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Polly Wants a Cracker

by D. M. Larson

From the published play "The Weird, Wild and Wonderful Days of School" ISBN-13: 978-1482739626

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POLLY WANTS A CRACKER by D. M. Larson

SCENE 1

Two people are in a mall selling products.  The man named Carl is in a fat bird costume selling some kind of candy.  The woman named Polly is in an animal costume selling animal crackers. The bird man keeps checking out the animal woman but not so bad that she doesn't seem to notice... but eventually she does.  She goes up to him.

Animal

I have to say... that costume is really cute.

BIRD

What? Uh... really?

ANIMAL

I love chunky birds... I just want to squeeze them.

She gets embarrassed and goes back to her animal cracker sale table.  He mumbles under his breath.

BIRD

You can squeeze me if you want.

She hears.

ANIMAL

What?

He is startled and turns away.

BIRD

Nothing.

She looks kind of sad and turns away.  He decides to talk to her some more.

BIRD

So what are you selling?

She is happy he is talking to her again.

ANIMAL

Animal crackers.

Bird

Oh, I love animal crackers.

ANIMAL

Want to buy some?

He tries to get to his wallet but can't because of the bird costume.

BIRD

Yeah... oh crap, I don't think I can reach my wallet.

ANIMAL

I can help.

BIRD

If you reach in the opening in the back...

She reach in back and someone walks by and stops... stares.  She gets mad at the person who is staring at them.

ANIMAL

What?!

Person runs off.

BIRD

Got my wallet?

ANIMAL

Yup... so you're not fat?

He laughs.

BIRD

No... disappointed?

ANIMAL

No... I like fat birds, not fat guys.

BIRD

Good... because I'm not fat... not that you want to like me... I'm not saying that you have to like me... I mean...

She closes his bird mouth over his face.

ANIMAL

You're cute.

She lets go.  He is confused.

BIRD

Huh?

ANIMAL

Nothing. So you want one box or two... of animal crackers?

BIRD

How much money do I have in my wallet?

ANIMAL

A lot... you rich or something?

BIRD

You like rich guys?

ANIMAL

Not really.

BIRD

Then all that money is stolen.

ANIMAL

I don't like thieves either.

BIRD

Stolen but I recovered it from the thieves and I'm returning it to the rightful owner.

ANIMAL

There you go! I knew you were a good simple honest... bird.

BIRD

Those crackers look good... wish I could eat some now.  These bird hands are a pain.  I try to eat and the wing smacks me in the face.

He demonstrates and she laughs.

ANIMAL

I can feed them to you.

He gets all embarrassed at her offer.

BIRD

Really? You mean with your hands... in my mouth.

ANIMAL

Sure, why not?

BIRD

Wow... well, uh... okay.

She feeds him.  He gets a very funny look on his face.

ANIMAL

You okay?

BIRD

Uh... that was so nice... I mean good... yummy... I mean...

ANIMAL

What is with you?

BIRD

You're really nice.

ANIMAL

Oh... thank you. Here let me put your wallet back...

She puts it back and checks out his rear.

BIRD

So...

ANIMAL

Want another cracker?

BIRD

Sure!

She feeds him again and he flaps his wings happily.

ANIMAL

You like them?

BIRD

Yummy.

ANIMAL

I like to bite off their heads. Am I sick?

BIRD

That's funny actually.

ANIMAL

How are sales going?

BIRD

Good... only one box left to sell.

ANIMAL

I have tons... I guess I'll be by myself soon

She looks in sales box. Person comes back to buy the Bird's last box.  He hides his box.

BIRD

I'm out... beat it.

Person leaves annoyed.

ANIMAL

That's what I was afraid of. Tons left. I'll be here forever.  I think my costume is scaring people away. I wish I had a cute birdie costume like you.  I wanna squeeze you so bad.

BIRD

Go for it.

ANIMAL

Really?

BIRD

Squeeze away.

She rushes up and grabs him and gives him a huge hug.  She squeals in delight.

ANIMAL

That was... awesome!

Bird is in a happy daze.

BIRD

Yeah.

ANIMAL

Good birdie... here's a cracker... you really like it when I feed you don't you?

BIRD

Yeah.

ANIMAL

So what you doing after work?

BIRD

Dinner maybe... you wanna come feed me some more?

ANIMAL

In your dreams...

BIRD

Yeah.

ANIMAL

Okay.

BIRD

What?

ANIMAL

I'll go to dinner with you.

BIRD

Really?

ANIMAL

I think you're cute.

BIRD

But you don't even know exactly what I look like... I look like some guy who is getting barfed by a bird.

