James and the Giant Speech
By D. M. Larson
ACT I SCENE 1: BREAKING BREAD 2
ACT I SCENE 2: TONGUES OF FIRE 5
ACT I SCENE 3: MY DIGITAL SOUL 8
ACT I SCENE 4: THE CINNAMON ROLL OF HAPPINESS 10
ACT I SCENE 5: ANIMAL FRIEND 16
ACT I SCENE 6: THE MAGIC COIN 18
ACT I SCENE 7: BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN 24
ACT I SCENE 8: PANTS ON FIRE 26
ACT I SCENE 9: NEVER MEET YOUR HEROES 31
ACT I SCENE 10: BOOKS AND BUG ZAPPERS 31
ACT II SCENE 1: DON’T BE A HERO 35
ACT II SCENE 2: POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS 36
ACT II SCENE 4: SUCH A GOOD LISTENER 49
ACT II SCENE 5: THE JOKE KILLER 56
ACT II SCENE 6: JOKES ARE NO LAUGHING MATTER 58
ACT II SCENE 7: KISS AWAY YOUR TEARS 65
ACT II SCENE 8: HAPPY HABITS 65
ACT II SCENE 9: THE WINGS OF MY SECOND SOUL 70
14+ actors (7+ males, 7+ females)
*These parts below can be different actors for ACT I and ACT II to create 5 additional parts.
JAMES: A man on a religious journey to help others, but struggles with being pushy about his ideas. His clothing is old and worn out. He carries an old Bible and notebook he likes to write. He also loves to joke around at times too.
*ROSE: Office worker at hospital (data entry for medical billing)
*KELLY: Medical person works at hospital
HENRY: Restaurant host who looks down on others and likes being in control.
*SAMSON: A security guard (rent-a-cop) who isn’t very good at his job.
WINNY: A waitress who cares about others but is struggling to pay her bills.
*OLIVIA: Head chef at the restaurant who becomes friends with JAMES.
*CLUMP: Someone who thinks they have all the answers and loves to get attention.
PAIGE: Paige Turner is a librarian who loves romance novels.
WILSON: Greg Wilson is a local inventor who has a strong redneck background.
EDNA: An older hospital employee who loves to collect things and dreams of finding the right man.
PAULY: An older man who has trouble staying awake.
REGINA: A sick patient in the waiting room.
JOE: Grumpy guy in a wheelchair or on crutches.
**MASKED MAN: Wears a mask and has no lines so can be played by same actor as HENRY or WILSON
Optional EXTRAS for restaurant and hospital
NOTE: Quotes in the script come from Timber Hawkeye, Martin Luther King Jr, Clive Barker and St. Francis Of Assisi.
(monologue)
(JAMES is in an old torn up hoodie and ripped pants. He is holding a well read Bible worn from many years of use)
JAMES: Nothing good comes from the southside. We’re born bad and everyone here tries to keep it that way. But for some reason, I pray. I pray for a better day. A day when we don’t have to beg or steal our meal. I want us to earn what we need and deserve it. I’m tired of the whining and crying. I will lift myself up and make it better. I go to church, and hide in the back in my hoodie, hoping no one will recognize me. Nobody here but the oldies and the goodies anyway. I listen, hoping to understand something the priest says. It’s mostly alien to me. My family never went to church much. Just Easter and Christmas, at least until mama died. Then nobody cared anymore after that. Nobody but me. I want something different now. I want something better. Let me unlock the key to a new life. A life that’s not wasted. I don’t want to waste away here like everyone else. Make me better. Make me matter. Let me make a difference.
END OF SCENE
(scene for 3 actors)
(Two women, ROSE and KELLY, are sitting outside eating lunch together. A homeless looking man, JAMES, is wandering around behind them. He stops when he hears them speaking and slowly approaches them)
ROSE: Can you believe what Joe did today?
KELLY: What a loser.
ROSE: I’ve never seen anything so stupid in my life.
KELLY: Well I have. You know Sandy? In accounting?
ROSE: Yeah…
(JAMES jumps up between them and startles them)
JAMES: The tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity… it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.
ROSE: Okay…
KELLY: Bye bye now, weird little person
ROSE: Go on… there you go.
(JAMES wanders away mad. He pauses upstage and listens to them again)
KELLY: Anyway….
ROSE: What about Sandy?
KELLY: She has a secret.
ROSE: Really?
KELLY: And I know what it is.
ROSE: Tell me…
KELLY: No…
ROSE: Please…
KELLY: Okay….
(JAMES comes around from the side and startles them again)
JAMES: No man tame the tongue; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.
KELLY: Excuse me, but this is a private conversation.
ROSE: You want a hot dog or something? I’ll buy you a hot dog if you go away. I’m not giving you money though. You’ll just use it to get drugs or get drunk or something.
KELLY: I think he’s already drunk.
ROSE: Hot dog? No?
(JAMES goes away, but eventually makes his way back again to the other side of them)
KELLY: Maybe he’s vegan.
ROSE: He looks vegan.
KELLY: What does that mean?
ROSE: Are you vegan?
KELLY: No, but it’s supposed to be good for you.
ROSE: Have you ever had vegan food?
KELLY: No.
ROSE: Well, it’s not good.
KELLY: I hear Sandy likes vegan food.
ROSE: Stop teasing me! Tell me what Sandy did.
KELLY: You’ll never believe it.
ROSE: Try me.
KELLY: Well, let’s just say she is the reason Joe had that fit.
ROSE: That’s who Joe was screaming about?
KELLY: She is the one who shot him with a stapler.
ROSE: What did he do to her?
KELLY: Well I heard…
(JAMES speaks more softly and kindly)
JAMES: Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?
ROSE: Aren’t there some words of wisdom about minding your own business?
KELLY: Don’t try to reason with him.
ROSE: Maybe we should go.
KELLY: But then I’ll never know about Sandy… and Joe.
JAMES: Perhaps you can help them.
ROSE: Help them?
JAMES: Sandy and Joe need your help.
KELLY: They would make a cute couple.
ROSE: Maybe it was just a misunderstanding… Maybe Sandy is a victim of fake news. Maybe Joe didn’t really do what people said he did.
KELLY: What did he do?
JAMES: Fake news! Gossip! The serpent strikes and poisons their minds. Heal what is broken.
ROSE: Maybe I could help.
KELLY: Helping get people together is fun.
ROSE: Supposedly they were already together.
KELLY: Really?
ROSE: It was a secret love.
KELLY: I love secret loves.
ROSE: And we have to help them.
KELLY: Okay.
ROSE: I have a plan.
(KELLY and ROSE exit excitedly and one of them forgets their lunch. JAMES sits and eats it and smiles)
JAMES: Blessed are the peacemakers.
END OF SCENE
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(monologue)
ROSE: There are too many difficult choices in life. I’ve given up changing the world. I spent too many days barking up those trees. Now, I’m content to pay the bills and care for my family. But part of me still cares deeply for those causes I cried about in my youth. My heart still bleeds a little when there is an attack on my younger values. Can I work somewhere that does war with the ideals I once held dear? They destroy the very life I cherish, and claim they do no wrong. They show no regrets. They justify what they do. I try to ignore it. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should take a stand. But somehow the fight is all gone. What happened to me? When did I become all about numbers? Somehow my soul turned digital... mechanical… unfeeling... and cold.
I am sick of living in a cube! Why do I come here day after day? I don’t even see the point of what I’m doing. I spend each day getting pushed around by all of you. And all of you are getting pushed around by someone else. Do we even know why? Do we even care? As long as we get our paychecks, and as long as we get our vacation days, and our sick days, that’s all that really matters. Oh, and our retirement, which may not be there when we get old, and our medical insurance we can’t even use, because we can afford the bills it won’t pay. This is insane. Being here is an act of insanity. Day after day, doomed to repeat ourselves. Do we ever move forward? Do we ever make any progress? Does anyone really care what we do here? I know I don’t. I don’t care anymore. I’m done. I’m tired of putting my life on hold hoping for something they may never happen. And who knows if I can enjoy life later anyway? What if I’m sick? What if I get hurt? And I would look back at this time in my life and see this. This emptiness. This dead end. This abyss. So I’m giving my two weeks notice!
END OF SCENE
(scene for 4 actors)
(JAMES, still looking homeless, is sitting at a table in an outdoor cafe eating some food and writing in a notebook)
HENRY: What are you doing?
JAMES: Eating.
HENRY: This isn’t your table.
JAMES: It isn’t?
HENRY: No. You’re eating someone else’s food.
JAMES: They were done. They left. Here is the signed receipt. They left a nice tip.
