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The Creepy Corpse of Cal Capone
by D. M. Larson
Copyright (c) 1998
Copyright (c) 1998
Buy a newer full length version at this link: https://sellfy.com/freedrama/p/EhH2/ or see the old one act version below.
Time
Big City during the
Prohibition Era
Place
Secret
Anti-Prohibition Nightclub
Cast of Characters
Ruth "REMMY" Remmington:
Club owner.
PETE: Drunk patron who is
actually a secret agent. (also plays PRIEST)
FLO and JOE: Patrons and friends of REMMY.
BETH: A patron who also plays a trick on
SAM and SALLY: Other patrons.
SIMON: Confused customer.
KID: Another confused customer.
COP: A police officer who comes to check out the club.
The BOSS: Cal Capone is the owner of club who makes
life difficult for Remmy.
CHARLIE: Quiet piano player.
(4-10 female, 2-8 male, 12 total)
Note
The play can be done as a melodrama or a light-hearted
comedy. The audience
can be encouraged to "boo" at Cal Capone, "sigh" for Remmy, and cheer for
"Pete." When they hear the secret knock, everyone can yell, "It's
the secret
knock!" Basically this play
is meant for theatre groups who wish to ham it up and
have a little fun.
SCENE 1
(Various people are gathered in a
club talking, drinking, and enjoying themselves. Everyone is dressed casually except
for REMMY who wears a nice, white dress. The center of attention is FLO and
JOE, who are arm wrestling)
JOE:
(Straining) you give up yet?
FLO:
(Relaxed) What's the matter, Joe? Tired.
JOE: No way.
BETH: Any more bets? Flo's looking tired.
(FLO starts to weaken)
JOE: I've
got you now.
SAM: Twenty
more dollars on Joe!
FLO: How
much we got, Beth?
BETH: That
makes two hundred dollars for the winner.
FLO: (Slams
down joe's arm) That's enough.
BETH:
(Kisses money) Come to mommy!
SAM: You
cheated us!
SALLY: That ain't fair. We want our money back.
BETH: A
bet's a bet.
SAM: (Pulls
a gun) And a gun's a gun.
REMMY: (Hits
SAM over the head. He falls)
You know the rules.
(Picks up gun like it's a dirty
diaper)
No guns.
SALLY: (Slaps his face) Sam? Sam?
Speak to me.
SAM: Wow, what a headache.
SALLY: Oh, Sam. you're okay.
SAM: Sure I'm okay. What did you say your name was?
SALLY: Oh, Sam. You're gonna make me cry.
(She runs out in tears)
SAM: What
happened?
FLO: Well, you see. Beth was returning your money and you
dropped it on the floor under the table. You were reaching for your money and
then you hit your head. That's when this guy grabbed your money and ran out the
door.
SAM: What?
BETH: You better go get it. He's
got a big head start.
SAM: I'll kill
him!
(SAM runs out angrily)
JOE: Nice story.
FLO: Thanks.
JOE: I need
a drink.
PETE: (Drunk) Ya' know. I knew Elliot Ness.
BETH: Yes,
Pete. We know. We've heard the story a million times.
PETE: And I
was... an Untouchable.
FLO: And you've
been that way ever since. Untouchable.
BETH: If
only he was "unsmellable" too.
PETE: Without me,
they'd never have gotten Al Capone.
FLO: I
wouldn't brag about that. His younger brother owns this club.
PETE: Cal
Capone owns this place?
FLO: That'right.
PETE: You
mean... I'm drinking Capone whiskey?
BETH: Yeap, you're supporting the family you tried to put away.
PETE: Yeah, well, I'll show him. I'm
an honorary officer of the law. I'll take him and his whole gang in. I'll...
I'll...
(Passes out)
FLO: Looks like he's had a little too
much today.
BETH: He has too much everyday.
FLO: What do we do with him?
BETH: Throw
a blanket over him and call him a chair.
(They do and go off to visit with
JOE. There's a knock at the door: shave and a haircut)
REMMY: It's the secret password.
Open the door.
(JOE opens the door and SIMON walks in)
JOE: Who are you?
(Everyone looks nervous and the odd SIMON)
SIMON: Simon. Sim
Simon.
