Dallas in Dunderland
(a musical comedy for the whole family)
By D. M. Larson
PLOT: A cowboy named Dallas eats some magical beans and a fantastical fart transports him to another world called Dunderland.
MUSIC: All Songs included are Public Domain. See end of script for detailed list.
SCENE 1: THE TEXAS RABBIT RANCH 2
SCENE 2: WELCOME TO DUNDERLAND 4
SCENE 4: DUNDERDEE AND DUNDERDOO 15
Copyright © 2024 All Rights Reserved 39
DALLAS: A young rancher from Texas who dreams of adventure. This lead in the play can be played by a male or female.
RABBITS: They live on Dallas’ farm and eat a lot. But a bit of magic allows them to send DALLAS on a journey and teach him a lesson. As many actors as possible should play the rabbits either in costumes or as puppets. The more the better.
MAMA: Mother to DALLAS and owner of the rabbit ranch in Texas.
DODO: Grumpy bird-like resident of Dunderland.
CITIZENS: They work at the mall and bring various carts onto stage with names such as Orange Juiciest, Wish & Wash Works, RadShack, EZPenny, CinnaYum.
JACK: The Jack of Spades card guard who helps DALLAS.
COACHELLA CAT: A musical cat who loves to sing and dance.
BATTY BARISTA: A crazy bat-like creature who sells drinks.
DUNDERDEE and DUNDERDOO: Two cartoony characters who dress like really little kids and love to be silly.
KING OF DIAMONDS: Owner of a mall that he runs to keep the Queen of Diamonds happy.
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: She loves to shop at the mall. When she is emotional, she cries diamonds.
FLOWERS: TIGERLILY, DANDYLION and ROSE
MOCK TURTLE: A sad mythical creature who needs cheering up.
GRIFFIN: A sleepy mythical creature who floats around on the clouds.
KING AND QUEEN OF CLUBS: They only come out at night and they love to dance.
CATERPILLAR: Needs magical shoes and has a way for DALLAS to get home.
(RABBITS hop around [puppets or actors in costumes]. DALLAS runs around trying to feed them, but the RABBITS trip him, steal food and laugh at him. DALLAS is frustrated and unhappy)
SONG: “I'm Always Chasing Rainbows” (1917)
[Verse]
At the end of the rainbow there's happiness,
And to find it how often I've tried,
But my life is a race, just a wild goose chase,
And my dreams have all been denied.
Why have I always been a failure,
What can the reason be?
I wonder if the world's to blame,
I wonder if it could be me?
[Chorus]
I'm always chasing rainbows,
Watching clouds drifting by.
My schemes are just like all my dreams,
Ending in the sky,
Some fellows look and find the sunshine,
I always look and find the rain,
Some fellows make a winning sometime,
I never even make a gain,
Believe me.
I'm always chasing rainbows
Waiting to find a little bluebird in vain.
[Verse]
I've Looked to the west as the sun goes down,
And I've followed its glorious rays
But the faster I'd run I would miss the sun,
My life's full of wasted days
I've always been a natural loser,
Each thing I touch must fall
If good luck ever came to me
It would never seem right at all.
(MAMA enters to help DALLAS feed the RABBITS)
DALLAS: Ah, mama. How can we feed all these rabbits? There’s more and more every day.
(RABBITS swarm and knock DALLAS down)
MAMA: Aren’t they adorable though?
(DALLAS gets up and shoos them away)
DALLAS: I’m getting tired of all these rabbits. We grow carrots, then we feed them the carrots and then we get more rabbits!
MAMA: Isn’t it wonderful?
DALLAS: It’s driving me crazy.
MAMA: I’m sorry that you feel that way…
(MAMA sad, grabs some rabbits and leaves, trying not to cry. DALLAS doesn’t notice. RABBIT watches all this)
DALLAS: I want some adventure. I want to discover new places. I want to do something amazing and ride off into the sunset.
(RABBIT brings in a bowl of beans. Puts sign that says, “Eat Me” and runs off)
DALLAS (CONT.): Well, lookie here. Who left this bowl of beans? Hmm… smells mighty good.
(Sticks finger in it)
DALLAS (CONT.): Still warm.
(Licks finger)
DALLAS (CONT.): Tastes pretty good too. Maybe I’ll have myself a little nibble.
(Eats)
DALLAS (CONT.): Boy, howdy. That’s good!
(Eats more. Pauses)
DALLAS (CONT.): Oh, no.
(Lets out a big fart and lights go to black)
DALLAS (CONT.): Did I do that?
END OF SCENE
(Crazy carnival like music blasts from the darkness)
DALLAS (CONT.): What’s going on?
(Lights come up on a crowded Suess like land with strange looking creatures wandering around. DALLAS looks confused)
DALLAS (CONT.): Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that.
(DALLAS stops DODO)
DALLAS (CONT.): Excuse me.
DODO: Who are you? What do you want?
DALLAS: My name’s Dallas. I’m from Texas. What is this here place? Looks mighty weird. Is this California?
DODO: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
DALLAS: What do ya’ mean? We’re both speaking American.
DODO: I must be going.
(DODO rushes away)
DALLAS: She’s out of here faster than a skunk on bath day.
(DALLAS stops CITIZEN next)
DALLAS (CONT.): Howdy, Partner. The name’s Dallas. I was wondering if you could help out a feller.
