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SOMEBODY FAMOUS

By

D. M. Larson

 

Copyright (c) 2005

All Rights Reserved*

 

Cast of Characters

(5w 2m)

 

DONNA – Prisoner who is a computer hacker with a plan to escape

MACY – Ditzy prisoner who loves jewelry and loves GUS

REGGIE – Wise-cracking prisoner who loves a good scam

GUS – Bumbling guard who likes MACY

MELINDA – Famous actress who is in jail for murder

CAPTAIN – Tough guard who bosses everyone around

12006 – Quiet prisoner who prefers to go by her number rather than name

 

Time and Place

A present day old theatre in New Mexico.


 


ACT 1

 

(Lights come up on an old theatre that has seen better days. The stage is littered with junk and debris. It looks as if a play had a closing night and everything was left to rot and never put away. Three women in yellow jumpers enter with cleaning supplies [MACY, DONNA, and 12006]. They are followed by two security guards [CAPTAIN and GUS].)

 

CAPTAIN

Welcome to your tour of duty, ladies.

 

DONNA

Wow, Captain. You know how to pick 'em.

 

MACY

What is this place anyway?

 

GUS

It's a theatre.

 

MACY

A theater? But where's the movie screen? And the popcorn.

 

GUS

I like popcorn.

 

CAPTAIN

It's not that kind of theatre you idiots. It's a play theatre.

 

MACY

Play theatre? Where they play what?

 

CAPTAIN

Oh, forget it.

 

DONNA

Don't worry, Captain. I'll explain it to her.

 

CAPTAIN

Don�t bother. Just get to work.

 

DONNA

So what are we supposed to do?

 

CAPTAIN

Clean the place.

 

DONNA

What for?

 

CAPTAIN

So Macy can play.

 

MACY

Really?

 

CAPTAIN

No! Now get to work.

                        (Heads off)

Watch em, Gus. Gotta take a pee.

 

GUS

Yes, sir. I got my eye on them.

                        (Follows CAPTAIN off)

 

CAPTAIN

                        (Off)

Get back in there.

 

GUS

                        (Re-enters)

Yes, sir, Captain.

 

MACY

What a grouch.

 

GUS

Sorry about that. He gets that way when he doesn't get his donuts.

 

MACY

What happened to his donuts?

 

GUS

I don't know. I bought him a couple like always and set them up in the front seat and after I loaded you all up they were gone.

 

DONNA

                        (Sees 12006 and REGGIE eating something)

Gee, wonder where they went.

 

GUS

                        (Sees 12006 with a mouthful)

What have you got in your mouth?

                        (12006 ignores him)

I'm talking to you prisoner.

                        (To MACY)

What's her name again?

 

MACY

We don't know.

 

GUS

You don't know? What do you call her?

 

DONNA

She likes to be called by her number.

 

GUS

You mean 12006?

 

DONNA

That's right.

 

GUS

That has to the stupidest

                        (Turns and 12006 is in his face)

thing I've ever said.

                        (12006 goes back to her cleaning)

Can't we call her 6 for short?

                        (12006 gives him a dirty look)

Guess not.

 

MACY

                        (Trying to be friendly to 12006)

How about 006? Just like James Bond.

                        (12006 gives her a really dirty look)

Actually I love the sound of 12006. Rolls right off the tounge. Just like Tiffany. I love that name.

                        (12006 rolls her eyes and goes back to cleaning)

 

GUS

Tiffany is a pretty name. Maybe I'll name my first daughter that.

 

MACY

                        (Pouty)

You having a baby with someone?

 

GUS

No. I'm not even dating now.

 

MACY

                        (Smiles)

Really?

 

GUS

I just haven't met the right lady yet I guess. Momma says some lady will see how special I am one day.

 

MACY

I think you're special, Gus.

 

DONNA

We all think you're special.

                        (12006 smiles at this)

 

MACY

Maybe the right lady is right before your eyes and you don�t even know.

 

GUS

                        (Looks at MACY longingly and she returns his gaze)

Maybe,

 

REGGIE

Wow, that was sweeter than those donuts.

 

DONNA

If you guys want to get a room, I'll keep an eye on things here.

 

GUS

                        (Gets all official)

I have no clue what you're talking about.

 

MACY

                        (Hurt)

You don't?

 

DONNA

I thought you guys were about to pick out china patterns.

 

REGGIE

I thought they were about to get busy!

                        (12006 smiles)

 

GUS

Back to work, or, or,

 

REGGIE

Or what?

 

GUS

I'll go get the captain.

 

MACY

Leave Gus alone. He's nice.

 

REGGIE

He'd like to be real nice to you.

                        (GUS is uneasy)

He's blushing. Ha! I guess they think we must be pretty lightweight if they send Gus to watch us.

 

DONNA

I know the three of us are. But how do you explain 12006?

 

MACY

What's she in for?

 

REGGIE

Come on. We're all innocent. You know that.

 

MACY

I wish I was innocent.

 

REGGIE

So what did you do?

 

MACY

Shoplifting.

 

REGGIE

Shoplifting. That's it?

 

DONNA

When you take a five finger discount on jewelry it's a bit more serious.

 

REGGIE

What did you steal?

 

DONNA

She got caught with enough jewelry to open her own store.

 

MACY

I'm sorry but I like pretty things.

 

REGGIE

So if I wave something shiny will you chase it?

 

MACY

                        (After a moment)

Maybe.

 

REGGIE

I had a cat like that once. Hey, is that where they get that word cat-burgler?

                        (MACY starts sweeping and cleaning with 12006)

 

DONNA

Don't know. I'd google it if they'd let us use the internet.

                        (Directs last part at GUS)

 

GUS

You're not allowed near anything like a computer.

 

DONNA

I can't even get near a phone.

 

REGGIE

Why not?

 

DONNA

I'm in for hacking.

 

REGGIE

Hacking?

 

DONNA

Computer hacking.

 

REGGIE

Why can't you get near a phone?

 

DONNA

I cost MCI a whole lot of money and they got the judge to do that. I think I'm the reason they went bankrupt a few years back.

 

GUS

More work and less talk.

 

REGGIE

Hey, my break ain't over yet.

 

GUS

You can't have a break until you start working.

 

REGGIE

                        (Pushes her broom a few times and then stops again)

How's that?

 

GUS

You want me to get the Captain?

 

REGGIE

I wouldn't if I was you. Remember last time you called him out of that adult bookstore down the street. He was pissed.

 

GUS

                        (Nervous)

He was, wasn't he?

 

MACY

Don�t worry, Gus. We'll work.

                        (MACY cleans as does DONNA)

 

DONNA

                        (While working)

So Reggie. What you in for?

                        (REGGIE ignores her and starts cleaning for the first time)

Sorry, what you falsely accused of?

 

REGGIE

They say I was passing around stolen check but I don't think they had enough evidence to convict.

 

DONNA

And what about 12006?

 

REGGIE

Who knows?

 

MACY

She's not in red so she didn't kill anybody!

 

                        (12006 gives MACY a dirty look)

 

REGGIE

yet.

 

                        (MACY moves and cleans closer to GUS)

 

MACY

So why are we cleaning this theatre?

 

GUS

Warden got this special funding for what he calls Drama Therapy from the state arts council.

 

REGGIE

Drama therapy? Where's the drama in this?

 

DONNA

Are we going to do anything besides clean this place?

 

GUS

Not that I know of. I saw two contracts. One with money for drama therapy and the other for cleaning up this theatre for the city.

 

DONNA

So the warden gets money from the arts council and then gets money again from the city. The city gets a cleaned up theatre and we supposedly get something out of it too.

 

REGGIE

Wait. I�ve heard of drama therapy and that's acting and stuff. This ain�t acting.

 

GUS

Sorry, that's all I know.

 

MACY

Maybe if we whistle why we work. Or sing,

                        (Dances and sings with her broom)

Chim-chimminy, chim-chimminy, chim, chim.

                        (MACY runs into 12006)

Or not.

 

REGGIE

So basically the warden is ripping off the state arts council.

 

GUS

Oh, he wouldn't do that.

 

MACY

Maybe he's got some kind of idea for us after we clean this up. Maybe we'll do a play.

 

REGGIE

I vote for Oh, Calcutta.

 

                        (12006 smiles at this idea)

 

DONNA

So where did the warden get this brilliant idea of his?

 

GUS

Well, the rumor,

                        (Looks around)

 

DONNA

It's okay, Gus. The captain's not that quick of a reader.

 

REGGIE

And the man enjoys his dirty novels very much.

 

GUS

I shouldn't be telling you guys nothing.

 

                        (GUS turns away and DONNA pushes MACY over to him)

 

MACY

Please, Gus. Could you maybe tell us a little what you heard?

 

GUS

Well, I'll tell you, Macy.

 

                        (Others pretend to work but are moving closer and closer to GUS)

 

MACY

So what'd you hear?

 

GUS

I heard that the warden is doing this to get a little media attention. See, we got a new inmate coming. Somebody famous.

 

MACY

Famous? Who?