REMMY: How can I help you?
SIMON: The sign outside said,
"Pete Pickled Pig Toes." Is
this where I can get some pickled pig toes?
REMMY: Well,
not exactly.
SIMON:
You're out of business.
REMMY:
WELL....
SIMON:
You're not...
REMMY: Ummm...
SIMON: This
isn't...
REMMY: Uh...
SIMON: An illegal operation.
REMMY: Oh,
please, sir. Please don't tell.
SIMON: But my young lady, as a loyal citizen of this
wonderful nation...
(REMMY pulls out sam's gun)
I didn't see a thing.
REMMY: Good
choice.
SIMON: Can I
ask one thing?
REMMY:
Shoot.
SIMON: Uh...
REMMY: (Puts
away gun) Sorry. Bad choice of words.
SIMON: Why
is a nice gal like you running a bad place like this?
REMMY: It's
a long story. It all starts will my poor old grandmother...
SIMON: She's
ill?
REMMY: No,
she's dead. And she left me my poor, sick grandfather to care for...
SIMON:
Alone? Without any help?
REMMY: My mother helped for a time.
But then they both got sick and died and left my father to care for all us
kids.
SIMON: So you're helping your father?
REMMY: Well, he died too.
SIMON: I'm so sorry.
REMMY: (Now she's in tears) And now I'm left alone to care for my poor brothers and
sisters. All twenty-seven of them,
SIMON:
Twenty-seven!
REMMY: Some
are adopted.
SIMON: Of course.
REMMY:
(Sobbing) There's Ricky and Jimmy and Sandy and...
SIMON: Okay, well I'm sorry to be
running.
REMMY: (Still crying) And Cindy and Timmy and Billy...
SIMON: Perhaps you can
introduce me some time. Gotta go. Bye.
(Exits quickly)
FLO: You
okay, Remmy?
REMMY:
(Sobs) Is he gone yet?
FLO: Yeah.
REMMY:
(Stops crying) Then I'm fine.
BETH: Do you
really have twenty-seven brothers and sisters?
REMMY: Give or take a few. It's so hard to keep track of
them. If only I didn't have to work all the time.
(Knock at door: shave and a haircut)
JOE: It�s the secret knock. I'll get it.
KID: You got any pickled
pigs toes?
(Shuts door)
JOE: You've
got to change that password.
FLO: So
what's on the schedule tonight?
BETH: Yeah,
we want some entertainment.
REMMY: I was
hoping you wouldn't ask.
FLO: Where's
the band?
JOE:
Where's the singer?
REMMY: Quiet! I have something special planned tonight.
PETE: Drinks
on the house?
FLO: Yeap, they're up on the roof, Pete.
PETE: Okay!
(Runs out)
FLO: He'd jump off a bridge if I told him.
REMMY: I
have a contest for ya'. First prize: $ 100.
JOE: I'm in.
What do I got to do?
BETH: A
striptease.
JOE: (Starts
to strip) Whatever you say.
BETH: It was
a joke!
FLO: Put
back on your clothes before you scare away the customers.
REMMY: It's a talent contest. (Blank stares)
You know, like an amateur night.
FLO: What's the
matter? Couldn't you find a real person to entertain us?
REMMY: Come
on. It'll be fun.
JOE: About as much
fan as sticking a fork up my nose.
FLO: Isn't that
your special talent Joe?
PETE:
(reenters) There wasn't nothing up there.
FLO: Gee,
Pete. I don't know what happened.
REMMY: Who
will entertain us first?
(Silence)
It's for one hundred dollars.
PETE: I'll do it.
FLO: This should be good.
PETE: For your information, I was a talented actor in my day.
Did some real serious theatre at one time.
BETH: Bet you really knocked 'em
dead.
FLO: Yeah, with his breath.
PETE: Go ahead and laugh. Once you
hear me sing you'll be sorry.
JOE: I'm sure we will.
PETE: (To CHARLIE, who is sleeping at the piano) Maestro?
Ready?
(CHARLIE nods, pretending to
understand)
A one, a two, a...
(PETE passes out on the floor. JOE,
FLO, and BETH applaud)
JOE: Beautiful!
FLO: Stunning performance.
