CAST OF CHARACTERS
(4 Females)
MABEL - Owner of a music studio who wants to start an all
drummer band and dresses a bit like Madonna
SLUG - Goth type who makes weird sounds and turns makeshift
objects into instruments
HEIDI - Hick/country girl who loves to play the cowbell
BEA - Classically trained musician who dreams of being a rock
star.
SCENE 1
(It is 1985. Mabel is the owner of a small music studio. She
is dressed a bit like Madonna)
Mabel
Hi everyone... this is the studio... the is where the magic
happens... or will happen. Nothing magical yet... except for the scream I did
when I found a rat... over there. I call the scream magical because it
made my nose tingle. Anyway... this is where the next big band is going
to birth itself. And you're a witness to the first moments of it's
life... take it in... take a moment to let the aura ooze over you. Yes...
feel it... yummy. So, I'm a drummer and believe it or not, drummers do
start bands. Rush, the Eagles, Van Halen, Pink Floyd. My idea is an all
percussion rock band. I'll gather all the best drummers in the area and
we'll form a supergroup that will blow everyone away... literally. I need
a good band name... "Blow you away"? "Loud Bangers"? "Screaming
Rats"? I'll figure something out. Where is that rat anyway? He
usually comes out to say hi. We've made friends. Maybe he could be
the band mascot or something. I could get a clear bass drum and he could
run around inside on a little wheel. I think his hearing is damaged
already from all my practicing so I don't think he'll care. He likes the
beat. So you ready to rock?!
Mabel goes to her drum set and plays wildly.
SCENE 2 -
INT. STUDIO. DAY.
Slug is a punk rocker who enters. She sniffs around the
studio and picks up random things, taps on them and makes weird sounds in
reply. Mabel enters excited.
MABEL
Hey, you here to audition?
Slug makes an odd sound and holds up the audition flyer.
SLUG
Name's Slug.
MABEL
That... is... so... awesome! I totally love that
name... like Sting or the Edge.... Slug... love it!
SLUG
I hate it. But I'm stuck with it. No one calls me
anything else.
MABEL
What's your real name?
SLUG
I don't remember.
MABEL
Okay... well... what do you play?
SLUG
Anything. Everything. I play the world around me.
MABEL
Oh, cool! You mean like Stomp?
SLUG
Yeah, I stomp on things. A rat! I'll stomp it!
Slug stomps and there is a squeak. Slug makes a sound
back.
MABEL
No! That's our mascot.
SLUG
A rat?
MABEL
We're the "Squeaky Sextet"... well that's if I can get that
many band members.
SLUG
Hate the name... how about the Squeaky Slugs?
MABEL
Named after you?
SLUG
When you see me play... you'll be like ready to slug
something. It works.
MABEL
I'll keep working on a name.
SLUG
Whatever. You got any food?
MABEL
I think I gave the last of the pizza to Squeaky.
Slug finds the box of pizza on the floor and grabs it and
plops down on a sofa.
SLUG
Squeaky left the crust... why does everyone leave the
crust? I love the crust.
Slug starts eating the crust.
END OF SCENE
SCENE 3
HEIDI is a redneck/hick looking woman in overalls and is
hitting a steady rhythm on a cowbell. She stops and smiles a big grin.
HEIDI
You gotta love the cowbell. The most underrated but
most loved musical instrument of all time. Sure, I've played more
socially acceptable instruments like the triangle and the bells... I've been
one of the best church bell ringers around... no, not like Quasimodo.
She does a Hunchback ringing a bell imitation.
HEIDI (COnT.)
I'd play them pretty sounding bells in the church bell choir.
She pretends to do pretty bells and makes the sound (or
actually has a couple she plays).
HEIDI (CONT.)
They said I was one of the best. But I was seduced by
the rocking rhythm of the cowbell.
She does some cowbells and dances a bit.
HEIDI (CONT.)
Some of the greatest classic bands of all time used
cowbells. Really! The Beatles, Hendrix, CCR, Zepplin and the Stones
all used cowbell. Cowbell is the power behind some of the most rocking songs of
all time.
She starts playing the cowbell during the following:
HEIDI (CONT.)
Feel the rock... feel the rhythm... the feel the power... of
the cowbell.
She starts to head bang and lights fade to black.
SCENE 4
Lights come up on Heidi and Slug in the studio. Slug is
setting up some weird items that she will play and Heidi watches with curious
excitement. Mabel enters with Bea.
MABEL
Hey, everyone! I have final band member for our all girl, all drummer band!
BEA
All woman.
