Losers in Love
D. M. Larson
Copyright © 2016
All Rights Reserved
PART 9: DON’T PITY THE BLIND GIRL
RANDY - The bumbling, slow-witted, funny main man of this play (he says “Take that, Frank. I have my own script now!” Frank was the main character of “My William Shatner Man Crush” where these characters first appear)
TONY - Randy’s friend and Jane’s boyfriend
FRANK - Randy’s friend and Jenny’s boyfriend
JENNY - Waitress at cafe’ and Frank’s girlfriend
JANE - Tony’s girlfriend
MARIANNE - shy woman in hoodie and thick glasses in love with Randy - she is legally blind
TASHA - an obnoxious business woman in the cafe’
AMROSE - a vampire receptionist [can be played same actor who plays FRANK]
LUCIEN - aloof lead Vampire [can be played by TASHA or JANE]
DUNLAP - friendly vampire [can by played by TONY]
MR. MOO - a poet dressed as a cow for the poetry jam
BESSIE - an audience member at the poetry jam who likes Mr. Moo
PROLOGUE
RANDY
Have you ever farted in front of a fan? I call it a paparazzi, because farting in front of a fan is like some terrible stalker that follows you and you can’t escape.
The worst one I’ve ever done was my first. I had the ultimate silent but deadly gas bomb seep from me. I happened to be standing in front of a fan at the time. The results were glorious.
This ultimate gas passing experience was a mix of nerves and a bean burrito, one of those frozen burritos that are made from the cheapest mystery beans ever grown. I wanted to talk to my teacher about something personal and there was only a short time before the whole class would get back from gym. I snuck out early so I could talk to the teacher alone.
It was a hot day in May and the teacher had a big fan pointed at the classroom to keep things cool. As I approached, I felt my stomach churn and deposit something painful into my bowels. I bent forward a bit and my teacher looked concerned. I started talking to hide the noise of the gas escaping out of me.
At first I was thankful it was silent, but then I realized I was standing in front of the fan and the whole class walked in. The deadliest bottom sewage smell I ever produced oozed from me and filled the air. Students screamed and gasped. Chaos swarmed the room. I looked at the teacher who couldn’t tell what was going on since he was on the other side of the fan. The class struggled into their desks with their noses pinched and mouths moaning.
I don’t even remember what I wanted to talk to my teacher about, but I sure remember that fart. It was glorious.
END OF SCENE
(FRANK and RANDY are sitting in a cafe. The cafe has a lot of retro posters of old movie stars and memorabilia. There are other signs such as Free WiFi and “Enjoy free casual office space”. There can be several people in the cafe already including BESSIE, TASHA [attractive business type] and MARIANNE [shy woman in hoodie and thick glasses listening to something on headphones]. A guy in cow costume, MR. MOO, is in the background. JENNY is at the counter working as a barista. TONY enters)
TONY: I had a feeling you would be here.
RANDY: He’s always here now.
TONY: Ever since Jenny got this job.
FRANK: It’s awesome. I can relax and my girlfriend will bring me anything I want.
JENNY: Here is a mocha mint extra sweet for my sweetie.
(JENNY gives FRANK a drink and sneaks a kiss. Then JENNY heads back to work)
RANDY: She has to be nice to everyone. Watch. Hey, Jenny. How about some sugar for my coffee?
(JENNY throws some sugar packets at him)
TONY: Yes, that was the same level of service for sure.
FRANK: So how are you and Jane doing, Tony?
TONY: Awesome… she gave me this amazing back rub last night…
FRANK: Whoa… TMI dude.
(JENNY brings TONY a drink)
JENNY: You should try my back rubs, Frank.
FRANK: Oh, yeah?
JENNY: If you give me some foot rubs tonight, you might find yourself getting some nice rubs in return.
FRANK: Really?
(JENNY hands RANDY a napkin)
JENNY: Yes, here’s some napkins, guys. You’re drooling.
(JENNY goes back to the counter)
TONY: We are lucky guys.
FRANK: I’ve never been happier.
RANDY: Yeah, same with me.
TONY: You’re dating someone?
RANDY: Yeah, she’s way awesomer than your girls. She is rich… and famous… and…
FRANK: Famous? So who is she?
RANDY: Well, not so famous you’d know her.
FRANK: Of course.
RANDY: And she buys me lots of stuff and takes me on cool trips.
FRANK: Where’s all this stuff she’s been buying you?
RANDY: I don’t like to show it off.
TONY: And she’s taking you on trips? Where did you go?
FRANK: And when did you go? I’ve seen you around here an awful lot.
RANDY: I’m not supposed to talk about it. It’s all related to her famous stuff and it’s all very hush hush.
FRANK: Secret famous stuff huh? Very interesting.
RANDY: She’s so much better than your girls. I’m luckier than the both of you put together.
TONY: You’ll have to bring her by some time to meet us.
RANDY: She’s far too busy for that.
TONY: Okay, whatever. You ready to go Frank? You needed a ride right?
FRANK: Yes, let’s go. See you, Jenny!
(JENNY gives him a little bag and a kiss)
JENNY: There’s a special little something for you in the bag.
FRANK: You’re the best.
JENNY: No, you’re the best.
FRANK: No, you are.
TONY: It’s a tie. You’re both the best. Let’s go Frank.
(TONY and FRANK exit)
RANDY: I think I’m going to be sick.
JENNY: Not on my shift, you’re not.
RANDY: Leave me alone, Jenny. Can’t you see I’m upset?
JENNY: What’s with the big girlfriend lie?
RANDY: I didn’t lie. She’s real.
JENNY: What’s her name?
