by D. M. Larson
FROM ROCK! SWORD! FIRECRACKER! BY D. M. LARSON FREEDRAMA.NET
This monologue is adapted from a published play in the book "The Weird, Wild and Wonderful Days of School" ISBN-13: 978-1482739626 available from Amazon.com
You thought the game was rock, scissors, paper. You are wrong! The ancient game has been dishonored by scissors and paper. It is a mockery of the true art of the challenge. Shall I tell you the story? If you wish to hear the story, you must say, "Yes, Master." (Waits a moment) Now Say... "Pretty please with a cherry blossom on top." Fine. I will tell you the story.
(The master can pull out a scroll or book to help with the story. The book could be a giant popup book.)
It all began with the rock. Not the wrestler.No, the rock was a big fat lazy slob. But he was unmovable. He was a champion sumo wrestler because no one could move him. He won every match. And then he sent a challenge out to all warriors that no one could defeat him. So samurai and ninja from all over Asia came to fight him, but even a sword could not pierce his rock-like skin. But then a magician from a distant land came with a mighty weapon. A firecracker! No one had seen such a huge firecracker before. The magician faced off against the Rock. He lit the fuse and placed it at the Rock's feet. The Rock did not care. He did not think anything could defeat him. Suddenly, there was a huge explosion. There were screams and cries of pain. And when the smoke cleared, the Rock had fallen. Everyone stood quietly and couldn't believe their eyes. A few began to cry. The magician's laugh broke the silence and he pulled another, even bigger firecracker from his robes. The magician yelled, "I shall rid this land of the Rock forever!" He placed the firecracker next to the Rock and lit it. But then a young one, who was a big fan and collected all the Rock memorabilia, sprang in to action. He snatched up a sword and "swish", cut the fuse, saving the rock from destruction. (Master bows) So I ask that you no longer dishonor the game with scissors and paper.
(Master closes book or scroll and leaves.)
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"GUARDIANS OF THE WALLET" by D. M. Larson
An ambulance is coming for you now. And the policy will cover that ride so you're in luck.
(Ralph waves good-bye and watches person go)
He's lucky. Most people wait until it's too late. Last minute is always better than never. Sometimes I think I should set up my office in the lobby of the hospital emergency room. I could probably sign up half the room as they are waiting... what else are they going to do while they wait for help? Come on. What's the number one thing on their minds? They worry about how they'll pay for the hospital. That's where I come in. I kind of see myself as a hero... swooping in to save the day... can't pay your medical bill? Let me do it for you. I know no one sees an insurance salesman as a hero but we really are. You know how much that heart attack would have cost him without me? You know how much a car accident would cost without insurance? We're not the bad guys... we're your knight in shining armor, protecting you from going bankrupt. We are the guardians of the wallet. Don't let them suck you dry. Insurance will protect you... save you... rescue you... and that's what I wanted to always do with my life. Be a hero.
END OF MONOLOGUE
**** “The Cynical Professor” a monologue by D. M. Larson
Okay class. I know you hate classes that are required for your degree so I am going to try and make this as painless as possible.
Because you're taking a lot of loans, using a lot of credit and building up some serious debt to be here, I don't want this class to be any more difficult than it needs to be. I mean you are going to be paying off these loans for the next 20 or 30 years. It's like you're taking out a mortgage and buying a house. And who can afford a house mortgage anymore when you have all these loans, credit and debts piling up just so you can get a degree in Egyptology or Greek mythology?
That brings me to lesson number one in your Freshman Orientation class. You want to make all your loans worthwhile? You want to be able to pay off your credit card debt when you graduate? Then become a lawyer.
Come on... What's with the moans and growns? Being an attorney can be great. Are you a tree hugger and love the Earth? Be an environmental lawyer. Are you into women's rights? There's a attorney for that. Want to help people who are defaulting on their mortgage and losing their homes or being crushed by credit card debt? There are lawyers for that too. Lawyers make a difference. Lawyers change things. Call an attorney if you want to get things done.
Law not for you? You could play the stock market and do some day trading. Or you could be a software designer. Maybe be an engineer and figure out new ways to get us the limitless electricity that we demand or come up with alternate fuels so we no longer need gas in our cars. You can still help the world without picking a degree that will drown you in debt that you can never pay back.
If you want to study a dead language or some mythological beast, go hang out in the library or watch the History Channel, but don't run up thousands of dollars in loans to study something that won't pay the bills. A Egyptologist is not going to change the world, but an attorney just might have the power to right some wrong.
Gandhi was a lawyer. So was Abraham Lincoln. And Nelson Mandela. These are great people that left their mark on history and transformed nations. I'm not telling you to transfer out of your history classes. History has wonderful lessons for us. I'm telling you not to major in it. Learn from history but then USE what you learned. Go out there and change things. And who better to change things than someone who understands how the system works than a lawyer.
Those of you that agree with me will go declare their majors - pre-law, engineering or economics. Those of you that don't, head on over to the library and write me a 10,000 word report on why your major is so awesome and a plan how you are going to pay off all that debt.
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