Horrible Hansel and Greedy Gretel
By D. M. Larson
CAST OF CHARACTERS (15+)
HANSEL and GRETEL: Mean, messy children who eat too much and love to spread false rumors to cause problems.
COOKIE: Main chef and owner of Cookie’s Candy Castle.
JOLLY: Baker who loves puns.
ROLO: Taste tester.
COCO: Marketing specialist.
LOLLI: Customer
WOLF: Customer who loves pigs in a blanket
OLD WOMAN: Customer looking for a treat for her friend, Snow White.
GOLDILOCKS: Blond girl who loves gummy bears.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: A little magical person who can turn things into gold.
ROCKY and CANE: Soldiers of the Queen.
QUEEN: The royal leader of the land who wears hearts on her royal robes.
PIED PIPER: The local school teacher who uses a magic recorder to keep children under control.
EXTRAS: Factory workers and customers who interact in the background. More soldiers can follow QUEEN around as well.
SCENE: Cookie’s Candy Castle (Treat Factory)
(Not only is Cookie’s Candy Castle where they make treats, but it looks like the entire building itself is made out of candy. Everyone is rushing around getting treats ready to sell. There is a big sign that says Grand Opening in big letters with smaller letter that say free samples)
COOKIE: Everyone ready for our grand opening?
JOLLY: You can’t rush confection, Cookie.
COOKIE: It’s almost time, Jolly. Let’s do the finishing touches. Customers should be arriving any minute..
ROLO: I sampled everything… it’s all ready.
COOKIE: Everything?
ROLO: I ate one of each.
COOKIE: But Rolo… there must be a hundred different types of treats…
ROLO: Indeed. They’re all delicious, Cookie. You’re a master chef.
COOKIE: You’re going to burst, Rolo.
ROLO: I can’t resist. I must try them all. Thank you for letting me work in this amazing place as your taste tester. It’s a dream come true.
COOKIE: I hope you all love doing your jobs as much as I love working with all of you. And I hope our customers will feel the same way.
COCO: They will. They can’t help but fall in love with all these fantastic foods.
COOKIE: You really think this is going to work, Coco?
COCO: People are all a buzz about our candy factory. I mean what could be more amazing than an entire factory built out of candy! Everyone is talking about it, Cookie. I knew it would get everyone’s attention in the kingdom. And once they taste these terrific treats, they’ll be hooked.
COOKIE: Thanks, Coco. I knew I could count on your master marketing skills.
COCO: And today’s free tour and treat taste testing should seal the deal. I just know that everyone around the kingdom will show up for it.
COOKIE: It’s almost time everyone.
JOLLY: Sweet things come to those who wait.
(COCO looks outside)
COCO: The first customers have arrived!
ROLO: Hey! They’re eating the building!
COOKIE: Hurry! Open the doors.
JOLLY: Oh, dear! I’ll get them.
(JOLLY exits)
COCO: Can someone go fix that wall that kid took a bite out of? I didn’t think anyone would actually take a bite out of the building.
ROLO: It does look mighty tasty. I have to resist the urge myself. We’ll get that fixed right up.
(ROLO exits as JOLLY brings in HANSEL and GRETEL. They each have a chunk of the building they are chewing on. They are mean looking, messy children)
COCO: Welcome to Cookie’s Candy Castle where all your culinary dreams come true. We are so glad you came for our tour.
HANSEL: Whatever. Where’s the free samples?
COOKIE: We have this wonderful sample tray of…
GRETEL: Yummy!
(HANSEL and GRETEL drop the building pieces and start grabbing all the samples. They eat some and stuff others in their pockets)
COOKIE: Well, I was going to tell you about each of those in a little more detail.
HANSEL: Whatever. Got any more samples?
COOKIE: That was quite a few already.
HANSEL: How about those over there?
GRETEL: Yummy!
COOKIE: You can purchase those for…
HANSEL: Purchase! What a rip off! I thought this was all free.
