Telling Tales of Christmas
By D. M. Larson
SANTA’S SECRET SUMMER HIDEAWAY
(12-30 actors)
PAT: Sibling of ROBIN who can be a little cranky.
ROBIN: Sibling of PAT who loves a good deal and jokes around a lot.
MASTER: The owner of the Dine and Dream Christmas themed hotel who dresses like Santa Claus.
SERVANT: A creepy elf.
YOUNG PAT: Pat as a kid. Mad older sibling of ZOEY.
YOUNG ROBIN: Robin as a kid. Nicer sibling of ZOEY.
**ZOEY: A young turkey thief.
**LILY: Neighbor of siblings.
**SARGE: Christmas bell ringer looking for donations.
**CASEY: A crazy Christmas shopper.
**ALEX: Angry Christmas shopper.
**NURSE: Assigned to care for ROBIN.
*TECH1: A very robotic sounding tech support person.
*TECH2: A lively tech support robot with an accent.
*TECH3: Isabelle is another computer, but sounds more human.
LEO: A boy who wants to spend more time with his family who lost the spirit of Christmas.
ST NIC: The famous Saint Nicholas in a more old fashioned saintly version of the well known figure. (can be played by MASTER)
**DAD: Leo’s father who loves watching sports.
**MOM: Leo’s mom who spends her time planning parties and activities with her friends.
**SIS: Leo’s sister who loves shopping.
**WINNY: Social media influencer
**PAUL: A guy who likes food and is allergic to unicorns
**BOPPY: Actor in dog costume
**UNICORN: Actor in unicorn costume
**RUDOLF: Actor in Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer costume
SANTA: Santa claus (can be played by MASTER)
**JANE: A corporal in the Army.
**PENNY: Young sibling of Jane
**FATHER: HARPER’S father who is in jail.
**HARPER: A teen who loves to sing and misses her FATHER.
*The TECH actors can be on stage under a spotlight or offstage. These can also be played by the same actor. TECH 1-3 can also be recordings.
**These characters can be doubled and played by actors from other scenes
(Lights come up on a Bed and Breakfast. But it is a most unusual BnB. It is Santa’s Summer BnB. The decor is filled with Christmas decorations. A strange SERVANT who dresses in an elf costume sneaks around the room. Suddenly the front door opens and SERVANT hides. PAT and ROBIN enter)
PAT: Where are we?
ROBIN: My map app says Las Vegas.
PAT: This is not Las Vegas.
ROBIN: It kind of looks like a theme hotel. Is there a Christmas themed hotel?
PAT: I told you not to download that free map app.
ROBIN: But it was free and has a cool looking icon.
PAT: And now your phone doesn’t work right anymore. It got us really lost.
ROBIN: But look at this place. It’s really interesting.
PAT: Interesting is a word. And it’s not quite the right word for this place.
ROBIN: We might have found a diamond in the rough.
PAT: We found the rough. Waiting for the diamond.
(SERVANT emerges)
PAT: There it is.
ROBIN: Uh… hi…
SERVANT: Visitors… I must tell the Master we have visitors.
PAT: The Master? Is it like the front desk guy or something?
SERVANT: The Master is all… he is… the Master.
PAT: The Master of what?
SERVANT: Of the North Pole!
ROBIN: North Pole? We are really lost.
SERVANT: This is Santa’s Secret Summer Hideaway. A paradise for those who never want Christmas to end.
PAT: Do people really want this much Christmas?
(SERVANT comes at him angrily)
SERVANT: We do! And you should too! The master demands it.
(SERVANT calms down)
SERVANT (CONT.): He is the great Master of Christmas.
ROBIN: Santa.
SERVANT: Yes! He is very famous.
PAT: Quite famous. Well, it was nice meeting you… but we still have a long way to go. Just point us the right way for Vegas.
SERVANT: But it is getting late… and the Master has been expecting you.
ROBIN: Expecting us?
SERVANT: He said guests were coming today… He is so wise and wonderful. He foresaw your arrival.
PAT: Maybe the expected ones are right behind us. We just stopped for directions.
(SERVANT blocks their way)
SERVANT: It is your destiny to be here. There are no others.
ROBIN: Looks like there haven’t been any others for a long time.
SERVANT: Yes, a very long time.
PAT: This looks like a very pleasant place and the theme is to die for, but we really must be going. I have a date with a hot tub.