RANDY: Um… (sees a Marilyn Monroe poster in the cafe) Marilyn…
(JENNY looks where he is looking)
JENNY: Marilyn… Monroe?
RANDY: You know her?
JENNY: I’ve heard of her… yes.
RANDY: See… very famous.
JENNY: And very dead.
RANDY: What? She died? Oh, man… my girlfriend is dead. This is terrible. What am I going to do?
JENNY: Get professional help.
(JENNY shoos RANDY away)
END OF SCENE
LOG
(Of some sort)
(Is it a mid-log? Sure, let’s call it a mid-log)
(RANDY talks to audience)
RANDY
I saw it! A ghost! Upstairs! I did. It was floating around all spooky like. I think it touched me. I got all cold and shivery. I wanted to scream but when I opened my mouth all I could manage was a little squeak. I was frozen with fear. I thought it was gonna eat my brains or something. Oh, wait. That’s zombies, ain’t it? Well, it was gonna do whatever ghosts do to me. I could feel it doing something… something real creepy like. You wanna go see it? Or are you too scared? You ain’t as brave as me.
(Looks down at his pants which are wet in the crotch area)
Hey! No, I did not! I spilled a drink on myself, okay? I am not a liar! You go up there and see for yourself. Up there is an honest to goodness, real scary, ghost. I have lived to tell about it. Will you?!
END OF SCENE
(RANDY goes and sits with a tablet/laptop/gaming device. MARIANNE is another customer who is typing with a strange device and staring at RANDY. JANE enters)
JENNY: Hey, Jane. You’re usual?
JANE: Sure… have you seen Tony?
JENNY: You just missed him.
JANE: Oh…
JENNY: Something wrong?
JANE: I had an awkward moment this morning.
JENNY: Tony wet the bed again?
JANE: Very funny. Never mind.
JENNY: I’m sorry. You can talk to me. We’re practically almost sisters.
JANE: We are?
JENNY: I figure Tony and Frank are almost like brothers and we’re in serious relationships with them so we’re nearly almost sisters now.
JANE: Well… okay then. I had the weirdest revelation this morning.
JENNY: Do tell? Wait, let me guess. Was it that you realized how pretty Tony is and if you put him in a dress that he’d look a little too good as a woman?
JANE: What? No! What are you talking about?
JENNY: Never mind. I have weird thoughts like that.
JANE: I think I’m doing something pretty weird too.
JENNY: Really? Please tell me.
JANE: No jokes if I do.
JENNY: I promise.
JANE: I think I’m a stalker.
JENNY: This is good. Who are you stalking?
JANE: Tony.
JENNY: But… you already got him.
JANE: But I’m doing creepy stuff like putting pictures of him on my wall. He showed me all these old pictures of him from when he was in high school and college and I kept some of them. I woke up and looked all the pictures on my bedroom wall and suddenly felt like a stalker. I wonder if I’m creeping him out.
JENNY: Trust me… he’s very into you… he loves being stalked by you.
JANE: I hope so.
JENNY: I know so.
JANE: Thanks Jenny. But promise me you’ll tell me if I’m getting too creepy.
JENNY: As long as you don’t start knitting things out of his hair, then we’re okay.
JANE: Um…
JENNY: You’re not are you?
JANE: No! I was only kidding. Tell Tony I was looking for him.
JENNY: Why don’t you text him or something?
JANE: No phone. I’m finally free of the financial and invasive stress of having one.
JENNY: I don’t think I could live without my phone.
JANE: Not only do I live without mine. I live better.
JENNY: Everyone here is living… I think.
(Everyone in the cafe is on some kind of electronic device)
JANE: We should all get together some time and unplug. It could be fun.
JENNY: Hmmm… I don’t know.
(JENNY gives JANE her drink)
JANE: Thanks for the drink. I better go. I think I have somewhere to be. Maybe I’ll take a walk in the park while I try to remember where it was.
(JANE leaves happily. JENNY looks at her phone and all the people in the cafe on their phones. She sighs and goes back to work)
END OF SCENE
LOG OF LOVE
(MARIANNE is a shy, awkward woman who has been in the background at the cafe the whole play so far. She records something she has written. She stares at RANDY as she speaks - she could even approach him, speaking to him dramatically, but he doesn’t hear with his headphones on or notice her)
MARIANNE
You found me, cast aside, lost and broken. You searched through the rubble to find the severed pieces of my life, and slowly fit them back together again.
Before you, I felt like I was dying. The panic consumed me and squeezed the life from my heart. But I didn’t care. When we are weighed down by the torture of hate, we don’t fear death. There was nothing to live for… until I met you.
You rebuilt me and fixed what was broken. You made me better and pieced me back together in new ways that improved me. With the right parts, I was reborn... and life felt real... and right for the first time.
END OF SCENE
(RANDY jumps up excited. He turns to TASHA and shows her his phone)
RANDY: I earned the Holy High Lord ruler achievement on Clash of the Kings 3! You think you can beat that?
TASHA: I don’t even know what that means.
RANDY: That means I am unbeatable!
TASHA: Whatever.
RANDY: I thought women were impressed by guys who accomplish something.
TASHA: I don’t think any video game accomplishment is going to turn my head. Look! I’m busy trying to arrange a trade deal with a Chinese company.
RANDY: All work and no play makes for a dull Dorothy.
TASHA: My name’s Tasha, not Dorothy.
RANDY: Hi, Tasha. My name’s Randy.
TASHA: That wasn’t an invitation to flirt.
RANDY: That was flirting? I always wondering how to do that right.
TASHA: That wasn’t done right. I’m busy, okay?
