Why am I waiting in line with all these losers? I am a grown man... With a job... I don't even live in my parents basement. Yet here I am... Waiting in line to meet William Shatner. I even got here early. I have a sleeping bag... Snacks... I am not even going to explain about the bathroom situation. Why do we put ourselves through this? I have dignity... I have a life... I don't need this. I should walk on out of here and leave this insanity behind me. Shatner once told us to get a life. It's time I got one.
(Then he get excited when he sees William Shatner approach)
There he is!
(Frank squeals with excitement)
He's coming over here! William "frackin'" Shatner is coming over here to meet me.
(Frank looks at a person who is in front of him)
Oh, wow, Mr. Shatner. This is such an honor... Yes sir... First in line to see you. You're my favorite celebrity. Well, my favorite person in the whole world actually. I love everything you've done. Everything is better when you're in it. I love Star Trek, T.J. Hooker, 3rd Rock from the Sun, Miss Congeniality, Boson Legal... even the Priceline commercials... I love you... Meeting you is the most magical moment in my life so far... Thank you, Mr. Shatner... Call you Bill? Oh wow... Bill. Bye bye... Live long and stay awesome!
(Gets really embarrassed and disgusted with himself)
Oh my God! What is wrong with me?! What am I? A fan girl? I need my head checked... Oh, no... I have a man crush, don't I? I have a William Shatner man crush. I want to die now. Crawl under a rock with the other creepy fans... And....
(He notices they are opening the doors at the store he is waiting in line at)
They're opening the doors! I am so getting my boots autographed.
(Frank picks up a back with something in it)
Hey Bill! Look why I found on eBay for you to sign! It's the actual rocket boots from Star Trek V!
END OF MONOLOGUE
Below are monologues and scenes from the published play "My William Shatner Man Crush" ISBN-13: 978-1505910155
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