SERVANT: I can make a hot bath for you while you wait for the Master. Boiling hot. The hottest. So hot it peels the outmost layer of your skin. You’ll feel reborn.
ROBIN: Oh, that sounds lovely.
(SERVANT locks the door and starts to go)
PAT: You distract him and I’ll make a run for it.
ROBIN: Then how do I escape?
PAT: I’ll go get help.
ROBIN: Thanks… you’re a real hero.
(ROBIN holds up phone)
ROBIN (CONT.): When did our phones last get some reception?
PAT: About 15 miles ago I think.
ROBIN: Grab a giant candy cane or something and we’ll fight our way out.
(PAT and ROBIN go for large things to fight with. MASTER enters with SERVANT and sees them wielding giant candy canes or something similar)
MASTER: Ho! Ho! Ho! I see you’re in the Christmas spirit already!
(SERVANT is excited)
SERVANT: It’s the Master! The Master is here! The Master is in the house!
MASTER: So you have discovered Santa’s little secret summer hideaway?
PAT: Only by mistake. Big misunderstanding. We’ll go now. Bye bye.
MASTER: You must stay and live in eternal Christmas. As my guests.
ROBIN: See we have reservations already in Vegas…
MASTER: Nonsense! You will stay here, with me, at the finest Christmas themed establishment ever conceived!
PAT: Finest?
MASTER: Yes, it is one of a kind! We are the best!
ROBIN: Hard to duplicate this kind of uniqueness.
MASTER: I will have my servant prepare your rooms.
PAT: That’s not necessary.
MASTER: You will stay! Or you will pay!
ROBIN: What?
SERVANT: The first night is free of charge. Unless you leave early, then you will have to pay.
MASTER: Survive one night with me and then it is free.
PAT: That’s the worst freebie I’ve ever been offered I think.
ROBIN: So we get a free night if we don’t leave?
MASTER: Correct!
ROBIN: It’s worth a shot.
PAT: What?
ROBIN: I’m on a limited budget. A free night would be nice.
PAT: What’s the catch?
MASTER: You must survive a night of playing my Santa Sleighing game.
ROBIN: Slaying?
PAT: Slay… like… kill?
MASTER: No! Ho! Ho! Ho!
(SERVANT and MASTER laugh)
SERVANT: Like a one horse open sleigh.
MASTER: And dashing through the snow.
SERVANT: Jingling all the way.
(SERVANT and MASTER laugh again)
ROBIN: But we’ve never played the Santa Sleighing game before.
MASTER: What?! This is blasphemy.
(MASTER starts hitting SERVANT with a candy cane)
SERVANT: I’m so sorry, Master.
MASTER: You told me everyone knew about this game. How dare you bring me Noobs!
(PAT and ROBIN stop the MASTER)
PAT: Wait, wait. We’ve played. Remember we played the Santa sleighing game a long time ago.
ROBIN: Oh, that’s right.
PAT: See, we’ve been playing for like ten years.
ROBIN: That’s a very long time.
MASTER: Indeed. You must be excellent players.
PAT: We’re the best.
MASTER: Then let the games begin!
(MASTER exits. PAT helps SERVANT)
PAT: You okay?
(SERVANT nods)
SERVANT: The Master is a kind and good Master. He takes good care of me and allows me to serve him.
ROBIN: How nice for the Master.
PAT: What do we do now?
SERVANT: Dinner is first.
ROBIN: Dinner? I thought this was a bed and breakfast.
SERVANT: We serve dinner instead of breakfast. Think of it as a dine and doze. I must go prepare it for you.
PAT: Wash your hands first.
(SERVANT looks at his filthy hands)
SERVANT: Master says I must never wash these. They are special hands.
(SERVANT sniffles and wipes his nose with his hand and exits)
ROBIN: I wonder if the dinner is free?
PAT: You’re going to eat it?
ROBIN: I never turn down a free meal.
PAT: Your stomach might turn it down though.
(MASTER enters with 20 sided dice)
MASTER: Welcome players to your evening dining experience. A complete adventure meal guided by yours truly, the Master of Christmas. Enter players and face your fates!
(SERVANT urges PAT and ROBIN to sit)
MASTER (CONT.): Close your eyes and use your imagination as we begin our Christmas tale.
(PAT and ROBIN look at each other confused. SERVANT yells at them)
SERVANT: Close your eyes!