 

GUS

Melinda Street.

 

REGGIE

Melinda Street!

 

GUS

I shouldn't have said anything.

 

REGGIE

She's like uber-famous.

 

GUS

Please don't tell anyone I told you.

 

REGGIE

And what do I get for keeping my mouth shut?

 

GUS

                        (Looks around nervously)

What do you want?

 

REGGIE

You know that Mickey D's around the corner?

 

GUS

Oh, no.

 

REGGIE

                        (Sings or raps)

I want two all meat patties special dressing if you please with an extra large fry on the side.

 

DONNA

I'm not sure that's how that jingle goes.

 

REGGIE

Whatever, you get the idea.

 

GUS

I can't leave you all alone. If the captain found out�

 

MACY

Don't worry, Gus. We won't go anywhere. We're yellow shirts. We're not dangerous.

 

GUS

Fine. I'm going.

 

                        (GUS exits and REGGIE shouts after him)

 

REGGIE

And I want diet Cola. I'm trying to watch my figure.

 

MACY

He's so sweet.

 

REGGIE

And he's got it for you bad. He'd do anything you asked him. We've got such a sweet deal on this job. Today burgers. Tomorrow pizza.

 

MACY

Please don't ask him to do too much. I don't want him to get fired.

 

REGGIE

Fine, we'll order out for Chinese then.

 

DONNA

Melinda Street. She's coming here? Didn't she win an academy award?

 

MACY

Two. For The Guns of Lincoln County and The English Patient's Woman.!

                        (MACY�s voice gets so excited it's almost a scream)

I'm like her biggest fan.

 

REGGIE

Just don't go all Kathy Bates on us, okay?

 

DONNA

I wonder what she's in for?

 

REGGIE

Here comes Gus. Maybe he can tell us.

 

                        (GUS rushes back in)

 

REGGIE

Where's my burger?

 

GUS

I nearly ran into the Captain. He's coming.

 

REGGIE

I guess we'll just have to tell him about what you said about Ms. Street then.

 

GUS

Please don't. Macy? Please.

 

MACY

Come on, Reggie. Gus tried to get your burger.

 

DONNA

Hey, what if he tells us what she's in for? I'm dying to know.

 

REGGIE

Okay, fine. Spill it, Gus.

 

GUS

If I tell you then you won't say anything to the Captain.

 

REGGIE

Cross my heart and hope you die.

 

MACY

Thanks, Reggie. Okay, Gussy. Please tell us.

 

GUS

Fine. She's a red shirt. She's in for murder.

 

MACY

Murder? No!

 

GUS

She was in this murder mystery on Broadway and she killed the entire cast.

 

DONNA

Everyone? For real?

 

GUS

For real. And nobody knew it until the play was over. I mean like all the actors were supposed to pretend to die but she really was killing them.

 

MACY

I can't believe it.

 

DONNA

Do they know why she did it?

 

GUS

Nope.

 

REGGIE

Couldn't she go for an insanity plea? She sounds like she went nuts to me.

 

GUS

She was calm and collected in the trial. And she checked out fine on all the tests for mental stability.

 

MACY

Come to think of it, there have been some other mysterious deaths during her career. Boating accidents, fouled up stunts.

 

REGGIE

Wild. How come she didn't get off like OJ and Michael?

 

DONNA

She's a woman that's why.

 

REGGIE

I knew it had to be something like that. Just like Martha Stewart. I don't see no Donald Trump in jail but my girl M. Diddy was in clink in no time.

 

MACY

You know Martha Stewart?

 

REGGIE

We did a little time together.

 

MACY

I loved her show.

 

REGGIE

I taught her how to make a switchblade out of a paring knife. Maybe she'll have that on one of her shows!

                        (12006 smiles at this)

 

DONNA

So we're cleaning this theatre up for Melinda's revival of her play? I'm not acting in that. Might be therapeutic for her but not for me.

 

MACY

I would love to act with Melinda Street. It would be like a dream come true.

 

REGGIE

Even if it means she cuts your throat?

 

MACY

                        (Thinks a moment)

Maybe.

 

GUS

Don't worry, Macy. I wouldn't let anything happen to you.

 

REGGIE

Ah, Gus. You're a real American hero.

 

MACY

Isn't he though?

 

GUS

Oh, Macy.

 

REGGIE

Where is that captain? Were you making that up so you didn't have to get my combo meal?

 

(MACY screams and points off. Everyone jumps)

 

REGGIE

What was that for?

 

MACY

It's, it's,

 

DONNA

Melinda Street.

 

(CAPTAIN enters with MELINDA who is in a red prison jumper but has accessorized with jewelry and hair stuff)

 

CAPTAIN

Let me introduce you to the girls.

 

MELINDA

If I must.

 

CAPTAIN

You all are going to be spending a lot of time together here. Might as well get on friendly terms.

 

MELINDA

                        (Sarcastic)

Oh, yes. Let's all be friends.

 

CAPTAIN

This here is Macy Jensen.

 

MELINDA

Macy? Where'd you ever get a name like that?

 

MACY

I was conceived in a Macy's department store.

 

MELINDA

Why does this not surprise me? I suppose you were raised in a trailer too.

 

MACY

Nice jewelry.

 

                        (MACY touches MELINDA's hand)

 

CAPTAIN

Hands off.

 

                        (GUS uses this as an excuse to grab MACY)

 

MELINDA

How dare you grab me like that!

 

CAPTAIN

You okay, Ms. Street?

 

MELINDA

Yes, you can let go of me now.

 

                        (MACY shows her newly acquired ring to REGGIE)

 

GUS

                        (Pulls MACY aside)

You've got to give that back.

 

MACY

But it's so pretty, Gussy. Like a wedding ring.

 

                        (GUS blushes)

 

CAPTAIN

Gus, what are you doing?

 

MACY

Just getting handle on me.

 

REGGIE

I'll bet he is.

 

CAPTAIN

Our priority is to provide protection for Ms. Street. Got it?

 

MACY

That's what he was doing. I was getting way too close for comfort.

 

REGGIE

And now Gus is checking her perimeter.

 

CAPTAIN

Shut up, you.

 

DONNA

So what's the warden got planned for us?

 

CAPTAIN

Drama therapy that's what. We're going to restore this theatre and then put on a play.

 

MELINDA

You have got to be kidding. A play? With this crew?

 

MACY

I did a play once in high school.

 

MELINDA

Well, that just makes you a superstar then. Let's cast her as the lead.

 

MACY

Really?

 

MELINDA

Idiot.

 

DONNA

I'm not sure this is going to work.

 

MELINDA

The voice of reason at last.

 

(MACY is all hurt and GUS goes to comfort her and they slowly slip out during the following)

 

CAPTAIN

Well, you're gonna make it work. The warden got the money for this project and he's not giving the money back. And with a big name like Ms. Street involved, this will bring a lot of much needed media attention for the warden.

 

DONNA

Media attention? What for?

 

CAPTAIN

The warden is publishing a book and we hope to have this little play ready for the day it hits the bookstores.

 

REGGIE

The warden wrote a book?

 

CAPTAIN

He had some writer come in and help him but it's his book.

 

REGGIE

What's it about?

 

CAPTAIN

His plan for reforming the entire prison system in our country.

 

REGGIE

What's it called? The Idiot's Guide to being a Warden?

                        (12006 smiles)

 

CAPTAIN

Cute.

 

MELINDA

He gave me an advance copy. It's called ,More Prisons Today, A Better World Tomorrow.

 

REGGIE

Oh, puke.

 

DONNA

Yes, that's solution. Lock everyone up and the world will be a better place.

 

CAPTAIN

I got a better title. More Executions Today, A Better Day for Me.

 

DONNA

Not very catchy.

 

CAPTAIN

But it would solve all the problems pretty quick. Kill �em all and let God sort them out.

 

REGGIE

That's real Christian of you.

 

DONNA

Actually I read that it costs more to execute a criminal than it does to keep them locked up.

 

CAPTAIN

Liberal propaganda I'm sure.

 

DONNA

In fact, I'll bet if they focused on reforming people before they got to prison, they wouldn't need so many of them.

 

CAPTAIN

You voted for Clinton didn't you?

 

DONNA

8 or 9 times I think. Vote early and often is what I say.

 

CAPTAIN

You hacked a voting machine? You know how illegal that is?

 

DONNA

No, wait. I'm innocent. Nearly forgot.

 

REGGIE

Nice save.

 

DONNA

But it was in Florida so is it still illegal?

 

REGGIE

Only if you're a democrat.

 

MELINDA

Well, all this chit-chat has been a blast, but it's almost time for my massage

 

CAPTAIN

Oh, right let's go.

 

REGGIE

What?! I think I want to be a red shirt now.

 

CAPTAIN

Ms. Street has special arrangements.

 

REGGIE

Who's giving her the massage? The warden?

 

MELINDA

I have my own private masseuse, thank you.

 

REGGIE

                        (Mocking)

I have my own private masseuse, thank you.

 

CAPTAIN

Back to work, ladies. Let's make this place pretty for Ms. Street's play.

