TROLLED BY THE GRUFFS
By D. M. Larson
CAST OF CHARACTERS (5)
TROLL: A mythical creature who enjoys gardening.
YOUNGEST BGG: A little billy goat who likes to dance.
MIDDLE BGG: A medium sized billy goat who wants to eat some greens.
BIGGEST BGG: A large billy goat who can get violent.
WOLF: Police officer with the predator patrol.
SCENE
(TROLL lives in a home between two hills. The roof of the home looks a bit like a bridge)
TROLL: My story? Well, let me tell you my side of things, because it’s not fair of you all to say I’m the bad guy in all this. You can’t just assume all trolls are bad and all billy goats are good. That’s like me saying, well, all humans brush their teeth or all humans take a bath. And from the looks of all of you, I can see that’s not true. So you can’t just take one look at me and decide I’m bad because I’m a troll. Those billy goats have ruined everything. They walked all over my roof and then they ate my garden! Then they make up some story about a bridge and how I’m mean to them! You have to let me share my side of the story. This is what really happened with the Three Billy Goats Gruff.
(YOUNGEST BGG enters walks on top of TROLL’s house)
YOUNGEST BGG: I’m a-walking, I’m a-stomping, I’m a-dancing to the beat.
TROLL: Is someone on my roof?
YOUNGEST BGG: I’m a-moving, I’m a-groving, I’m jumping on my feet.
TROLL: Um, well, excuse me little goat, but you’re on my roof.
YOUNGEST BGG: Yikes! You sure is ugly. What are you?
TROLL: I’m the troll who lives in the house you’re standing on.
YOUNGEST BGG: House? I don’t see no house. I just see a bridge.
TROLL: Well, this is definitely a house and I live in it. And that’s my roof, not a bridge.
YOUNGEST BGG: Looks like a bridge to me, see. I can go from one hill to the other like this.
(YOUNGEST BGG jumps and stomps on the roof)
TROLL: Stop that.
YOUNGEST BGG: Stop what? This?
(YOUNGEST BGG jumps and stomps some more)
TROLL: Sorry, but I just don’t like animals jumping and stomping on my roof. It’s very disruptive to my concentration.
YOUNGEST BGG: Hey, don’t get gruff with me. I’ll just hurry along to the otherside.
TROLL: What are you doing over there?
YOUNGEST BGG: I saw all that beautiful green growing over there. I have to get myself a taste.
TROLL: That’s my garden! I don’t want you eating all my veggies. That’s my food.
YOUNGEST BGG: I don’t see a fence or a sign. Looks like it’s fair game to me.
TROLL: Well, I didn’t think anyone would be mean enough to walk over my roof to get to it.
YOUNGEST BGG: Bridge. This is most definitely a bridge.
TROLL: It is not!
YOUNGEST BGG: Hey, don’t yell at me. My siblings won’t like that and they’re right behind me.
TROLL: Oh, no. There’s more of you?
YOUNGEST BGG: Yup, I’m just a little billy goat. But my siblings are much bigger and much stronger and they’ll mess you up good. Here comes one now.
(MIDDLE BGG enters next)
MIDDLE BGG: Hey, there, little one. Where’s that green you told me about?
YOUNGEST BGG: Right over there across the bridge.
TROLL: Not a bridge.
MIDDLE BGG: Looks delicious. Let’s head on over and eat.
TROLL: No, no, no! That’s my roof, not a bridge. And over there is my garden.
MIDDLE BGG: I don’t see a fence or a sign.
YOUNGEST BGG: That’s exactly what I said.
TROLL: Clearly you can see it’s my roof. My house. My roof. And I didn’t think anyone would walk over it to my garden.
MIDDLE BGG: What we have here is a classic misunderstanding.
TROLL: Exactly.
MIDDLE BGG: You seem to think this here bridge is your home and you decided to live under it.
TROLL: What? No!
MIDDLE BGG: And you seem to think those lovely plants over there are all for you and nobody else.
YOUNGEST BGG: How selfish.
TROLL: But I worked for months and months on that garden. It’s my pride and joy. And it will feed me for a year if I take care of it.
MIDDLE BGG: Not after our oldest sibling gets here. Those greens will only last a day or two for us.
TROLL: No, please. Don’t eat my garden.
(BIGGEST BGG enters)
BIGGEST BGG: Where’s those greens you told me about?
MIDDLE BGG: Over there across the bridge.
TROLL: It’s not a bridge. That’s the roof of my house. Please don’t walk on it.
BIGGEST BGG: But that’s the only way over to those greens.
TROLL: Exactly. And I don’t want you eating my garden either.
BIGGEST BGG: Hold up. Wait a minute. Something ain’t right.
TROLL: I know. That’s what I’ve been telling them.
BIGGEST BGG: So you’re telling me that you’re upset that us billy goats are walking on your bridge.
TROLL: Yes.
YOUNGEST BGG: Ha! You just admitted it’s a bridge.
TROLL: No, I didn’t.
MIDDLE BGG: You did. I heard it too.
TROLL: I don’t want you walking on my house or gobbling up my garden.
BIGGEST BGG: What are you going to do if we do? Gobble us up? Isn’t that what ugly, terrible trolls like you do?
TROLL: I really wish you’d all stop saying I’m ugly. For a troll, I’m considered quite attractive.
(All the billy goats laugh at this)
YOUNGEST BGG: Ha! A good looking troll?
MIDDLE BGG: Now, that’s a fairy tale if I’ve ever heard one.
TROLL: I might have shared with you if you’d been a little nicer, but you’ve all been quite gruff with me this whole time. Your gruffness takes all the kindness right out of me.
BIGGEST BGG: Who said we just wanted a share. We want it all.
MIDDLE BGG: And there’s nothing you can do about it.
YOUNGEST BGG: Yeah!
BIGGEST BGG: Cause if you do try anything, I’ve got these two spears on my head and I’ll poke out your eyeballs and pull them out of your ears. Then I’ll take my giant hooves and crush your body and bones to bits!
TROLL: Yikes. So graphic.
YOUNGEST BGG: So step aside and let us across your bridge.
MIDDLE BGG: Or suffer the consequences.
(TROLL looks angry, crosses arms but says nothing)
BIGGEST BGG: Let’s go and eat some greens.
(TROLL turns to WOLF who enters. WOLF has a police hat and badge, looking at a phone or tablet)
TROLL: So that’s my story, officer. That’s what happened.
WOLF: The record does show that this here is your house and that garden is your property.
TROLL: Thank you, officer. Can you please remove them before they destroy all my crops?
WOLF: Gladly. I’m a little full from my last bust with some pigs, but I can probably make room for some goats.
TROLL: One of them is pretty big.
WOLF: You’re a troll. Why don’t you help me gobble them up? It’s well within your rights under predator law.
TROLL: Well, normally, I’m a vegetarian, but perhaps I could make an exception as a way to recover my losses.
WOLF: And those are not meat eaters. Eating herbivores is pretty much like eating a salad for a predator.
TROLL: True.
WOLF: Let’s go take care of those hoodlums and teach them not to mess with the Predator Patrol.
(WOLF howls and goats scream. WOLF chases them around. TROLL gets our a bib and a giant fork and knife)
TROLL: Well, I guess this will be a happy ending after all.
END OF PLAY
STAGING TIPS
If the script is performed on a raised stage, have goats on stage with the stage acting as the roof and troll below in the audience.
Or if a set of stairs is available, have the goats on the stairs and the troll below the stairs.
Or use a raised platform such as a music platform for the top of the house with the troll below.
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