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HIPPIES, HOUSEWIVES, AND WATERING HOLES

 

By

 

D. M. Larson

 

Copyright (c) 2002

All Rights Reserved



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CAST OF CHARACTERS

 

LEROY: Old Texas rancher who is protecting his watering hole

MOLLY: His quiet housewife

MOON: A hippy who comes along to give Leroy a hard time about his habit of shooting things he shouldn't

 

 

PLACE and TIME

 

A ranch in modern day Texas.

 

Featuring the monologue "Foot Rubs":





(Older Texas rancher makes angry entrance into the kitchen of his home. His wife MOLLY quietly does housework and hardly reacts to his anger)

 

LEROY

(Drops rifle onto table. Out of breath)

I had to kill another one of them! This one broke down my fence.

 

MOLLY

(She speaks in an unenthusiastic monotone)

You'll get fined again.

 

LEROY

I can't believe they fined me $4,000 for the last one. The judge told me it was just a gentle reminder. There was nothing gentle about it. I just can't sit there and let them take my water. This is the desert. My cattle needs it. I can't go sharing it with every thirsty critter that thinks it needs some. I'm one step ahead of 'em this time though. Buried it so nobody will know. No witnesses this time neither.

 

MOLLY

(Dogs barking. Sound of car driving up)

You sure? Who's that?

(Looking outside)

It's one of them Volkswagen vans. Got flowers and all kinds of stickers on it. Looks like a billboard.

 

LEROY

(Tries looking out)

I can't see nothing.

 

MOLLY

Get your glasses, dear.

 

LEROY

(Pats around on his shirt)

Where'd I put them?

 

MOLLY

There's someone getting out of the van. Got funny clothes on. Lots of colors.

 

LEROY

(Finds glasses then looks out)

Holy J Spirit! It's that hippy from town.

 

MOLLY

What hippy?

 

LEROY

She was protesting about something outside the courthouse. Probably not enough tofu in town or something. What's she want with me?

 

MOLLY

She's almost to the door.

 

LEROY

My gun ain't loaded! Where you keep the shells now?

 

MOLLY

In the cookie jar.

 

LEROY

(Rushes to cookie jar. Knocking at door)

Don't let her in.

 

MOLLY

Okay.

(More knocking)

You want me to tell her you're not home.

 

LEROY

I'll shoot first and talk later.

(Open cookie jar)

We're out of bullets?!

 

MOLLY

Maybe I moved 'em.

 

LEROY

(In a panic)

Where?

 

MOLLY

(Shrugs. Unconcerned)

I don't know.

 

MOON

(MOON enters and is on the porch. Knocks and calls out)

I know you�re in there. I want to talk to you.

 

LEROY

Get out of here! You're trespassing!

(To MOLLY)

Call the sheriff.

 

MOLLY

Okay.

(Exits kitchen)

 

MOON

My name's Moon Johnson. I represent the Legal Freedom League.

 

LEROY

Moon? What kind of name is that?

 

MOON

It's the name of a powerful woman who believes in herself to stand up against injustice.

 

LEROY

Do you mean the moon in the sky or the moon you get when you pull your pants down?

(Peaks out)

Judging by the look of you I'd pick the second.

 

MOON

That's it!

(She backs up and runs at door)

 

LEROY

(Pulls open door and MOON sails in and runs into table)

Don't bust my door!

(MOON heads for LEROY who backs away)

What do you want with me?

 

MOON

(Pulls out a chair)

Sit.

(MOON shoves him down onto chair)

 

LEROY

(Rises)

I don't take orders in my own house.

 

MOON

(Shoves him down even harder)

I said sit.

 

LEROY

(Rubs shoulder)

Okay. I'm sitting.

 

MOLLY

(Enters)

I can't find the number for the sheriff, dear.

 

LEROY

It's 911!

(Tries to get up and is shoved down)

Run, Molly. Get out of here!

(MOLLY casually heads toward them not at all upset)

 

MOLLY

I got your lunch in the microwave. It's getting hard sitting in there.

 

LEROY

I don't care about my lunch!

 

MOLLY

See, you get all fussy when you don't eat.

(Pulls container out)

 

MOON

(Sniffs)

What is that?

 

MOLLY

Tripe on toast.

 

MOON

Tripe?! Isn't that? Wait, I don't want to know.

 

LEROY

You let me go or my wife will feed it to you.

 

MOLLY

You hungry, Miss Moon? Got some lettuce and tomatoes. I could make a salad.

 

MOON

No, thank you. I just ate.

 

MOLLY

Tea maybe.

 

MOON

Tea would be nice.

(MOLLY gets iced tea)

 

LEROY

(Gets up)

Molly, what are you doing?

(Shoved down)

Don't offer her nothing. She's a criminal.

 

MOON

The only criminal in here is you, my friend.

 

LEROY

You break into my home and you call me a criminal.

 

MOON

You opened the door and let me in fair and square. No breaking in.

 

LEROY

You were going to break down my door.

 

MOON

I was only going to knock forcefully.

 

LEROY

(Rises)

Give me my gun and I'll show you forceful.

(Shoved down)

Stop doing that.

 

MOON

Then stop getting up.