CITIZEN: Sorry, I don’t speak your language.
DALLAS: Well, I understand you.
CITIZEN: Perhaps a soldier can be of help. Oh, Jack!!
(JACK of Spades approaches and CITIZEN rushes off)
JACK: What’s going on here?
DALLAS: I’m wondering the same thing.
JACK: Oh, you haven’t been processed yet. Eat this.
(JACK pulls out a gummy worm)
DALLAS: What’s that?
JACK: It’s a rewordo worm. Put it in your mouth and it makes it so we can understand you.
DALLAS: Last time I put something in my mouth, I ended up here.
JACK: Go ahead. It won’t hurt.
(DALLAS puts worm in his mouth)
DALLAS: Hey, that tastes kind of good.
JACK: It has a pleasant flavor at first...
DALLAS: At first?
(DALLAS gets a crazy face)
JACK: Then it changes to an odd taste when it starts to work.
DALLAS: That there tastes terrible! It’s like licking a lizard.
JACK: Indeed. I can understand you now.
DALLAS: Good. Now tell me what’s going on here.
JACK: What do you mean?
DALLAS: What is this place?
JACK: This is Dunderland.
DALLAS: Dunderland? Where’s that?
JACK: It’s here.
DALLAS: Where is here?
JACK: Not there.
DALLAS: I mean, am I still in Texas?
JACK: No, you are not in Texas anymore.
DALLAS: Can you tell me how to get back there?
JACK: You don’t. Everyone here is from somewhere else. But they’ve all learned to adapt and become good citizens of Dunderland.
DALLAS: Well, sorry. But I’m set on returning home. There has to be a way.
JACK: You could talk to the King of Clubs or Queen of Diamonds. They seem to know about here, there and elsewhere.
DALLAS: Fine. Where do I find them?
JACK: The Queen of Diamonds is always shopping so you can find her at the mall.
DALLAS: And the King?
JACK: You will find him at one of the nightclubs in town, but only after midnight.
DALLAS: I’ll see if I can round up the queen then.
JACK: Good luck.
(JACK exits. DODO walks by again. DALLAS stops her)
DALLAS: Excuse me. Which way to the mall?
DODO: Oh, good. You must have eaten a rewordo worm. I can understand you now.
DALLAS: That thing left a terrible taste in my mouth though. Its flavor is something awful.
DODO: Here, try one of my sweets. That will fix it.
DALLAS: Don’t mind if I do.
DODO: They’ll make you forget all about that worm.
DALLAS: What kind of sweets are these?
DODO: They’re forgetful sweets. They’ll fix everything.
DALLAS: Forget? Forget what?
DODO: Exactly.
DALLAS: Oh…
(DALLAS is confused)
DODO: That should make everything all better. Now you can fit in and be one of us.
(COACHELLA CAT appears on stage with a big smile and greets DALLAS)
COACHELLA: ‘Ello! Ooz dis?
DODO: Someone new.
COACHELLA: New? How do you do?
DALLAS: Not sure. I’m not sure about much of anything right now.
COACHELLA: Who are you?
DALLAS: That’s the trouble. I ain’t sure who I is.
COACHELLA: Wonderful!
DODO: Delightful.
DALLAS: Is it? How you reckon?
COACHELLA: Since you don’t know yourself, we can make this a guessing game.
DODO: A game!
COACHELLA: Yes! We can try and guess who you are, where you’re from and what you do.
DALLAS: But I don’t remember any of that.
COACHELLA: Maybe the game will help?
DALLAS: Maybe. I reckon it wouldn’t hurt none.
COACHELLA: Is your name… pickle?
DALLAS: Pickle? That’s a mighty weird name.
COACHELLA: Are you from Albuquerque?
DALLAS: Albuquerque? That’s a pretty weird name too.
COACHELLA: And your job… you must be a frump farmer!
DALLAS: Farmer eh? That sounds kind of right.
COACHELLA: I knew it. Welcome to Dunderland, Pickle! I’m glad you made it here all the way from Albuquerque. How are those frumps doing these days?
DALLAS: Hopping around like crazy I imagine.
DODO: Are you remembering something?
DALLAS: Almost… almost seems like I can remember something about a farm. But my head is still all fuzzy.
COACHELLA: Fuzzy as a frump?
DALLAS: Yeah, I reckon so.
DALLAS: And it seems like I was going somewhere, but now I don’t right remember now.
COACHELLA: I believe you were going to find a nice place to relax and take a nap.
(DALLAS wanders dazed to a place to sit)
DALLAS: Is that right? Well, that does sound good right now.
(DALLAS leans back and puts hat over face to rest)
COACHELLA: Sweet dreams.
(COACHELLA hums a tune and inspects DALLAS and tries to steal boots. DALLAS suddenly sits up and puts hat back on top of head)
DALLAS: Wait a minute… I don’t think that’s right. I’m trying to get somewhere.
(COACHELLA has one boot)
DALLAS: Hey, there, partner. I believe that’s my boot.
COACHELLA: Are you sure?
DALLAS: It matches the other one on my other foot.
COACHELLA: Maybe you took that one from me?
DALLAS: Give it back or suffer the consequences. I’ve wrastled bulls bigger than you and twisted the horns right off their heads.
(COACHELLA gives the boot back)
COACHELLA: Fine. You don’t have to get graphic about it.