RANDY: It must be cool working out international trade deals.
TASHA: It’s complicated and a lot of work so…
RANDY: So let me help by getting you some coffee. Be right back.
TASHA: Wait… no… uh…
(MARIANE has been listening to RANDY the whole time he has been at the cafe’)
MARIANNE: Don’t be too hard on him. He’s very nice and... kind of cute.
TASHA: Him? Are you blind?
MARIANNE: Well… Yes… Legally blind.
TASHA: What? Oh, man. I’m sorry…
MARIANNA: It’s okay… I always hear him and he sounds very nice. He’s always friendly and helpful. There was an old couple that came in here and didn’t know how to order and what to get and he helped them… he even helped carry their stuff out to their car. He can be very sweet. Is he not good looking?
TASHA: Uh… well… no… he’s fine.
MARIANNA: Fine as in “fine” or as in okay?
TASHA: I don’t know. He’s not my type but he seems alright? On a scale of Brad Pitt to Nosferatu he’s a 5. Maybe a 4 and a half.
MARIANNA: Looks aren’t important. It’s kindness and respect that really matter.
TASHA: And maybe he’d enjoy being your seeing eye dog too… I wish you’d all stop talking to me! I’m working!
MARIANNA: Geez… why are you working in a busy cafe anyway? Get an office or something.
TASHA: Maybe I like the atmosphere here.
MARIANNE: Maybe you don’t have a real job and you’re just pretending to be someone important to impress people.
(TASHA gives MARIANNE a really dirty look. Then TASHA gets an evil smile)
TASHA: You know what? Maybe I like Randy after all.
MARIANNE: What? No, you don’t.
(MARIANNE is upset by this)
TASHA: Oh, dear. Have you been hoping Randy would notice you and flirt with you like he just did with me?
MARIANNE: I don’t want to talk to you anymore.
TASHA: Were you hoping he was a nice guy who would take pity on a blind girl?
MARIANNE: I wish I had a seeing eye dog so he could bite you right now.
(RANDY returns with coffee)
RANDY: I got your coffee, Tasha. I thought you’d like some toffee flavor… get it? Tasha… Toffee.
TASHA: Oh you’re so funny, Ricky.
RANDY: Randy.
TASHA: Whatever. Wow, this coffee is so good. I should keep you around as my personal assistant.
RANDY: I’d like that.
TASHA: You could fetch me coffee and do my errands…
RANDY: And give you back rubs.
TASHA: That would be so nice.
MARIANNE: How much are you going to pay him? He should get paid if he is your assistant.
TASHA: He’ll do it for free.
RANDY: Yeah, sure.
TASHA: He already bought me coffee. Go buy me a sandwich too, Ronny.
RANDY: Um.. okay.
(RANDY goes back to buy a sandwich)
MARIANNE: Leave him alone. He’s not your servant. He’s a nice guy and you’re taking advantage of him.
(MARIANNE jumps up and knocks TASHA’s drink onto her computer or knocks down her computer on the floor. RANDY rushes over to help)
TASHA: Hey! You idiot! Look what you did. That’s my work you just destroyed!
(TASHA storms off with her computer)
RANDY: Hey, you can use my computer.
MARIANNE: You shouldn’t let people treat you that way. She was being mean to you.
RANDY: I can’t believe you did that to her. Now you’ve made her mad. I’ll never get a date with her now.
(RANDY exits after TASHA)
END OF SCENE
(MARIANNE tries cleaning up but it’s hard since she can’t see well. JENNY goes to help)
JENNY: Are you okay? Here, let me help.
MARIANNE: I’m so sorry. I made a mess of everything.
JENNY: This will be easy to clean up.
MARIANNE: Not just this… Randy too.
JENNY: Randy? Wait. You like Randy?
MARIANNE: He sounds so nice… and he makes me laugh.
JENNY: He is funny in his own way. I guess we all laugh a lot more when he is around.
MARIANNE: I keep hoping he’ll notice me… like he does the other girls who come in here. But he never says anything. Am I ugly or something?
JENNY: No, not at all. Randy just tends to go for the girls who are… flashy… trashy… slutty… he goes for the show-offs. The girls who try too hard for attention.
MARIANNE: So I’m not his type?
(JENNY pauses and looks at her and nods)
JENNY: I think you’re exactly his type. He just doesn’t know it yet. He needs a nice girl in his life. Someone who likes him for who he is.
MARIANNE: But how do I… how can I… Oh, forget it. He was really mean to me just now. I don’t think I want to talk to him anymore.
JENNY: You should really give him another chance. I’d love to see you two get together. You’re both always here and both always alone. Now, you can be alone together.
MARIANNE: He’s not interested in a girl like me. I’m not flashy enough.
JENNY: I could help you out a little. I could help with your hair and clothes....
MARIANNE: No, forget it. I don’t want to be something I’m not. I’m not one of those kind of girls. I’m not desperate. I’m not after attention. He either likes me the way I am or I don’t want him.
JENNY: I can talk to him for you.
MARIANNE: No, either it happens naturally or it doesn’t happen at all. And it isn’t going to happen anyway without an apology. So forget it.
(MARIANNE sits sadly. JENNY finds RANDY and whispers to him. RANDY gestures and JENNY grabs him by the ear and talks meanly into it. RANDY nods and sheepishly goes over to MARIANNE)
RANDY: I'm sorry.
MARIANNE: You're a jerk.
RANDY: I know… I'm sorry.
MARIANNE: Don't be sorry unless you mean it.
RANDY: I do.