 

                        (CAPTAIN and MELINDA start to go, but DONNA stops them)

 

DONNA

So what play are we doing?

 

CAPTAIN

I don't know. Did the warden say, Ms. Street?

 

MELINDA

Like I care.

 

REGGIE

Please don't make it a murder mystery.

 

MELINDA

Oh, but I love a good mystery.

 

REGGIE

That's what I was afraid of.

 

DONNA

Can we pick it then?

 

CAPTAIN

You? Oh, and I suppose you'll need a computer to search for one?

 

DONNA

Well, now that you mention it

 

CAPTAIN

Forget it. Check out the prison library. I'm sure they have Shakespeare or something.

 

MELINDA

This crew doing Shakespeare? This might be fun after all.

 

                        (CAPTAIN looks around)

 

CAPTAIN

Where's Gus? Gus!

 

(Appears from behind a curtain. His clothes are a little messed up. CAPTAIN is more focused on MELINDA so he doesn�t really notice)

 

GUS

Right here, sir. Just checking out the perimeter. Making sure it�s secure.

 

CAPTAIN

Get this place cleaned up, okay? Shall we, Ms. Street?

 

                        (CAPTAIN leads MELINDA out)

 

REGGIE

So where were you Gus? And where's Macy?

 

GUS

I don't know what you mean?

 

                        (MACY enters with a mirror and straightens her hair)

 

REGGIE

Oh, there she is. I wonder where you two were?

 

GUS

We two? No. Not two. Not us.

 

REGGIE

You're a bad liar, Gus. You're just lucky that Ms. Street had the captain's eye.

 

MACY

So we cleaning this place or not?

 

DONNA

In a minute. We need to have a little talk, girls.

 

GUS

What about?

 

DONNA

Hair, nails, makeup.

 

                        (REGGIE gives GUS a mean look)

 

REGGIE

PMS

 

GUS

Guess I'll do another perimeter check.

 

MACY

I'll help

 

                        (MACY follows GUS out)

 

DONNA

That will keep Gus busy.

 

REGGIE

So what's the plan? I can tell you got something cooking.

 

DONNA

I think this play may provide us with a little opportunity.

 

REGGIE

Opportunity for what?

 

                        (DONNA looks to make sure GUS isn't close by)

 

DONNA

To escape.

 

REGGIE

What?!

 

DONNA

Keep your voice down.

 

REGGIE

Why do you want to escape? You're not a red-shirt.

 

DONNA

But I'm going to be here a long time. The company I hacked and the government are making sure of that. They want to make an example of me. A warning to all hackers was what they said at my trial. They were at my last parole hearing and they were pushing to throw way the key.

 

REGGIE

Then why don't you just run off now while Goofy's on the job?

 

DONNA

In these clothes, I don't think so. They'd track me down in no time.

 

REGGIE

So you're thinking, you'll pick a play that gets you in street clothes.

 

DONNA

Exactly.

 

REGGIE

That rules out Shakespeare then. Imagine trying to escape in one of them outfits. You'd look like Cinderella running from the ball.

 

DONNA

And with Ms. Street involved, we'll have a big crowd. Plus everyone will be focused on her. I'll just blend in a slip away.


REGGIE

So why you telling us about this?

 

DONNA

Thought maybe you'd like to join me.

 

REGGIE

Now why would I want to go and give up all this? Three meals a day, cable tv, pizza parties on Fridays, I've got it made.

 

DONNA

And how did your last parole hearing go?

 

REGGIE

Not good.

 

DONNA

How come?

 

REGGIE

Well, I kind of made the warden mad and who knows how long that will keep me here.

 

DONNA

What'd you do?

 

REGGIE

Our good warden was trying to get me to use my skills to line his pocketbook.

 

DONNA

You�re kidding.

 

REGGIE

Nope. The guy was needing some extra cash and he knew I could get it for him.

 

DONNA

You're that good?

 

REGGIE

I'm that good. Better than you, hacker girl, because I'm assuming he hasn't asked for your assistance?

 

DONNA

Nope. So if you're so good at passing fake checks then how'd you get caught?

 

REGGIE

My momma turned me in.

 

DONNA

Ouch.

 

REGGIE

She got all religious and ethical on me. Tried to convince I was a modern day Robin Hood.

 

DONNA

Taking from the rich and giving to the poor huh?

 

REGGIE

Well, I was about as poor as they come. I think I was a worthy cause.

 

DONNA

I totally agree. I'm my favorite cause.

 

REGGIE

What about Macy? You think she'll do it.

 

DONNA

She's up for parole and I don't think she wants to stray far from Gus, but I think she'll help. She may prove to be a good distraction for our personal guard.

 

REGGIE

What about Melinda? She could be the spoiler of this little plan of yours.

 

DONNA

No, she's central to making this work.

 

REGGIE

As long as she doesn't catch on.

 

DONNA

So what do you say?

 

12006

I'm in.

 

                        (Big smile from DONNA and they look at REGGIE)

 

REGGIE

Okay, okay. I'm in too.

 

DONNA

I'll get the play. You two start packing.

 

REGGIE

You better not mess this up or 12006 is gonna be pretty upset.

 

DONNA

And I don't want to upset 12006.

 

                        (REGGIE looks around and speaks up)

 

REGGIE

So how's that perimeter looking, Gus?

 

                        (MACY giggles off stage)

 

DONNA

Pretty good by the sounds of it.

 

MACY (off)

You naughty, naughty prison. I've got some work detail for you. Bend over.

 

REGGIE

I didn't need to hear that.

 

                        (Lights fade to black as they clean again)

 

 

 

ACT II

 

(The theatre is looking in better condition. The garbage is gone and stage now has nice shine to it. DONNA, REGGIE, 12006 enter looking pleased. MACY follows GUS in and CAPTAIN escorts MELINDA. They work on putting up the set during the scene when they aren�t practicing the play)

 

DONNA

The stage is so shiny you can see your reflection. Just like you wanted Captain.

 

CAPTAIN

Will this work, Ms. Street?

 

MELINDA

We're really going through with this?

 

MACY

Donna found a great play.

 

MELINDA

Oh, joy. What great play are we going to defile?

 

REGGIE

I thought you'd be perfect for the Best Little Whore House in Texas but Donna found something else.

 

MELINDA

Oh, you're so funny.

 

                        (DONNA hands out copies of the script)

 

DONNA

Here's the script. It's not anything known but it fits us nicely.

 

MELINDA

Why? Is it about a bunch of no talent criminals?

 

REGGIE

Oh, I'm so hurt.

 

DONNA

It is about an actress who gets her chance to be famous.

 

MELINDA

                        (Sounding bored)

I suppose I'll be playing the actress.

 

DONNA

Actually no.

 

MELINDA

                        (Slightly offended)

I won't?

 

DONNA

I thought Reggie should play the main character.

 

MELINDA

Her? You think she can carry the play. This will be amusing.

 

DONNA

But it has an awesome part for you. You'd play the fortune teller, Madame Mooch. It's a great part. The best one in the show really.

 

MELINDA

I'll take a look.

 

CAPTAIN

You can have whatever part you want, Ms. Street. After all, this is all about you.

 

MELINDA

The less time on stage the better. You seem to assume that I�m anxious to be doing this.

 

DONNA

Macy, you'll be playing Reggie's best friend Heather. She's kind of the comic relief.

 

MACY

Cool.

 

MELINDA

Good choice.

 

MACY

Really?

 

MELINDA

Yes, I laugh just looking at you.

 

MACY

Thanks.

 

MELINDA

That wasn't a compliment.

 

DONNA

I'll be the talent agent who discovers the actress. And 12006. You'll be the psycho killer who storms onto the set.

 

MELINDA

Type casting huh?

 

                        (12006 gives MELINDA a killer look but she winks back)

 

CAPTAIN

You're giving her lines? Can she even speak?

 

DONNA

Yes, she can speak.

 

MELINDA

And how do get her to do that? Scooby snacks?

 

DONNA

She'll be fine.

 

                        (GUS has been looking at script)

 

GUS

Psycho killer? Hey, she can't have a gun or anything.

 

DONNA

Don't worry. We won't use a real gun. And Gus, we want you to be the cop that saves the day.

 

MACY

Gus will be in it too?

 

GUS

You mean like I'll kind of be the hero?

 

MACY

How exciting. I've always seen you as the hero type.

 

MELINDA

Fine, I've got the script. Can I go now?

 

REGGIE

Uh, we need to practice.

 

MELINDA

You need to practice. I need my yoga session.

 

CAPTAIN

Is it time for your yoga already?

 

MELINDA

Meditation first. Then yoga. Memorize the schedule, Captain.

 

                        (MELINDA exits and CAPTAIN follows)

 

CAPTAIN

                        (Mockingly)

Memorize the schedule, Captain.

 

                        (CAPTAIN exits)

 

DONNA

I see the captain's patience is wearing thin.

 

GUS

He's been made her personal guard and he isn't liking it much. Well at first he did but she's treating him like an errand boy so it's getting old fast.