HEIDI
All percussion.
MABEL
Right... the is Bea Stoven.
SLUG
Beethoven!
HEIDI
That's a great stage name.
BEA
That's my real name. Bea... Stoven.
SLUG
Wow, you're parents actually named you Beethoven, after the
dog?
Bea
What? No, Bea... Bea Stoven.
SLUG
Yeah, like the dog.
BEA
No... like the composer.
SLUG
What?
HEIDI
You know the song... Roll over Beethoven.
SLUG
Oh... no.
HEIDI
You really need to get out more.
SLUG
I hate out.
MABEL
Bea... these are our other band members, Heidi...
HEIDI
Howdy!
Heidi gives Bea a hardy handshakes which Bea seems annoyed by.
MABEL
And Slug.
Bea
I see... how appropriate.
Slug makes a fist and punches her other hand.
SLUG
Don't make me show you where I got the name.
HEIDI
What brings you here, Bea. What you play?
BEA
I always wanted to be in an actual rock band. I was classically trained at some of the best schools in the country. I could have been a percussionist for some of the greatest symphonies in our country, but I decided I wanted to rock and roll.
MABEL
You've come to the right place.
BEA
And I play the xylophone and the cymbals.
SLUG
You have to get classically trained to play the cymbals?
BEA
There is an art to it... I wouldn't expect you to understand.
SLUG
What's that mean?
MABEL
Ladies... please... let's not fight... we're drummers...
BEA
Percussionists...
MABEL
And we make peace. We're the ones that hold the band
together. We're the harmony and the beat.
BEA
You're right noble lead. Show us the way. What
song do you have for us first?
MABEL
I was thinking we'd improvise, in a jazz sort of way.
HEIDI
Works for me.
BEA
Improvise... I don't know...
SLUG
They never taught you to improvise at them fancy schools of
yours?
BEA
I have been schooled in a variety of music theory.
SLUG
Then improvise.
Slug and Heidi begin playing. Mabel happily goes to her
drum set and joins in. Bea looks confused and a bit stressed. She
carefully gets out her symbols, looks at the others with a painful look.
Stands with her cymbals waiting for the right moment. She almost plays a
few times. Finally Mabel stops them.
MABEL
Whoa, whoa... hold a second everyone...
When they stop and it's quiet, Bea smiles and crashes her
cymbals together.
MABEL (CONT.)
Maybe I better rethink this a bit.
HEIDI
It sounded good to me.
HEIDI starts playing again and SLUG joins her as lights fade
to black.
SCENE 5
Bea looks around the room at all the instruments.
BEA
Sometimes you're given everything and it means
nothing. My parents gave me all the lessons, all the support...
everything I needed to succeed as a classically trained musician, but somehow,
I was left feeling empty. I slowly realized what I was doing had nothing
to do with me, but everything to do with them. I spent most of my life
doing things for others, trying to figure out what other people want me to
do. I was always guessing at what might make my parents happy, my friends
happy... I never asked myself, what would make me happy. I was so worried about
people not liking me... and thinking I was selfish. But being selfless can
leave a person feeling less... empty. And without an identity. So I finally got
tired of it all and quit. Quit everything... quit the symphony... quit
the social pressure... quit worrying about what my parents thought of me and
found out who my real friends were. Who could appreciate me for me... not for
what I can do or do for them. And you know I realized after I thought a
little bit about myself? I realized I wanted to be a rock star. I
know... it's crazy, but it's something I can get excited about... it's
something that makes me feel alive. And even if I fail, at least I tried
and at least I was happy. How many people can say they are happier with a
failure than a success?
Scene 6
Heidi is looking at Bea and studying her.
BEA
What's the matter? Do I have something on my face? I
hate it when I get food on my face or my makeup smears.
Bea gets out a compact mirror and looks at herself.
HEIDI
That's the problem, Bea. You're too perfect looking.
BEA
What?
HEIDI
This is a rock band. No one ever looks good in a rock
band. Neat ain't cool.
BEA
What do you mean? The lady who was the lead singer of
Culture Club always looks very nice.
HEIDI
That lady is a dude.
BEA
Oh.
HEIDI
Well, that's the exception. If a dude looks like a
lady, then he can look pretty but women in rock bands ain't supposed to be so
pretty.
BEA
So what do you propose?
HEIDI
Makeover!
BEA
Oh no.
HEIDI
Oh yes. We gotta mess up your hair.
BEA
But I work so hard on it.
HEIDI
Yes, it's perfect, but perfect is so wrong for a rock star.
BEA
I'm not a rock star.