MARIANNE: Do you? I don't think so. Sorry doesn't cut it. Sorry is like a reboot of a computer or refresh of the browser. Sorry is like bumping into someone with your shopping cart at the grocery store. Sorry is dropping someone’s ice cream cone. This is way worse than sorry.
RANDY: I'm sorry.
(MARIANNE roars in frustration)
MARIANNE: Why am I even talking to you?
RANDY: Because you like me?
MARIANNE: What? No! Who told you that?
RANDY: My friend said you like me and I didn't notice and I hurt your feelings
MARIANNE: Yeah right. Your friend doesn't know what she’s talking about.
RANDY: That’s nice that you like me.
MARIANNE: I didn’t tell you I did!
RANDY: Why not?
MARIANNE: Because… I didn’t think you like me.
RANDY: I like you.
MARIANNE: You do?
RANDY: Sure.
MARIANNE: Sure? That’s it… Sure?
RANDY: Um… I’m pretty sure.
MARIANNE: I’ve been downgraded to pretty sure.
RANDY: I would say pretty is an upgrade.
MARIANNE: Huh?
RANDY: Saying you’re pretty… that’s an upgrade.
MARIANNE: You think I’m pretty?
RANDY: Very pretty.
MARIANNE: Really? Gosh… I mean… I… I have to go.
(RANDY goes to JENNY to get coffee. MARIANNE sneaks out while he is ordering coffee)
RANDY: Wait. You can stay. I can get you some coffee. You like coffee? Of course you like coffee. You’re always in this place having coffee. I’ll get you some more coffee. Jenny, get the pretty lady another of her favorites… on me.
(RANDY turns and sees MARIANNE is gone)
JENNY: She’s gone.
RANDY: Oh no. What happened?
JENNY: I’m really not sure.
RANDY: I have a talent for making women run away.
JENNY: She really likes you though. I can tell.
RANDY: She likes me so much she runs away?
JENNY: Women are complicated.
RANDY: Tell me about it.
END OF SCENE
(MARIANNE and RANDY are at a comic book convention. MARIANNE has several items like a sleeping bag and cooler which implies she’s been waiting for a long time)
RANDY: Where’s the line to see Wonder Woman?
MARIANNE: Linda Carter or Gal Gadot?
RANDY: They’re both here?!
MARIANNE: Amazing, isn’t it? This has to be the best WonderRificCon ever!
RANDY: Totally. Linda Carter was like the first Wonder Woman, right?
MARIANNE: Many actresses have played Wonder Woman. Lucy Lawless has been her too.
RANDY: The chick who played Xena Warrior Princess?
MARIANNE: The same.
RANDY: Wow, she gets all the cool parts. So, which line is this? Old or new Wonder Woman?
MARIANNE: Don’t call Linda Carter old. That’s not polite.
RANDY: How about spinning Wonder Woman or sword Wonder Woman?
MARIANNE: Better. What was the question again?
RANDY: I don’t remember.
(They laugh)
MARIANNE: Oh, thats right. You asked which line is this? It’s to meet both. I bought the super deluxe wonder pack. I get to meet them both, get their autographs and get a picture with them. It wasn’t cheap. Quite expensive actually. That must be why I’m the only one in the line.
RANDY: You rich or something?
MARIANNE: No, not at all, I’ve been saving for this ever since I found out. I changed my smartphone plan. And cut back on eating out. Well, I cut out most food in general. Ramen noodles are good and cheap. I found all kinds of ways to cook them. All the sacrifices are worth it. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. They’re my heroes.
RANDY: Wonder Woman isn’t real, you know?
MARIANNE: She’s real to me.
(MARIANNE is very forceful about this and pouts. RANDY looks around a minute before asking:)
RANDY: How long have you been waiting?
(RANDY notices her sleeping bag)
MARIANNE: I’ve been waiting here for two days. I’m first in line too!
RANDY: It must be a pretty expensive line if you’re the only one.
MARIANNE: It shows I’m the most dedicated fan of all. I’m their biggest fan!
RANDY: Isn’t that a quote from a horror movie?
MARIANNE: Maybe.
RANDY: You’re scaring me.
MARIANNE: You have nothing to fear. Wonder Woman is here.
RANDY: Where?
MARIANNE: In the building somewhere. Two of them actually. I wonder what’s going on? It seems like hardly anyone is here now.
RANDY: I think everyone went to the other building.
MARIANNE: There’s another building at the convention center?
RANDY: I came over here because I hate crowds.
MARIANNE: They told me this was the line. Do you think they told me the wrong place?
RANDY: Who did you talk to?
MARIANNE: She sounded like she thought she was important. I think she said her name was Ashley. Her clothes were very sparkly.
RANDY: That’s our state beauty queen pageant winner Ashley Addams. Miss Walla Walla Washington. She thinks she going to be the next Miss America.
MARIANNE: Why is she here?
RANDY: Doing a comic book store promo for her cousin or something as a favor. My theory is that she has to do community service for some crime she’s committed.
MARIANNE: Please tell me she told me the right place to go.
RANDY: Judging by the way she is pointing over here at you and laughing with her friends… maybe not.
MARIANNE: This is terrible! Why would she do this to me?
RANDY: Because she’s a jerk. She thinks she’s better than everyone else and tries to make sure us pee-ons know it.
MARIANNE: What am I going to do? What if I missed it? I’m going to be last in line!
ANNOUNCER (OFF): Last call for fans waiting to see Wonder Woman in building C, floor 12.
MARIANNE: This is building A.
RANDY: There’s a third building?
MARIANNE: With 12 floors! I’m going to miss them!
RANDY: Not if I have anything to do with it. Come on!
MARIANNE: What are you doing?