 

REGGIE

So how'd the captain get stuck with her?

 

GUS

He asked for the assignment but now he's sorry.

 

REGGIE

So how we going to practice this thing without her?

 

DONNA

That's why I didn't make her the main character. Her part isn't that big. But it's a good one that should fit her.

 

MACY

Why? Is she playing an ice queen with a stick up her butt?

 

REGGIE

Whoa, is this the same girl who was falling all over herself to talk to Melinda before?

 

MACY

I don't understand why she doesn't like me. What have I done to her. I mean I practically worship her and all she does is throw insults at me and trashes my presents.

 

REGGIE

Presents? What presents?

 

MACY

Well, I've written her a letter almost every day since she�s been here and she hasn't written back. In fact she trashes my letters.

 

REGGIE

And how do you know that?

 

MACY

I go through her trash.

 

REGGIE

I had to ask.

 

MACY

And I made her these little pictures with me and her doing things together like going to movie premieres and going to the beach.

 

REGGIE

How do you do that?

 

MACY

I cut pictures out of magazines of her and take photos of me and put them together. I sometimes put my head on pictures of Pamela Anderson when I can find them because we have real similar figures.

 

                        (MACY winks at GUS who blushes)

 

REGGIE

And she doesn't like the pictures either huh?

 

MACY

No, she ripped up the last one right in front of me. I swear I'm going to resign as the president of her fan club.

 

REGGIE

Macy, you know what they call people like you?

 

MACY

What?

 

REGGIE

They call you stalkers. You're like one of them weirdoes that follow celebrities around and search for hairs that they leave on restaurant chairs and make wigs out of them.

 

MACY

I do not make wigs. She doesn't shed nearly enough for that.

 

REGGIE

You know your girl here was a little too obsessed?

 

MACY

I have another obsession that Gussie doesn't mind.

 

                        (GUS tries not to smile but can't help it)

 

DONNA

So everyone okay with their parts?

 

REGGIE

No offense 12006, but you okay with doing a part in a play?

 

                        (12006 shrugs)

 

DONNA

She'll be fine.

 

GUS

So am I really the hero?

 

DONNA

You do come save everyone in the end.

 

GUS

How many lines I got? I haven't found any yet.

 

DONNA

Well, not too many, but your role is pivotal to the production.

 

MACY

Pivotal, Gussie. That sounds neat.

 

REGGIE

                        (Aside to DONNA)

She even know what pivotal means?

                        (DONNA shrugs)

 

GUS

I guess that means I'll have to stay assigned as your guard throughout the production then.

 

DONNA

That's what I'm hoping.

 

                        (DONNA and REGGIE smile knowingly)

 

MACY

Oh, Gussie. This will be so fun.

 

GUS

So what am I?

 

REGGIE

A goober.

 

GUS

In the play?

 

DONNA

You're the cop that comes and stops the psycho gunman.

 

REGGIE

Think you can take, 12006?

 

                        (12006 has come up behind GUS who turns and jumps)

 

GUS

Uh,

 

MACY

Don't worry, Gussie. We're just playacting.

 

REGGIE

That's what you think.

 

GUS

Maybe we should pick a different play. This one might be too dangerous.

 

MACY

It'll be fine, Gussie. It's all pretend.

 

REGGIE

Hey, why don't you pretend like you're a delivery guy and get us some pizza? I'm starving.

 

GUS

Pizza? Who said you got pizza?

 

REGGIE

The warden.

 

                        (GUS looks nervous)

 

GUS

He did?

 

REGGIE

Sure did. And do you want to disobey the warden?

 

GUS

No. But why would he say you get pizza?

 

REGGIE

Because of Melinda Street. Only the best for her.

 

GUS

But she isn't here.

 

REGGIE

That's her problem isn't it.

 

MACY

Pizza does sound good, Gussie.

 

GUS

I guess I can call and check.

 

REGGIE

You calling me a liar?

 

GUS

Yes. Macy? What do you know about this?

 

                        (MACY does a cute, pouty routine)

 

MACY

Not much really. But I sure would like some pizza though. I'm so hungry.

 

GUS

I guess pizza wouldn't hurt then. I'll go call it in. I'll be right back.

 

MACY

Thanks, Gussie. You're my hero.

 

                        (GUS blushes and exits)

 

REGGIE

Girl, I love it when you work your magic.

 

MACY

Mamma always said if you can't get a man to do what you want then he ain�t worth doing.

 

REGGIE

That's some twisted Forest Gump wisdom, but I like it.

 

MACY

So, Donna? I got rid of Gus like you asked. What's up?

 

DONNA

I picked this play because it has the perfect opportunity to escape. There's this whole bit with a false wall. And that false wall will be our ticket out.

 

REGGIE

But at what point in the play? You're on stage the whole time.

 

DONNA

We do it at the curtain call. We do our bows and then Melinda does her bows last. They'll be so into her they won't even notice we're gone.

 

MACY

But what about Gus? Won't he be back there with us?

 

DONNA

That's your job. Can you make sure Gus is distracted?

 

MACY

Oh, yeah.

 

REGGIE

What if Gus be isn't the only guard?

 

DONNA

I'm working on that part still.

 

REGGIE

Oh, great. So this isn't a sure thing?

 

DONNA

Trust me. I'll work out.

 

REGGIE

Nail it down or I'm not bothering.

 

DONNA

Look, they always leave Gus to watch us. Why should that change?

 

REGGIE

I'll bet they have extra security because of Melinda. What are we going to do about those extra guards if they do?

 

MACY

You could drop one of those lights up there on her. Those guards would sure scramble then.

 

DONNA

We'll call that plan B.

 

REGGIE

Girl, you do have a mean side after all.

 

MACY

You sure we can't drop that on her just for fun?

 

DONNA

If you want to become a red shirt.

 

MACY

No, red's not my color.

 

DONNA

Plus you're almost out of here. Why blow it?

 

REGGIE

So you're not escaping with us, Macy?

 

MACY

What's the point? My time is almost up and if I ran Gussie and I couldn't.

 

REGGIE

Couldn't what? Expand your beanie baby collection?

 

DONNA

Don't tell me you guys are gonna do it?

 

MACY

Maybe, but Gussie made me promise not to tell.

 

REGGIE

Wow, that's great. Gus get the ring or you gonna shoplift your own?

 

MACY

Ha, ha. Very funny.

 

                        (MACY pouts)

 

DONNA

What's wrong?

 

MACY

I just realized that I can't even shop for my own ring. Parole violation.

 

REGGIE

And I can imagine what Gus will get.

 

DONNA

You could shop online.

 

MACY

Online, catalogs, that's like pure torture. I have to touch them. See them sparkle.

 

REGGIE

Oh, no. Her eyes are glazing over.

 

MACY

I saw this wedding dress once that sparkled like diamonds. It was an outdoor wedding and the sun lit her up. Oh, it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

 

REGGIE

We're losing her.

 

MACY

And they can play my favorite song at wedding as I walking like a giant diamond to Gus.

 

DONNA

She's gone.

 

                        (MACY is lost in some fantasy and starts singing)

 

MACY

Diamonds are a girls best friend!

 

REGGIE

Oh, good. Here comes Gus now.

 

                        (MACY snaps out of it)

 

MACY

Please don't tell him I told you.

 

                        (REGGIE hums the wedding march as GUS enters)

 

REGGIE

Dum, dum, da, dum. Dum, da, dum, dum.

 

MACY

Shush!

 

GUS

Sorry, girls. No pizza.

 

REGGIE

And why not?

 

GUS

Captain said no. Melinda's coming back and she's on a diet.

 

REGGIE

Diet? Figures. So we get nothing.

 

GUS

Like celery sticks?

 

REGGIE

Oh, yes. That's my favorite wedding food.

 

GUS

Huh?

 

MACY

Shush up.

 

DONNA

So Melinda's coming back now?

 

GUS

Captain said she punched her yoga instructor so she's got some extra time now.

 

                        (MELINDA enters with CAPTAIN)

 

REGGIE

What did her yoga instructor do?

 

MELINDA

He got too nosey.

 

REGGIE

Oh, I'm so scared.

 

CAPTAIN

Gus, I've got an errand to run. Think you can handle Ms. Street for a bit?

 

GUS

No problem, Captain. I can keep things under control.

 

CAPTAIN

I want to see some drama therapy going on when I get back too.

 

DONNA

Got it covered, Captain. Let's start from the top. Everyone got your scripts.

 

                        (CAPTAIN exits. MELINDA goes over to GUS and acts sexy)

 

MELINDA

Mind if I step out for a bit, Gus?

 

GUS

Uh, no. I mean you can't. It's not allowed.

 

MELINDA

Just for a second. I promise I'll be right back.

 

MACY

Get away from him.

 

MELINDA

Oh, what's the mater? Am I getting a little too close.

 

                        (MELINDA leans on GUS and blows in his ear. MACY grabs her)

 

MACY

Hands off.

 

MELINDA

Don't touch me.

 

                        (MELINDA pulls free of MACY)

 

MACY

Touch you, like this.