DALLAS: Thank you, kindly.
(COACHELLA hums a tune as DALLAS puts boot back on. DALLAS looks around confused)
COACHELLA: What you looking for?
DALLAS: I’m not sure. I’m all mixed up in my head now.
COACHELLA: Don’t worry your little head. Let’s sing a song instead.
(COACHELLA sings and dances. Other people like CITIZENS and DODO can join in)
SONG: "After You Get What You Want, You Don't Want It" (1920)
- Irving Berlin
[1st verse:]
Listen to me, honey dear
Something's wrong with you I fear
It's getting harder to please you
Harder and harder each year
I don't want to make you blue
But you need a talking to
Like a lot of people I know
Here's what's wrong with you
[Refrain:]
After you get what you want, you don't want it
If I gave you the moon, you'd grow tired of it soon
You're like a baby
You want what you want when you want it
But after you are presented
With what you want, you're discontented
You're always wishing and wanting for something
When you get what you want
You don't want what you get
And tho' I sit upon your knee
You'll grow tired of me
'Cause after you get what you want
You don't want what you wanted at all
[2nd verse:]
Don't you say that I'm unkind
Think it over and you'll find
You've got a changeable nature
You're always changing your mind
There's a longing in your eye
That is hard to satisfy
You're unhappy most of the time
Here's the reason why
[Refrain:]
After you get what you want, you don't want it
If I gave you the moon, you'd grow tired of it soon
You're like a baby
You want what you want when you want it
But after you are presented
With what you want, you're discontented
You're always wishing and wanting for something
When you get what you want
You don't want what you get
And tho' I sit upon your knee
You'll grow tired of me
'Cause after you get what you want
You don't want what you wanted at all
(CITIZENS, DODO and JACK wander around again)
DALLAS: That’s some fine singing and dancing there, kitty cat.
COACHELLA: Thank you, kindly.
DALLAS: So where would I go if I want to remember something?
COACHELLA: You might try to Batty Barista.
DALLAS: The who?
END OF SCENE
(BATTY BARISTA rushes in with a drink cart and nearly crashes into DALLAS and then continues to rush around while tooting with a kazoo. DALLAS dodges and runs. CITIZENS scatter and dodge. COACHELLA disappears in the confusion. BATTY suddenly stops and makes a latte machine sound)
BATTY: Get your drinks here. Get em hot, get em cold. Get em fresh. Get em old.
(Makes more latte machine sounds)
DALLAS: Might you be the Batty Barista?
BATTY: Batty? Batty! Who called me Batty?!
DALLAS: Sorry…
BATTY: That’s okay, because I am. Batty I tell you. I got bats in the belfry. And bats in me knee. There’s bats everywhere I see. What can I get you today, laddie?
DALLAS: I seem to have forgotten something and I need help remembering.
BATTY: You need yourself a memory mocha.
DALLAS: Sure, I’ll try one of those.
BATTY: I’ll whip one right up.
(BATTY makes latte machine sounds)
DALLAS: I’d be most thankful.
BATTY: So… how you been? I’ve been wonderful. What you up to today? I’m working all day. You have some fun plans? I have so many wonderful plans today. You want to be besties? I want be your BFF.
DALLAS: Just hand over the drink, partner, and no one will get hurt.
BATTY: One memory mocha. Extra frothy.
(DALLAS takes a sip)
DALLAS: That’s mighty… weird.
BATTY: What goes down, must come up again.
DALLAS: Uh… I don’t feel so good.
BATTY: Remember yet?
DALLAS: Yeah, it’s coming up. Along with that forgetful sweet. You got yourself a spittoon around here. Maybe… maybe at the mall! That’s where I was going. The mall!
BATTY: It’s that a way.
(DALLAS rushes in the direction BATTY points)
BATTY (CONT): Or was it that way. Oh, well.
(DUNDERDEE and DUNDERDOO enter dressed as cartoony little kids and join BATTY in a song and dance)
(BATTY sings “Everybody's Crazy 'Bout the Doggone Blues”)
SONG: Everybody's Crazy 'Bout the Doggone Blues (1918)
Lyrics:
1. Blues ain’t nothin’ but the
Easy goin’ heart disease
Brother stop your moanin’
Blues can’t make you warmer
If you’re bound to freeze
Sister stop your groanin’
Why don’t you rise and shine
Take dem blues right off your mind
‘Cause the blues ain’t nothin’
But the easy goin’ heart disease
That’s all! Lawd!
Chorus:
Everybody’s crazy ’bout the doggone blues
But I’m happy, (whew) yes happy, (whew)
Everybody’s crazy, but if I must choose
No doggone blues for mine
I gets aplenty to eat, I never worry
Shoes on my feet, don’t have to hurry
I’m not afraid, my rent is paid
And I can sleep at ninety-four in the shade
Everybody’s singing lotta bad old news
But I’m happy, (whew) yes happy, (whew)
Life’s too doggone short to weep and whine
Dem home sickness blues, Lawd! take ’em away
Every body’s crazy ’bout the doggone blues
But I’m happy all of the time, (whew)
END OF SCENE
(BATTY exits. DUNDERDEE and DUNDERDOO see DALLAS and approach)
DUNDERDOO: How do you do?
DUNDERDEE: I’m Dunderdee.
DUNDERDOO: And I’m Dunderdoo.