(RANDY gathers all her stuff)
RANDY: Helping you see Wonder Woman! Here I come to save the day! Randy is on the way!
(RANDY takes her hand and they run)
MARIANNE: Hurry!
RANDY: And when we’re done, we’ll come back and tell everyone about Ashley’s life of crime. How about that Miss Community Service?!
END OF SCENE
(This is a series of monologues all about the same character, Randy. Randy changes to different costumes or uses different props for each monologue. Ideally Randy should roll in a very large trunk or suitcase or box with the costumes and props inside. This can be opened away from the audience and give the actor a place to change. Lights can come down between each change if desired. Randy can go behind the trunk/suitcase/box between each monologue and change costumes and props)
(RANDY starts out in a t-shirt and sweatpants)
RANDY: Did you ever want something so bad in your life that it consumes you? You want it so bad that you can’t stop thinking about it. Nothing can stop you. Nothing can stand in your way. You can’t rest until you have it.
Well, I’ve never felt that way… about anything. I mean I want to. I want to care about something… anything... but I can’t seem to focus. Nothing keeps my attention for very long.
It didn't really matter much to me before. I have been pretty happy. I got everything I need. (I got my shows and my games and my favorite snacks and my friends.)
But now my friends are finding other people... Female people... and they are changing. I mean things used to be great. We’d be gaming all night and eating pizza for dinner… And breakfast. But now they are wanting to do things like laundry and dishes and expecting me to pay rent. It's getting to be a real drag.
But they do seem happy. Happier than when we beat the Yellow Devil in MegaMan. And I wonder if I am not as happy as I thought I was. I am kind of lonely too.
I like girls but they don't like me. I end up trying to pick off the weak ones in the herd. I go for the girls nobody else wants. It’s because my friends always give me the leftovers. But I’m going to have the last laugh because one of them leftovers is pretty tasty. I met this amazing woman who didn’t realize how amazing she was. She is shy and hides under a hoody and thick glasses... but underneath all that is this girl who doesn’t think I’m dumb or ugly or lazy like everyone else. She thinks I’m funny and clever and creative. She sees the me I want to be.
So maybe it's time for a change. Maybe it’s time to step up and be that man she thinks I am. I’ve been a boy long enough, played around long enough, been lazy long enough. It’s time to grow up. It’s time to say goodbye to Neverland.
(RANDY picks up some weights and tries exercising)
RANDY: How do you guys do this? Why do you do this? I have never felt this terrible before in my entire life. This is good for you? Are you sure? I think I am dying. All this exercise has to be harming me in some way.
I thought maybe the gym would be a good place to meet women. There’s lots of hot chicks here but I don't like the way they look at me… maybe they're worried about me... I don't feel so good... Maybe if I pass out one of them will feel sorry for me and give me mouth to mouth…
No. I need to focus. I need to focus on why I am here. I am here to improve myself… To make myself better. To make myself desirable for one woman… A wonderful woman I care deeply for.
You know that saying… love is blind? I never really understood that until I met Marianne. I love her and she’s blind… well, legally blind and wears these thick glasses. But somehow that makes it easier. I don't have to worry as much about what I look like.
Maybe it’s better she can’t really see me very well. I don’t think most girls can get past what I really look
like. I mean I’m not ugly but I’m not a hunk either. I guess part of me worries that Marianne’s eyes will get better and she’ll see me for what I really am... A guy less good looking than other guys.
I worry that I will lose her... except I don't even really have her... we’ve talked... had coffee... shared some moments... more moments than I ever had before… but no kissing or touching really. Except for the one time she touched me on the shoulder... it felt like
lightening... I loved her touch. I haven't washed that spot since... I want to keep feeling her and never let that feeling go.
And I want more but I am afraid to ask until I am good enough... until I am worthy of her. I want her to be proud to be seen by my side. I don’t want people to think she is with a loser because she is with a guy like me. I want to be something different... something other people will like better than what I am now.
So here I go. Get ready for some exercising, because I'm ready to rumble.
Ow! Ow!
Never mind. I can't do this. I am definitely dying. Somebody please call 911.
(RANDY in doctor’s white lab coat and stethoscope)
RANDY: Maybe being a doctor would be something I would enjoy. I decided to hang out at the hospital and observe. I found a white coat and stethoscope and made my rounds. People treat you differently when they think you’re a doctor… they look at you in a different way… like you’re important… they give you respect. I was liking this so I kept going back to the hospital.. But then I ran into someone waiting in the ER. They'd been waiting for hours and something was really wrong... but they were having trouble with their insurance. I blew up! Insurance! Is this about money or about healing? I can't work for a place like this that doesn't put our patients first so I quit! And every patient who could stand in that waiting room stood up and clapped for me and that sick patient who asked for help was crying... and a nurse came out for her and put her hand on my arm and said “you have a good heart… we need more doctors like you.” Then I saw security coming and staff were pointing at me so I made my exit… it was nice being a doctor for a day or two and it was good knowing I helped at least one person get the care they needed.
(Lights can go down or RANDY can hide behind the suitcase/case/trunk. He removes doctor coat and stethoscope - Lights come up and RANDY has on a MARIO costume at comic book convention. The costume can be as simple as a hat and mustache)
RANDY: This girl I like is going to be at this video game comic convention thing and I decided to go too, hoping maybe I would bump into her. I wanted to show her I was really into these things so I dressed up like my favorite video game character. It was this or Zelda but if I dressed up like Zelda she might get the wrong idea. And Link wears tights and looks like a Merry Man from Robin Hood which is a bit too merry for me. So I chose something more manly. Mario has facial hair and he’s a plumber. What's more manly than a plumber? Hey baby… wanna see my plumbers crack? What a great pickup line! Well… At least I thought it was a good pickup line. I decided to give it a try just for fun. There was one of them cosplay babes dressed as Harley Quinn. Not only did she not like my pickup line but her boyfriend who was dressed as Joker didn't like it either. I hope that gun he had wasn’t real… I'm hiding now. I hope I am not the only Mario here… Aaaah! They spotted me… please don't tell them where I am.
