ROSIE: Lookie that. That real gold. I’m doing a ho down round that.
(ROSIE dances around gold. Gets Zeke to join her)
ACE: We have to keep that fry. No one can know we got this.
ZEKE: That’s more money than you shake a stick at.
ACE: I’m not just stringing a whizzer. This here is the real deal. I stole it from one of them gold miners that are always coming to down. He hit pay dirt and was bragging and getting drunk. He asked me to carry it all the way to the bank for him. Half way there he passed out. I just kept on walking, right past the bank and out of town.
ROSIE: Bully for you!
(ROSIE whoops and hollers)
ZEKE: Quiet down. You’re gonna wake snakes. Don’t be so loco!
ROSIE: I’m not right in my upper story. You know that. And this here gold is making me off my nut. Don’t be so down in the mouth, Zeke.
ZEKE: You’ve got a screw loose.
ROSIE: Don’t get your dander up. I’m just having fun.
ZEKE: Where’s the necessary?
(ZEKE sees something when he starts to head out)
ZEKE: There’s a nun out there. I can’t hit the head with a nun watching.
ROSIE: It’s your sister, Ace.
ZEKE: Your sister is a sister?
ACE: She’s tub-thumping, street preaching, hell-fired persnickety pain in my stern.
This is got me all-fired annoyed. There always all kinds of trouble atwixt us cuz she thinks I always need savin’.
ROSIE: She's trying to make you good? Those are some big nuts to crack. You’re the baddest boy I know.
(HOPE, young woman in nun habit, enters)
ACE: What in the tarnation are you doing here, Hope?!
HOPE: I heard what you did, Ezrah.
ROSIE: Ha! Your real name is Ezrah?
ACE: And your real name is Rowena.
ROSIE: You said you wouldn’t tell, you scallywag!
ZEKE: My real name is Zacharia.
(ACE gets angry at HOPE)
ACE: Don’t act to uppish and wabble at me about your morals.
HOPE: You bilked that miner out of his money, didn’t you?
ACE: Don’t get your dander up and whale away about things you know nothing about.
HOPE: You think you’re some high-falutin outlaw. Ain't you just the biggest toad in the puddle. You think you’re the big guns now after stealing that gold.
ACE: That’s right.
HOPE: And you told mama a whopper about what you were doing up here in the cabin.
ROSIE: What did he say he was doing?
HOPE: Having a prayer meeting.
(ROSIE laughs)
ROSIE: Good one.
HOPE: Dad is going to give you the biggest whuppin. He’s gonna be whaling on you til the cows come home.
ACE: You know I’m a bad egg. It’s bad medicine to be round me.
HOPE: Sakes alive. What in the Sam Hill do you think you're doing? The whole town is a bag of nails after you left. That miner went off his rocker when he sobered up enough to realize his gold was missing.
ACE: Balderdash. He can go get himself some more from his claim.
HOPE: I know you won’t go back to town to come clean and acknowledge the corn. I know you bamboozled him, but we can go back and say you got the wrong pig by the tail and took the bag by mistake. Or say that you were just keeping it safe until he sobered up.
ACE: Shut your big bazoo and quit yer yammerin’.”
HOPE: This is total bosh. You’re not an outlaw.
ACE: What are you, deef. Of course I’m an outlaw. That’s the long and short of it. This here gold heist is the proof.
HOPE: Ezrah…
ACE: Ace.
HOPE: I know you’re a hard case and being good is a hard row to hoe. But you don’t have to be a no count criminal.
ACE: I’ve been bad since I was knee-high to a lamb.
HOPE: And I was there to get you nailed to the counter whenever you’s feeling your oats. You really wanna be a scalawag when you grow up?
ACE: I is grown up.
HOPE: That life’s gonna be all beer and skittles.
ACE: Poppy-cock.
ZEKE: I wish you not argy.
ROSIE: Come on, Zeke. I’ll be lookout while you go to the necessary. Gonna myself a looksie around here while you have yourself a piddle.
(ROSIE and ZEKE exit)
HOPE: I’ll have none of your blather. Old scratch has his claws in you.
ACE: But I’m rich, Hope. I’m stinkin’ rich. I can do anything I want now. Be anyone. Buy anything. I’ve got it made now.
HOPE: To blazes with your gold and false dreams.
ACE: Save it for Sunday, Sister. You’ll never hold a candle to Aunt Mary. You’ll never be that good.
HOPE: Why’d you drag Zeke and Rosie into this humbug too? You’ve got them both honey-fuggled. Now they’re in for it too and they didn’t do nothing. Or is that your plan. You’re gonna hornswoggle them and they’ll take the heat. The jig is up, Ezrah. I know your game.