DALLAS: My name’s Dallas. Nice to meet you.
DUNDERDEE: Delighted.
DUNDERDOO: Let’s shake.
(DALLAS holds out hand but DUNDERDEE and DUNDERDOO shakes their bodies instead and then laugh)
DALLAS: You’re a peppy pair.
DUNDERDEE: The peppiest.
DUNDERDOO: Who do you think is peppier?
DALLAS: You’re both pretty peppy.
DUNDERDEE: Pretty? You think I’m pretty.
DUNDERDOO: Dallas said I’m pretty.
DALLAS: Now… wait… I…
DUNDERDEE: Everyone knows I’m the pretty one.
DUNDERDOO: That’s a lie. I’ve always been prettier than you.
DALLAS: Wait just a gol-darn minute. I wasn’t saying nothing like that.
DUNDERDEE: That’s it! It’s over! You’re no longer my BFF!
DUNDERDOO: Fine! Good! Great!
(DUNDERDEE AND DUNDERDOO makes faces at each other and then sing: “I Don't Want To Play in Your Yard”)
SONG: “I Don't Want To Play in Your Yard” (1894)
Once there lived side-by-side two little maids
Both of them dressed alike, hair down in braids
Both in white pinafores, stockings of red
Little sunbonnets tied to each pretty head
When school was over secrets they'd tell
Whispering arm in arm down in the dell
One day a quarrel came, big tears were shed
“You can't play in our yard”, but the other said,
Chorus: I don't want to play in your yard
I don't like you any more
You'll be sorry when you see me
Sliding down our cellar door
You shan't holler down our rain barrel
You shan't climb our apple tree
I don't want to play in your yard
If you won't be good to me.
DALLAS: Now, now. Can’t you two get along? You seemed like such good friends when you got here.
DUNDERDOO: Not anymore!
DUNDERDEE: It’s over.
DALLAS: It’s tough finding a good friend. Don’t let something this great go to waste. You two seem like the perfect pair.
DUNDERDOO: Dallas called us perfect.
DUNDERDEE: The perfect pair.
DALLAS: And you’re only perfect as a pair. Like salt and pepper. Sugar and spice. Meat and potatoes.
DUNDERDOO: That’s so true.
DUNDERDEE: Dallas is right.
DALLAS: Well, I’m happier than a tick on a bloodhound that you’s friends again.
DUNDERDOO: We are too.
DUNDERDEE: Anything we can do to help you in return?
DUNDERDOO: Yes! What can we do for you?
DALLAS: I need to find the mall. I’m looking for the Queen of Diamonds.
DUNDERDEE: She is always shopping.
DUNDERDOO: Let’s go to the mall!
END OF SCENE
(DUNDERDEE and DUNDERDOO grab DALLAS by the arms and dance to the mall. CITIZENS bring various carts onto stage with names such as Orange Juiciest, Wish & Wash Works, RadShack, EZPenny, CinnaYum. CITIZENS pay the KING OF DIAMONDS for their spots as he sings:)
Song: "By Heck" (1915)
KING OF DIAMONDS sings:
Old Josh who came to town from Oskaloosa
To sell his oldest milking brindle cow
Said he, “Now she’s a reg’lar lallapaloosa”
Betch yer forty dollars she will fetch ten beans
By Heck! this is a rattling lively city
By Gosh! just look at all those ‘lectric cars
By Gum! it surely is a doggone pity
Didn’t put a half a dollar in my jeans”
Chorus:
KING OF DIAMONDS: Oh what a town, makes me feel just like a clown
Here I’m walking up and down
With a cow, by Heck! wow!
I’m some darn fool, I’m a devil as a rule
Guess I’ll swap ‘er for a mule
My jewel, it’s cruel, by Heck!
Oh! what a town
CITIZEN: Honest to goodness I am sore.
KING OF DIAMONDS: Makes me feel just like a clown
CITIZEN: Never come back here any more.
KING OF DIAMONDS: Here I’m walking up and down
CITIZEN: With a valise.
KING OF DIAMONDS: And a cow…
CITIZEN: Where’s the police?,
KING OF DIAMONDS: by Heck! wow!
CITIZEN: I’m some darn fool like a kid just out of school.
KING OF DIAMONDS: I’m a devil as a rule
CITIZEN: I’m the village constabule.
KING OF DIAMONDS: Guess I’ll swap ‘er for a mule
CITIZEN: Dollar to bootl
KING OF DIAMONDS: My jewel…
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: Isn’t she cute?
CITIZEN: It’s cruel,
KING OF DIAMONDS: By Heck! wow!
(KING OF DIAMONDS happily holds up his money. QUEEN OF DIAMONDS takes it)
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: Thank you, my dear.
(QUEEN OF DIAMONDS shops around as DALLAS enters)
DUNDERDEE: There she is.
DUNDERDOO: Shopping as usual.
DALLAS: Thank you, Dunderdee and Dunderdoo.
DUNDERDEE: I want a CinnaYum.
DUNDERDOO: And an Orange Juiciest.
DALLAS: Have fun.
(DALLAS goes up to QUEEN OF DIAMONDS)
DALLAS (CONT.): Pardon me, Ma’am.
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: What are you selling?
DALLAS: I’m not selling anything.
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: Then I’m not interested in buying.
DALLAS: But I was told you could help me get home.
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: Oh, you’re from Elsewhere.