HENRY: How generous. Now, leave.
JAMES: What will you do with all this food?
HENRY: Throw it in the trash. You can find it there later.
JAMES: I’d rather eat it now.
HENRY: I’d rather you didn’t.
JAMES: Waste not, want not.
HENRY: Must I get security?
JAMES: Look, I can pay. I have money. I can order something.
(JAMES waves to WINNY, a waitress)
WINNY: How can I help you?
HENRY: You can’t.
WINNY: Something wrong?
JAMES: I’d like to order one of those super healthy juices… the green superfood one.
WINNY: Coming right up.
(WINNY goes and HENRY is frustrated)
HENRY: No, it is not coming right up. You need to leave.
JAMES: What’s your problem?
HENRY: Someone has reserved this table already.
JAMES: There’s other tables.
HENRY: Not like this one.
JAMES: It does have a nice view.
HENRY: The best view. That’s why I need it immediately.
JAMES: Very relaxing.
HENRY: And highly desired by some of our most elite clients.
JAMES: You got someone pretty special wanting this table, eh?
HENRY: Indeed... so will you please move.
JAMES: After I get my juice.
(WINNY comes in with a green drink. She has one hand behind her back)
WINNY: Here you go.
(HENRY snags the drink)
HENRY: No, no, no.
(HENRY exits with drink. WINNY reveals another drink from behind her back and gives it to JAMES)
WINNY: I thought he might do that. That was a decoy. Here’s your drink.
JAMES: Thank you so much.
WINNY: Anything else?
JAMES: How about one of your famous cinnamon rolls?
WINNY: Warmed up?
JAMES: With butter.
WINNY: Of course.
(WINNY exits and HENRY enters with SAMSON, a security guard)
HENRY: Remove the vagabond please.
(HENRY does a snotty look and gesture at JAMES and goes)
SAMSON: Come on, let’s go.
JAMES: Have you ever had the cinnamon rolls here?
SAMSON: No, I’m not allowed to eat on the job. And they don’t have an employee discount or anything. I can’t really afford the food here.
JAMES: The cinnamon rolls are amazing.
(WINNY brings one out)
WINNY: Here you go. Nice and warm with extra butter.
JAMES: Amazing. Can you bring me another one?
WINNY: Sure. Coming right up.
(WINNY exits)
JAMES: Here, try it.
(SAMSON looks off stage nervously)
SAMSON: Um, I don’t know.
JAMES: If you try it, then I will come with you peacefully.
SAMSON: That sounds reasonable.
(JAMES gives SAMSON a fork. SAMSON sits down and takes a bite and gets a look of delight)
SAMSON: That is amazing.
JAMES: I know!
SAMSON: It melts in your mouth.
JAMES: Incredible isn’t it? Try some more.
SAMSON: Oh, wow. I’ve always smelled them cooking these. I’ve always wondered how good they might be. This is better than I imagined.
JAMES: Have the rest.
SAMSON: We better hurry.
(WINNY enters with box)
WINNY: I thought I better make this one to go. Someone is looking a little angry back there.
JAMES: Good thinking. Thank you. Keep the change.
(JAMES gives WINNY a wad of money)
WINNY: I don’t mind getting you change.
JAMES: No need.
WINNY: Are you sure?
JAMES: More than sure. You all work so hard here and made my day so much happier. I’m happy to do something in return.
WINNY: I hope it’s okay if I clear this table now.
JAMES: Of course. I’ll help.
WINNY: You don’t have to.
JAMES: I insist.
SAMSON: I’ll help too.
(They all work together and clear the table and exit. HENRY enters looking smug and satisfied)
HENRY: Much better.
(SAMSON enters still eating cinnamon roll. Stops when he sees HENRY)
SAMSON: The vagrant has been removed from the premises.
HENRY: Well, done. And his contraband has been recovered. That waitress needs to be fired.
(HENRY prepares table for next guest)
SAMSON: Oh, no. You don’t need to do that. The vagrant paid for everything.
HENRY: I doubt it.
SAMSON: I saw it with my own eyes. He even tipped the waitress.
HENRY: With counterfeit money, I’ll bet. Or stolen money.
SAMSON: As far as I can see, no crime was committed here. Everyone cooperated. No one needs to be punished.
HENRY: Look here, you two-bit rent-a-cop. We don’t pay you to have opinions. I know what I saw and I know I am right.
(HENRY takes cinnamon roll)
HENRY: Allow me to throw this in the trash for you.
SAMSON: No.
HENRY: What?
SAMSON: This was a gift.
HENRY (cont.): What are you talking about?
SAMSON: It was paid for and it was a gift… to me. And I like it.
(SAMSON lifts the fork slowly and defiantly, about to eat, stops, sighs, and gives it up to HENRY)
HENRY: Good choice.
(HENRY exits with cinnamon roll. WINNY enters with a box)
WINNY: That was brave what you did there, standing up for yourself like that)
SAMSON: Not quite. I backed down.
WINNY: But you did speak up. That’s more than I can do.
SAMSON: Thanks.
WINNY: Here’s a little reward.
SAMSON: A cinnamon roll?
WINNY: I thought you might like another one.
SAMSON: Thanks.
WINNY: One good turn deserves another.
END OF SCENE
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(monologue)
(WINNY is holding an animal and petting it, making cute nonsense sounds. She gets embarrassed when she realized the audience is watching)
WINNY: I talk to animals because they listen... They watch my every word with their curious eyes and twitch their little ears in anticipation of my next breath. They let me ramble and never judge. When I am sad, they comfort me with a cuddle, and when I am happy, they dance at my delight. No one else has the patience or the time. Deep down I must be an animal too. I belong in the trees, whispering with the wind, babbling with the brooks, dancing among the dandelions. I am a creature with fangs and fur and feathers. No human can comprehend my primitive musings... I am mysterious, misread, misunderstood... by everyone except you.
END OF SCENE
(scene for 2 actors plus extra)
(WINNY sees JAMES crouched in a corner shivering in the cold. She brings him a coat. JAMES gives her the biggest smile and puts it on. WINNY exits. The chef of the restaurant, OLIVIA, goes on break. She has a pitcher and glasses of lemonade. She sets it all on a table and exits again. JAMES goes over and sits at the table and starts drinking a cup of lemonade. The new jacket looks nice on him and he looks more like a hipster writer as he pulls out his notepad to write. OLIVIA returns with some food and stops when she sees JAMES. JAMES smiles kindly)
JAMES: You make amazing lemonade.
OLIVIA: What?
JAMES: I just wanted to tell you that.
OLIVIA: Well… thanks.
JAMES: I try to say one nice thing each day. And today, it’s for you.
OLIVIA: That’s a good way to be. Try to keep it nice.
JAMES: My grandpa taught me that.
OLIVIA: He sounds like a good man.
JAMES: The best.
(JAMES pours her a glass of lemonade and she sits too)
OLIVIA: Well, you’re lucky to have him. If only more people had someone like that. I don’t think I’ve had a good compliment in a long time.
JAMES: That’s just wrong. People should be nicer. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect.
OLIVIA: R-e-s-p-e-c-t - but there ain’t none for me.
JAMES: I keep hoping if I do enough kind things it will catch on and grow. I keep picturing a better world around me and then I do little things to try and make it that way.
OLIVIA: What do you picture for our street here?
JAMES: Trees… lots of trees. And a cleaner park. And no more rent payments for the Winny and her family. I heard they were getting kicked out of their house.
OLIVIA: Winny the waitress. The one who works here?
JAMES: She can’t afford her house payments anymore. I wonder what she is going to do?
OLIVIA: Sadly, there are no free rides in life. You owe me two dollars for that lemonade.
(JAMES tosses some coins on her tray)
JAMES: There you go.
OLIVIA: What’s this? Throwing some gold and silver my way?
JAMES: That is a Sacagawea dollar and two 50 cent pieces. I love old coins. My grandpa gave them to me. One more cup of lemonade, please.
OLIVIA: These are cool.
JAMES: Sometimes they’re worth more than their face value.
OLIVIA: Then why give them away?
JAMES: It’s no fun to keep it all to myself. I like to share. The magic is in the giving.
OLIVIA: Everyone needs to share more. I think I had the sharing beaten out of me. My family and I used to play Monopoly and it brought out the worst in me. I have to win it all and be in total control of the board. I want all the money and love crushing my competition. But all of my brothers and sisters are that way too. We had so many fights over that game that my dad finally set the board on fire.
JAMES: On fire?
OLIVIA: He tossed it in the fireplace along with all the Monopoly money. All we had left were the little homes and hotels.
