Spy School
By D. M. Larson
(5 minute short comedy play)
Cast of Characters (12)
POND: Professor
SPYCIE: Spy student who likes attention
BRICK: Dumb, strong spy
SLICK: Very sure of self - very confident
SNEAKUM: Enthusiastic and upbeat
BOOM: Loud excited student
SLY: Sneaky
EENY, MEENY, MINY, and MOE: Assistants to POND
SPECTRE: A master of disguise
SCENE
(Classroom full of spy students on R wearing various silly spy outfits. POND enters L and steps up to table on L side of stage)
POND: Hello, students. I am Pond, Professor Pond.
SPYCIE: Hello, Professor Pond.
POND: I’m assigned to administer your final exam.
BRICK: The exam is today?!
POND: I am here to do a practice session to help prepare you for the exam.
SLICK: Aw, but I’m ready to pass this test. Let’s do it now.
POND: I will provide one of you with an opportunity to pass today though.
SNEAKUM: This is exciting. What do we do?
POND: In my hand I have a piggy bank. In this piggy bank, I will place a secret message. Whoever can retrieve this message undetected will not need to take the final exam and will pass the course with an A plus.
(POND sets out a piggy bank on table left. Students are excited. Actor should make it look like note goes inside piggy bank but actually does not)
BOOM: That’s awesome!
(SLY sneaks up to the table behind POND. POND spins and does a karate chop and knocks out SLY)
POND: It won’t be that easy. I am a master spy.
SPYCIE: That was amazing. Great karate shop.
(SLY wakes up)
SLY: What happened?
SLICK: You got pwned by Pond.
(SLICK and BRICK high five at the joke. SNEAKUM helps SLY back to seat)
SNEAKUM: Nice try, Sly.
SLY: Had to give it a shot.
(POND looks around)
POND: I see everyone is here except Spectre. Anyone know where Spectre is?
SPYCIE: Nope. Not here.
(POND pulls out a large photo and holds it up for a second)
POND: Who can tell me what color bow the chihuahua was wearing?
BRICK: Can you show it again?
POND: No.
SLICK: I believe the bow was pink.
POND: Correct.
SPYCIE: Wow, Sly, Well done.
(POND motions for three spies EENY, MEENY, MINY, and MOE, to enter and they stand in a line up. EENY is close to the piggy bank)
POND: Which one of these spies was following you yesterday?
BRICK: I was being followed?
SLY: Why are you here?
BRICK: Huh? When are you here?
SLY: Never mind.
SNEAKUM: It was Moe. That squeaky shoe is a dead giveaway.
POND: Correct. They will now blink a secret message.
(EENY, MEENY, MINY, and MOE start blinking furiously)
POND: And the message?
SPYCIE: Professor Pond is an awesome superspy.
POND: Correct. Now for a hand to hand combat review.
(EENY, MEENY, MINY, and MOE get in fighting positions. BRICK jumps up and yells and charges. MEENY, MINY and MOE run out with BRICK following them off L. EENY dodges. Yelling and crashing offstage. Everyone watches and reacts. BRICK returns)
BRICK: I got them.
BOOM: Way to go, Brick!
POND: Well done. I’m glad we have a good medical plan. Can you assist with the wounded, please?
(POND sends EENY off stage L)
SNEAKUM: What’s next?
POND: Perhaps we should go out and practice some first aid on our guest spies.
(BRICK laughs)
BRICK: I did that.
(Everyone exits left and EENY enters L)
EENY: So, do I pass?
POND: Excuse me?
(EENY pulls off disguise and it is SPECTRE)
SPECTRE: It is I, Spectre.
POND: Very good! I’m impressed with your disguise.
SPECTRE: And I have the note from the piggy bank.
(SPECTRE shows note. POND looks in piggy bank and it is empty)
POND: Well done! I’m impressed. Did you read the message yet?
SPECTRE: It’s a very challenging code. Let’s see… “This message…”
POND: Correct.
SPECTRE: Will…
POND: Yes.
SPECTRE: Self…
POND: Uh-huh.
SPECTRE: Destruct!
POND: Right!
(SPECTRE tries to drop it but it is stuck to his hand)
SPECTRE: It’s stuck!
POND: When you say the word, destruct, a sticky substance activates.
SPECTRE: How do I get out of it?
POND: Pop quiz! Figure it out.
SPECTRE: Aw!
(SPECTRE runs off R. There is an explosion)
POND: So close to a perfect score. We have another first aid task over here everyone!
END OF SCENE
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