DALLAS: Well, I ain’t from Dunderland.
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: But everyone loves Dunderland. Why would you want to leave?
DALLAS: Well, I know where I come from ain’t as flashy and exciting as this place, but I recon I belong there. It’s got my family and I miss them. I was sure I wanted an adventure, to go somewhere exciting and different, but now that I’m here, I can’t stop thinking about home. Why is that?
KING OF DIAMONDS: I am moved by your story, my young friend. What a challenge you face. I thirst for adventure and a love for home. Your heart must be torn nearly in half by the conflict inside you.
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: Poor little one. How can you endure such a burden inside you?
KING OF DIAMONDS: Tell my queen your sad story. She loves a sad story.
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: I do not.
KING OF DIAMONDS: Trust me. I’ll make her day. Something touching. Something meaningful. Something personal. If you do, I will help you.
DALLAS: Really? You’ll help me get home?
KING OF DIAMONDS: On my honor. But first, you must touch her heart with your terrible tale of missing home.
DALLAS: Home sweet home. How I miss it so.
(DALLAS sings “Home Sweet Home”)
SONG: “Home Sweet Home” (1823)
Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home
A charm from the skies seems to hallow us there
Which seek thro' the world, is ne'er met elsewhere
Home! Home!
Sweet, sweet home!
There's no place like home
There's no place like home!
An exile from home splendor dazzles in vain
Oh give me my lowly thatched cottage again
The birds singing gaily that came at my call
And gave me the peace of mind dearer than all
Home, home, sweet, sweet home
There's no place like home, there's no place like home!
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: You’ve driven me to tears.
(QUEEN OF DIAMONDS glitter tears [hidden in tissue]. KING OF DIAMONDS rushes over and cleans them up)
DALLAS: Are you… crying diamonds?
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: Diamond tears… it’s beautiful isn’t it?
KING OF DIAMONDS: I love it when she cries.
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: You only hurt the one you love.
KING OF DIAMONDS: Thank you for your sad story. That was most profitable.
DALLAS: You’re welcome… I think…
(KING OF DIAMONDS rushes off happily)
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: It’s quite all right. The King is pleased. And when the King is pleased, that means more shopping for me.
DALLAS: Well, I’m glad I could help.
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: And now I will help you in return. I can send you home but you need to bring me something.
DALLAS: Sure, anything.
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: You must bring me the shoes of the King and Queen of Clubs.
DALLAS: Oh… you think they’ll be okay parting with their shoes?
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: Not their regular shoes… I want their magical dancing shoes.
DALLAS: How are magic shoes going to help me get home?
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: Those shoes not only make a person dance, but they also help you walk across the time and space… they open up new dimensions and traverse the multiverse.
DALLAS: I really have no idear what you’re talking about, but I will do my best to get them shoes. I do want to skeedaddle back home.
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: Excellent. You will be handsomely rewarded. I have some wonderful coupons I’d be happy to share with you.
DALLAS: Getting back home is good enough for me. How do I find the King and Queen of Clubs?
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: They only appear at night. So you must wait until the sun goes down and they will come.
DALLAS: I guess I better hunker down and take a nap so I’m ready.
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: There’s a lovely flower bed over there you can rest on. Sweet dreams.
(QUEEN OF DIAMONDS exits with CITIZENS who clear the mall)
END OF SCENE
(FLOWERS, TIGERLILY, DANDYLION and ROSE, gather around a bed with a flower pattern blanket covering it. DALLAS goes over to the bed and sits)
DALLAS: That’s pretty comfy.
TIGERLILY: For you! But not for us. Grrr!
DANDYLION: Rawr! That hurts.
DALLAS: What’s wrong?
ROSE: You sat on us, that’s what’s wrong.
(ROSE pokes DALLAS with her thorn)
DALLAS: Yowch!
(DALLAS jumps up)
TIGERLILY: How would you like it if someone sat on you?
DALLAS: Depends how big they were.
DANDYLION: That’s a good point.
ROSE: When they’re as big as you… it’s terrible!
DALLAS: Hey, now.
TIGERLILY: Don’t you know anything about flowers?
DALLAS: Well, they’re pretty.
(MOCK TURTLE enters behind them and is crying softly in the background)
DANDYLION: You’re right about that.
DALLAS: And smell good.
ROSE: True… some better than others.
TIGERLILY: Why’d you look at me when you said that?
ROSE: Why would I want to look at you?
TIGERLILY: Why wouldn’t you look at me? You saying I’m ugly?
(MOCK TURTLE cries louder)
MOCK TURTLE: None of you are as ugly as me!
DANDYLION: Rawr! Go away Turtle.
MOCK TURTLE: If only I were a turtle, I wouldn’t be so ugly.
DALLAS: Now, now, partner. Come out here and stop your blubbering.
(MOCK TURTLE comes out from behind flowers)
DANDYLION: Rawr! Take it away. Talk about bad smells.
ROSE: The worst.
MOCK TURTLE: I know, I know. I smell dreadful.
DALLAS: I’ve smelled worse. Don’t you mind them.
MOCK TURTLE: It’s so hard being me. Everyone makes fun of me. They say I’m ugly. It makes me sad.
DALLAS: My mama always says to sing a song when I’m sad.
MOCK TURTLE: Would you sing me a song?
DALLAS: Sure thing, partner.