ANIMAL

I saw your driver's license picture...

BIRD

That's even worse.  And you still like me? That picture is terrible.

ANIMAL

Well, if you look better than that picture, we're in business.

BIRD

You're funny.

ANIMAL

I know.

BIRD

So if you sell the rest of those crackers, you can go to dinner?

ANIMAL

Yes, but that might take forever.

BIRD

I think I'd like to buy some more crackers.

ANIMAL

How many more?

BIRD

All of them.

ANIMAL

You don't have to do that.

BIRD

I'm rich remember?

ANIMAL

I thought you stole that money.

BIRD

No, I'm a superhero who recovered the stolen cash.

ANIMAL

Oh, that's right. Birdman?

BIRD

When danger lurks, give them the bird!

ANIMAL

Nice... you need your own comic book.

BIRD

So how about it? Sell me those crackers?

ANIMAL

You're serious?

BIRD

I really want to take you to dinner.

ANIMAL

What we having? Crackers?

BIRD

Cheese and crackers?

ANIMAL

Crackers a la mode?

BIRD

Barbecued crackers?

ANIMAL

Baked crackers?

BIRD

You crack me up.

They walk out together happily.

THE END







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Featured Monologue from the Play “Death of an Insurance Salesman”

***

"GUARDIANS OF THE WALLET" by D. M. Larson

RALPH
An ambulance is coming for you now.  And the policy will cover that ride so you're in luck.

(Ralph waves good-bye and watches person go)

He's lucky.  Most people wait until it's too late. Last minute is always better than never. Sometimes I think I should set up my office in the lobby of the hospital emergency room. I could probably sign up half the room as they are waiting... what else are they going to do while they wait for help?  Come on.  What's the number one thing on their minds?  They worry about how they'll pay for the hospital.  That's where I come in.  I kind of see myself as a hero... swooping in to save the day... can't pay your medical bill?  Let me do it for you.  I know no one sees an insurance salesman as a hero but we really are.  You know how much that heart attack would have cost him without me?  You know how much a car accident would cost without insurance?  We're not the bad guys... we're your knight in shining armor, protecting you from going bankrupt.  We are the guardians of the wallet.  Don't let them suck you dry.  Insurance will protect you... save you... rescue you... and that's what I wanted to always do with my life.  Be a hero.

END OF MONOLOGUE



**** “The Cynical Professor” a monologue by D. M. Larson

Okay class. I know you hate classes that are required for your degree so I am going to try and make this as painless as possible.

Because you're taking a lot of loans, using a lot of credit and building up some serious debt to be here, I don't want this class to be any more difficult than it needs to be. I mean you are going to be paying off these loans for the next 20 or 30 years. It's like you're taking out a mortgage and buying a house. And who can afford a house mortgage anymore when you have all these loans, credit and debts piling up just so you can get a degree in Egyptology or Greek mythology?

That brings me to lesson number one in your Freshman Orientation class. You want to make all your loans worthwhile? You want to be able to pay off your credit card debt when you graduate? Then become a lawyer.

Come on... What's with the moans and growns? Being an attorney can be great. Are you a tree hugger and love the Earth? Be an environmental lawyer. Are you into women's rights? There's a attorney for that. Want to help people who are defaulting on their mortgage and losing their homes or being crushed by credit card debt? There are lawyers for that too. Lawyers make a difference. Lawyers change things. Call an attorney if you want to get things done.

Law not for you? You could play the stock market and do some day trading. Or you could be a software designer.  Maybe be an engineer and figure out new ways to get us the limitless electricity that we demand or come up with alternate fuels so we no longer need gas in our cars. You can still help the world without picking a degree that will drown you in debt that you can never pay back.

If you want to study a dead language or some mythological beast, go hang out in the library or watch the History Channel, but don't run up thousands of dollars in loans to study something that won't pay the bills. A Egyptologist is not going to change the world, but an attorney just might have the power to right some wrong.

Gandhi was a lawyer. So was Abraham Lincoln.  And Nelson Mandela. These are great people that left their mark on history and transformed nations. I'm not telling you to transfer out of your history classes. History has wonderful lessons for us. I'm telling you not to major in it. Learn from history but then USE what you learned. Go out there and change things. And who better to change things than someone who understands how the system works than a lawyer.

Those of you that agree with me will go declare their majors - pre-law, engineering or economics. Those of you that don't, head on over to the library and write me a 10,000 word report on why your major is so awesome and a plan how you are going to pay off all that debt.

Class dismissed.

End of Monologue ****


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