 

                        (MACY pokes MELINDA. GUS jumps between them)

 

GUS

Back off, Ms. Street or you'll spend the rest of your drama therapy time in handcuffs.

 

MELINDA

Oh, I'm so scared. Little police man's gonna handcuff me. Or is that a game you like to play with the girls?

 

MACY

I'm going to kill her.

 

GUS

Macy, please. Don't.

 

MELINDA

Look, ladies. If you want to act with me you've got to follow a few simple rules.

 

REGGIE

This will be good.

 

MELINDA

When I'm on stage, you all back up and give me room.

 

(REGGIE says following under her breath)

 

REGGIE

With hips like that, I can see why.

 

MELINDA

What did you say?

 

REGGIE

I said with chips and dip I want to buy.

 

MELINDA

What's that supposed to mean?

 

REGGIE

Nothing, nothing. On with the reglas

 

MELINDA

The key is to stay upstage of me at all times.

                        (Points upstage)

That's upstage. And I will be downstage.

                        (She wakes downstage regally)

 

MACY

What if we're talking to you? You want us to do it from back here?

 

MELINDA

Exactly.

 

MACY

Won't that look funny?

 

MELINDA

Who is the actor here? Me. So let me handle this.

 

                        (MACY pleads with DONNA)

 

MACY

Donna, are we really doing it this way?

 

DONNA

Don't worry about it, Macy.

 

MELINDA

Good attitude, Dina.

 

DONNA

Donna.

 

MELINDA

Whatever. The key, girls, is to not steal my light. You'll have your time to play act while I'm off stage.

 

MACY

But, Donna.

 

MELINDA

But, Donna. Nothing. That's the way it's going to be.

 

DONNA

It'll be fine. Let's do the scene where Jo, the gunman, enters.

 

12006

Where's my gun?

 

(DONNA pulls some stuff from a prop box. She finds a rubber chicken and give it to 12006 who gives her a dirty look)

 

DONNA

It'll have to do for now. You know how hard it is to find anything that is anywhere close to a gun.

 

12006

I'll find one.

 

                        (12006 goes upstage with rubber chicken)

 

REGGIE

I can always make one in pottery class.

 

MACY

One of the inmates said you can make a gun out of part from our cell toilets.

 

REGGIE

Okay, you get right on that, McGyver.

 

DONNA

Let's get in our places. Page 23.

 

                        (MACY goes downstage and MELINDA glares at her)

 

MACY

What? You're not even on stage yet.

 

MELINDA

Fine.

 

                        (MELINDA steps off stage and passes REGGIE)

 

REGGIE

Whoa, nearly got knocked over.

 

MELINDA

I wasn't even close to you.

 

REGGIE

But I'm imagining that you have this big diva bubble around you. It's so big.

 

MELINDA

Whatever.

 

                        (REGGIE goes to 12006)

 

REGGIE

They're her virtual hips. Huge.

 

(DONNA goes off to side with 12006. MELINDA is off the other side and MACY and REGGIE are waiting upstage)

 

DONNA

Okay, Jo. You enter through the door really angry and then say your line.

                        (12006 doesn�t respond. DONNA goes to her)

12006. You're Jo and here's your first line. Ready?

                        (12006 looks at the script and squints)

Everything okay?

 

12006

                        (Quietly)

Can't read.

 

DONNA

Oh, man. I'm sorry.

 

12006

I don't need your pity.

 

DONNA

Well, maybe we can adapt this a bit. I'll talk you through it.

 

(12006 nods)

 

MELINDA

Let's get going people.

 

DONNA

Okay, so 12006. You rush in and wave your chicken, I mean gun and say, Where's Madame Mooch?

 

                        (12006 rushes in with chicken)

 

12006

Where's Mooch?

 

DONNA

Close enough.

 

REGGIE/BRENDA

She's in her secret room laughing at us no doubt.

                        (Tries to go as does MACY)

Can we get by please?

 

DONNA

Don't let them by.

 

                        (12006 tackles REGGIE and MACY)

 

REGGIE

Hey!

 

DONNA

No, no, no. Just stand in their way.

 

REGGIE

I didn't think plays were so dangerous.

 

MELINDA

Sometimes they're deadly.

 

                        (REGGIE rolls her eyes)

 

DONNA

Okay, Jo. Your next line is "I want to see Mooch now!"

 

12006

Where's Mooch?

 

DONNA

That'll work.

 

REGGIE/BRENDA

All you have to do is wave a few dollars around. She'll appear.

                        (Falls out of character)

Ha, this is like type casting huh?

 

MELINDA

Shut up.

 

DONNA

Then you say "Maybe if I wave this instead"!

 

12006

                        (Holds up gun)

Where's Mooch?

 

DONNA

Good improvising. I like it.               

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

She's got a gun!

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Hey, now lady. We don't want any trouble.

 

DONNA

Now you say, "Well, that's what you're going to get unless I see Mooch."

                        (12006 gives her an annoyed look)

Or you could just say "Where's Mooch?" again.

 

12006

Where's Mooch?

 

DONNA

Very nice.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

I don't know what your problem with her is, but it has nothing to do with us. So if we could just go?

 

DONNA

How about we skip all this silly dialog by Jo and you can just force them into some chairs.

                        (12006 pushes REGGIE into a chair and MACY quickly goes to hers)

 

REGGIE

Warn us will you, Donna? This is worse than football.

 

DONNA

Now for your line, Reggie.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

You know what? No crime has been committed. As far as I can tell, you have a permit for that gun. No crime. No problem. Let's go, Heather.

                        (They start to get up and 12006 pushes REGGIE down)

 

DONNA

Good improvising.

 

REGGIE

Yeah, great.

 

DONNA

And let's have Mooch come out now.

 

                        (MELINDA comes out in a persona of a fortuneteller)

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

Hello, Jo. What do you want?

 

DONNA

And Jo goes, blah, blah, blah and Madama Mooch says�

MELINDA/MOOCH

I'll bet that gun isn't even loaded.

 

DONNA

Okay, Jo, now pretend to shoot the gun.

 

(12006 pretends to shoot chicken at MELINDA/MOOCH MELINDA/MOOCH faints while MACY/HEATHER screams)

MELINDA

                        (back to self)

That was the most pitiful scream I've heard yet.

 

MACY

Here, let me try again!

 

MELINDA

Forget it. Just let me finish my fainting before you do it. It'll distract from my moment.

 

MACY

That's not what the script says. It says I scream while you faint.

 

MELINDA

Well, if you could handle it as written I'd be all for it, but I think we need to adapt things a bit for our less experienced actresses.

 

MACY

I'm so sick of you talking down to us. You're nothing but a big, stuck up, meanie.

 

MELINDA

Oh, that was harsh. Careful you might hurt my feelings.

 

                        (REGGIE goes up behind MELINDA)

 

REGGIE

You're not as big and bad as you pretend to be. Bet you killed all those people by accident. You're big on talk but little on the walk.

 

(MELINDA spins and grabs REGGIE�s arm and twists and REGGIE goes down and MELINDA ends up with a knee in REGGIE�s back and REGGIE is face down on the floor)

 

MELINDA

How's that?

 

REGGIE

Pretty good.

 

GUS

Let her up.

 

MELINDA

Oh, but I was just starting to have some fun.

 

GUS

I'm putting you in cuffs.

 

MELINDA

I'd like to see you try.

 

GUS

I've been trained to handle prisoners like you.

 

MELINDA

I once took out Arnold Swartzenagger so I'm not scared.

(GUS and MELINDA face off and GUS looks scared. GUS goes for the take-down and MELINDA grabs him and pins him)

What you going to do now, copper?

 

(MACY grabs MELINDA by the hair and pulls her off GUS. MELINDA tries to swing at MACY but she dodges and then puts her in a choke hold and slowly chokes the air out of her)

 

REGGIE

This is better than wrestling.

 

MACY

Say you're sorry.

 

(MELINDA shakes her head no and then MACY squeezes more and MELINDA crumples to her knees. MELINDA gasps)

 

DONNA

I think she's trying to say something, Macy.

 

MACY

Say it!

 

MELINDA

Sorry.

 

                        (MACY releases her and REGGIE feels MACY's arms)

 

REGGIE

Yow, girl. You work out?

 

MACY

I grew up with seven brothers. I can hold my own.

 

                        (MACY goes to GUS)

 

GUS

Macy, you didn't need to do that.

 

MACY

I don't mind, Gussie.

 

GUS

I guess I better cuff her now.

 

                        (GUS is still scared)

 

MACY

No, she woke be any trouble now. Will you?

                        (MELINDA gives her a dirty look and MACY steps toward her)

Will you?

 

MELINDA

No.

 

REGGIE

Maybe we should just do that on stage. That was entertainment.

 

                        (CAPTAIN enters)

 

CAPTAIN

Everything okay in here?

 

                        (They all look at MELINDA unsure what she'll say)

 

MELINDA

Everything's fine.

 

CAPTAIN

Let's get back to the prison. It's almost dinner. Chef's surprise tonight.