(DALLAS uses a song to cheer up the MOCK TURTLE)
SONG: “Keep Smiling at Trouble (Trouble’s a Bubble)”
When you’ve learned that life
Is what you make it
Then you know the secret of it all
Find your share of happiness
And take it
Make life a song
As you go along
Keep smiling at trouble
For trouble’s a bubble
And bubbles will soon go away
With never a sadness
And nothing but gladness
We’d weary of life in a day
Be like the violets that doze ‘neath the chilled winter snows
They bravely wait for the May
So keep smiling at trouble
For trouble’s a bubble
And bubbles will soon go away
So keep smiling at trouble
For trouble’s a bubble
And bubbles will soon go away
And bubbles will soon go away
MOCK TURTLE: What’s this? What’s this on my face? It feels so strange.
DALLAS: That there is a smile, partner.
MOCK TURTLE: A smile? You made me smile?
DALLAS: Indeedy-do.
MOCK TURTLE: I like how that feels.
DALLAS: And I like helping you. Helping others does a lot of good. Sometimes I get to thinking too much about myself, about what I want and what I don’t have. Mama always told me that it’s more important to think about others. And helping you just proved that. I feel way better doing something nice for you rather than worrying about myself so much.
MOCK TURTLE: Sounds like we helped each other.
DALLAS: We’ve filled each other’s buckets.
MOCK TURTLE: We did?
DALLAS: Yup, that’s a story I always heard growing up. Be a bucket filler. Each of us has these invisible buckets we carry around. When we are on'ry and mean, then we dip into another person’s bucket. When someone is mean all the time and when people get picked on all the time, they get empty buckets. Empty buckets leave us sad and upset. But bucket fillin’ makes it all better. When you’re nice and kind and friendly, that fills up someone else’s bucket and makes them happy. And when you fill another person’s bucket, you fill your own. You can do something big like a good deed or even something small like a smile can fill a bucket.
MOCK TURTLE: Then I’m gonna keep on smiling.
DALLAS: And I have a smile right back at you.
MOCK TURTLE: We’re filling those buckets!
DALLAS: That’s right!
MOCK TURTLE: Thank you for helping me. I can’t thank you enough for those smiles. Anything I can do for you?
DALLAS: I’m just so gul-dern tired. And I gotta stay up late. Those flowers wouldn’t give me a place to rest.
MOCK TURTLE: Need help napping? I know an expert napper. The Griffin!
DALLAS: A Griffin?
MOCK TURTLE: That Griffin is the laziest creature in all of Dunderland. Boy oh boy, does he know how to nap.
DALLAS: How do we find the Griffin?
MOCK TURTLE: He’s usually sleeping on some cloud, floating around here somewhere.
(GRIFFIN rolls in on a cloud, sleeping pushing himself along [something like a wagon can be decorated like a cloud for the GRIFFIN to ride on])
DALLAS: That him?
MOCK TURTLE: Sure is. Good eye.
DALLAS: That cloud looks mighty comfortable.
GRIFFIN: It is. Oh it is! There’s nothing softer than a cloud and it fits perfectly to your body. No lumps or bumps or spring digging into your side. It’s heavenly.
MOCK TURTLE: My friend here needs a place to nap. Could you help us out?
GRIFFIN: Of course! I’d be happy to share. There are clouds everywhere.
(GRIFFIN claps and makes a funny animal sound. A cloud rolls out for DALLAS)
DALLAS: A cloud for me?
GRIFFIN: Try it. You’ll like it.
(DALLAS climbs on the cloud and gets comfortable)
DALLAS: That’s softer than a bag of goose feathers.
GRIFFIN: There’s nothing softer.
MOCK TURTLE: Have a good sleep, my friend.
DALLAS: Thanks, partner. You’ve filled my bucket.
MOCK TURTLE: You’ve filled mine too.
GRIFFIN: Sounds like you both found the silver lining.
DALLAS: The silver lining?
GRIFFIN: That’s why I love the clouds, because behind every cloud is a silver lining. Something special waits for each of us behind every cloud.
GRIFFIN sings: “Look for the Silver Lining” (1920)
Please don’t be offended
If I preach to you a while
Tears are out of place in eyes
That were meant to smile
There’s a way to make
Your very biggest troubles small
Here’s the happy secret of it all
Chorus:
Look for the silver lining
When e’er a cloud appears in the blue
Remember somewhere the sun is shining
And so the right thing to do
Is make it shine for you
A heart full of joy and gladness
Will always banish sadness and strife
So always look for the silver lining
And try to find the sunny side of life
(DALLAS yawns and snores)
MOCK TURTLE: Looks like Dallas’s silver lining was a nap.
GRIFFIN: That’s a nice silver lining indeed.
(An instrumental version of “Look for the Silver Lining” continues to play as they all fall asleep and lights go to black)
END OF SCENE
(In darkness, a powerful instrumental version of “Ballin’ the Jack” suddenly plays and a crowd of CITIZENS cheer as lights come up. Everyone is dancing. DALLAS and MOCK TURTLE tumbled out of their clouds. GRIFFIN lazily rolls around on his cloud)
DALLAS: What in tarnation is going on?
MOCK TURTLE: It’s the King and Queen of Club’s nightly dance contest.
DALLAS: This is exactly where I need to be. Thanks to both of you.
GRIFFIN: My pleasure. Always happy to share my clouds. Sweet dreams.