COCO: Just the samples are free. You had quite a few of those.
GRETEL: Yummy!
COCO: Yummy indeed.
HANSEL: This is false advertising! I want more free stuff.
COOKIE: Then come enjoy the free tour. Come over here for some free smells of something baking in the oven. Doesn’t it smell delightful?
GRETEL: Ya! Ya!
COOKIE: These are one of our specialities: gingerbread children. Aren’t they such tasty looking little boys and girls? Here is a fresh batch that I’m going to put in the oven. Watch all those gingerbread kids cooking to a nice golden brown. And here are some finished ones that we are going to decorate with cute little outfits. Each one is an original little work of art.
HANSEL: Give me one!
GRETEL: Ya! Ya!
COOKIE: We have some for sale up front…
HANSEL: I want another free sample!
GRETEL: Yum! Yummy!
LOLLI: I’ll buy one of those.
(Gives COOKIE a coin and takes a bite of the gingerbread kid)
HANSEL: You bit the kid’s arm off!
LOLLI: So good! Still warm from the oven.
GRETEL: Let me try!
HANSEL: Give me one of those cookies or I’ll tell everyone… I’ll tell everyone you’re throwing kids in the oven and then eating them!
LOLLI: Gingerbread kids.
HANSEL: I’ll leave out the gingerbread part.
LOLLI: Why would you do that?
HANSEL: Because you won’t share with me!
LOLLI: Why would I want to share with you? All you do is shout at everyone. You didn’t even say the magic word.
(GRETEL runs up and holds out her hand to LOLLI)
GRETEL: Please.
LOLLI: See, was that so hard. Here you go. I’ll share a leg.
(GRETEL gobbles it down and holds out hand again)
GRETEL: Please!
LOLLI: Sorry, you forgot the other magic word…
(GRETEL is confused)
GRETEL: Pretty please?
LOLLI: No, you forgot to say thank you.
(LOLLI leaves)
COOKIE: That’s it for the tour and the free samples. Have a good day.
HANSEL: Fine! We’re going! But I’m telling everyone you’re throwing kids in the oven and eating them!
(HANSEL and GRETEL exit. COOKIE goes to COCO)
COOKIE: That didn’t go very well.
COCO: Hansel and Gretel are a couple of local brats that are never happy. But you see that other customer. She loved her treat. I think she bought more on her way out too.
COOKIE: That’s good. I guess I shouldn’t worry too much about Hansel and Gretel.
COCO: Look! More customers. See, everything is fine.
(WOLF, OLD WOMAN and GOLDILOCKS enter, followed by HANSEL and GRETEL in silly disguises. HANSEL is dressed as a pig and GRETEL has a sack over her head so she keeps bumping into things)
COOKIE: Welcome!
COCO: Have some free samples.
(WOLF is very happy)
WOLF: Are these pigs in a blanket? I love these! I’ll take three more, please.
(WOLF gives COCO some coins and COOKIE gets a bag for WOLF)
HANSEL: Pigs! He’s eating pigs. That big bad wolf is eating little piggies.
WOLF: I am not!
HANSEL: Don’t get all huffy, wolfy.
(WOLF gets mad and leaves in a huff. COOKIE stops HANSEL)
COOKIE: What are you doing back in here, Hansel?
HANSEL: I’m not Hansel. I’m a little piggy. And that wolf is gonna eat me! Wee wee wee. I’m going home.
COOKIE: Good. You too, Gretel.
(OLD WOMAN goes up to JOLLY who has a tray of apples)
OLD WOMAN: Those look delicious.
JOLLY: A candy apple a day keeps the blues away.
OLD WOMAN: I’m going to buy some of these candy apples for my dear friend, Snow White.
HANSEL: Those are poison apples. Don’t do it!
OLD WOMAN: Oh, dear!
(OLD WOMAN exits in a hurry and JOLLY follows)
JOLLY: They are not poisonous! I promise!