BETH:
Encore', encore'
(PETE is dragged off)
REMMY:
Anyone else?
JOE: No one
could top that.
REMMY:
Anyone?
FLO: You're
turn, Remmy. Show up how it's done.
REMMY: Me? Oh, no. I don't...
BETH: If you
will, we will.
REMMY:
Promise?
FLO: Cross
our hearts...
JOE: (Aside)
And hope you die.
REMMY: Okay.
(Whispers song to CHARLIE)
Here goes...
SONG: "You are my sunshine."
(SINGS badly)
REMMY: How was it?
JOE: That was an interesting way of doing that song.
FLO: I never knew such music was possible.
BETH: I was
moved.
REMMY: Who's
next?
BETH: Me,
me. It's my turn. I'm next.
REMMY: Okay.
What are you going to sing?
BETH: It's a little something I just made up, but I think it
will catch on and be sung for many years to come.
JOE: Start
already.
BETH: Okay. Here goes. It's the song that never ends. It goes
and on and on my
friends... (She continues to sing the
song over and over)
JOE: Make her
stop.
REMMY: Beth.
Oh, Beth. Time's up. Beth.
FLO: Maybe if you
give her the hundred-dollar prize, she'll stop.
REMMY: Okay,
here. Just stop.
BETH:
(Stops) Thank you.
FLO: The
winner!
PETE:
(Wakes) What's that? Did I win?
FLO: No, Pete. But it was close.
REMMY:
(Helps him into chair) There you go.
PETE: I need
another drink.
REMMY: I
think you've had enough.
PETE: I'm
not drunk. I'm just pretending. I'm under cover you know.
JOE: And
pretty soon you'll be under the table.
(Knock at door)
JOE: That's not the secret knock.
REMMY: Quick
everyone. To your places.
(Everyone rushes around and hides
liquor and changed gambling for checkers, etc. Jars of pickles are set out)
JOE: (More knocking) That
sounds like a cop knocking.
REMMY: Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
JOE: Ready?
REMMY: Let'em in.
COP: Police raid!
JOE: Come on in.
REMMY: Care for any pickled pig toes?
COP: Sorry, ma'am. I thought
this was an illegal booze operation.
REMMY: As you can see, this is a reputable joint.
COP: I'm sure I smelled some
alcohol.
REMMY: It must be the stuff we pickle
with. People often make that mistake.
COP: (Sees PETE passed out) What's with him?
REMMY: Oh, he's in charge of... tasting
the pickling juice... to make sure it's the right mixture.
COP: You sure
that's safe.
REMMY: He
isn't dead is he?
COP: (Pokes him) I
don't know. I can't tell.
REMMY: Trust
me, he's fine.
COP: (Picks
up jar) These look like pickles.
REMMY: Isn't that amazing? That's
what happens when you pickle pigs' feet.
They turn out just like pickles.
COP: Well,
what do you know?
REMMY: Amazing, isn't it?
(Pushes him out)
I suppose you'll want to be going.
COP: I do have to
go. Sorry to disturb you.
REMMY: Don't
mention it. Bye.
(Pushes him out door and closes it)
That was close.
(Everyone changes the place back as before. REMMY sighs and then there is
another knock at the door)
Here we go again.
(Everyone starts changing back again)
COP: (Opens
door) I just wanted to say...
REMMY:
(Tries to close door on him. Everyone is frantic) What's
that?
COP: If you ever
need anything, give me a call...
REMMY: Okay,
thank you.
(Pushes him out and shuts door)
That was way too close.
(They start to change back and then
there's another knock)
I'm going to kill him.
JOE: No, Remmy!
REMMY: (Opens
door and points gun) Now look here!
REMMY:
JOE: Back
about your business. It's the Boss.
ALL:
(They greet him warmly)
PETE:
(Passes out unnoticed)
ALL: What?!
REMMY: You
can't mean it.
hanging around outside your door. This ain't no way to run a business.
REMMY: But what will I do? This club is my life. And my family... Little Joey, little Timmy, little Tommy....
FLO: That's not fair. You can't close the club.
BETH: Who needs you? We can make our own club.
(Picks up a chair and throws it)
You don't use any clubs!
(He rips up a napkin)
And you know what happens to people who
walk into someone else's club. They don't walk anymore.