JAMES: What do you do with them?
OLIVIA: We used them like poker chips and played poker.
JAMES: No way.
OLIVIA: Then Dad burned the cards.
JAMES: That’s too funny.
OLIVIA: And some of it might be true.
JAMES: So what did you dream about doing with your life?
OLIVIA: Winning Monopoly.
JAMES: Besides that?
OLIVIA: Winning the lottery.
JAMES: You have a winning attitude.
OLIVIA: I want to be a winner. I’m just not sure what I want to win. Anything. But so far, nothing.
JAMES: You win every day you’re alive.
OLIVIA: I guess so.
JAMES: I win every time I have a great cup of lemonade like this one.
OLIVIA: I suppose that’s your way of telling me you want a refill?
JAMES: Maybe.
(OLIVIA pours him another cup)
JAMES (CONT.): So do you have any dreams? Ones that don’t involve winning the lottery?
OLIVIA: You’re very chatty today, aren’t you?
JAMES: Your customers don’t usually hang out and talk?
OLIVIA: I don’t mind. I mean I see you around all the time, but usually you’re pretty quiet… sitting by a tree… or in a tree… and you always have that notebook. You doodle?
JAMES: I write stories.
OLIVIA: You write stories… on purpose? For fun?! Weird.
JAMES: I love writing. But today I feel like talking. I think I’m having writer’s block anyway. Talking might help.
OLIVIA: Imagine me helping someone write.
JAMES: What’s strange about that?
OLIVIA: I can’t really write. I used to get bad grades in English.
JAMES: Your teachers wouldn’t like my stories either. They’re pretty crazy.
OLIVIA: It must be fun to have a talent. I’m not good at anything.
JAMES: You make the best lemonade. And you’re an amazing chef.
OLIVIA: I guess.
JAMES: I bet you’re good at other things too… like Monopoly.
OLIVIA: If only the real world were as easy to figure out as Monopoly. There aren’t many good chance cards in the real world. And I don’t collect $200 every time I pass Go.
JAMES: But hopefully you don’t get to jail as often either.
OLIVIA: Nope. Just visiting.
JAMES: What if I told you one of those coins I paid you with was worth a lot of money?
(OLIVIA gathers them and looks at them)
OLIVIA: Really?
JAMES: What would you do with it?
OLIVIA: I think I’d help Winny keep her house. I wish people didn’t have to worry like that. Imagine losing your home. That must be so horrible.
(JAMES pulls out some more coins)
OLIVIA: What are you doing?
JAMES: I feel like granting some wishes tonight.
OLIVIA: You my fairy godmother or something?
JAMES: Fairy godfather.
OLIVIA: You’re serious?
(JAMES pulls out a specific coin)
JAMES: This is the one we need.
OLIVIA: Said in a mysterious voice… What's special about this one, Fairy Godfather?
JAMES: It’s magic.
OLIVIA: Magic?
JAMES: When the time is right, make a wish… and maybe it will come true.
OLIVIA: What if I wish for world peace?
JAMES: Well, us Fairy Godfathers have limits… no wishing for more wishes, I can’t kill anyone, I can’t make anyone fall in love… and I can’t make world peace…
OLIVIA: You’re not a very powerful Fairy Godfather.
JAMES: There’s so little magic left in the world. Except for this coin. Whenever I find a little bit of magic, I tuck it away for just the right occasion.
OLIVIA: Is that a nickel?
JAMES: A very special nickel. The 1913 Liberty Nickel.
OLIVIA: I thought 13 was an unlucky number.
JAMES: But 1913 is very lucky. It was the year of the very first crossword puzzle. And the prize for being the first person to solve that puzzle? A nickel. But not just any nickel. This nickel. The Liberty Nickel.
OLIVIA: The magic Liberty Nickel.
JAMES: Correct.
OLIVIA: And what is this magic nickel worth Fairy Godfather?
JAMES: More than a nickel. My grandpa gave it to me and said it was very special and to save it for something really important. I think Winny and her family are important enough, don’t you?
OLIVIA: So what do we do? Do we have to spend the magic nickel before midnight?
JAMES: Do you want to give it to Winny or keep it for yourself?
OLIVIA: If we don’t help her, who will?
JAMES: I don’t know.
OLIVIA: You’re a good person, James.
JAMES: Like my grandpa always says, “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better, it’s not.” Well, I don’t think he made that up, but he said it a lot.
OLIVIA: I like that. I will take your magic coin and make things better.
(They take the lemonade and exit)
END OF SCENE
Buy a low cost PDF of this scene from Freedrama store.
(monologue)
JAMES: I often wonder why some countries around the world hate my country so much. I’m not even sure what we’re doing wrong. And that’s the problem. I have no clue what my country is doing. What has my country done to make people so angry?
I know the arguments. If we take care of problems in other countries, then we won’t have problems here. That’s kind of true, but is it the right thing to do? If I burn down my annoying neighbor’s house, I don’t have to worry about him playing his music too loud or having his dog poop on my lawn. But I destroyed his home in the process. I might have even killed someone. And I made all the other neighbors anxious and nervous. Is that the kind of neighborhood I want?
At some point, someone needs to take a step back and say, if I do this now, will it create more problems later. I might stop a problem now, but I will make it a worse problem later. If I fight the parents, do I teach their children to hate me? Whatever happened to love your enemies? Nothing. That’s the problem. I’m not sure anyone has loved their enemies yet. I wonder what would happen if we started? Maybe if we’re kinder to our enemies, we won’t have so many enemies anymore.
END OF SCENE
(scene for 4 actors plus extras)
(HENRY leads CLUMP to the table that he identified earlier as a table for a special client. HENRY gathers a few more chairs for the table)
HENRY: Here is your preferred table, sir?
CLUMP: Excellent. Please direct the students for my seminar here.
HENRY: Of course, sir. I’m pleased that you’ve selected our restaurant for your workshop. I’ve actually read your book, sir. It’s inspiring.
CLUMP: Yes, I know.
(CLUMP is getting ready for a lunchtime seminar in the restaurant, gathering his papers, greeting people as they enter. PAIGE, WILSON and JAMES enter as well as characters from other scenes enter: EDNA, SAMSON, WINNY, ROSE, etc. HENRY guides them and adds more chairs as needed. PAIGE has CLUMP’s book and wants to have him sign in but he ignores her and HENRY directs her to a seat. It’s important the CLUMP faces the audience and that JAMES can be seen. During the scene, PAIGE is reading a romance novel the whole time and WILSON looks very confused, gets bored, looks at PAIGE a lot)
CLUMP: Welcome to the advanced leadership seminar. Armed with carefully crafted lies you can become the ultimate politician, a master lawyer or the salesman of the year. You all enter now with the rank of little white liar but under my tutelage I will guide you to be a master liar with your Pants on Fire. To achieve the rank of Pants on Fire you must dedicate yourself to this course above all other courses. You must commit yourself to being the best deceiver of anyone you know. You need to be willing to indulge in lies even when it is totally unnecessary. Lying is an art. And being a true liar is a way of life.
(JAMES looks confused and gets up to leave the seminar)
CLUMP (CONT): My experience in fabrication comes from practicing law as both an attorney and judge. I now run a popular online news channel and podcast. I have also consulted on numerous political campaigns...
(CLUMP notices JAMES leaving)
CLUMP: Is there a problem?
JAMES: I think I am in the wrong seminar. I signed up for one about Ethics.
CLUMP: Fate has brought you to us. Besides, your ethics seminar was canceled.
JAMES: What? Are you sure?
CLUMP: Positive.
JAMES: I checked on it this morning. The class is full. Why would they cancel? Wait… you're lying aren’t you?
CLUMP: Why waste your time with ethics? Ethics will only hinder you and slow you down in life, but lies will set you free.
JAMES: I thought lying was bad.
(CLUMP laughs and students join him. Everyone laughs except JAMES)
CLUMP: You’ll get nowhere with an attitude like that.
JAMES: Nowhere is better than where you’re going.
(JAMES laughs but no one laughs with him)
CLUMP: Let’s give you a test. Would you vote for an honest person who says things you don’t believe in or a dishonest person who agrees with you? And say the honest person succeeds in doing the thing you disagree with but the dishonest person fails. You end up worse off because you supported the honest person. The smart politician lies and tells you what you want. They may even “try” to get you what you want. You have a better chance of getting what you want with the dishonest politician. So why bother with the honest one?
JAMES: You’re really twisting this around. Oh what a tangled web you weave.