(ROLO has a tray of gummy bears)
GOLDILOCKS: I love gummy bears. I would like to buy a bunch. May I see which ones I like best?
ROLO: Of course.
(GOLDILOCKS tries different ones as she speaks)
GOLDILOCKS: Hmm… this one is too soft. This one is too hard. Oh! This one is just right. I’m going to buy a lot of these!
(HANSEL goes up and knocks GOLDILOCKS into a chair that breaks)
HANSEL: Look at you, clumsy. You broke their chair.
GOLDILOCK: It was an accident. Honest.
HANSEL: I saw you. You did it on purpose.
ROLO: She did not. Stop making trouble, Hansel.
(ROLO grabs HANSEL)
HANSEL: Hey!
ROLO: Let’s go, Hansel. You too, Gretel.
(ROLO pushes them out. GOLDILOCKS is embarrassed and leaves too)
COCO: Maybe we do have a problem.
COOKIE: They’re going to scare away all the customers.
COCO: I better get to the queen before they do.
COOKIE: The queen?
COCO: I’ve been trying extra hard to get the queen to come visit our factory. I thought it would be an amazing PR stunt to have the queen here and try our samples. If she likes our treats, we’ve got it made…
COOKIE: But if she doesn’t, she could shut us down. That’s pretty risky.
COCO: I can’t let Hansel’s rumors get around before she visits. If she hears that grim gossip, then she might not come.
(ROLO enters)
ROLO: I sent Hansel and Gretel on their way but they couldn’t stop shouting to everyone that we’re cooking kids and pigs and selling poison apples.
COOKIE: Oh, no! What will we do?
COCO: I must go to the queen at once before the rumors spread.
(COCO exits)
ROLO: You really think people will believe them?
COOKIE: That’s the problem with rumors. Even if they are wrong, people have fun spreading them around.
(HANSEL and GRETEL enter in new disguises)
ROLO: At least we still have more customers.
(JOLLY greets disguised HANSEL and GRETEL with free samples which they gobble up)
JOLLY: Goodness… a fool and his candy are soon parted.
HANSEL: I want more free samples.
GRETEL: Yummy!
(COOKIE hears and rushes over with ROLO)
COOKIE: Oh, no! Not again.
(HANSEL rips off his disguise)
HANSEL: Ha! Fooled you! We got more free candy!
ROLO: You better pay for that.
HANSEL: Never! You can’t catch me.
COOKIE: Stop him!
(HANSEL runs around, grabs a gingerbread cookie)
HANSEL: You can’t catch me and my gingerbread man.
(HANSEL exits laughing. JOLLY is holding GRETEL)
GRETEL: No hurt Gretel. No throw Gretel in oven. No cook Gretel.
(GRETEL starts crying)
COOKIE: We’re not going to cook you.
ROLO: Sounds like she believes her brother’s rumors.
COOKIE: But she was here and knows the truth.
ROLO: Hansel knows how to spin a yarn and make it believable.
COOKIE: That’s his evil power for sure.
JOLLY: We’re not going to hurt you. We would just like you to pay for the extra treats you took, Gretel. That’s only fair.
GRETEL: Gretel have money. Gretel go get.
JOLLY: That would be lovely.
GRETEL: Okay! Gretel go now. Gretel be good.
(GRETEL rushes away)
ROLO: You really think she’ll pay?
JOLLY: I won’t count my treats before they’re baked.
(GRETEL returns quickly)
GRETEL: Gretel’s friend is coming. Has lots of gold. Come to Gretel!
(RUMPELSTILTSKIN enters)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I’m coming. I’m coming.
GRETEL: Give them gold now. Gretel need gold for candy.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Fine. What do you want turned into gold?
COOKIE: Welcome to our candy factory. I’m Cookie, the head chef. I don’t believe we met. What is your name?
GRETEL: Gretel no tell. It’s secret.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That’s right. I can’t tell you my name or my power won’t work. So what can I turn into gold for you?