 

MOLLY

(Hands MOON glass. Friendly and not so distant)

Here's your tea, Miss Moon. Care for a slice of lemon?

 

MOON

Sure, that would be lovely.

 

LEROY

Stop being nice to her.

 

MOON

Shut up, you or I'll shove you on the floor.

 

LEROY

See, Molly. She�s threatening me.

 

MOLLY

Yes, dear.

(Smiles as she gives her lemon)

There you go.

 

LEROY

So what do you want?

 

MOON

I can't believe it. He doesn't even know. What a waste of food...

(Takes a sip of tea)

 

LEROY

(MOLLY snickers then tries to hide it as a cough)

Molly! Did you just laugh?

 

MOLLY

No, dear. Just got a tickle in my throat.

 

LEROY

You better not laugh at me or I'll smack you so hard you'll have to take a bus back from Albuquerque.

 

MOON

I�ll be doing all the smacking around here.

 

LEROY

See, she just threatened me again.

 

MOLLY

More iced tea?

 

MOON

You can top off my glass. That's wonderful tea. How do you make it?

 

LEROY

I can't believe this. I'm getting tortured and you're discussing tea.

 

MOLLY

(Smiles a little)

It's moon tea.

 

MOON

(Laughs)

I heard of sun tea, but moon tea?

(LEROY crosses his arms and scowls)

 

MOLLY

Old family recipe. Learned it from my grandma.

 

LEROY

I can't believe you'd give this pinko skirt our moon tea.

 

MOON

Did you just call me a skirt? I think I just stepped back into the 1950's.

 

LEROY

Can we get this over with? I've got chores to do.

 

MOON

I'm not leaving until you see the error of your ways.

 

LEROY

What are you talking about?

 

MOLLY

I think this is about that newspaper, dear.

 

MOON

Give the lady a prize.

 

LEROY

Oh, that stupid article in the papers. I got my punishment. I don't know why everyone has to make big news out of it.

 

MOON

That was no punishment. That was only a little slap on the hand.

 

LEROY

It was four thousand dollars! You call that a slap on the hand?

 

MOON

How can you not see how horrible this is?

 

MOLLY

Can I say something?

 

MOON
Please do
.

 

MOLLY

(Reluctantly goes up to LEROY)

Now, Leroy. Can't you see why this lady is upset?

 

LEROY

Cause we don't have any cookies and ice cream?

 

MOLLY

Leroy. What you did was wrong.

 

LEROY

What did you say?

(He rises threateningly. MOON pushes him back down)

Ow!

 

MOON
She talks. You listen.

 

MOLLY

Leroy, killing ain't right.

 

LEROY

What are you saying, Molly? You think I'm wrong?

 

MOLLY

Maybe.

 

LEROY

Who are you and who took my wife? Who took my quiet little woman who cooks and cleans and gives me foot rubs?

 

MOON

(Disgusted)

Foot rubs?

 

MOLLY

How can you do something so horrible?

 

LEROY

What's so horrible about what I did? I was merely taking out the trash and cleaning up this sorry society of ours. I'm sick and tired of hearing about tolerance and equality. Where does that leave me? Where's the tolerance for me? Where's my equality?!

(Sighs and calms a bit)

Life used to be so much easier when I was a boy. We knew who to like and who to hate.

 

MOON

Things change.

 

LEROY

But I don't what them to change. Don't you get it? I like things the way they are.

 

MOLLY

But some of us don't, Leroy.

(MOLLY leaves crying)

 

LEROY

(Rises to go after her)

Molly, wait.

(MOON doesn�t stop him, but then he sits down upset)

Why do things have to change? Why can't they just leave me alone?

 

MOON

All they want is a little water. Not money, not a job... just water. And what do you do?

 

LEROY

(Quietly)

I kill them.

 

MOON

I believe the word is murder.

 

LEROY

Look. I've already been on trial. Why don't you take it up with the judge?

 

MOON

He's next on my list.

 

LEROY

So what are you going to do with me?

 

MOON

I'd leave you with your conscience to torture you, but since you don't seem to have one, I have this.

(Hands him a paper)

 

LEROY

(Squints)

What is it?

 

MOON

A boycott on your cattle.

 

LEROY

What?

 

MOON

We are calling for a nationwide boycott on your cattle. Any meat packing company that buys your beef will also be subject to a boycott.

 

LEROY

You and what army?

 

MOON

Us and Oprah, that's who.

 

LEROY

You wouldn't?

 

MOON

Farewell, Leroy. Nice talking to you. I'll say hi to the judge for you.

(MOON exits)

 

LEROY

Molly? Molly, come here. We got to call and warn the judge.

(Upset)

And we got to call Charlie. Got to make sure they didn't get to him. He's my biggest buyer. I'm sure he wouldn't stop buying my cattle cause of this little thing.

(MOLLY appears with her hat, coat and suitcase)

Molly? What are you doing?

 

MOLLY

I'm going to be on Oprah.

(MOLLY exits. LEROY stands there stunned)

 

LEROY

(Watches helplessly)

Don't get in that van with her! Molly! Nooo!

(Runs out after her and lights fade to black)

END OF PLAY



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