Kiss Me, I'm Irish

by D. M. Larson

St. Patrick's Day

INT. Classroom. Day.

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There is an empty classroom with a table center with three chairs. A board or bulletin board says Happy St. Patrick's Day. Irish girl walks in and sits at the first chair.  She has a "Kiss Me I'm Irish" shirt on and maybe a cute little green hat.  She settles in with her book, notebook and pencil and looks around for cute guys when she is ready for class.  Scottish girl walks in and has a sour look on her face.  She sees Irish girl and gets an annoyed look.  She sits two chairs down from her.  She has on a shirt that says "Don't Kiss Me, I'm Scottish." 

After a few moments:

SCOTTISH

I hate St. Patrick's Day.

Irish girl looks at Scottish girl surprised.

IRISH

How come?

SCOTTISH

All the stupid shirts, wearing green, the green beer... so disgusting.  It makes a mockery of the true meaning of the holiday.

Irish girl gets a very confused look on her face.

IRISH

What is the true meaning of St. Patrick's Day?

SCOTTISH

See!

Irish girl looks around even more confused.  Cute guy walks in and sits between them.  Irish girl is all happy and gives him a big smile and tries to make sure he can see her shirt.  Scottish girl crosses her arms.

GUY

Hey ladies.  How you are you this fine St. Patrick's Day?

Irish girl giggles and Scottish girl rolls her eyes.

IRISH

I'm Irish.

She giggles more and he leans in.

GUY

Does that mean I should kiss you?

She giggles even more.  Guy turns to Scottish girl. 

GUY (CONT.)

What's your shirt say?

Scottish girl puts down her arms.

GUY (Cont.)

Don't kiss me I'm Scottish.  That's funny. 

Guy takes off his glasses, turns up the smolder.  Scottish girl gets nervous.

GUY (CONT.)

So you don't want me to kiss you huh?

Scottish is nervous and unconvincing.

SCOTTISH

No.

He leans in more, but then Italian rushes in.

ITALIAN

What are you doing?

Guy sits up.

GUY

What? Huh? Nothing.

ITALIAN

I saw the way you were looking at her.

GUY

No, I just needed a pencil.

ITALIAN

Get over here...

She points off left.

ITALIAN (CONT.)

Now!

Guy jumps up and rushes off with her following.  Irish and Scottish watch off left.

GUY (OFF)

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Irish and Scottish look at each other.

IRISH AND SCOTTISH

Italian.

IRISH

She's definitely Italian.

THE END

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From the play "The Weird, Wild and Wonderful Days of School"

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