ACE: I ain’t nothing to nobody. I don’t need to let on to you about nothing.
(ROSIE rushes back in with ZEKE in tow)
ROSIE: It’s an ambush among the willows.
(ACE turns on HOPE and grabs her roughly)
ACE: Did you bring the law?
(ZEKE steps up and gets ACE to release HOPE)
ROSIE: That sheriff feller from town is out there with a whole posee. By gum, they brought the whole kit and caboodle.
ACE: You in cahoots with the sheriff, Hope?
HOPE: No!
(ZEKE stands between ACE and HOPE)
ZEKE: Don’t have a conniption fit, Ace. Keep your head.
ACE: Get my equalizer, Rosie. I’m gonna fight like Kilkenny cats.
HOPE: You’re in a whole peck of trouble. Give in now before the fats in the fire.
ACE: I can take on a posee in a pinch.
ROSIE: I ain’t gonna let you play a lone hand.
ACE: How are you with a gun, Zeke?
ZEKE: Fair to middlin.’ There’s a dreadful lot of guns out there.
ACE: Then we better head them off lickety split. Rosie? Where’s them cannons?
ROSIE: Ace… there ain’t nary a one in here.
ACE: What you yammering about?
ROSIE: The guns… they’re gone.
ACE: What?!
ROSIE: We stashed ‘em here a fortnight ago but now they’re gone.
(ACE frantically search the hiding spot in the wall)
ACE: Why’d they go? Zeke!
ZEKE: I didn’t do nothing.
HOPE: I took them.
ACE: No!
(ACE lunged at HOPE but ZEKE stops him)
HOPE: I threw them in the creek.
ZEKE: We’re dead.
ACE: We better make tracks
ROSIE: Too late - they’ve circled the wagons. We’re surrounded.
ZEKE: We getting ditched and tossed into a crowbar hotel. Or worse! We’re gonna get lead poisoning and bite the ground and end up in the boot yard. Or we’re gonna get a California collar during some necktie social at the lynching bee. We’re dead meat. dead as a doornail…
ROSIE: There must be a way to flunk out of here.
HOPE: Hang up your fiddles. Show them your ten commandments and surrender.
(HOPE holds up hands in surrender)
ACE: Zeke, maybe you could do something crazy and get them all higgledy-piggledy so I can vamoose and get the gold out of here.
HOPE: Don’t make Zeke your sacrificial lamb.
ACE: Then you do it. Isn’t being a nun all about sacrifice?
HOPE: You’re up a tree and this is a bad box. And I don’t want any of you to get hurt. You think you can all fit in the wall there?
(ROSIE takes gold into hole in wall)
ROSIE: Yup… come here, Zeke.
(ROSIE pulls ZEKE in with her)
HOPE: I’ll distract them. Tell them you’re not here. I’ll let them search the cabin and then when they’re gone we’ll figure out a way to sort this out.
(ACE climbs into hole)
ACE: You’re not gonna turn me in?
HOPE: You’re my little brother…
(HOPE gives him a hug and then shoves him in hole)
ZEKE: You’re really gonna lie for us, Hope?
(HOPE starts closing them in)
HOPE: I want you to have a fair shake. Now hunker down and don’t make a sound.
(HOPE closes hole and pushes up something against it to cover it)
ZEKE (off): So if she don’t come back, how we gonna get out again?
ROSIE: Hush!
(Lights fade in silence)
HOPE: Don’t shoot!
(Then a gunshot is heard and HOPE screams)
END OF SCENE
SCENE 2
(XANDER leads his friends into his family’s cabin. He tries to be excited about it even though he knows it’s not the nicest place)
XANDER: Welcome to my family’s cabin. Our little slice of paradise away from the hustle and bustle of it all.
MONIQUE: OMG… what is this place?
FELICITY: It’s so basic.
XANDER: I think this cabin is dope.
(XANDER rushes around and checks out rooms)
NICK: Yeah Bruh… it’s sick.
XANDER: Oh no ladies - there’s only two beds.
MONIQUE: We will share.
NICK: Yeah?
MONIQUE: That will be the boy’s bed and that will be the girls bed.
XANDER: I can’t share with him - he stinks.
(NICK laughs at XANDER and farts)
FELICITY: You both stink
(A thump from the wall)
NICK: Did you hear that?
XANDER: These old cabins always make weird sounds. My dad says it’s the house settling.
NICK: Like a sinkhole? You think we’ll get swallowed up?
XANDER: That would be… so extra.
(Another thump)
MONIQUE: You sure that’s not some kind of animal or something? That sounds weird.