HEIDI
You won't be with that attitude.
Heidi gives Bea big hair and sprays it.
BEA
Sorry.
HEIDI
Don't be sorry either. Rock stars are never sorry.
BEA
Never sorry. Got it.
Bea's hair looks crazy.
HEIDI
Hair is getting better. Now for makeup...
BEA
Could we do something like Kiss? I always thought their
makeup was cool.
HEIDI
Sorry... too 70's. This is the 80's now. I was
thinking less makeup.
BEA
Less? Oh no. Now that's scary.
Mabel enters.
HEIDI
Guys wear makeup... women don't. That's the rules of rock.
MABEL
What about Madonna?
HEIDI
Yes... what about Madonna? She's not rock and roll.
MABEL
What? Are you kidding me? She's the best thing out there.
HEIDI
Better than Zeppelin? better than the Stones? Better
than the Beatles?
Slug enters sleepily.
MABEL
You'll see... she'll be the greatest their ever was.
HEIDI
She'll be yesterday's news and forgotten in a year.
SLUG
We gonna play some music or what?
MABEL
You bet. I have some sheet music for you.
SLUG
Sheet music?
MABEL
I thought the improvising was nice...
HEIDI
Nice?
MABEL
But maybe some planning might be in order. After all,
we are breaking new ground.
SLUG
With Na Na Hey Hey Good-bye?
MABEL
Let's give it a try.
(If the actors are able to play the song, then they try it out here. If not, then the scene continues)
BEA
That's kind of mellow isn't it?
HEIDI
And totally lame.
MABEL
I like it and Banarama just covered it.
HEIDI
Oh, Banarama... gag me.
MABEL
Why are you in such a mood? Not enough cow bell in the
song for you?
HEIDI
Can't we do something with a bit more power to it? Like Costello's "Lover's Walk"?
BEA
I like the sound of that.
HEIDI
It goes something like this...
(They either play if actors are able or Mabel stops them
right away)
MABEL
No, no. Wait a minute. This is my group and I say we
play Na Na Hey Hey.
BEA
I thought this group belonged to all of us.
HEIDI
Either we all get a say in this or we all say "hey hey
good-bye".
MABEL
I started this band so I'm the leader. Deal wit hit.
HEIDI
I can't work like this. I quit.
MABEL
Fine.
BEA
I don't know about this, Mabel.
MABEL
Fine, you quit too.
BEA
That isn't what I...
MABEL
I know you and Heidi are all buddy, buddy. Go with her
too for all I care.
HEIDI
Let's go, Bea.
Bea notices Slug. Slug is crying but trying to hide it.
BEA
Slug? Are you okay?
SLUG
Yeah, whatever.
BEA
Are you crying?
SLUG
No, shut up.
HEIDI
Slug is crying.
MABEL
What's the matter, Slug?
SLUG
Nothing.
MABEL
Are you upset because we're fighting?
SLUG
I don't want to talk about it okay?
HEIDI
Look... I won't quit okay? I'll play "Na na na na."
SLUG
I hate "na na na na."
MABEL
So you're crying because of the song.
SLUG
No, geez. Just drop it okay?
BEA
But we're all your friends, Slug. You can talk to us.
SLUG
Are you my friends? Really?
HEIDI
Of course we are.
SLUG
But friends don't quit right? They don't walk out on
you.
BEA
That's why you're upset. Because we quit.
SLUG
Everyone's always quitting on me. My whole life... all the
people I get to know... quit. I never do. I'm loyal. I stay. But
they all leave me. Started with my dad... he quit on us when I was little and
my mom quit on me even though she was still around. She quit caring and quit
feeling anything. Everything I tried, every friend I made, quit on me in some
way... I always felt like I failed them... and drove them away. But
here... I finally thought I'd found a place where I could be a part of
something. This time we've been together has been the best days of my
life. Sounds pathetic but it's true. I've never been happier than I've
been playing music with all of you. Coming here each day gives me something to
live for, something to make me drag my lazy carcass out of bed. I feel so alive
here, playing with all of you. And it's more than just living... it's the
fact I found a place in this world. A place where I matter and I fit in. I
didn't feel lost anymore.
Mabel, Heidi and Bea all look at each other sheepishly and
then they look at Slug with smiles.
SLUG
Hug me and you all die.
MABEL
What do you say we try something we a beat?
Mabel hands out a new song.
HEIDI
I say... yeah!
BEA
Let's rock!
SLUG
And roll!
Lights fade to black and a song with strong drums plays - or
if the actors are able, they can end the scene with a song.
END
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