CLUMP: And is the honest person really honest? Or just a better liar? Everyone is hiding something. The honest person appears “clean” because they are better liars.
JAMES: The political system is so corrupt. There’s no such thing as an honest politician anymore.
CLUMP: We can apply this to business too.
JAMES: Please don’t.
CLUMP: To law.
JAMES: No surprise there.
CLUMP: Lawyers create truth to help others, to defend, to free. The lie must be so convincing that you believe it yourself in order to be a success.
JAMES: Everything is corrupt; it’s all a lie.
CLUMP: I challenge you to think of one arena that is fabrication free
JAMES: How about education?
CLUMP: The biggest lie of all.
JAMES: What? How?
CLUMP: Education reflects the ideas of those in power. History is written by those in power. What we teach here is a LOT different from what they teach in North Korea.
JAMES: But that’s a whole different country with a crazy dictator.
CLUMP: It happens in America too. Do you really think Seattle teachers are telling students the same thing as they do in Dallas?
JAMES: It’s basically the same.
CLUMP: Ever hear about evolution?
JAMES: Of course.
CLUMP: You think they teach the same thing about it in Dallas and Seattle?
JAMES: So conservatives are stupid is what you’re saying?
CLUMP: No, liberals can be stupid too. Some schools have banned Christmas in Maryland and New York. I love Christmas. It’s the easiest time to live a lie.
JAMES: Now you're saying Christmas is a lie?
CLUMP: It's the biggest lie of all. Santa? Santa is a major lie parents tell their children to make them happy. See. Lies are fun.
JAMES: You're confusing lies with stories.
CLUMP: But we love to tell our children that these stories are true.
JAMES: So you’re saying that everything we believe in is just a lie?
CLUMP: Even your heroes are liars. People admire actors and they make a living at lying. Athletes aren't much better. They can be violent. They cheat, steal, do drugs.
JAMES: There are some heroes who tell the truth and force us all to see through the lies. Like Martin Luther King Jr.
CLUMP: Shot.
JAMES: Gandhi.
CLUMP: Shot.
JAMES: Mother Teresa.
CLUMP: I’ll give you that one
JAMES: So I win?
CLUMP: What?
JAMES: I win! I found someone who told the truth and was honest and good. She is someone I can admire and look up to and emulate.
CLUMP: My friend, you’re no Mother Teresa.
JAMES: How do you know? Maybe I can be one day. Maybe I can still be someone good who helps others and makes this world a better place.
CLUMP: Good luck with that.
JAMES: Thanks. I am off to find some hungry people to feed and some sick people to take care of.
(JAMES exits)
CLUMP: Alright class. For your homework, research Mother Teresa. Find something she lied about. No one can become that famous or that important without telling a few lies along the way. Dig up some dirt. I want to take this woman down!
(CLUMP slams his hand on the table and startles everyone. He gathers up his stuff angrily. PAIGE goes up to CLUMP to have her book signed but he pushes her aside and leaves frustrated)
END OF SCENE
Buy a PDF of this scene from the Freedrama store.
(monologue)
PAIGE: Never meet your heroes. Heroes are more of an idea than a fact. We believe in them, but they do not believe in themselves. They are flawed, imperfect and damaged like the rest of us. Their greatness grows in our minds and evolves into a myth that we recite over and over until we believe it without question.
The best heroes are the dead ones. They never disappoint us. We can believe all we want about them and it’s less likely that we’ll learn the truth. Their glorious stories begin to cement in our minds and the darkness of their lives fade into the dawn of our expectations. Heroes are never born; we create them. They spring from our minds and are given power by our imaginations.
END OF SCENE
(scene for 2 actors)
(Everyone leaves except for PAIGE and WILSON. PAIGE goes back to reading a romance novel. WILSON stands up and wanders a bit but doesn’t leave. She notices him and thinks he is cute and looks in a compact mirror to check herself and sees something in her teeth. She picks at it as WILSON goes up to her and tries to look in her mirror - she notices and gets embarrassed)
WILSON: You like books?
PAIGE: Yes, I’m a librarian.
WILSON: You work at the library?
PAIGE: Yes.
WILSON: You have any books about name robbing?
PAIGE: You mean identity theft?
WILSON: Yeah. That.
PAIGE: Let me see what we have.
(PAIGE gets out her phone)
WILSON: What are you doing?
PAIGE: I was going to look it up on the library app.
WILSON: Oh, no. Don't do that. That's how I ended up in this pickle in the first place.
PAIGE: Yes, identity theft can occur on the web. I'm sorry to hear it happened to you. Did you give some of your personal information online?
WILSON: I was getting my new hunting license and they had to enter all my info in one of them computers now and they said I was somebody else!
(PAIGE is being flirty)
PAIGE: What is your name?
WILSON: Greg Wilson.
PAIGE: Of the Wilson bug zappers?
WILSON: That's right. I invented the first FDA approved indoor bug zapper. Patent pending.
PAIGE: That was the talk of the town a few years ago - so you're like a real inventor?
WILSON: I'll let you in on a secret. I kind of done it by accident.
PAIGE: Many inventors do. Like Alfred Nobel. He created dynamite by accident. Many great discoverers were made that way.
WILSON: Aw, I ain't all that great.
PAIGE: In this town you are. You're our local celebrity. Thanks to you, we can all enjoy bug free meals.
WILSON: You make me sound all heroic and special. I like that. What's your name anyway?
PAIGE: Paige.
WILSON: Paige what?
PAIGE: It's a silly name actually. I think my parents were being funny. Paige Turner.
WILSON: Well, you could get married and change it.
PAIGE: I'd love to get married.
WILSON: Yeah me too… just waiting for the right filly to come along...
PAIGE: What do you look for in a... Filly?
WILSON: I need a brave woman. A woman ain't afraid of a wild stallion like me who won't be tamed. She needs to stand back and let me be me. And be there for me when I need something, like a pizza or a back rub.
PAIGE: I like pizza.
WILSON: What kind?
PAIGE: Green olive and bacon.
WILSON: Bacon? Sounds yummy. How about mushrooms?
PAIGE: Hate them.
WILSON: Me too.
PAIGE: You ever try Joe's pizza?
WISON: Almost every day.
PAIGE: Been there yet today?
WISON: Nope.
PAIGE: Want to uh.. Meet there for dinner... I'll bring some info for you about identity theft.
WILSON: You really want to help me?
PAIGE: Yes.
WILSON: I guess the library ain't such a bad place after all.
PAIGE: It's the best place on earth. It's my home away from home. Growing up it was always my refuge. I could always escape here and discover something new… something that would take me away from all my worries and troubles. I am always happiest in a library surrounded by books.
WILSON: It's nice to see someone so happy with what they're doing. I wish everyone was like that. Too many people hate what they are doing. Life’s too short not to be happy. And today, pizza is going to make me happy. Pizza and you.
PAIGE: And me?
WILSON: And you. See you later alligator.
PAIGE: In a while crocodile.
(WILSON leaves)
PAIGE (CONT.): I have a date!
END OF SCENE
Buy a PDF of this scene from the Freedrama store.
(monologue)
JAMES: I don’t have a weapon. I’m unarmed. Put your gun away. I’m listening, okay? I’ll do whatever you want. Here’s my wallet. Is that what you want? Take it. Take it!
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. I’ve never had this happen before. I’ve never had a gun pointed at me. I didn’t know what it was like. I thought I could handle something like this. I thought I was brave, but… I know I’m not.
“Don’t be a hero,” must be my motto. You hear that and think… but maybe I would be. Maybe I could face danger and stand up and do something no one else would do. I won’t. No, no. Don’t worry. I won’t. I’m not a hero. I’ll do whatever say. Just, please, don’t shoot me.
END OF SCENE
(scene for 4 actors plus extras)
(PEOPLE nervously gather in a hospital waiting room. SAMSON has some police tape tied to some chairs and is blocking off a corridor. CLUMP has his phone out and is excitedly trying to record what is happening. KELLY rushes in. Actors from other scenes can be there too)
KELLY: What’s going on?
CLUMP: Something happened.
KELLY: I can see that. WHAT happened?
CLUMP: I don’t know.
KELLY: Anyone here know what’s going on?
(No one knows)
KELLY: I’m going in.
SAMSON: Wait a minute… what are you doing?
KELLY: I work here.
SAMSON: You can’t go in there.
KELLY: What’s happening?
(SAMSON gets a radio call)
SAMSON: Get back behind the tape.
(SAMSON runs off. People have cell phones out)
KELLY: What are you all doing?
CLUMP: Hoping we get something on video.
KELLY: That's all you care about? Aren’t you worried?