NICK: Let’s go check it out.
(XANDER and NICK exit)
MONIQUE: I am so looking forward to this year. 2020 is going to be Gucci.
FELICITY: We should make it our year. See new places. Meet new people.
MONIQUE: Do lots of shopping!
FELICITY: YOLO!
MONIQUE: Mood!
FELICITY: What’s going to be the fashion trend this year? Your prediction please.
MONIQUE: 2020 is going to be all about lips. Lipstick, lip liner, puffy lips… lips and kisses.
FELICITY: Oh yeah.
MONIQUE: I read about someone saying scarves and sashes will be the thing, but that’s so Boomer.
FELICITY: I know. Is this like the 1950’s or something?
(MONIQUE adds more lipstick to her lips)
MONIQUE: It’s definitely going to be about lips.
FELICITY: What does your BF think of your lips? Why isn’t he with us anyway?
MONIQUE: He ain’t my BF no more.
FELICITY: What? When did this happen? Come on, spill the tea.
MONIQUE: He’s dating my BFF.
FELICITY: Melinda? No! She is so thirsty.
MONIQUE: We were at that New Year Party…
FELICITY: That party was fire.
MONIQUE: Donny got so Lit. And he had to flex for all the ladies.
FELICITY: He is such a simp.
MONIQUE: I hated how he was acting. He was lifting up heavy things pretending to be a strong man…
(FELICITY pretends to be a strong man)
FELICITY: I pick things up and put them down.
MONIQUE: Melinda gave him a little too much attention for it. She wanted him to lift her up too.
FELICITY: He’s such a tool.
MONIQUE: And she's so crashy. I can’t believe I ever made her my BFF.
FELICITY: Don’t worry. You’ve got me girl.
MONIQUE: You’re the best BFF.
FELICITY: I know.
(They laugh)
MONIQUE: And when I see her. I’m always like this now.
(Gives a silly dirty look)
FELICITY: What’s that?
MONIQUE: That’s me throwing shade.
(They both give silly dirty looks)
FELICITY: You and Melinda used to be so tight.
MONIQUE: Things change. Now, I’m totally ghosting her.
(Thump again. They jump. NICK and XANDER rush in)
XANDER: Those thumps are definitely in here.
NICK: In the walls?
FELICITY: This place is creepy. Do we have to stay here?
XANDER: Don’t get hangry. Maybe you just need a snack.
NICK: Your family got any food stashed up here, Xander?
XANDER: Let’s raid the kitchen, bruh.
(NICK and XANDER go to cabinets to search)
MONIQUE: You think anyone delivers here?
XANDER: You know how to cook? There’s lots of cans.
(NICK looks at canned food and shakes them)
NICK: How do you open these things?
FELICITY: How do we cook? There’s no microwave?
MONIQUE: I’m totally calling delivery.
(MONIQUE looks at phone)
FELICITY: What’s wrong?
MONIQUE: I need to charge my phone. Where’s a port?
XANDER: Definitely no USB ports here.
NICK: I don’t even see any outlets.
XANDER: Look. Here’s something.
(It’s an old style plug in phone)
NICK: What is it?
FELICITY: I’m not sure.
MONIQUE: Looks kind of like a phone.
NICK: Try it.
(XANDER picks up receiver on phone and puts it to his ear and it startles him)
XANDER: It’s making some kind of buzzing noise.
NICK: How does it work?
XANDER: I’m not sure.
FELICITY: It’s got a bunch of numbers on it.
MONIQUE: But why is it a wheel? It doesn’t even have buttons. I stick my fingers in the holes and nothing happens.
XANDER: Oh, hey. I hear someone. Hello? Oh, hi. My name’s Xander… a party line? What’s that? You share the same phone line?
FELICITY: This is totally cray cray.
XANDER: Sure, I’ll get off the line. Sorry about that.
(MONIQUE grabs the phone)
MONIQUE: Hey, can you come over here and show us how to use the phone? I can’t even with this phone.
(XANDER gets back the phone)
XANDER: Sorry, Miss. Oh… you will help? This is my family’s cabin. The Lerners. Yeah. Thanks.
(XANDER hangs up the phone)
HANK: So she’s coming over?
XANDER: She says she knows my family.
FELICITY: And does she like your family?
XANDER: I hope so.
MONIQUE: Or is she coming to get you.
(Pounding on the door. They all jump)
FELICITY: Yeet! I’m gonna ditch.
XANDER: It’s probably just the neighbor coming over to help with the phone.
(XANDER goes to the door and opens it. A person who looks like HOPE from scene one enters but she is dressed in all black)
HOPE: You’re of the Lerner family?