(PAT does. ROBIN covers eyes with hand but peeks through hand)
MASTER: We will start our adventure by entering a Christmas cavern. You approach a light flickering in the distance. There you see little waterfalls that line the cavern wall. A mysterious voice rings out, “Drink! And be made wiser! Drink! And be made stronger! Drink! Or you’ll be cast out from this magical realm… forever!” You fill your goblets with the mysterious waters. But which one will you choose?
(SERVANT enters with a tray of goblets)
MASTER (CONT.): One goblet is a magical Christmas brew.
PAT: Looks like soda pop.
MASTER: These are not drinks for the faint of heart. Be wary of their magical gifts. Some will bring you great power! While others may curse you.
ROBIN: A lot of energy drinks are like that.
MASTER: Next there is reindeer blood.
PAT: Looks like tomato juice.
ROBIN: Or fruit punch.
MASTER: Cast your die. And see which goblet you will choose.
PAT: Huh?
SERVANT: Roll the dice.
ROBIN: It’s like a board game…. without the board.
PAT: Whatever.
(PAT rolls. SERVANT sighs)
PAT (CONT.): Look. I’m number one.
MASTER: You receive Elf Spit.
ROBIN: Looks like water.
PAT: A bit cloudy for water. I hope it’s not real spit.
MASTER: This drink gives you negative two confusion.
PAT: Huh?
MASTER: See! It’s working already.
(MASTER turns to ROBIN)
MASTER (CONT.): Now, you roll.
(ROBIN rolls)
ROBIN: I got a 20!
MASTER: You get the most special drink of all. Snowman tears.
ROBIN: In a frosted mug. Perfect thing for a hot summer day.
(ROBIN drinks it)
PAT: How is it?
ROBIN: Chilly. You should try it.
SERVANT: No sharing!
PAT: Where’s your Christmas spirit?
MASTER: Ho! Ho! No Sharing!
SERVANT: Master has spoken.
MASTER: Bring forth the appetizers!
SERVANT: Yes, Master.
(SERVANT goes and gets another tray)
MASTER: Our adventure continues! The warriors find a secret passage and lead the way into another chamber. It is a treasure chamber! There are Rings of Power!
PAT: Looks like onion rings.
MASTER: The Shield of Tijuana.
ROBIN: Tortillas with cheese.
MASTER: Cast your die! And see which treasure you receive.
(ROBIN rolls)
ROBIN: We rolled a 2.
MASTER: You receive the plague!
PAT: Oh, great.
(SERVANT gives them a bowl)
ROBIN: Grasshoppers?!
SERVANT: In some countries, they’re a delicacy.
PAT: Can I trade for the onion rings?
MASTER: There will be no trading! Your fate is destined. Ready yourselves… for you hear a mighty roar from the caverns below. You hear mighty claws scratching the rock walls and it climbs toward you at lightning speed. The beast bursts into the room. It’s the Bedazzled Beast of Baramouthe.
(SERVANT brings in a large covered dish and growls and pretends like it is a monster)
PAT: Whatever it is, it smells good.
ROBIN: Anything will be better than grasshoppers.
PAT: Oh man. I rolled a 1 again.
(MASTER laughs)
MASTER: Then you only get the bones.
(SERVANT gives them bones)
ROBIN: Better than nothing.
(ROBIN chews on the bones)
PAT: That smelled really good. Can I roll again?
MASTER: No! Only the strongest survive.
PAT: I’m not sure you’re going to survive this evening, buddy.
MASTER: Time for dessert.
PAT: Make a good roll.
MASTER: Cast your die!
ROBIN: Lookie there. I got a 20!
MASTER: You will receive the most decadent of desserts.
PAT: It’s about time! Bring it on!
(SERVERS bring out two covered dishes)
MASTER: Chilled Goblin Brains.
PAT: It looks like real brains.
ROBIN: I lost my appetite.
PAT: Can I trade for some of that roast beast?
MASTER: Ho! Ho! No trading!
SERVANT: Could be worse. If you rolled a 1 you would get yellow snow.
PAT: I really want that roast beast.
MASTER: You will now roll and see where you will sleep tonight… the tower! Or the royal suite! Or the dungeon!
ROBIN: Can we each roll and get our own rooms? That will increase our chances of getting something good.
PAT: I’m sleeping in the car.