FLO: Okay. We got the point.
(They back off)
PETE: You
don't need this guy, Remmy. You can get along just
fine without him.
PETE: What's
that?
REMMY:
Contract with the devil.
FLO: You can't hold her to that can you?
REMMY: I gave my word...
REMMY: Oh, no. Not section 2. Anything
but section 2.
FLO: What's section 2?
REMMY: I'm not sure I remember.
FLO: That can't be legal!
REMMY: (Pleads) Without this club,
my family will be thrown out into the street. I can't make enough money making
whiskey for you. I know I'm not making the kind of money you're used to but the prices you're charging...
REMMY: Give me one more month...
REMMY: I'll do anything to keep this club open.
REMMY: Well...
FLO: Think about that one carefully, Remmy.
FLO: Fine, fine. Anything you say, Boss.
REMMY: Anything.
REMMY: ANYTHING.
REMMY: Marry?
ALL: Marry?!
REMMY: Oh, no.
REMMY: Oh, my.
REMMY: Oh, God.
(Laughs evilly again and heads for
door. He runs into PETE)
Watch where you're going, drunk!
PETE: Sorry, there big guy. Didn't see you.
(Brushes him off)
You sure you okay?
(Exits)
FLO: What
you are thinking, Remmy?! You can't many him.
REMMY: It's
the only way to help my family.
BETH:
There's got to be a better way.
PETE: I know
a way...
FLO: Shut up, Pete. This is serious.
PETE: Fine, then I won't tell you the secret weakness of the Capones.
REMMY: Secret weakness?
JOE: You're
so full of it, Pete.
PETE: Fine,
I won't help.
REMMY:
Please, Pete. I'm desperate.
PETE: Nope,
I'll only help if they apologize.
REMMY: Would
you all say you're sorry?
FLO: No way.
JOE: Nope.
BETH: Forget
it.
REMMY:
Please, do it for me.
FLO: Fine.
Sorry, Pete.
JOE and
BETH: Sony.
PETE: That
wasn't a real sorry.
FLO: Oh,
come on.
PETE: I want a good one.
JOE: This is
stupid.
PETE: I want
the best darn apology anyone has ever heard.
BETH: Come
on, Pete.
PETE: I want
an apology! Apology, apology.
REMMY: Please, guys.
(FLO, BETH, and JOE sigh and look at
each other)
Please.
FLO, BETH, JOE: (Together) We are so
sorry, Pete. We are more sorry than words can say. We
are more sorry than people can be sorry. We...
PETE: Okay, okay. I get the point. Don't rub it in.
REMMY: Thank you.
Pete. Now what's the secret?
(PETE clears his throat and passes
out)
FLO: Not again.
REMMY: Get some coffee. The good stuff
(JOE runs for it)
BETH: He's
coming around.
REMMY: Thank
goodness.
PETE: What
happened?
FLO: You
passed out.
PETE: Where
am I?
BETH: This
is useless.
REMMY:
Please, Pete. You've got to help me.
PETE: Remmy? Remmy, is that you, my
love?
FLO: My love?
REMMY: Pete,
please. Not here.
BETH: What's
going on?
(JOE returns with coffee)
PETE: Oh,
sorry. I think I've blown my cover.
(Drinks coffee)
FLO: Cover?
PETE: I'm
Secret Agent Pete Eagle. Untouchable division.
JOE: No way.
FLO: You
mean you were pretending all this time?
PETE: I was.
BETH: But why?
PETE: It was all for Remmy. At
first I came in here undercover, trying to get enough dirt to put
(REMMY and PETE join hands)
REMMY:
You've discovered me in the middle of my worst nightmare.
PETE: I hope
I can turn this into your most wonderful dream.
FLO: But, but...
BETH: I
can't believe it.
JOE: I
didn't know you had it in you, Pete.
REMMY: Oh,
Pete. What can we do? Do you think we can really get
PETE: I
don't know. I really need more time, but time is something we don't have.
FLO: What can you do?
PETE: For starters, we now have this.
(Takes out the contract)
REMMY: My
contract!
FLO: How did
you...?
PETE: I
lifted it from him when I ran into him as he was leaving.
JOE: Way to
go!