 

REGGIE

Gotta love that Chef's surprise. The surprise for me is if I can keep it down.

 

(CAPTAIN exits with REGGIE and 12006. GUS escorts MACY. MELINDA stops DONNA)

 

MELINDA

I know what you're planning.

 

                        (DONNA plays dumb)

 

DONNA

I don't know you mean.

 

                        (DONNA starts to go but MELINDA stops her)

 

MELINDA

I want you to help me escape too.

 

                        (DONNA is surprised and drops her dumb act)

 

DONNA

That will be impossible. You're the whole reason this was going to work.

 

MELINDA

Guess I'll just tell the captain now about your plans.

 

DONNA

You would, would you?

 

MELINDA

Without a doubt.

 

DONNA

Fine, you're in.

 

MELINDA

I think I'm starting to like this play.

 

                        (MELINDA exits)

 

DONNA

How am I going to pull this off now?

 

                        (Lights fade to black)

 

 

 

 

 

 

ACT III

 

(Set is complete. The set is of Madame Mooch's parlor. Part of the back wall has beads across it with false wall the can be moved and replaced. As the audience comes in from intermission, MACY, DONNA, REGGIE, GUS and 12006 are putting finishing touches on the set with the CAPTAIN watching. MELINDA is doing her nails)

 

MACY

They're here!

 

DONNA

Let's get back stage.

 

                        (MELINDA to DONNA as she exits)

 

MELINDA

Don't blow it.

 

REGGIE

Is that something like break a leg?

 

DONNA

I think she will break my leg if I'm not careful.

 

CAPTAIN

I'll be out here, ladies and Gus will be watching back stage.

 

MACY

You mean Gus will be back there watching us change costumes?

 

REGGIE

He can turn his back.

 

MACY

No peeking.

 

CAPTAIN

We have guards at every entrance to this place. Don't think about trying anything.

 

DONNA

No worries, Captain.

 

                        (CAPTAIN goes and sits in audience)

 

REGGIE

Ready?

 

DONNA

Ready.

 

(All exit and intro music plays and lights go to black a moment. Lights come up a moment later with REGGIE on stage as BRENDA)

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

This is so stupid, can we go now? It's Saturday night and there's other places I'd rather be.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

                        (Rushes in from being beaded curtain)

You'll never guess who she said I was in one of my past lives.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Let's see. Cleopatra?

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER
How did you know?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Psychic's always say women were Cleopatra. For some reason, everyone wants to be her. Personally, I'd rather have been someone longer lived. What a way to go. Snake bite to the breast. Ouch.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

You don't think it's true?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Heather, these people aren't for real. Don't you read the disclaimers?

                        (Holds up brochure)

For entertainment purposes only.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

She seems so real, so convincing.

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

                        (Enters from beaded curtained area)

Oh, sorry. I didn't know anyone was still here?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

I can see she's real psychic.

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

(She points to a table with a crystal ball on top and two chairs)

Does you friend want a reading?

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Yes!

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

No!

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Come on, Brenda. I'll pay for it.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Don't waste your money.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

It's just for fun. You said it yourself: for entertainment purposes only. What do you have to fear?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA
Fear itself?

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

Come, come. I won't bite.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Yeah, but I might.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

There, I paid for it.

                        (Gives MOOCH money)

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

                        (Holds bill up to light)

I feel my power returning to me.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

The power of the U.S. Mint.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Go on.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

                        (Goes UC)

Fine, let's get this over with.

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

The spirits come to me.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

You sure you want me to watch. It gets kind of private.

                        (Sits in a nearby waiting room chair)

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

I want witnesses in case she goes for my purse.

                        (Sits in chair by crystal ball)

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

                        (Sits in other chair)

So what do you want to know?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

The quickest way out of here.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Don't be difficult, Brenda. Try to have fun with it.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Fine. What are this week's winning lottery numbers?

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

3-5-9-20-25-49 and the Powerball is...

                        (Draws card from Taro deck)

7.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Pretty specific.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

                        (Writes the numbers down)

Why didn't I think to ask that?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

What else do you see in the cards?

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

                        (Draws more cards)

I see your past and your future.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Let me guess. I was Cleopatra too. How is it possible for so many people to be Cleopatra? I know, maybe she had a split personality.

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

I'm afraid in your past you were nobody famous.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

                        (Surprisingly disappointed)

Nobody? Ever?

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

Never ever.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

What about my future?

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

You will be famous one day.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Now or in a future life.

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

Would you like to be famous in this life?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

What do you mean?

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

In everyone's life cycles, they are allowed one time to be famous.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Only once huh?

                        (Amused. Smiles at HEATHER)

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

Do you wish it to be this one?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

                        (Laughs)

Sure, why not?

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

                        (Her voice booms)

Then so be it!

(A big boom, like thunder is heard. The lights flicker and go out. When the lights come on again MOOCH is gone)

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

That was weird.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

                        (Rushes to BRENDA and looks around table)

Where'd she go?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Behind the beads no doubt.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

                        (Checks behind beads)

It's solid wall behind here now!

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Then through a trap door. It doesn't matter. Let's go.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

                        (They head for front door)

You have to admit. That was pretty spooky.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

And completely fake.

                        (Mimics MOOCH)

"You can only be famous once in your life cycles."

                        (Laughs)

What a fraud. She's not even a good fake psychic.

 

                                                            12006/JO

                        (Enters through front door looking around)

Where's Mooch?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

She vanished.

(12006 looks confused. She sees audience, gets nervous and then stares at them like a deer in a headlight)

 

MACY

Oh, hey, there total stranger. Aren't surprised to see Brenda here?

 

                        (12006 still stares blankly at audience)

 

DONNA (off)

Yes, hey, aren't you that famous actress?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Who? Me?

 

DONNA (off)

Yeah, the actress in the play downtown. What's it called? A Brush with Destiny. Thats it.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Did you see her?

 

                                                            DONNA (off)

Yeah, you were incredible.

 

(MACY takes 12006's arm and pats REGGIE on the shoulder. 12006 is still staring at audience)

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Thanks.

 

                                                            DONNA (off)

Did you see the review in today's paper?

(DONNA throws in paper from off stage and MACY sticks it in 12006's hand)

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

You got a review?

                        (Takes paper and looks)

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

That local theatre reviewer is an idiot. He wouldn't know a play if a stage fell on him.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Oh, my gosh. This review is really good.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

You're kidding. He never likes anything.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

                        (Reads)

Brenda Star lives up to her name. Her radiant talent brightens this otherwise ordinary play.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Let me see that.

                        (Takes paper)

This is so great! My agent will go nuts.

 

                        (They look at 12006 who has a line)

 

MACY

I guess you better run and come back to see if Mooch is here later.

 

                        (MACY guides 12006 off stage)

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

We better go get a copy of the paper so you can show your agent.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Wait a minute. This smells like a set up.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

What do you mean?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Wasn't that awfully good timing? She says I'm going to be famous and then this guy comes in here and acts like I'm some new star.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

But how could she fake that newspaper review?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

                        (Scowls)

Good point.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

So do you think there might be something to this psychic thing?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

It's a coincidence. That's all.

                        (Cell phone rings)

Hello? Hi, Gina.

                        (To MACY/HEATHER)

It's my agent.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

I'll bet she saw the review.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA
Yeah, I read it.

                        (Pause)

Very good.

                        (Shocked)

What?

                        (Pause)

No way.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

What is it? What?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

                        (Waves away MACY/HEATHER)

Shhhh.

                        (To phone)

Sorry, my friend is talking to me.

                        (Pause)

Yes, let's do it.

                        (Looks around)

I hate to admit this, but I'm at some psychic reading place.

                        (Picks up brochure)

Madame Mooch,

                        (Pause)

You know her.

                        (To MACY/HEATHER)

My agent's been here.

                        (Pause)

Sure I'll wait for her here.

                        (Hangs up phone)

You won't believe this.

           

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Probably not, but tell me anyway.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Somebody is filming a movie in town and they saw my show last night. They want me to be in their movie.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

You're kidding?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Gina said there are some big stars in it too. One of them had a scheduling conflict and can't come. Gina's sending the casting director over to see me now. They need somebody immediately and want me to do it.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

You'll be famous!

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

                        (Stops)

This can't be happening. Where is that Madame Money?

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Mooch.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Whatever. Come out, Madame! I want a word with you.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Why are you upset? This is wonderful.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

I know how these stories go. Remember that story the Monkey's Paw? At first, everything is great. You get everything you wish for, then the bottom drops out.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

You are such a wet blanket. Can't you have a little fun?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Fun is for people who are too stupid to prepare for the impending disaster.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

I give up. Fine, don't enjoy your instant success. I'm going home.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Don�t be mad, Heather. I'm sorry. I have to admit there might be something beyond my comprehension going on here.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

See! Isn't this stuff amazing?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Or extremely well contrived.

                        (Calls out)

Madame Mooch. I need a word with you.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

I wonder why she isn't reappearing.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

                        (Pulls out money)

I'm not speaking her language.