ROLO: How about some golden cookies?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Fine. Bring them here.
(COOKIE brings some cookies)
COOKIE: Here you go.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: How much gold do you owe them, Gretel?
GRETEL: Lots and lots. Gretel eat lots of candy.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: And this will make us even right? I don’t have to follow you around any more.
GRETEL: Yes, Gretel will be happy.
RUMPELSTILSKIN: Okay, here goes…
(RUMPELSTILTSKIN starts to change the cookies)
ROLO: Look at this, Cookie! It looks like real gold!
COOKIE: We’ll be rich.
(HANSEL enters)
HANSEL: Hey! It’s Rumpelstiltskin!
(RUMPELSTILTSKIN jumps up and down angrily)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You know you’re not supposed to say my name! Now I can’t use my power! I’m done with you two. My debt is paid. I’m going.
(RUMPELSTILTSKIN exits. GRETEL grabs some candy and runs after him. HANSEL tries to look innocent)
HANSEL: Did I say something wrong?
(HANSEL laughs and runs out too)
ROLO: At least we got a little bit of gold.
COOKIE: That should about cover what they took I think. The whole tray would have been nice though.
JOLLY: Bakers can’t be choosers.
(COCO rushes in excited)
COCO: Okay, good news! The queen might still visit.
COOKIE: Might?
COCO: She is sending some of her soldiers to check things out first and make sure everything is secure.
(ROCKY and CANE enter. They are the QUEEN’s guards and dressed as soldiers)
COOKIE: I hope we can pass the inspection. I imagine it’s a very rigorous process that involves all kinds of reviews, tests and procedures.
ROCKY: How does it look, Cane?
CANE: Looks good to me, Rocky.
ROCKY: This candy factory passes the official royal review.
CANE: The queen will be here presently.
COOKIE: She’s coming now?
ROCKY: Can we have some samples while we wait?
CANE: It all looks so good.
COOKIE: Of course! Here you go.
(ROCKY and CANE quickly eat some treats as royal trumpets play off stage. ROCKY and CANE speak with their mouths full of treats)
ROCKY: The Queen has arrived.
CANE: All prepare to meet the Queen.
COOKIE: She’s here already?
COCO: Hurry! Places everyone!
(Everyone rushes around to get ready for the arrival of the queen. ROCKY and CANE run to the entrance and stand at attention. QUEEN enters with a flourish. She is followed by two more soldiers, HANSEL and GRETEL in disguise)
ROCKY: Now presenting her royal highness, her majesty, the Queen!
CANE: All hail the Queen.
ALL: All hail the Queen.
QUEEN: Hellllooooo, you lovely people. What a delightful little factory. It smells delicious.
ROCKY: And tastes great too.
CANE: It’s yummy, your highness.
COCO: Could we interest you in some free samples?
QUEEN: Ooooooh! These look delectable. I love biting the heads off of the gingerbread people. Off with their heads!
(ROCKY and CANE laugh at her joke as QUEEN bites heads off of gingerbread men. COCO and COOKIE look at each other nervously)
QUEEN: Yuuummmmy! Do you have chocolate bunnies? I love biting their heads off too.
ROCKY and CANE: Off with their heads!
(QUEEN, ROCKY and CANE all laugh wildly making COCO and COOKIE more nervous)
HANSEL: The Queen loves chopping off heads.
GRETEL: Ya! Ya!
HANSEL: If you don’t give us all more free treats, you’ll all lose your heads.
(JOLLY and ROLO rush over with more treats and HANSEL and GRETEL start taking them)
QUEEN: Whaaat?! I do not chop off heads. Well, not real people. Just delicious ones. But that’s only in jest. Who are these soldiers?
(COCO and COOKIE pulls off HANSEL and GRETEL’s helmets)
COOKIE: It’s Hansel and Gretel!
HANSEL: Off with their heads!
(HANSEL bites off a gingerbread person head)
QUEEN: You dare mock me?!