(GRIFFIN’s cloud floats away and exits)
MOCK TURTLE: So you’re going to join the dance contest?
DALLAS: I have to win first prize too.
MOCK TURTLE: The magic shoes?
DALLAS: Yes, that’s how I’m going to get home.
MOCK TURTLE: Can you dance?
DALLAS: Does a cow give milk?
MOCK TURTLE: I’m not sure.
DALLAS: Indeed she does. Thanks for the help. That nap made me feel mighty refreshed.
MOCK TURTLE: Of course! It’s nice helping others.
DALLAS: See, doesn’t that make you feel good. You filled my bucket by helping and I filled yours.
MOCK TURTLE: Indubitably.
DALLAS: Let’s dance and win them dancing shoes.
(KING of CLUBS (KC) and QUEEN of CLUBS (QC) sing “Ballin’ the Jack” Dean Martin & Peggy Barton version. Everyone starts dancing during the song, taking turns showing their moves. DALLAS joins in the contest)
SONG: “Ballin’ the Jack”
(KC) Here's a new dance we oughta show 'em how to do
(QC) This is the chance to really show them something new
(KC) Are you ready
(QC) Ready and waiting sir (KC) Well ok
First you put your two knees close up tight
(KC) Then you sway 'em to the left and then you sway 'em to the right
(KC) Step around the floor kinda nice and light
(Both) Then you twist around twist around with all of your might
(KC) Put your loving arms straight out in space
(Both) Do the easy rock with style and grace
(KC) Swing your foot way around and bring it back
(KC) Now that's what I call ballin' the jack
First you put your two knees close up tight
(KC) Then you sway 'em to the left and then you sway 'em to the right
(KC) Step around the floor kinda nice and light
(Both) Then you twist around twist around with all of your might
(KC) Put your loving arms straight out in space
(Both) Do the easy rock with style and grace
(KC) Swing your foot way around and bring it back
(KC) Now that's what I call ballin' the jack
Your knees are tight
(QC) Then you sway 'em (KC) Done (QC) To the left to the right
(QC) Step around the floor kinda nice and light
(Both) Then twist with all of your might
(QC) Put your arms in space
(QC) You do the easy rock with style and grace
(QC) Swing your foot way around and then bring it back
(Both) Well that's what we call ballin' the jack
Knees up tight
(Both) To the left to the right
(Both) Step around the floor kinda nice and light
(Both) Then twist with all of your might
(Both) Put your arms out in space
(Both) Do the easy rock with form and grace
(Both) Your foot came around and bring it back
(Both) That's what we call ballin' the jack
(Both) Get your loving arms
(Both) With style and grace
(Both) Swing your foot way around
(Both) And bring it back
(Both) That's what we call ballin' the jack
(Music continues and the dance contest goes on. KING OF CLUBS and QUEEN OF CLUBS judge the dancers and remove them one by one until only DALLAS remains. Everyone cheers for DALLAS)
KING OF CLUBS: We have a new winner!
QUEEN OF CLUBS: Our new dance champion.
KING OF CLUBS: What’s your name, kid?
DALLAS: Dallas.
QUEEN OF CLUBS: Let’s hear it for Dallas everyone.
(EVERYONE cheers)
KING OF CLUBS: The winner of our dance contest gets the magic shoes.
(EVERYONE gets excited as the KING OF CLUB removes his shoes and hands them to DALLAS. DALLAS is shocked at how bad they smell)
DALLAS: Whoa there, partner. You wear these to the barnyard before you got here? Yikes!
KING OF CLUBS: That’s the smell of magic.
DALLAS: That ain’t what I imagined magic would smell like, that’s for sure.
QUEEN OF CLUB: Will you stay and dance some more?
DALLAS: Naw… I have to mosey on back home. I miss my mama.
QUEEN OF CLUB: Aw… isn’t that sweet?
KING OF CLUBS: Safe journey, kid!
QUEEN OF CLUB: And you’re welcome to come back any time and show us your moves. That was some mighty fine dancing.
DALLAS: And you’re all welcome to visit Texas any time. We all know how to dance like that down there.
(MUSIC plays and everyone follows KING OF CLUBS and QUEEN OF CLUBS off stage dancing. DALLAS tears up at the smell of the shoes. KING OF DIAMOND enters)
KING OF DIAMONDS: Are you crying?
DALLAS: Yes, it’s these gol-darn shoes. They smell worse than an onion in a cow pie.
(QUEEN OF DIAMONDS rushes in)
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: Did you get them? I thought I smelled them over there. That delightful smell of club magic.
DALLAS: Delightful? Dangerous maybe, but not delightful.
(QUEEN OF DIAMONDS grabs the shoes and takes a big whiff)
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: They bring tears to my eyes.
(KING OF DIAMONDS gets excited and ready to get diamonds that might fall)
DALLAS: Mine too.
(CITIZENS bring in baskets of shoes)
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: This does it! We finally have enough shoes!
KING OF DIAMOND: I will count them. I love to count.
QUEEN OF DIAMOND: Look at these shoes. Isn’t it neat? My collection’s finally complete.
DALLAS: Who needs so many shoes?
(DUMBLEDOO and DUMBLEDEE lead in CATERPILLAR)
DUMBLEDOO: Hurry, hurry. Come and see.
DUMBLEDEE: See what the Queen has for you.