CLUMP: Worried I’ll miss all the action.
KELLY: People could be hurt in there… or sick… I hate not knowing what is going on.
CLUMP: Look! There’s people coming out.
(He and others start recording with their cell phones)
CLUMP (CONT): See any blood?
KELLY: You’re sick.
CLUMP: Oh! Say that again on camera.
(KELLY takes his phone and throws it)
KELLY: There’s an aerial shot for you.
CLUMP: Hey!
(CLUMP chases after his phone. SAMSON rushes in and yells at someone on the other side of the tape. He holds up his taser)
SAMSON: Show me your hands! You! Drop it! Now!
(EDNA enters with stuff in her arms and freaks out and doesn’t know what to do)
KELLY: Stop! Stop! Don’t shoot her!
(KELLY runs and defends EDNA)
SAMSON: What are you doing? I could have tased you.
CLUMP: Shoot her, please! I need something good for TikTok. Shoot, shoot, shoot!
SAMSON: Back off you…
(SAMSON grabs CLUMP)
CLUMP: I’m being oppressed! The cop is man-handling me… I’m being oppressed!
(SAMSON drags off CLUMP)
KELLY: It’s okay, Edna. He won’t hurt you.
EDNA: I had to save my collection. I couldn’t let anything happen to my collection.
KELLY: I know your collection is very important to you.
EDNA: I should have left them at home… I thought they’d be safe at work. Everyone loves seeing them… I love sharing them, but I never thought they’d be in danger.
KELLY: What’s happening in there? What’s going on?
(SAMSON returns)
EDNA: I don’t know… there was lots of screaming and everyone started running. Someone grabbed me and told me to get out. I couldn’t leave my collection though.
SAMSON: You could have been hurt though lady. You should drop everything and run when there is danger. And keep your hands free. I could have shot you. I didn’t know if you had a weapon.
KELLY: Hey, wait a minute. You don’t even have a gun.
SAMSON: Shhh! Not so loud.
KELLY: What’s the deal?
SAMSON: I’m in training okay. But they wanted every available security guard here. That’s why I’m not inside though.
KELLY: I really wish I knew what was going on. Are you sure you didn't see anything, Edna?
EDNA: There was something weird. There was this guy who kept pacing around the hallways. He seemed very agitated. He’d sit for a moment and then jump up and pace. He tried reading a magazine and then threw it. He was scary.
SAMSON: Did you report it?
EDNA: What? No, I didn’t think it was my job to.
SAMSON: It’s everyone’s job to report something suspicious.
EDNA: I didn’t want to make waves. I didn’t want to cause problems.
SAMSON: What if that guy is the one causing problems in there now… if you’d reported him…
KELLY: Leave her alone. Can’t you see she’s already upset?
SAMSON: Fine… take her through… get her out of here.
(CLUMP has snuck back and has his phone out again recording)
EDNA: Oh, no. I left one.
SAMSON: One what?
KELLY: Something from her collection.
EDNA: I must have dropped one. I have to go back.
SAMSON: No way.
EDNA: I can’t leave it behind.
(EDNA runs back)
SAMSON: Stop!
(SAMSON chases her)
CLUMP: Why doesn’t he shoot her?!
KELLY: Why doesn’t he shoot you?
CLUMP: I’d settle for that.
KELLY: I think there’s a much better angle for you… over there.
(Takes his phone and throws it)
CLUMP: Stop doing that?!
(CLUMP goes after his phone – SAMSON enters carrying EDNA or trying to – or pulling her)
EDNA: Leave me alone! Let me go!
(EDNA escapes – SAMSON goes after her again)
EDNA: Give those back.
(SAMSON runs back the other way with her collection and EDNA chases)
CLUMP: Did I miss anything?
KELLY: You missed everything. You can go home now.
CLUMP: I think you’re lying.
KELLY: I think you’re annoying.
CLUMP: I don’t like you.
KELLY: I don’t like you either.
(SAMSON returns – he still has Edna’s collection – EDNA is sneaking through the crowd and hides behind CLUMP)
SAMSON: Where did she go?
(EDNA jumps out)
EDNA: Got you!
SAMSON: Hey!
CLUMP: This is good!
SAMSON: I can arrest you for this!
EDNA: Go ahead and try!
(SAMSON falls down tired. EDNA gets her collection and runs)
KELLY: Maybe you should consider a different career choice.
SAMSON: Maybe… I like cooking… maybe I could be a chef or something.
CLUMP: Go get her! She’s getting away! We can do like an action shot with you chasing her. When you catch her, knock her down and kick her or something.
SAMSON: As long as she doesn’t go back inside, I’m done with her.
(EDNA runs back inside)
EDNA: I’m coming!
SAMSON: She went back inside.
(SAMSON chases after her. EDNA returns. MASKED MAN chases her [can be played by HENRY, WILSON, JOE or a new actor] and grabs EDNA)
EDNA: It’s the scary man!
SAMSON: Stop right there!
(MASKED MAN lets go of EDNA and runs)
CLUMP: He’s running.
SAMSON: Why does no one listen to me?
CLUMP: Go get him! Shoot him! Something… please!
(SAMSON runs after MASKED MAN who runs around the stage – CLUMP tries to follow)
CLUMP: Chase scene!
(KELLY grabs his phone)
KELLY: They went that-a-way.
(KELLY throws it the other direction opposite where MASKED MAN and SAMSON exit)
CLUMP: Curse you!
(CLUMP goes after his phone)
KELLY: I wonder what that guy did?
EDNA: I don’t know.
KELLY: Where’d you put your collection?
EDNA: In my car.
KELLY: How’d you get a parking spot so close to the hospital?
EDNA: I have a special sticker.
KELLY: How’d you get that?
EDNA: I will never tell.
(MASKED MAN runs in, trips and falls. SAMSON trips, falls on him and then grabs him. SAMSON drags him out again)
KELLY: Look! He got him!
EDNA: I don’t believe it.
KELLY: It looks like he tripped and fell on him.
EDNA: Still caught him.
KELLY: The real police are there now. They’re cuffing the crook.
EDNA: Aw… how cute. They are patting our guy on the back and shaking his hand.
KELLY: He’s a hero.
EDNA: Our hero.
KELLY: Local boy done good.
EDNA: I want his autograph.
(SAMSON returns)
SAMSON: Alright everyone. Nothing to see here. Back about your business.
(any extras leave)
KELLY: You stopped the bad guy.
SAMSON: I found this too.
EDNA: My rare wooggie whitchet! You found it! You’re the greatest!
KELLY: Maybe you did pick the right career after all.
SAMSON: Maybe I did.
KELLY: We’re lucky to have you protecting us.
SAMSON: Just doing my job.
EDNA: Sorry I was so difficult… I feel bad now… want to arrest me?
(EDNA holds out her hands)
SAMSON: I’ll let you off with a warning.
EDNA: You sure? I’ve been very bad.
SAMSON: I’m sure.
(SAMSON and EDNA leave. CLUMP runs back in)
CLUMP: Did I miss anything?
KELLY: You missed everything.
CLUMP: Really?
KELLY: But it was a happy ending.
CLUMP: I hate happy endings. I’m glad I missed it.
KELLY: Did I break your phone?
CLUMP: Maybe.
KELLY: Good.
(KELLY leaves and CLUMP calls after her)
CLUMP (CONT.): I thought hospital people were supposed to be nice.
(KELLY returns and throws his phone again and then leaves)
CLUMP (CONT.): I guess not.
END OF SCENE
Buy a PDF of this scene from the Freedrama store.
(monologue)
PAULY: I can’t believe you people. You come and mess up my shop every time you decide you want to have a protest party. Yes, party! That’s what I call it. Because I think you’re all just playing around. What are you really accomplishing anyway? You’re just out here to have fun and make a mess.
Put your energy into something that really matters. Feed the homeless, build them homes, help troubled kids, volunteer for something… plant a tree! You’re just tearing us all down when you do this. Instead of complaining all the time, get out there and actually do something. Faith without works is dead, my friends.
Where were you all when your candidate was losing? I bet you didn’t even get around to voting. Why weren’t you all out there holding rallies to try and get people excited about this person.
I know… it is hard to get excited about any politicians. But you don’t have to do this instead. You don’t have to ruin everything I’ve worked hard for.
Work! That’s what I do. Maybe you should try it sometime. You’re just looking for an excuse to whine and destroy things. You think it’s fun to spray paint my walls and break my windows. Why can’t you build up our country instead of always tearing it down?