(RANDY hides behind his box - lights can go down - When lights come up , he comes up with nothing on and is behind the box/suitcase/trunk. Randy appears to be naked to the audience)
RANDY: Very funny. Taking my costume and leaving me naked for everyone to see. - you’re hilarious! Well, the jokes on you. My cosplay costume is Adam from the Bible. That’s right everyone. I’m about to do an original sin…!
It’s hard to look cool when you have nothing on. Being naked… you see yourself differently… you see everything a lot differently… Just when things couldn't get any worse… it’s her, the woman I loved, the woman I doing all this for… she’s here… she’s coming this way! I wanted her to see me in the best possible way. Instead she sees the worst of me. But she isn't looking away… she isn’t laughing… she isn't facebooking, snapchatting or instagramming my lowest moment to the world like everyone else here. She wants to help and breaks the nearest person’s phone that is pointed at me… and she gives me part of her super girl costume. She gives me her cape and proves me to me that she is the most superset girl I have ever known. She is my hero.
(RANDY puts on shirt, Jacket and tie during following)
RANDY: Things are different now. It took falling to my lowest moment that gave a chance to lift myself up. When you’re down, you get a whole new look at things. You realize that when you’re on the bottom, there’s nowhere to go but up. So it’s time to pick myself up and do something different.
It’s time to say goodbye to Neverland and hello to my future. I am applying for jobs and I got an interview now and everything is ready… I think. We'll sort of. See, I don't have much experience so this is what I say on my resume.
Objective…. “I want to leave the world a happier place than when I was born into it”…. I think that’s why I joke around a lot. I just want to make people happy.
Education… I just say “yes”… I leave that one to the imagination.
Experience… “They say you learn from your mistakes. And I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But I’m done doing things wrong. I figure I have done so many things wrong, that there are only right options now so I’m ready to do good….” Or should that say gooder?
That takes me to my “Skills.” “Funny and loyal… I’m always there whether you want me or not. And I seem to make everyone laugh even when I’m not trying to be funny.”
References… “my mom and my friends. I have devoted most of my time to being a good son and a good friend.” And I hope to add my girlfriend to the list. I mean I hope she wants to be my girlfriend, because I want to be a good boyfriend and be worthy of a reference.
Looking back at this, it looks like I’m applying to be a circus or rodeo clown. That would be so awesome! Hey, I can dream. And what are we without dreams anyway?
END OF SCENE
(RANDY returns to the stage once again without his tie and jacket)
RANDY: I know you’re all waiting to know about what happens with me and Marianne, because this is love story… well, romantic comedy. A Rom Com. Have you ever heard of Rom? I used to collect all his comics. I had the whole set. Even the issues with the X-Men, Luke Cage and Iron Fist. That was the best series. Sci Fi and Superheroes. What more could a guy want? What were we talking about again? Oh, yeah. I had the weirdest dream last night. Here’s what happened.
(Lights come up on the Office of Vampire Venture Inc., an office of vampires in a world that is controlled by them. AMBROSE sits at the front entrance of the office building serving as a greeter. Various vampires come and go. AMBROSE acknowledges them each with a friendly and wave of the hand. Suddenly, AMBROSE smells something terrible and walks around for a better look. A human named RANDY enters. The smell gets worse and AMBROSE realizes it is RANDY and stops him)
AMBROSE: May I help you?
RANDY: I know you guys at Vampire Venture Inc. were the best of the best when it came to hunting down humans. I bet your group converting half of humanity to being vampires.
AMBROSE: We successfully transformed 51.9% of humanity into vampires.
RANDY: Slightly more than half. Most impressive.
AMBROSE: Sir, I’m afraid, I must ask you to leave. This is no place for humans… of your type.
RANDY: My type? Oh! That’s why I’m here. I know that normally you vamps avoid my kind, but I really want to become a vampire.
AMBROSE: You WANT to become one?
RANDY: It’s getting pretty lonely with most of humanity being undead. And once people are one of you, then they want nothing to do with me.
AMBROSE: It’s the smell. It’s… unbearable.
(LUCIEN enters)
LUCIEN: Ambrose, what is that terrible smell?
AMBROSE: Our visitor. I’m attempting to remove him.
LUCIEN: Do so, post haste. He’s smelling up the entire lobby.
(LUCIEN starts to go but RANDY follows. AMBROSE looks very sick and exits)
RANDY: Please, wait. I need your help. I want to become a vampire.
(LUCIEN sniffs)
LUCIEN: Sorry, we don’t deal with your kind. No one does.
RANDY: There must be someone willing to convert me. It’s what your entire organization is built on. You’re the best.
LUCIEN: No one here will be willing to touch someone with your blood type. “B” I assume, by the stench.
RANDY: “B” negative.
LUCIEN: That’s even worse. “O” is a delicacy that vampires crave the most. “A” is good. A fine blood type we all can enjoy. “AB” is tolerable. It’s mixed with B but A is strong enough to make it drinkable. But “B” - it is the absolute worst. “B” positive is bad enough. It smells like a skunk peeling onions at a sewage processing plant. But “B” negative… It’s a rare and horrific smell… I can’t even imagine what the taste must be. Simply horrendous, I’m sure.