                        (Waves bill)

I have something green for you.

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

                        (Enters)

I sense that you require my services.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

                        (Smiles at HEATHER, then looks at MOOCH)

I need some information.

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

Information is my middle name, though my abilities have been weakened by all the recent activity.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

                        (Hands her a bill)

There. Feeling better?

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

A bit better, yes.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA
Good.

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

I sense your friend here wants to go.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Do you?

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

                        (Looks at watch)

Oh, my gosh. I have reservations for five minutes ago.

                        (Waves good-bye)

Thank you, Madame Mooch. Bye Brenda.

                        (HEATHER exits)

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

That was my money. How come she got a reading?

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

She paid for you. You paid for her.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA
Now for my question.

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

My power is fading.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

                        (Hands her another bill)

Feel better?

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

                        (Stuffs bill in shirt)

Ask your question.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

How can Madame Mooch cook up such an elaborate scam?

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

Madame Mooch didn't scam you. You want to be famous, so you will be famous.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA
What if I've changed my mind?

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

It is your destiny now. Don't fight it. Fighting it will only bring doom upon you.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Doom. That's certainly what I'm expecting from all this. Every silver lining has a cloud.

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

I predict that your bad fortune is over.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

I hope you're right.

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

Unless,

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

There's always an unless. Okay, give me the bad news.

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

I must consult the cards.

                        (Goes to her table)

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

That's probably going to cost me.

                        (Goes to table and sits opposite MOOCH)

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

                        (Lays out some cards)

The meaning of these cards escape me.

                        (REGGIE/BRENDA sighs and gives her more money)

Ah, yes. I see now. Beware the one armed bandit.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

You mean slot machines? That's easy. I hate gambling. Ever since that time my boyfriend got kidnapped by a trucker at Sky City Casino, I've refused to go back to one.

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

                        (Rises)

Beware. Beware the one armed bandit.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Yeah, yeah. You said that already.

                        (MOOCH starts to go)

Wait. I have more questions.

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

No time. You have a visitor.

                        (Exits as BONNIE enters front door)

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

How did she know that?

 

                                                            DONNA/BONNIE

Brenda Star! It's wonderful to see you.

                        (They do a fake kiss on the cheek)

How does it feel to make the lead story of Theatre Scene Magazine?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

I did?

 

                                                            DONNA/BONNIE

I guess the issue did just come out. Here it is.

                        (Hands her a magazine)

Great picture of you.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Wow, this is incredible.

 

                                                            DONNA/BONNIE

I should introduce myself. I'm Bonnie Bandito.

(Reaches out her hand to shake. BONNIE lifts her left arm to shake. BONNIE's right arm is in a sling)

 

                                    REGGIE/BRENDA

Bandito? Oh.

                        (Looks where MOOCH went)

Uh, hi.

 

                                                            DONNA/BONNIE

Something wrong?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Sorry, this has all been very sudden. I'm pretty new to all this.

 

                                                            DONNA/BONNIE

But you're a natural. You appear to have years of experience. If it's okay, I'd like to interview you a bit first.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Yes, I have a few questions also.

 

                        (They sit)

 

                                                            DONNA/BONNIE

Would you like to go first or shall I?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

I'll go first. The main question on my mind is why would a big studio want a little small time nobody like me?

 

                                                            DONNA/BONNIE

You have the look.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

                        (Skeptically)

The look?

 

                        (DONNA/BONNIE hands her a promo packet on the movie)

 

                                                            DONNA/BONNIE

You have that natural spark that will light up the screen, La Chizpa as they say. And to be honest, you are very attractive and our director liked you, a lot. He's known for taking many unknown actresses and making them big stars.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

                        (Looks in packet)

This director is also known for wanting a whole lot more from his actresses than is in the contract.

 

                                                            DONNA/BONNIE

He's very influential, he could take you far.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

                        (Hands back the packet to BONNIE)

I'd rather he didn't take me anywhere.

 

                                                            DONNA/BONNIE

What? You�re not going to do it?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

How big of a part is this?

 

                                                            DONNA/BONNIE

That depends on you.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

What does that mean?

 

                                                            DONNA/BONNIE

It looks you don't understand how things work.

                        (Gets up)

It's all about give and take.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

I understand perfectly and I don't want to give this director what he wants to take. This guy is notorious for his exploits with his actresses. Sure they get famous for a movie or two but then he moves on to the next one and the old one fades into nothing.

 

                                                            DONNA/BONNIE

It looks like this was a mistake.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BONNIE

Sorry to waste your time.

 

                                                            DONNA/BONNIE

Well, maybe Morality Movie Studio is looking for actresses. Oh, wait. There's no such thing.                               (DONNA exits)

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

                        (To self)

Wow, Madame Mooch. You sure were right about this one.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

                        (Returns)

Was that the cast agent? Wow, she sure didn't look happy. What happened?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

I just blew my chance at fame and fortune.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Why'd you do that?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Because I'm an idiot. What are you doing back here?

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Dan called and canceled our dinner date so I went and bought a lottery ticket. I used Madame Mooch's numbers.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

That was a waste of a dollar.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

It was worth a try.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Let's go, okay?

 

                        (12006 enters with a gun that's very obviously a toy)

 

12006

Where's Mooch?

 

REGGIE/BRENDA

She's in her secret room laughing at us no doubt.

                        (Tries to go as does MACY)

Can we get by please?

 

                        (12006 moves to block REGGIE and MACY)

 

12006

Where's Mooch?

 

REGGIE/BRENDA

All you have to do is wave a few dollars around. She'll appear.

                        (Falls out of character)

 

12006

                        (Holds up gun)

Where's Mooch?        

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

She's got a gun!

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Hey, now lady. We don't want any trouble.

 

12006

Where's Mooch?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

I don't know what your problem with her is, but it has nothing to do with us. So if we could just go.

 

(12006 pushes MACY into a chair but REGGIE avoids 12006 this time and sits on her own)

 

MACY

Ow.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

You know what? No crime has been committed. As far as I can tell, you have a permit for that gun. No crime. No problem. Let's go, Heather.

                        (They start to get up and 12006 pushes REGGIE down)

 

REGGIE

Ow.

 

                        (MELINDA/MOOCH enters)

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

Hello, Jo. What do you want?

                        (12006 looks around nervously)

Are you upset about what I said to your husband?

(12006 freezes. REGGIE gets up and nods her head for her. The followings lines need to have the feel that they are improvising since 12006 isn�t saying her lines)

 

MACY

What did you say to her husband?

 

MELINDA

I said she was sleeping around.

 

                        (They pause a second but nothing from 12006)

 

MACY

So Jo? Were you sleeping around?

 

                        (REGGIE makes 12006's head shake no)

 

MELINDA

Oh, dear.

 

MACY

                        (Getting agry for JO)

"Oh, dear." Is that all you can say?! You ruined her life and you just say, "Oh, dear."

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

I can't believe your husband would leave you based on something some two-bit psychic would say.

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

How dare you call me a..

 

(12006 comes to life and shoves gun at MELINDA. This makes them all jump)

 

                                                            12006/JO

Shut up, Mooch.

                        (Holds gun up to MOOCH's head)

So psychic lady, can you see what�s in your future?

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

Sorry, I can't predict the future for myself.

 

                                                            12006/JO

I can tell you now your future will be a short one.

                        (Pulls trigger. Click. No bullets. MOOCH faints. MACY screams)

Where'd I put my gun clip?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Run, Heather!

                        (REGGIE pulls MACY toward door)

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

What about Mooch?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

We'll call the cops.

 

                                                            12006/JO

                        (Finds clip and puts it in gun. Points it at them just as they get to the door)

Hold it!

                        (REGGIE and MACY freeze)

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

I think she found her bullets.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

We're gonna die.

 

                                                            12006/JO

Sit down.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

                        (Sees flashing lights out window)

I think we have a problem.

 

                                                            12006/JO

Who called the cops?

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

We didn't. You know maybe you better surrender. You didn't do anything yet.

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

                        (Wakes up)

Am I still alive or has someone summoned my spirit?

 

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Unfortunately you're still among the living.

                        (REGGIE and MACY help MELINDA up)

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

I see the police have arrived.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Give yourself up. It's the only way.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

                        (Looks to window)

Now I think there's a news crew.

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

All this free publicity will be good for business.

 

MACY/HEATER

Hey, let's see if we get on TV.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

You're way too excited about this, Heather.

 

                        (MOOCH goes to TV and turns it on)

 

                                                            REPORTER

                        (Voice)

We�re live outside Madame Moose's shop.

 

                                                            MOOCH

Mooch not Moose.

 

                                                            12006/JO

I like Moose better.

 

                                                            REPORTER

                        (Recorded voice or DONNA on microphone)

The police say the suspect is armed and dangerous.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

That doesn't sound good.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Hey! Maybe if you go on the news and tell them your story and let everyone know what a big fraud she is.

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

Can't you shoot me in the foot and run. That would be much better for business.