You’re creating this problem. The more you break and ruin, the more you make us want to vote for the other person. You push us away. You’re revolting. And not in the protest way… in the ugly way. So revolting that I can’t even look at you. And it makes me turn away from the ugliness you support. Because that’s what you do. You make things ugly. You ruin everything you touch.
If you want to change things… do something… talk is cheap… and if only you would talk… you have to destroy things too. Instead of painting nasty messages on my wall, go paint an old widow’s house or mow her lawn. You have a grandma or grandpa? You visited them lately? Maybe you should spend some time talking to them and learning from them. Maybe they have something smart to say to take the place of all those dumb thoughts in your head.
That’s it… that’s all I’m going to say. You’re not listening anyway. At least stop busting up my store! Please… try helping instead of hurting… I’m getting too old for this.
END OF SCENE
(scene for 2 actors)
(EDNA sets up behind a desk in the hospital waiting room. She is arranging her collection. PAULY enters, and approaches EDNA)
PAULY: I’m here for the sleep study.
EDNA: Here’s some paperwork to fill out. Read this, sign this, check these boxes, sign this, read this and initial here.
PAULY: Could you say that again?
EDNA: Here’s a form that covers what I just said. Please don’t write on that one.
PAULY: Anything else?
EDNA: Sit over there please.
PAULY: If I sit I might fall asleep.
EDNA: You’re not allowed to stand. Here’s a form explaining why there’s no standing in the waiting room. You can keep that copy. I have extras.
PAULY: I’m really tired. My eyes are blurry. I’m not sure I can get through all this.
EDNA: Did you want to reschedule your appointment?
PAULY: No, I really need to see someone about my sleeping problem.
EDNA: Then read it, sign it, check it, sign it, read it and initial here.
PAULY: Ooops. I wrote on the one you told me to not write on.
EDNA: Sign this form acknowledging that you’ll pay for a replacement copy.
PAULY: $50! For a copy?
EDNA: I will have to reproduce the form since that was my only copy and that cost covers the labor.
PAULY: You have to be kidding me.
EDNA: I never kid, sir.
PAULY: That’s obvious.
(PAULY goes and sits and tries to do the paperwork. EDNA starts to sniffle, gets a tissue and dabs her eyes. PAULY is trying not to fall asleep but nods off and messes up one of the forms as he snores. EDNA starts crying loudly and wakes him up)
PAULY: Whoa! Hey! What’s wrong?
EDNA: You hurt my feelings.
PAULY: What? I did.
EDNA: I said… “I never kid, sir.” And you said… “That’s obvious.” That hurt my feelings.
PAULY: Oh, geez. I didn’t mean… I mean I did mean… but I didn’t mean to be so mean.
EDNA: Then why were you?
PAULY: I don’t know… I guess it’s because I’m so tired all time… it makes me grumpy.
EDNA: That doesn’t give you a right to take it out on me. I’m just doing my job you know. I don’t like all these forms any more than you do. You think I like filing all these forms and entering all that information in the computer. You know some people actually write obnoxious things on the forms.
PAULY: Oh really? That’s terrible.
(PAULY takes one of the forms he did and crumples it up)
EDNA: Why are people so mean to me?
PAULY: Well, I think people just misunderstand you.
EDNA: They do?
PAULY: You’re just trying to do your job and be all business like… but people misunderstand that business like nature of yours.
(PAULY starts nodding off during the following)
EDNA: I’m just trying to be efficient. I don’t like wasting people’s time. And we get so busy sometimes, I don’t want people to wait longer than they have to so I try to be really efficient about all the forms. I’m trying to come up with the perfect system, but it’s never quite right. Someone always gets mad… someone always gets mean. But there’s a real person behind these forms… There's a heart and soul behind this paperwork. There’s a sensitive woman who files these signatures and records these checkboxes. But I do this to help you… I collect information that improves your chances to get better again. The more the doctor knows about you, the better chance you have of finding a cure.
(PAULY is asleep standing up. EDNA blows her nose and wakes him up)
EDNA (CONT.) : Thanks for listening to me.
(PAULY wakes up)
PAULY: Sure, yeah… I see what you mean.
EDNA: I’m so sorry… that was so unprofessional of me.
PAULY: Maybe you need to be a little more unprofessional.
EDNA: What do you mean?
PAULY: Well, this professional shtick ain’t workin for ya. Maybe you need to relax a little. Let your hair down.
EDNA: Oh, no. I work very hard getting my hair like this.
PAULY: It’s a figure of speech, Doll. I’m just saying you need to be a little more… personal.
EDNA: Personal? Like friendly? That never goes well for me either.
PAULY: What do you mean?
EDNA: People always get the wrong idea.
PAULY: What kind of wrong idea?
EDNA: Well… if I am a little more relaxed… a little less professional… a little more myself…
(EDNA takes off her glasses and smiles)
EDNA (CONT.) : I’m a little more like this… “Hi..”
(EDNA does a very sexy hi)
EDNA (CONT.) : “Welcome.”
PAULY: Oh, wow. I see what you mean there… it’s uh… like you… are uh…
EDNA: Too nice.
PAULY: Exactly.
(EDNA puts on her glasses)
EDNA: It’s better to be professional.
PAULY: Why? Did something bad happen… when you weren’t professional?
EDNA: I don’t want to talk about it. Are you done with your forms?
PAULY: Oh… uh… well, I messed up on one of them. Could you get another one of the pages… which one was it?
EDNA: Why don’t you start over? Here’s a new packet - read it, sign it, check it, sign it, read it and initial here.
PAULY: Thanks, Doll.
(PAULY goes to sit and starts to nod off again as he tries to do the forms again. EDNA thinks, takes off her glasses and looks in a mirror. She gets annoyed and puts them on again)
EDNA: You know what?
(PAULY wakes, messes up another form and stands)
PAULY: What’s that, Doll?
EDNA: I’m tired of being professional all the time. But I’m afraid to be unprofessional too.
PAULY: Try it for a minute… and if it doesn’t go well, you can go back to being professional and I’ll never bug you about it again.
(EDNA takes off her glasses)
EDNA: Okay, well… there’s a reason I don’t like being unprofessional. Last time I was unprofessional, someone broke my heart.
PAULY: Who’s the lowly jerkwod who did that?
(PAULY falls asleep standing during the following)
EDNA: There was this repair guy who used to come here a lot. He was a little cliché’ – not the smartest guy but really good with his hands. He could fix anything. He even had the little crack when he bent over. But it was the nicest crack. And it’s not a plumber’s crack because he doesn’t do plumbing. I don’t think I could date a plumber. But a fix it man… good with his hands… I’d like that. I really like hands. They say so much about a guy. I can’t like a man with soft hands… it would be like being with another woman… and it means he never did a hard day’s work. But I love a man with good, strong hands. It means they can take care of you and aren’t afraid to work hard to get what they want. I thought this repair guy… Stanley was his name… was the kind of guy who could make me happy. So I started bringing him treats… baking him cookies and such.
(PAULY opens his eyes a little and smacks his lips when he hears cookies)
PAULY: Mmmm… cookies.
(but then he drifts off again)
EDNA: He seems to really like it. And he’d take breaks and sit and talk with me. I feel like we really connected and he acted like he really liked me. But then he left his cell phone by accident… I know I should have looked but it kept buzzing and text messages kept appearing… I shouldn’t have looked at them but I couldn’t help it… I was so sad when I did… because they were from his wife!
(PAULY wakes up and nods like he has been listening)
EDNA (CONT.) : I could tell by what she was saying… bossing him around… wanting him to run errands for her… asking where he was… getting angrier and angrier that he wouldn’t answer… Why did he toy with me like that? Why did he act like he liked me when he knew he couldn’t? It doesn’t matter now though… but it did hurt… a lot. You’re such a good listener, you know that?
PAULY: Oh… well… I try.
EDNA: I meet so many guys that just want to talk about themselves. I never seem to have anything interesting to say so I usually don’t say too much.
PAULY: That’s ok. I don’t mind. You have a nice voice. It’s nice to listen to. I didn’t get my forms done though.
EDNA: You know what? Forget the forms… the doctor always asks these questions again anyway. We’ll just blame the computer and say it lost the file.
PAULY: I’m starting to really like you, Doll.
EDNA: I’m Edna.
PAULY: Name’s Pauly.
EDNA: Lovely to meet you, Pauly.
PAULY: So what kind of cookies do you bake?
EDNA: I’ve got some in the break room. Follow me.
(EDNA takes PAULY by the arm and they exit)
END OF SCENE
Buy a PDF of this scene from the Freedrama store.