RANDY: But there has to be someone who can help me. Maybe you have a new recruit you could force to do it, or maybe there’s some initiation you want to do that involves drinking the worst blood ever, or maybe you do a new reality tv show and one of the horrible tasks they have to perform, or drinking my blood could be a practical joke…
LUCIEN: A joke on someone I despise.
RANDY: Exactly!
LUCIEN: There is no one I dislike that much. Please vacate the premises or I will have you forcibly removed.
(LUCIEN snaps his fingers and AMBROSE returns and goes up to RANDY to grab him, but looks sick again and has to run off. LUCIEN starts to leave)
RANDY: Please, I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to be a part of society again. Let me live forever like the rest of you.
(RANDY grabs him and LUCIEN looks ill and exits)
RANDY (CONT.): I’m not leaving until someone turns me into a bloodsucker!
(DUNLAP enters and sees RANDY)
DUNLAP: Randy? Is that you?
RANDY: Dunlap! How are you? It’s been forever.
DUNLAP: Not possible. You’re not immortal.
RANDY: Not yet.
DUNLAP: Come on, Randy. You know no vampire in their right mind would make you one of us. No one can stomach your blood.
RANDY: Please, Dunlap. We used to be such good friends. Couldn’t you do this for me?
DUNLAP: Me? No, even if you didn’t have “B” blood, I couldn’t convert a friend. It’s too weird. Very awkward.
RANDY: You owe me, Dunlap. You remember that time in school when you cheated on a math test?
DUNLAP: You had to bring that up, didn’t you?
RANDY: You had me steal the answers because you wouldn’t be able to play sports with a failing grade. And when we got caught, you would have been thrown off the team all together for cheating. But I took the heat for you. I said it was all me. Now, it’s payback time. You are going to make me a vampire!
DUNLAP: Do you realize how horrible it is to make me do something like this? This is way worse than getting expelled from school.
RANDY: Helping a friend is worse?
DUNLAP: Stop twisting things around.
RANDY: Try to see it from my point of view. I’m one of the last living humans on Earth. There were not that many people with “B” blood to begin with and we’re getting older. Some have died off naturally. And frankly, the other humans don’t like me very much. They say I’m annoying.
DUNLAP: Even the “B’s” shun you?
RANDY: I’m all alone. No one wants anything to do with me.
DUNLAP: Fine, I’ll do it.
RANDY: Really? This means so much to me.
DUNLAP: I guess I’ll be one of those rare vampires who actually knows what “B” blood tastes like. Maybe I could get some special recognition for this and do a lecture tour of something. At the very least, I should do a video… it will go viral.
RANDY: Fine, fine. Whatever it takes. Anything.
DUNLAP: Hey, Ambrose. Come here.
(AMBROSE is at the edge of the stage and shakes his head no)
DUNLAP (CONT.): Get over here. Don’t be afraid. He doesn’t bite.
(AMBROSE still shakes his head no)
RANDY: Not yet.
(DUNLAP gets him and hands him his phone)
DUNLAP: I want you to record this on FangFace Live.
(AMBROSE takes the camera in one hand but plugs nose with the other hand)
DUNLAP (CONT.): I’m going to be the first vampire in a long time to try and drink “B” blood.
RANDY: So which side of my neck do you want?
DUNLAP: We’re just friends. I prefer the wrist.
(RANDY holds out arm. DUNLAP tries to prepare himself mentally)
DUNLAP: Here goes. Drinking the blood of a “B.”
(RANDY is still holding out his arm. DUNLAP tries to move closer but his face scrunches up at the terrible smell)
DUNLAP (CONT.): The smell is making my eyes water. I’ve never been this close to a “B” since I’ve been a vampire. Oh, man. This is too much.
(DUNLAP is getting very sick. RANDY puts his arm in DUNLAP’s hands and lifts it to his face)
RANDY: Do it! Please!
(DUNLAP opens his mouth. AMBROSE faints and falls to the floor. Then DUNLAP coughs and throws his hand over his mouth and runs off stage)
RANDY (CONT.): So close. I wonder if there is a vampire out there without a sense of smell?
(RANDY exits as lights fade to black)
END OF SCENE
(The cafe now has a stage area with a sign that says “COSPLAY POETRY JAM!” for the open mic night sign. Another sign says “perform and get a free drink.” Guy in cow costume comes on stage. RANDY, JENNY, FRANK, BESSIE etc are watching)
MR. MOO: You humans have a love hate relationship with us bovine. We are used and abused. We're all shakes and burgers to you aren't we? You can't get enough of us. You even use our cowbells in music! Don't try to deny it. I know you're always wanting more cowbell in your songs.
(Smiles)
Hey, do you know why cows wear bells?
(Pause)
Because their horns don't work.
(Laughs at his own joke)
A little barnyard humor.
(Frowns when he remembers what he was talking about)
But seriously, we have tried to get along with you. We have tried to give you our fair share. What do you give us in return? You take away our fields... You lock us up in fences. You cage us. We no longer can enjoy those long lazy days of grazing in open prairies. Instead we are imprisoned in corrals of corruption. Corporate corruption which feeds on greed and wants to squeeze every drop out of us for a few extra pennies.
(Angry)
How dairy you?! You butter try harder to get along with us or we're cutting you off faster than you can cut the cheese. No, I'm not milking this for all it is worth.
(Gets sad, almost in tears)
Because it seems like every human is in on it. If it's not corporate hogs then it's those of you who want to protect the prairies and deny us fresh grass to graze upon. Do we too not have a right to be free, to feed openly and enjoy what the Earth provides? Or are we only to give and you only to take?