ROCKY: You shall pay.
CANE: And not get away!
(ROCKY and CANE chase HANSEL and GRETEL around and off stage)
COOKIE: We are so sorry, your majesty. Hansel and Gretel are out of control.
QUEEN: Why are they causing such trouble here?
COCO: We gave them free samples but it wasn’t enough. They want it all for free.
ROLO: They even started eating our building.
(HANSEL crashes through a candy window with a chunk of the outside candy in his hand)
HANSEL: Here’s Hansel.
(ROCKY and CANE grab HANSEL and drag him away again)
COOKIE: We’re not sure what to do about them.
QUEEN: Perhaps I know someone who can help. The local school teacher, the Pied Piper. He knows how to handle naughty children.
(HANSEL and GRETEL run in. ROCKY and CANE follow but are very tired from running)
HANSEL: Not the Pied Piper!
QUEEN: Indeed. He will know how to deal with the likes of you two.
GRETEL: Gretel be good.
HANSEL: Well, I won’t! He’ll never stop me.
QUEEN: Fetch the Pied Piper.
(ROCKY and CANE stumble out)
HANSEL: Quick! Eat as much as you can before the Pied Piper gets here.
(GRETEL and HANSEL run after ROLO and JOLLY who have trays of treats)
JOLLY: Good treats come to those who wait!
HANSEL: Well, I’m not waiting!
(Suddenly a screechy recorder sound is heard and HANSEL and GRETEL freeze. The PIED PIPER appears with a recorder. He blows again and HANSEL and GRETEL turn to face him with their arms stuck to their sides)
PIED PIPER: You called?
QUEEN: I called upon you to deal with these unruly children.
PIED PIPER: Hansel and Gretel. I’ve dealt with them before. You never learn, do you, children?
HANSEL: Please… no! I promise to be good, just don’t…
(PIED PIPER plays recorder and HANSEL and GRETEL jump forward toward the exit)
PIED PIPER: Back to school with you two.
GRETEL: Gretel no good at school.
PIED PIPER: Practice makes perfect.
HANSEL: Then why are you so bad at playing the pipes?
(PIED PIPER plays recorder more and this makes them fly to the exit and then freeze in silly positions)
PIED PIPER: These two have been skipping school, but it’s time to pay the piper.
COOKIE: We can pay you with cookies.
PIED PIPER: How wonderful.
COOKIE: Pack up the Piper a treat bag, please.
ROLO: Right away.
PIED PIPER: And you two children will pay for your truancy with some extra time in… gym class.
HANSEL: Gym class! You mean exercise?!
GRETEL: Gretel no like workouts.
PIED PIPER: Let’s start with some jumping jacks!
(PIED PIPER blows recorder and HANSEL and GRETEL do jumping jacks as they exit with him)
COCO: Thank you so much for your help, your majesty.
QUEEN: You’re quite welcome. And I thank you for your top notch treats. Our kingdom is honored to have you serve our community.
COOKIE: That makes me so happy to hear, my Queen.
QUEEN: I declare this business a success!
(Everyone cheers)
ALL: Huzzah!
QUEEN: Farewell!
ROCKY: Good-bye.
CANE: See you later.
QUEEN: Don’t forget to purchase a dozen goodie bags. My treat.
ROCKY: On it!
CANE: Right away!
(Everyone cheers as the QUEEN leaves)
ALL: Huzzah!
JOLLY: All’s well that ends delicious.
COOKIE: Let’s make those goodie bags.
(ROCKY and CANE go around with JOLLY and ROLO to make treat bags as COOKIE and CANE greet more customers: WOLF, GOLDILOCKS, OLD LADY, and two mysterious people in costumes, HANSEL and GRETEL. Everyone can sing a fun song about candy together. PIED PIPER enters)
PIED PIPER: And they all lived happily ever after.
(PIED PIPER plays and HANSEL and GRETEL are revealed and taken away again)
END OF PLAY
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