XANDER: I am. My parents sent me up here with my friends to check things out. It’s been awhile since we’ve been up here.
HOPE: Why?
XANDER: Not sure. Just busy I guess.
HOPE: How long will you be staying?
XANDER: A long time maybe?
NICK: What you mean, bro?
XANDER: Well… it’s hard to say…
FELICITY: Can’t you see he doesn’t want to talk about it?
MONIQUE: Poor Xander.
HOPE: You can’t stay here.
XANDER: Hold up. Wait a minute. This cabin belongs to my family.
HOPE: You are in danger. This cabin is cursed.
FELICITY: Okay Boomer.
MONIQUE: What a Karen.
XANDER: What do you mean, cursed?
NICK: Don’t encourage her, dude.
HOPE: A terrible thing happened here long ago.
(There is a thump in the wall and they all jump)
FELICITY: It’s that sound again.
XANDER: Probably just old pipes or something.
NICK: Or an animal like a squirrel or rat.
MONIQUE: Ew! I hate rats. I’d rather it be a ghost.
HOPE: You may get your wish, missy. These walls hide secrets from beyond the grave. Of long ago tragedy. Forever locked away and lost to time. A young innocent killed on this very doorstep for the crimes of her brothers.
FELICITY: You are so totally emo. There’s no such thing as ghosts, periodt.
(Thump in the wall again)
HOPE: Then what is that?
XANDER: Maybe I should open it up and see what’s making that noise.
HOPE: No! You must not disturb the spirits!
MONIQUE: Or the rats.
FELICITY: You can go now, K.
MONIQUE: Mood.
HOPE: I will go, but be warned. Do not disturb those spirits who sleep within those walls.
FELICITY: Buh-bye, Boomer.
(HOPE goes and shuts door)
NICK: But show us how to use the phone first.
(NICK rushes to the door and opens it)
NICK (CONT.): She’s gone.
MONIQUE: How did she get out of here so fast?
FELICITY: So creepy Karen is gone. You gonna tell us what’s up with you, Xander?
XANDER: I wanted to keep this low-key, but my family is having money problems. We’re going to lose our house in the city. This might be the only thing we have left.
MONIQUE: But it’s so basic. How can you live out here?
XANDER: We may not have a choice.
NICK: Your family can all live with me. I got lots of room.
XANDER: That’s nice of you, bro.
FELICITY: I’ll take your dog. I like your dog.
XANDER: Thanks, Felicity.
MONIQUE: I’ll take your brother. He’s cute.
XANDER: Sure, why not.
(They laugh and then there’s the thump again)
FELICITY: I’m shook.
NICK: What is that, dude?
XANDER: I better see. Any tools around here?
NICK: I saw some over here.
(NICK grabs a couple of hammers and they go up to the place in the wall where they heard the thumps)
XANDER: This the spot?
(Thumps)
NICK: Yup.
XANDER: Let’s do this.
NICK: I’m down.
(XANDER and NICK use the hammers to open the wall boards and then three skeletons falls out onto NICK. FELICIA and MONIQUE scream)
XANDER: Nick! Bro! Dude!
(XANDER rushes to pull NICK free of the skeleton pile)
NICK: No worries.
MONIQUE: Skeletons! Why were there skeletons in the wall?
FELICITY: Look! There’s something else. Something shiny.
(MONIQUE and NICK comfort each other. XANDER goes back to hole and reaches in and pulls out a bag from scene 1)
XANDER: It’s heavy.
FELICITY: Look inside.
(XANDER pulls out some gold)
XANDER: Gold!
(FELICITY kicks the skeletons aside and grabs the back)
FELICITY: And a lot of it!
NICK: We’re gonna be rich, dude!
MONIQUE: He’s gonna be rich. This is his family’s house.
XANDER: There’s enough to share.
FELICITY: Really? Yeet!
(FELICITY snatches a piece of gold)
MONIQUE: Best trip ever!
NICK: This means your family is gonna be okay, bro.
XANDER: I know! My parents will be so happy.
FELICITY: Let’s go tell them now.
MONIQUE: You don’t want to stay the night with our new friends here?
FELICITY: Sorry. They’re too crashy for me.
XANDER: I want to tell my family right away.
NICK: We’re outta here.
MONIQUE: For real.
XANDER: This is epic!
(They exit and lights slowly fade with the main focus of the light on the skeletons. HOPE appears and goes up to the skeletons and holds up one of the skulls)
HOPE: Now we can finally lay you to rest.
(HOPE begins to gather the bones and lights fade to black)
END OF SCRIPT
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