(monologue)
JAMES: It’s so hard to be funny. I can’t even tell jokes right. When I hear something funny, I try to remember it, but then it comes out wrong. There’s nothing better than making people laugh. Laughter really is the best medicine. A good joke can change a sad, dark or tense moment into a tolerable one. Something funny can turn my day around. I want to do that for other people too. And on those rare occasions where I am funny, I ruin it somehow. I don’t know when to stop. I can’t let a joke linger and spread it’s good will. I have to shovel it deep and spread it like manure. If it’s funny once, it will be funny over and over again right? Wrong. But I never learn. I’m the joke killer. That should be my superpower… joke killing. Don’t let me near something funny, okay? You don’t want humor to fall into the wrong hands. These hands will use and abuse it.
END OF SCENE
(scene for 5 actors)
(Patients waiting in an emergency room at a hospital. REGINA looks very ill. ROSE frowns, rubs her hands together and looks down nervously, avoiding eye contact. JAMES looks around, curious and smiling at everyone. JAMES notices ROSE who won’t make eye contact. JAMES moves closer to ROSE and ROSE looks the other way. JAMES sits quietly and stares at ROSE)
JAMES: Want to hear a joke?
ROSE: Not really.
JAMES: Why did the Orca go to the hospital?
(ROSE ignores JAMES)
JAMES (cont.): Because he wasn’t feeling whale!
(JAMES laughs at his own joke)
JAMES (cont.): And guess what the card said that his friends got him.
(ROSE gets up and walks away. JAMES turns to REGINA)
JAMES (cont.): Get whale soon.
(JAMES laughs, and REGINA forces a smile. JAMES then follows ROSE)
JAMES (cont.): I just wanted to help pass the time. I noticed you’ve been here almost as long as I have. Waiting around in the ER is never easy. I thought some jokes might help. Sorry about that.
ROSE: Okay, yeah. Whatever.
(ROSE goes back to a chair and sits. JAMES tries to stay where he is but finally goes back over to REGINA who is looking really ill)
JAMES: Why did the banana go to the hospital?
(REGINA does a weak smile)
REGINA: Why?
JAMES: He had too many bruises.
(JAMES laughs but REGINA looks really sick and runs off stage [optional vomit sound]. JAMES turns to ROSE)
JAMES: I guess she didn’t like that joke.
(JOE has a broken leg and enters on crutches or in a wheelchair. He pulls up to some empty chairs. JAMES rushes over)
JAMES: Welcome to the ER.
JOE: Thanks… uh, you work here?
JAMES: I wish. I love hospitals. No, I’m just waiting here like the rest of you. I just like to tell everyone some jokes to help pass the time.
JOE: Oh.
(JOE gets a call on his phone)
JOE (cont.): I better take this. Hello…
(During the following, a KELLY enters and talks to ROSE in the background. As the KELLY speaks to her, she gets more and more upset)
JAMES: Hey…
(JAMES tries to get JOE’s attention)
JOE: Hang on… What?
JAMES: What does a mermaid use to call her friends?
(JOE gives JAMES a cold stare)
JAMES: A shell phone.
(JAMES laughs. JOE talks into his phone)
JOE: I’m done. Can you pick me up now? Please hurry.
JAMES: Why did the mermaid want to cross the road?
(JOE looks mad)
JAMES (cont.): To get to the seaside.
(JAMES laughs and JOE struggles to get away)
JAMES (cont.): Why can’t the mermaid cross the road?
(JOE is having trouble escaping)
JAMES (cont.): She doesn’t have any legs.
(JOE finally escapes. ROSE is crying and moves downstage toward audience. DOCTOR follows)
DOCTOR: I’m sorry. I’m really very sorry.
(ROSE nods but can’t speak. DOCTOR exits. JAMES sees ROSE crying. He tries to resist going over but finally gives in. He gets a box of tissue and takes it to her)
JAMES: A tissue for your troubles.
(ROSE takes a tissue)
ROSE: Thanks.
(ROSE blows her nose and gives the used tissue to JAMES who is a little grossed out and takes it to the trash. He uses some rubbing alcohol on his hands. He goes back and she takes more tissues)
JAMES: Something making you cry?
ROSE: Yeah, all your jokes.
JAMES: Oh… sorry about that. I have a problem. Joke disease. I can’t stop. I wish I could be a stand up comic or something. Then maybe I could use my powers for good instead of evil.
ROSE: Your jokes are evil. Pure evil.
JAMES: I know… so that’s why you’re crying?
ROSE: No.
JAMES: Come sit down. I’ll get you something to drink. Water? Coffee?
ROSE: No, it’s okay.
JAMES: How about a hug?
ROSE: No! And no jokes either.
JAMES: Want to talk about it?
ROSE: Not really.
JAMES: Well, I’m right here if you need anything.
(ROSE takes more tissue and blows her nose and gives the used ones back to JAMES, who gets a little grossed out again, takes the used tissues to the trash. He uses more rubbing alcohol. He looks at his hands and they start to shake. He clasps his hands together and forces a smile. He can’t move though. ROSE notices him. She goes over to him)
ROSE: Sorry about the tissues. Thanks though. That was nice.
(JAMES turns and struggles with the smile)
JAMES: You’re welcome. I’m happy I could help.
ROSE: Are you waiting too?
JAMES: I’ve been waiting and waiting. I’m not sure how long anymore.
ROSE: Longer than me. And I’ve been here awhile too.
(JAMES walks slowly across the room toward the ER)
JAMES: Do they ever get better?
ROSE: It doesn’t seem like it.
JAMES: You ever love someone so much that you can’t imagine your future without them?
(ROSE cries)
ROSE: Yes.
(JAMES gives her the tissues)
JAMES: I’m so sorry. I want to make things better, not worse.
(ROSE blows her nose)
ROSE: It’s okay. I’ll be okay.
(ROSE gives the used tissues to JAMES who rushes to the trash and uses the rubbing alcohol)
JAMES: You know what… there’s this quote I like… it helps me in times like this.
ROSE: It better not be a joke.
JAMES: No, no. Definitely not. It goes like this… “You can’t calm the story, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.”
ROSE: I wish I could do that.
JAMES: I realized after so many visits here, that I can’t control it or fix it or do much to stop it. The only thing I could do is change myself and be the one who helps others. There are people who need us. And we need to show them how much we need them.
ROSE: I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can come here over and over again. I’m a terrible person to think that way. But I’m not sure I’m up for this. How do you survive?
JAMES: Somehow I find the strength to fight… because I’m here for someone worth fighting for… someone who means more to me than myself… And when I can’t fly, I run. And when I can’t run, I walk. And then I can’t walk, I crawl. But whatever I do, I keep moving forward, because someone needs me. And I need them.
ROSE: That sounds like another quote.
JAMES: It was… I may have messed it up a bit, but you get the idea.
ROSE: Very dramatic and inspiring.
JAMES: Thanks.
ROSE: And you’re right. I’m here to help. Because he helps me.
JAMES: Does he know how much he helps?
ROSE: I need to tell him.
JAMES: As soon as you can, you talk to him and tell him how much he means to you.
ROSE: Thank you for your help.
JAMES: My pleasure.
ROSE: I’m going to see if the doctor will let me see him. I want to be there when he wakes up. He’s going to wake up and I want to be what he sees when he does.
(ROSE starts to go and stops. She goes to JAMES and takes the tissue box)
ROSE (cont.): And when I return and I see you again, you can tell me all the jokes you want.
JAMES: Really?
(His hands are shaking. ROSE takes his hands and holds them a moment)
ROSE: Yes, and anything else you want to talk about.
(ROSE smiles and then exits. JAMES sits, looks around. He is alone. He takes a deep breath and looks at his hands, which aren’t shaking as much now)
JAMES: “Any fool can be happy. But it takes someone with real heart to make beauty out of the stuff that makes us weep.”
END OF SCENE
Buy of a PDF of the scene from the Freedrama store.
(monologue)
JAMES: I will kiss away your tears that come from the hurt in your eyes. Tears from the hidden pain buried in words you cannot speak.
Trapped inside you...
So I will kiss away your tears and hold you close. And tell you everything will be alright.
A kiss that is the key to unlocking the secret of your soul... the lost mystery of your sadness that remains unspoken, unable to find the words, leaving only tears to speak.
END OF SCENE
(scene for 2 actors)
(OLIVIA comes rushing into the hospital waiting room. JAMES notices her. OLIVIA is screaming at her parents who remain offstage)
OLIVIA: You all hate me! You’re alway fighting me! You just want to hurt me over and over again. I’m tired of being your victim. I’m tired of your abuse. I’m not going to let you do this to me anymore.
