"OKAY GANG LET'S SPLIT UP"
funny scene for three actors
by
D. M. Larson
SCENE
(MOOSE, PARKER and ROSIE are three office workers. There is a detective investigating a murder that took place there)
MOOSE
How come he didn't ask us any questions?
(ROSIE holds up a finger to her lips and motions for them to come with her. PARKER, ROSIE and MOOSE go over to a downstage corner and try to be out of earshot of the others)
ROSIE
I don't think he bothered because we're not suspects.
PARKER
And the rest of them are?
ROSIE
Of course... they're all suspicious.
MOOSE
I say it's Sue.
ROSIE
Why?
MOOSE
Because she's mean.
ROSIE
Too obvious.
PARKER
Right. It's always the last one you suspect.
MOOSE
Like... me?
PARKER
Exactly.
MOOSE
I don't think I did it.
ROSIE
You didn't, stupid. Stop freaking him out, Parker.
PARKER
You're no fun.
ROSIE
We have to figure out who did this... and fast.
PARKER
Why?
ROSIE
Because I can't concentrate on my job knowing their might be a murderer on the other side of my cubicle.
MOOSE
But you don't do your job anyway.
ROSIE
Fine... I just don't like knowing there might be a killer in here... it's creepy.
PARKER
I wonder why he crawled to my cube?
MOOSE
You just moved into it too.
ROSIE
Who had your cube before?
PARKER
Some chick. Maybe the boss was looking for her and wanted a kiss goodbye?
ROSIE
Or maybe she was involved.
MOOSE
Who?
ROSIE
The woman who worked in this cube.
MOOSE
Parker's not a woman... is he?
PARKER
Not last time I checked.
ROSIE
What was her name?
MOOSE
Parkette?
ROSIE
What?
MOOSE
Parker's girl name is Parkette.
ROSIE
No, the name of the woman who used to work in Parker's cube before he moved over here.
MOOSE
Oh the hot one.
PARKER
I'm not hot?
(PARKER has stuffed something under his shirt so it looks like he has boobs)
MOOSE
No.
(MOOSE is poking his fake boobs)
PARKER
Is that any way to treat a lady? You really should buy me a drink first.
MOOSE
I don't think they're real.
ROSIE
Brilliant deduction, Sherlock. Speaking of detectives... maybe we better tell the cop about this.
PARKER
Better yet, maybe we could solve the mystery and become heroes.
MOOSE
And get a reward or something.
ROSIE
You know what guys? That's - the - coolest idea ever!
MOOSE
I need one of the spy glass thingies.
PARKER
I need a pipe and a hat.
ROSIE
I need glasses. Smart detective girls always have glasses.
PARKER
How many detective girls are there?
ROSIE
Velma from Scooby Doo?
MOOSE
Oh! We need a talking dog. And I'll be his friend who smokes weed.
ROSIE
Shaggy doesn't smoke weed.
MOOSE
Then why is he so hungry all the time?
ROSIE
Good point.
PARKER
Is this a clue?
(PARKER holds up a hotel room key card. RALPH sees him hold it up and panics)
RALPH
Give me that.
(RALPH grabs it and goes back to his desk)
ROSIE
Why does Ralph have a hotel room key?
MOOSE
Maybe he's on vacation.
ROSIE
Yeah, I'm sure he comes back here during the day and then vacations at night.
PARKER
Maybe he lives in a hotel. I'm not sure why'd he drive so far every day.
ROSIE
How far?
PARKER
That hotel is way out in the boonies. My family used to go out that way during summer vacation so I've seen it, but that's hours away.
ROSIE
Hmmm... so Mr. Clean might have some dirty laundry... hotel key, late to work...
MOOSE
He's late because he had to do his laundry?
ROSIE
Something like that.
PARKER
We have some good dirt already. We're such good detectives.
ROSIE
Okay, gang. Let's split up.
MOOSE
And do what?
ROSIE
I'm not sure but that's what those detectives always do.
PARKER
We have a few clues... I just need to remember the name of that girl who used to have my cube... Cindy? Mandy? Candy? Hmmm...
ROSIE
And maybe we should follow Ralph after work and see where he goes?
MOOSE
Oh and do a stakeout. I'll bring the steaks. One of you two have a bbq?
END OF SCENE
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