(Mad again)
We try to get along with you but now you've crossed a line? We're not in mooood anymore. This has gotten udderly ridiculous. I know you're probably going to say something like, “Don't have a cow!” What does that mean anyway?! Well. I'm taking a stand. No more tipping this cow.
(Resolved)
I've decided to be a bully now. I have vowed to steal kids’ milk money. We're keeping our milk. We're denying you Double McWhoppers with cheese.
(Grows proud)
You might ask "Where's the beef?" Well, I'm here to tell you it's right here! Cowabunga!
(MR MOO finishes his speech and walks off the stage and a woman, BESSIE, stops him)
BESSIE: I liked your speech, I’m vegan… I practically live off of wheatgrass… that almost makes me a cow too.
MR MOO: I grew up on a farm… I’ve seen things… terrible things. I had this pet calf once. Bottle fed her because her mother rejected her… she grew with me… but our farm was taken... then they took her from me. I never really got over that.
BESSIE: That’s so sad.
MR MOO: It’s been my mission to rescue as many cows as possible since… I want to make it up to her. I rescue the reject calves they dump… I take pictures and videos of bad conditions… I tell everyone who will listen.
BESSIE: You gave me a whole new outlook - I shouldn’t blame the cows.
MR MOO: No, never.
BESSIE: We blame the machine… the corporate machine… the consumers that drive it.
MR MOO: Right!
BESSIE: I love your passion… this world needs more champions. More people who care.
MR MOO: Maybe you’d like to join my moooo-vement.
BESSIE: And you’re funny too. You’re… cow-tastic.
MR MOO: I hear they make a mean wheatgrass soy latte here.
BESSIE: That sounds yummy.
MR MOO: My treat.
(MR MOO and BESSIE exit to order counter)
END OF SCENE
(RANDY stands up annoyed. JENNY looks at him)
JENNY: Where are you going?
RANDY: Geez, even cows get more action than I do. This sucks. I’m going home.
(RANDY exits and then MARIANNE arrives)
MARIANNE: Randy still here? I wrote something… I wanted him to hear it.
JENNY: Aren’t you mad at him?
MARIANNE: I was. Not anymore. And I can’t stop thinking about him.
JENNY: He might have left. I’ll see if I can find him.
MARIANNE: That’s okay. Maybe you could record my speech on your phone or something and we can send it to him. It might be easier that way.
JENNY: Okay.
(JENNY sits with her phone out. MARIANNE touches a braille page as she speaks. RANDY comes back because he forgot his coat, but stays and listens)
MARIANNE: You say the stupidest things. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I get mad. Sometimes it makes me laugh. But no matter what you say, I always want to hear your voice; Because when you say something good, it’s so very good; When you say something funny, I always smile and feel happy again; And you’re the only guy who doesn’t feel sorry for me; You don’t pity the blind girl, I’m even sure that you know I can’t see; And that’s the nicest feeling, knowing that you don’t care that you see me for something else beside the blind girl. You see me as a woman and I love feeling like a woman with you. I love the way you sniff my hair when you get close...
(Everyone looks nervously at each other and Jenny steps up)
MARIANNE (CONT.): I love the way you breathe on me when we get too close... I love…
JENNY: This doesn’t get too… uh… personal does it?
MARIANNE: Um… well… I don’t know… I’ll skip to the last part then.
(They notice RANDY - and they all clear out and leave them alone)
MARIANNE: So I can forgive you every time you do something dumb, because all the things you do right are so very right and I feel more alive because of you.
RANDY: You really feel that way… about me?
MARIANNE: Randy? You’re still here. Yes, I do feel this way about you.
RANDY: That’s probably the nicest thing anybody wrote about me. Well, it might be the only thing wrote about me but it is the best I ever heard.
MARIANNE : I’m sorry I’ve been so touchy… and weird… I wanted you to know that I am not mad anymore.
RANDY: Why not?
MARIANNE: Because it’s no fun being mad. I want to do the happy stuff now.
RANDY: Like what?
MARIANNE: What makes you happy, Randy?
RANDY: You mean like pizza?
(MARIANNE laughs)
MARIANNE: What makes you happy about me?
RANDY: Oh… you smell good. Really good. I can’t stop, sniffing you.
(MARIANNE goes to him)
MARIANNE: What do I smell like now?
RANDY: Fruit… oranges.
MARIANNE: Close enough. You like that smell?
RANDY: I love that smell. I love all your smells. I didn’t know girls could smell so good. I mean sometime they do poo-foo, but for some reason you smell so much better than the rest of them.
MARIANNE: Poo-foo? (Laughs)
RANDY: That’s what my grannie called it.
MARIANNE: That’s cute.
RANDY: She was pretty cute… and silly.
MARIANNE: Like you.
RANDY: And Jenny. She smells kind of bad.
(MARIANNE laughs)
MARIANNE: You think so?
RANDY: She likes onions… and I can tell when she’s had them on her food. Don’t tell her I said that.
MARIANNE: I won’t.
RANDY: Frank likes onions too so they’re a good match.
MARIANNE: Are we a good match Randy?
RANDY: Are we a match?
MARIANNE: I would like to be.
RANDY: Me too.
MARIANNE: Let’s be a good match then.
RANDY: Okay.
MARIANNE: What you want to do now?
RANDY: Do you like pizza?
(MARIANNE laughs)
MARIANNE: You have a one track mind.
RANDY: I really like pizza.
MARIANNE: Let’s go have some pizza then. On me.
RANDY: Really? This is a good match.
MARIANNE: I think so too.
(They exit)
END OF PLAY
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