REMMY:
You've saved me.
PETE: But we
still have to catch
FLO: How are
we going to do that?
PETE: Remmy's going to have to marry him.
ALL: What?!
REMMY: You can't mean it. You can't. I thought you.
PETE: You
must. It's the only way.
REMMY: But I
don't love him. I love you.
PETE: We
must all make sacrifices.
REMMY: Oh,
Pete.
(She runs out crying)
FLO: That
was mean.
PETE: I have
to let her think she has to marry
BETH: Why?
PETE:
Because my plan won't work otherwise.
JOE: So you
have a plan?
PETE: Yes,
and you three can help me.
(They huddle as the lights fade to black)
SCENE 2
(Lights come up slightly on
REMMY: (She comes in sobbing wearing black) I... I... I'm ready.
REMMY: Is that all you can say? This is the worst day of my life and all you
can say is "nice dress."
REMMY: Oh! My met
(JOE and FLO enter)
REMMY: At least my friends are here.
JOE: We couldn't skip out on you, Remmy.
FLO: We knew you could use some
support.
REMMY: You can say that again.
FLO: We knew you could...
(Everyone stands nervously in silence)
JOE: Didn't you get a cake?
(They are quiet
again)
FLO: You didn't get a bouquet?
Next person who talks gets it!
PRIEST: (PETE in disguise, though hopefully audience can't
tell either) Hello, my children. (
PRIEST: I
understand, my son.
FLO: Yeah, a horror show.
FLO:
Nothing.
PRIEST: Are
we ready? Let us begin. Love goes back to the beginning of time...
PRIEST: The
short version?
PRIEST:
Well, we must a few things straight first.
PRIEST: Do
you love this woman?
(Slaps her on the rear)
PRIEST: Do
you love this man?
REMMY: I
most certainly...
(
Well...
PRIEST: I
can not perform the ceremony pointing a gun at the bride.
PRIEST: I suppose I could do it then.
PRIEST: Do you, Cal
Capone...
(Ghostly voice booms out. GHOST is BETH
in disguise)
GHOST: Cal Capone.
JOE: What was what?
FLO: I didn't hear anything.
PRIEST: Take this woman...
GHOST: Kill this woman...
JOE: Are you okay?
FLO: I don't hear anything.
(Motions to REMMY to play along)
PRIEST: Shall we continue?
GHOST: Get out of here!
PRIEST: Do you Cal Capone...
GHOST: Cal Capone...
PRIEST: Take this woman...
GHOST: Kill this woman...
PRIEST: Ruth Remmington.
GHOST: Sadie Smithington!
FLO: Who?
GHOST: Sadie!
(The other back off as GHOST approaches)
GHOST: I've come for you, Cal!
GHOST: You
must pay!
PRIEST: Are
you okay, my son?
FLO: We can't
see anything.
JOE: Who are
you talking to?
JOE: You're
nuts, man.
GHOST: I
have come to drive you nuts!
GHOST: I
will be with you every day of your life.
GHOST: I
will be never leave you.
GHOST: You
must never marry again!
GHOST: You must never ruin a woman's life like you ruined
mine.
REMMY: You
mean it?
GHOST: Tell
her you mean it!
GHOST: Now tell her she can keep the club.
GHOST: And
you'll never bug her again!
REMMY: Promise?
GHOST:
Promise her!
GHOST: Now
go! Go! Go!
(
REMMY: You
did it!
FLO: Look at
him run.
JOE: And the
cops are waiting for him around the corner too.
REMMY: Did
Pete call the police?
FLO: Pete thought this whole thing up.
REMMY: How
did you get a priest to cooperate?
FLO: He's a friend of a friend.
REMMY: Oh, father. I don't know how
to thank you.
(Goes to him)
PRIEST: I can think of a way.
(He kisses her)
REMMY:
Father!
PRIEST:
Mother. (Kisses her again. Unmasks himself) Surprise!
REMMY: Pete!
PETE: You're safe now, Remmy. I
don't think Cal will be bothering you
anymore.
REMMY: Oh,
thank you, Pete. How can I ever repay you?
PETE: I'm
sure I'll think of something.
(They kiss again and lights fade to black)
END OF PLAY
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