 

                                                            12006/JO

How about I shoot you in the foot AND talk to the reporter.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Shhh. Wait. They have the lottery numbers at the bottom of the screen.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Heather. Can't that wait?

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Three! I've got a three.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Heather, please, not,

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Five! Got a five!

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Heather.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Nine! We've got three numbers.

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

Really? I'm mean, of course.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Twenty-five! We're winning!

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

                        (Getting into it)

Twenty-five. We have twenty-five. Come on 49!

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

49!

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

And the Powerball is...

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Seven! We won!

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

I told you so.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

We won! We won!

 

(Dances around with MACY. REGGIE and MACY are still jumping up and down. 12006 looks at her gun. Looks at them. MELINDA stops them and points to 12006 who points her gun at them)

 

                                                            12006/JO

So how much did you win?

 

                        (REGGIE/BRENDA quickly realized their mistake)

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Not much.

 

                        (MACY/HEATHER is clueless)

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Only 95 million.

 

                                                            12006/JO

95 million! Dollars?

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

No, Powerballs.

 

                                                            12006/JO

Shut up!

                        (Smiles)

This changes everything.

                        (Points gun and holds out hand)

Hand over the ticket.

                        (MELINDA sneaks around behind her)

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Easy come, easy go.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

No,

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

No, what?

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

No, I'm not giving her our ticket. This is our ticket.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

Heather, this is no time to get a backbone.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

But we won it. It's ours.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

                        (Shrugs and smiles sheepishly at 12006)

It's amazing what a few million can do to a person.

 

                                                            12006/JO

Hand it over or I'll take it off your dead body.

 

                                                            MOOCH

                        (Picks up crystal ball and moves behind 12006)

Oh, Jo?!

                        (12006 turns and MELINDA smashes it on her head)

She didn't see that coming.

                        (12006 falls to the ground and passes out)

So what do you girls say to sharing that ticket?

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Sure! I think I could spare a million or two.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

It�s the least we could do. I assume, there's a we in this deal.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

Of course, I wouldn't have bought this if hadn't asked Mooch for the numbers.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

I have to ask you, Mooch, do you always picking winning numbers?

 

                                                            MELINDA/MOOCH

Never. I got lucky this time.

 

                                                            REGGIE/BRENDA

What a story. Those reporters will be all over us.

 

                                                            MACY/HEATHER

We'll be famous.

 

                        (GUS rushes in and stops and points his gun)

 

                                                            GUS

Everybody freeze!

 

(Lights fade to black. Audience applauds and MELINDA is on stage bowing and waving. CAPTAIN brings her flowers)

 

CAPTAIN

Stunning performance, Melinda.

 

MELINDA

I aim to please.

 

CAPTAIN

Thank you everyone for coming tonight. We'll have a photo session with Ms. Street shortly. Also time for questions from reporters.

 

MELINDA

I always have time for my fans too.

 

CAPTAIN

Where are the others?

 

MELINDA

They must not have wanted to steal my moment in the sun.

 

CAPTAIN

That doesn't sound like them.

                        (On radio)

Gus, you there? Where are the rest of the ladies?

 

MELINDA

They usually go behind the beaded curtain.

 

                        (CAPTAIN goes to beaded curtain and moves it. Wall is there)

 

CAPTAIN

What's going on? How do you open this thing?

 

MELINDA

I'm not sure.

 

CAPTAIN

Open up in there!

                        (On radio)

Security. Get in here. We have a problem.

                        (Security guard enters. It�s actually DONNA)

Take Ms. Street to her dressing room and keep her there. Tell the other guards to secure the building.

(DONNA exits with MELINDA. CAPTAIN figures out how to open door)

Got it.

(Door opens and GUS is tied to a chair with MACY on top of him kissing him. When they audience can see them, MACY jumps off)

 

MACY

It was horrible Captain. They tied up Gus and ran for it.

 

CAPTAIN

                        (On radio)

I need backup!

(CAPTAIN runs off stage and MACY smiles at GUS who smiles back and she closes false door. Two security guards rush in. It's REGGIE and 12006)

 

REGGIE

I wonder where they went?

                        (12006 shrugs and smiles)

Hey, there's one of them.

                        (12006 and REGGIE rush into audience and grabs audience member)

Trying to escape huh? Well, we'll just have to see about that.

                        (Audience member protests)

You're not a prisoner. Let me see some ID.

                        (Gets wallet from purse)

I'll just keep this wallet for evidence purposes.

                        (Gets keys)

And your car keys. Which can is yours? We'll need to investigate it too. Make sure there aren't any criminals stashed in the trunk. And we'll check for drugs too. See her eyes. She looks like an addict. Take her away!

                        (12006 grabs audience member and REGGIE follows smiling)

 

 

END OF PLAY

 



 

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For permission to use this script, contact doug@freedrama.net (PLEASE include the title of the script in your request).

The play is FREE... if... and only if... your performance of the script is at no cost (i.e. classroom, workshop, audition or competition). When you use a script for free, I do ask a couple small things in return: www.freedrama.net/nocost.html

This script is COPYRIGHTED material. You are NOT allowed to repost the script online for any reason (even educational). You may create a link to the script, but do not republish or redistribute the text of the script in any way.

However, you may record your performance of the script and place the VIDEO online (as long as no text from the script is included). Please be professional and CREDIT the author D. M. Larson and the website Freedrama.net in the description and/or credits.

If you CHARGE admission, there is a ROYALTY fee. Please go to http://www.freedrama.net/royalty.html for more information.

All ARTWORK from the Freedrama website related to the script (i. e. posters) may be used for free for programs, posters and advertising of the script. Please credit artist Shiela Larson. If you would like art created by Shiela for your program, contact us at doug@freedrama.net

Thank you for selecting my script. HAVE FUN and enjoy the play.

Sincerely,

D. M. Larson


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    Featured Monologue from the Upcoming Play Death of an Insurance Salesman

    ***

    "GUARDIANS OF THE WALLET" by D. M. Larson

    RALPH
    An ambulance is coming for you now. And the policy will cover that ride so you're in luck.

    (Ralph waves good-bye and watches person go)

    He's lucky. Most people wait until it's too late. Last minute is always better than never. Sometimes I think I should set up my office in the lobby of the hospital emergency room. I could probably sign up half the room as they are waiting... what else are they going to do while they wait for help? Come on. What's the number one thing on their minds? They worry about how they'll pay for the hospital. That's where I come in. I kind of see myself as a hero... swooping in to save the day... can't pay your medical bill? Let me do it for you. I know no one sees an insurance salesman as a hero but we really are. You know how much that heart attack would have cost him without me? You know how much a car accident would cost without insurance? We're not the bad guys... we're your knight in shining armor, protecting you from going bankrupt. We are the guardians of the wallet. Don't let them suck you dry. Insurance will protect you... save you... rescue you... and that's what I wanted to always do with my life. Be a hero.

    END OF MONOLOGUE

    ****

    The Cynical Minded Professor a monologue by D. M. Larson

    Okay class. I know you hate classes that are required for your degree so I am going to try and make this as painless as possible.

    Because you're taking a lot of loans, using a lot of credit and building up some serious debt to be here, I don't want this class to be any more difficult than it needs to be. I mean you are going to be paying off these loans for the next 20 or 30 years. It's like you're taking out a mortgage and buying a house. And who can afford a house mortgage anymore when you have all these loans, credit and debts piling up just so you can get a degree in Egyptology or Greek mythology?

    That brings me to lesson number one in your Freshman Orientation class. You want to make all your loans worthwhile? You want to be able to pay off your credit card debt when you graduate? Then become a lawyer.

    Come on... What's with the moans and growns? Being an attorney can be great. Are you a tree hugger and love the Earth? Be an environmental lawyer. Are you into women's rights? There's a attorney for that. Want to help people who are defaulting on their mortgage and losing their homes or being crushed by credit card debt? There are lawyers for that too. Lawyers make a difference. Lawyers change things. Call an attorney if you want to get things done.

    Law not for you? You could play the stock market and do some day trading. Or you could be a software designer. Maybe be an engineer and figure out new ways to get us the limitless electricity that we demand or come up with alternate fuels so we no longer need gas in our cars. You can still help the world without picking a degree that will drown you in debt that you can never pay back.

    If you want to study a dead language or some mythological beast, go hang out in the library or watch the History Channel, but don't run up thousands of dollars in loans to study something that won't pay the bills. A Egyptologist is not going to change the world, but an attorney just might have the power to right some wrong.

    Gandhi was a lawyer. So was Abraham Lincoln. And Nelson Mandela. These are great people that left their mark on history and transformed nations. I'm not telling you to transfer out of your history classes. History has wonderful lessons for us. I'm telling you not to major in it. Learn from history but then USE what you learned. Go out there and change things. And who better to change things than someone who understands how the system works than a lawyer.

    Those of you that agree with me will go declare their majors - pre-law, engineering or economics. Those of you that don't, head on over to the library and write me a 10,000 word report on why your major is so awesome and a plan how you are going to pay off all that debt.

    Class dismissed.

    End of Monologue ****