"Make Me A Vampire" short comedy play for 4 actors about a human who wants to be a vampire
“MAKE ME A VAMPIRE”
D. M. Larson
(4 actors any gender)
(Lights come up on the Office of Vampire Venture Inc., an office of vampires in a world that is controlled by them. AMBROSE sits at the front entrance of the office building serving as a greeter. Various vampires come and go. AMBROSE acknowledges them each with a friendly and wave of the hand. Suddenly, AMBROSE smells something terrible and walks around for a better look. A human named RANDY enters. The smell gets worse and AMBROSE realizes it is RANDY and stops him)
May I help you?
I know you guys at Vampire Venture Inc. were the best of the best when it came to hunting down humans. I bet your group converting half of humanity to being vampires.
We successfully transformed 51.9% of humanity into vampires.
Slightly more than half. Most impressive.
Sir, I’m afraid, I must ask you to leave. This is no place for humans… of your type.
My type? Oh! That’s why I’m here. I know that normally you vamps avoid my kind, but I really want to become a vampire.
You WANT to become one?
It’s getting pretty lonely with most of humanity being undead. And once people are one of you, then they want nothing to do with me.
It’s the smell. It’s… unbearable.
Ambrose, what is that terrible smell?
Our visitor. I’m attempting to remove him.
Do so, post haste. He’s smelling up the entire lobby.
(LUCIEN starts to go but RANDY follows. AMBROSE looks very sick and exits)
Please, wait. I need your help. I want to become a vampire.
Sorry, we don’t deal with your kind. No one does.
There must be someone willing to convert me. It’s that what your entire organization is built on. You’re the best.
No one here will be willing to touch someone with your blood type. “B” I assume, by the stench.
That’s even worse. “O” is a delicacy that vampires crave the most. “A” is good. A fine blood type we all can enjoy. “AB” is tolerable. It’s mixed with B but A is strong enough to make it drinkable. But “B” - it is the absolute worst. “B” positive is bad enough. It smells like a skunk peeling onions at a sewage processing plant. But “B” negative… It’s a rare and horrific smell… I can’t even imagine what the taste must be. Simply horrendous, I’m sure.
But there has to be someone who can help me. Maybe you have a new recruit you could force to do it, or maybe there’s some initiation you want to do that involves drinking the worse blood ever, or maybe you do a new reality tv show and one of the horrible tasks they have to perform, or drinking my blood could be a practical joke…
A joke on someone I despise.
There is no one I dislike that much. Please vacate the premises or I will have you forcibly removed.
(LUCIEN snaps his fingers and AMBROSE returns and goes up to RANDY to grab him, but looks sick again and has to run off. LUCIEN starts to leave)
Please, I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to be a part of society again. Let me live forever like the rest of you.
(RANDY grabs him and LUCIEN looks ill and exits)
I’m not leaving until someone turns me into a bloodsucker!
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