CATERPILLAR: I’m coming. I’m coming. Don’t rush me. My feet are killing me.
QUEEN OF DIAMOND: Hello, friend, Caterpillar. I have wonderful news. Come and see all these wonderful shoes?
CATERPILLAR: Shoes?!
QUEEN OF DIAMOND: And not just any shoes, for I know how sensitive your feet are. These are magical shoes. Each and everyone one.
CATERPILLAR: How delightful!
(CITIZENS help CATERPILLAR try on shoes)
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: What do you think?
CATERPILLAR: Wonderful! Wonderful! They all feel so good.
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: And in return…
CATERPILLAR: There’s always a catch.
QUEEN OF DIAMOND: You must help with a couple problems…
CATERPILLAR: How may I help?
QUEEN OF DIAMOND: First, I would like the magical shopping bag returned to me.
CATERPILLAR: But that’s where I keep all my vegetables
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: You promised you would return them if I found you some good shoes.
CATERPILLAR: These shoes are rather nice. Fine… I will give you back your bags.
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: And…
CATERPILLAR: There’s more?
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: Our friend here helped us get the shoes. In return, you will help Dallas get home.
CATERPILLAR: Home? Where’s home?
DALLAS: Texas.
CATERPILLAR: Never heard of it.
DALLAS: You’ve never heard of Texas?!
DALLAS (sings): The stars at night are big and bright…
(DALLAS claps four times),
DALLAS (and any of the members of the audience from Texas, sings): Deep in the heart of Texas.
CATERPILLAR: Oh! That Texas.
DALLAS: Can you get me back there?
CATERPILLAR: I have the secret to the way home. You must eat a certain magical vegetable. I have two such magical vegetables right here, a broccoli and a mushroom. The broccoli will take you home; the mushroom will take you on a great adventure that will last your entire lifetime!
DODO: Pick the adventure! It’s what you’ve always dreamed of.
COACHELLA CAT: Why go back to your boring old home? This is a once in a lifetime chance.
DALLAS: But what if my life will be cut short by the adventure? It might last a lifetime but what if that life is shortened by the adventure?
CATERPILLAR: Wise words. You’re thinking. A long life the mushroom will not guarantee. So what will it be?
DALLAS: Thank you all for your help. You’re a mighty fine bunch of folk here in Dunderland. As much as I liked you all, I really need to get back home.
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS: How touching.
(Sniffles and KING OF DIAMONDS gets excited)
DALLAS: Give me that broccoli.
MOCK TURTLE: You’re mama will be so happy.
BATTY: Want me to mix that in a drink of something for ya?
DALLAS: Naw, that’s okay. I can eat it raw.
MOCK TURTLE: Farewell, my friend. Safe journey.
(DALLAS picks a broccoli and eats it. Holds tummy)
DALLAS: Oh my tummy. That there is a belt buster. I think I’m gonna explode.
DODO: Run!
COACHELLA CAT: Clear the area!
(DALLAS holds stomach and there is a loud rumbling sound)
BATTY: Something big is brewing!
DODO: Let’s get out of here.
(EVERYONE runs away screaming and clears the stage. More rumbling, lights flash, then lights go out)
END OF SCENE
(Darkness… DALLAS farts again. After a moment, a dim light appears and reveals RABBIT)
RABBIT: Hello, Dallas.
DALLAS: Hey, you look just like one of Mama’s rabbits.
RABBIT: That’s because I am one.
DALLAS: But you can talk. Does that mean you’re in Dunderland too?
RABBIT: Yes, but I’m here to take you home.
DALLAS: That’s the best news I’ve heard all day.
RABBIT: Hop this way and follow me.
(RABBIT hops into the darkness and DALLAS shrugs and hops after. Lights rise more and MAMA wanders out sadly with some carrots)
MAMA: I wonder where Dallas has gone.
(DALLAS runs to MAMA)
DALLAS: I’m here, Mama!
MAMA: Dallas! Where have you been? I thought something terrible happened to you.
(MAMA gives DALLAS a huge hug. RABBIT grabs the carrots from MAMA’s hands)
DALLAS: I’m okay, Mama. I’m okay.
MAMA: It’s good to have you home. I got worried when you said you wanted adventure and to ride off into the sunset and all that malarkey.
DALLAS: I did have myself a little adventure, but I kept thinking about home the whole time. The longer I was gone, the more I missed you and this little farm.
MAMA: I missed you too, Dallas. But if going on an adventure makes you happier to be here, then I’m glad you went.
DALLAS: The more I saw, the more I was thankful for what I have here.
MAMA: There’s no place like home.
DALLAS: Home sweet home.
(They sing: “Home Sweet Home” together)
Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home
A charm from the skies seems to hallow us there
Which seek thro' the world, is ne'er met elsewhere
Home! Home!
Sweet, sweet home!
There's no place like home
There's no place like home!
An exile from home splendor dazzles in vain
Oh give me my lowly thatched cottage again
The birds singing gaily that came at my call
And gave me the peace of mind dearer than all
Home, home, sweet, sweet home
There's no place like home, there's no place like home!
To thee I'll return, overburdened with care;
The heart's dearest solace will smile on me there;
No more from that cottage again will I roam;
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like Home.
Home! Home! sweet sweet Home!
There's no place like Home! There's no place like Home!
END OF PLAY
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