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Pirate Monologues

by D. M. Larson

From the published play "The Pirate and the Princess" ISBN-13: 978-1515169765 Low cost PDF of full play

"Bones the Pirate Girl" by D. M. Larson

I am sick of being at sea. I want to feel solid ground. Oh... To take a nice warm bath... Instead of washing in freezing cold sea water. You see what the sea has done to my hair!

(Removes hat or bandana to reveal a mess).

No more pirate's life for me. No more yo ho with these yo-yos. I am tired of all the bottles and bums. I want to drink from a chilled glass goblet... And have some ice cold milk. Fresh cool milk... and ice... a glass of ice water would even be nice. And you know what else you get when you mix milk and ice... this incredible thing called ice cream. You'll never find that on a pirate ship. I'd give anything for a scoop. But you'll never find anything like that on this rust bucket... no milk, no ice cream, not even an itty bitty ice cube... How come the most wonderful things in life spoil so quickly?


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From "The Pirate and the Princess" (ISBN-13: 978-1515169765) and learn more about Bones:

"Sunset Princess" by D. M. Larson

I'm not going inside until I see the sunset. The sunset is the most beautiful part of my day. Sure, daddy buys me whatever I want. I have all the lovely dresses and jewelry a girl could ever wish for but there's something about a sunset, so magical and unexpected... it's never the same. I treasure that magical moment when the sun touches the sea and sets it on fire.

To touch the sea... How I long to feel the ocean waves... To be free to sail your waters... I would give anything to leave this tower and see where the sun sleeps on the edge of the world. It must be an amazing place... More magical than any place on earth. A warm and loving place. Somewhere I can be free.



"How to be a Pirate" or "An Orchestra of Stink"
by D. M. Larson

Now we need to teach you to be a pirate. Sly will be there to help but you need a few tips from a real pirate first.

Lesson 1... you can't be happy.

Pirates are always grumpy and if something good happens, they growl and get angry. It might look like they are excited but they're not. They're angry that it wasn't better. And they'll stay angry until all the treasures of the world are theirs. And then the anger dies down, they get grumpy again.

Lesson 2... no baths, no washing, no cleaning up, no perfume...

Nope, nada, zip. Pirate's take pride in their stench. It's like a contest or something. And it makes it easier when everyone smells bad. If you're the only one who smells good, it's rough. It's better to blend in the bad smells... it's like an orchestra of stink. If someones out of tune, it throws off the balance.

Lesson number... the next one... You have to stop being so girly. Female pirates are the roughest, toughest, leanest, meanest human beings... nay... creatures! ever travel the sea. If a male steals one gold, you steal two. If a male cuts off one finger, you cut off two. Be better or be dead.



Buy a low cost PDF of the full play "The Pirate and the Princess" at

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This royalty covers all performances that occur within one month's time.

IMPORTANT: Please be sure to get permission from your competition for the script before performing it.


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