JAMES: What’s happening? What’s going on? Are you okay?
OLIVIA: I’m so not okay. I left okay behind a long time ago.
JAMES: Please, calm down.
OLIVIA: Calm? I don’t know what that means anymore.
JAMES: Come. Sit.
OLIVIA: Sit? Give a chair. I want to break it.
JAMES: Relax.
(OLIVIA starts to feel dizzy)
OLIVIA: Relax?! Relax! Relax.
(OLIVIA is faint and JAMES guides her to a chair)
JAMES: There now. Let me see how I can help.
OLIVIA: There’s no help for the helpless. I’m lost. I just want to give in to the darkness and let it swallow me whole.
JAMES: But somehow, you still see the light. I see it in your eyes.
OLIVIA: But it hurts so bad. Everything hurts so very bad. I want it to end. I want it to be over. When will they stop doing this to me?
JAMES: I don’t know. They may never stop. Your family may never change. I want them to change. I want things to get better, but the sad reality is that some people are so lost, they may never find their way. But you know who is the one person you can change?
OLIVIA: Who?
JAMES: You.
OLIVIA: What?!
(OLIVIA gets up, some anger returning)
JAMES: There’s hope in you. There’s love in your heart. This wouldn’t hurt so much if you didn’t care.
OLIVIA: You’re saying I care too much?
JAMES: That’s what makes you better. That’s what will help you rise above their hatred: your love.
OLIVIA: I do love them. That’s why I try to help my family. Because I care about them. But they always turn it around on me.
JAMES: Then turn it back around on them, with love instead of hatred. Don’t be like them. Be the opposite of them.
OLIVIA: How can I do that?
JAMES: First, you have to forgive them.
OLIVIA: Forgive them? For all the abuse? But they aren’t even sorry.
JAMES: You can’t wait for them. You can’t expect them to change first. They should change. They need to change, but you have no control over them. They are broken, but the only person you can fix is you.
OLIVIA: Why am I the one who’s wrong?
JAMES: It’s not about who is right and who is wrong. It’s about making things better.
OLIVIA: I feel so powerless.
JAMES: It might not feel like it now, but there is still some hope in you… a small ray of light that burns within. That light fires your anger, but that light can also warm your heart.
OLIVIA: How is that possible?
JAMES: There is so much power in you. Power that can be used to hurt or to heal.
OLIVIA: I want to hurt them... hurt them like they hurt me.
JAMES: Then the hurt will live on and repeat and become a never ending cycle.
OLIVIA: Then how do I stop it?
JAMES: With love.
OLIVIA: I don’t think I can anymore. And if I do love them, they’ll just hurt me again.
JAMES: You want to find love for your future. When you begin your own life, on your own, you want to have love to share in a new home you might have one day.
OLIVIA: I know I don’t want this anymore. I can’t live like this.
JAMES: That’s why you need to slowly replace the hatred. Find little bits of love inside you.
OLIVIA: How do I do that?
JAMES: One way is to find things that make you happy. Seek out joy each day and let those happy moments grow in your heart.
OLIVIA: Do you do that?
JAMES: I do. And it is amazing how little things make a difference. Like holding the door open for someone at the store. Or making a small donation to a charity. Or leaving a nice tip at a restaurant where you get really good service. Or picking up trash. Or recycling.
(OLIVIA grins a little)
OLIVIA: Wow, a lot of things make you happy.
JAMES: Yes, all those little things do make me feel good. So I do them again. And pretty soon those become happy habits.
OLIVIA: Happy habits? That really works?
JAMES: It seems to.
OLIVIA: You do seem happier than the rest of us.
JAMES: I try.
OLIVIA: You do a good job. Thank you. Thank you for coming with me here today and thank you for putting up with all this. I don’t think I could handle this all by myself.
(OLIVIA hugs JAMES)
JAMES: You’re welcome. Let’s go to that ice cream place where they mix in all those fun toppings and make all those weird combinations. And when you tip them, they get very excited and start doing fancy tricks like trying to flip the ice cream into the cones.
(OLIVIA laughs)
OLIVIA: Sure. Might as well start some of those happy habits today.
JAMES: Excellent. Let’s go.
END OF SCENE
Buy a PDF of the scene from the Freedrama store.
(monologue)
JAMES: It's a chilly night. The freezing wind bites at every exposed part of my body. Most were huddled in a small cafe near the bus station. They seemed happy with their coffee and warmth, thankful for the unlimited refills. As I got near them, they got quiet. Puffs of smoke divided our worlds, each of us isolated in our thoughts. The cold kept me moving. As I moved further into the depths of downtown, and as I drew closer to the division, the number of bars multiplied, their neon lights almost endless. Many of the people who end up on the streets are alcoholics and there are plenty of places for them to find their old friends. The wanderers here have no place to be this night, alone and not as cheerful as the ones in the cafe. They were probably feeling the cold as I was, but I didn't live here. I could escape. This is all they had, feeling the cold's cruel caress, some shivering frightfully because they didn't even have the luxury of gloves as I did. Upon seeing me, they all would scatter, taking another street, moving to an alleyway. And when I passed, they often would watch me go by, curious, but unwilling to speak. They would turn away after I passed, often disappearing into alleys and doorways, wanting nothing more than to be forgotten.
A homeless man’s stray cat followed him like a puppy, ever anxious for the other's warmth in the wicked wind. Together they were a picture of a certain happiness and joy that I could never comprehend. The two disappeared together through a door going someplace that only they shared, a shelter of shadows. Hurt, anger, or loneliness. I could step away ... and have my coffee and hot breakfast. But they couldn't. They were trapped there, outside the smoky glass.
We live in a world where lies keep us quiet. Lies comfort us and allow us to go about our lives without worry. Why worry when we know nothing of the truth? Every wish is granted and this manufactured reality protects us from the unknown. Don’t meddle in things you don’t understand. Be thankful for what you have. Don’t let whispers of the outside world cloud your judgment.
It’s a wasteland outside these walls. These walls protect us and keep us safe. Our leaders watch over us. Always observing. They know everything about us: our every need, our every desire, our fears, our thoughts. They know us better than we know ourselves.
Our affections bought and sold on the black market of politics. Duped and dumbfounded, we feed on the news, stuffed on nuggets of nothing. Empty calories of hopes crammed down our throats, and somehow, we believe it will be different this time. Maybe this time, this one is for real. We can believe in this one, this time. But our dreams are tricked and traded in some back alley deal. Our knight in shining armor rides off with his helmet full of gold, where he retires on the lakeside, ignoring the promises sinking in the quicksand before him. His carefree smile shines over our sadness. Everything is some planned pageant, paraded before us, allowing us to participate by casting our cares into the ballot box, where they are lost forever in the endless void of politics.
I struggle to feel in control of my life. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one not in control. Everyone else seems to have a say in what I do, how I act, where I go, who I see... why I exist… I’m the one who needs to decide why… why I continue to follow the herd… why can’t I break away and go my own way?
One day, I’m going to say no. It’s getting harder and harder to say yes to everyone. I’m pushed and pulled in so many directions that one day I’m going to break. I’ll break into a million pieces and they’ll cast me aside as useless. I’m tossed to the beasts as scraps where they strip away every last bit of usefulness. Then, and only then, after there is nothing left of my past, nothing more they can take from me... maybe I’ll be able to be me again.
In weakness, we find strength. The walls must crumble before we advance. “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” We can’t let the darkness find us as we seek out the light.
True strength comes from loss. The only reason I know a good life now, is from the pain of my past. I was ruined from within and stripped to my final shreds of life. But I was given a second chance to live again, to rise up and be reborn. Burned pure by the fire, I rise on the wings of my second soul.
Don’t bother with fantasies of what was and what could be. That’s not important anymore. What’s important is that we have each other and we have everything we need to live. We don’t need anything else.
“Where there is injury, let me heal.
Where there is hatred, let me bring love.
Where there is doubt, I will share my faith.
Where there is despair, I will offer hope.
Where there is darkness, I share the light.
Where there is sadness, I give joy.
To give comfort to those who need comfort.
To understand those who are not understood.
To love as much as I can love.
To give more than I receive.
To forgive more than I am forgiven.
And in dying we are born to eternal life.”
Watching the world from above
Floating above the clouds
Billions of voices are merely whispers now
Everything is so small
Problems too far away to see
Spinning, spinning, lost in the clouds
The details of life, forgotten and turning away
Turning a blind eye to the worries of the world
Peaceful and silent in the nothingness of space
Floating calmly above the storm
END OF PLAY
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