ROBIN: Oh dear. I rolled a 1.
MASTER: You get the dungeon!
ROBIN: That’s okay. I’ll sleep in the car too.
MASTER: Prepare the iron maiden.
ROBIN: That’s not necessary. Bye bye.
(ROBIN and PAT try to go but SERVANT stops them with giant candy cane)
MASTER: There is only one way to escape your fate.
PAT: What’s that?
MASTER: Tell me a good story.
ROBIN: We have some good stories, but it would go a lot better if we have some of that roast beast.
MASTER: Fine. You earn a slice of roast beast for each tale you tell.
ROBIN: We have a lot of stories.
MASTER: And I have a lot of roast beast. But if you tell a bad story, you get the Iron Maiden.
SERVANT: I will tell a bad tale. I love the Iron Maiden.
(SERVANT gives ROBIN and PAT some roast beast)
PAT: This is so good.
ROBIN: This is the juiciest beast I’ve ever eaten.
MASTER: Now tell your tales.
PAT: What about the one when we kids and doing that song writing contest?
ROBIN: How about the one where our sister stole the turkey? Oh, wait. That was Thanksgiving.
MASTER: Close enough. You may tell it.
PAT: And there are great Black Friday stories we could tell.
MASTER: Tell them all! And in return I will tell you tales of unicorns, reindeer and Saint Nic.
ROBIN: Aren’t you Saint Nic?
SERVANT: How dare you?
MASTER: I’m not the original. I do come from a long line of Kris Kringles who carry on the tradition of Saint Nicolas and spread joy to children at Christmas time.
PAT: By putting them in iron maidens?
MASTER: Take away the roast beast!
SERVANT: Gladly master!
ROBIN: Way to go. You had to make a joke didn’t you?
PAT: I couldn’t resist pointing out the irony.
MASTER: Tell me a tale and your dinner will be returned to you.
ROBIN: Then let’s begin. You better have a lot of roast beast because we have a lot of stories.
END OF SCENE
A comedy skit for 2 actors
By D. M. Larson
(YOUNG ROBIN is trying to sing)
YOUNG ROBIN: This is my song. This is my song! THIS IS MY SONG!
YOUNG PAT: What are you doing?
YOUNG ROBIN: Trying to make up a song. Make up a song! MAKE UP A SONG!
YOUNG PAT: Why?
YOUNG ROBIN: There’s this contest to write a Christmas song. And I want to win. Want to win! WANT TO WIN!
YOUNG PAT: What’s the prize?
YOUNG ROBIN: A prize? You think I’m doing this merely to win some prize? I do this for the art of song. I do this for the joy of singing. I do this to brighten the world through song.
YOUNG PAT: No, seriously. What’s the prize?
YOUNG ROBIN: There might be a cash prize… and a trip… and a television appearance.
YOUNG PAT: I see.
YOUNG ROBIN: But that’s not important. It’s about the music.
YOUNG PAT: But the prize helps.
YOUNG ROBIN: Are you going to help me or not?
YOUNG PAT: Fine. But have you ever written a song?
YOUNG ROBIN: How hard can it be? I’m always singing. I’m alway listening to music. I was made to make music.
YOUNG PAT: Well, it’s probably important to pick a topic for the song.
YOUNG ROBIN: A topic… hmmm.
YOUNG PAT: Maybe you can sing about something you like for Christmas?
(YOUNG ROBIN tries singing)
YOUNG ROBIN: I would like a Christmas puppy. Puppies are so very very cute.
(YOUNG ROBIN stops singing)
YOUNG ROBIN: What rhymes with puppy?
YOUNG PAT: Duppy, buppy…
YOUNG ROBIN: What are duppies and buppies?
YOUNG PAT: Yuppies!
(YOUNG ROBIN sings)
YOUNG ROBIN: I would like a Christmas puppy. Puppies are so very very cute. I would share them with the yuppies. Their sweetness is something you can’t refute.
YOUNG PAT: Not bad.
YOUNG ROBIN: What are yuppies anyway?
YOUNG PAT: Young urban professionals.
YOUNG ROBIN: I still don’t know what that is.
YOUNG PAT: Maybe the song should be about dogs.
(YOUNG ROBIN sings)
YOUNG ROBIN: This Christmas I would like a puppy dog. Puppies are so very very cute. A dog is better than a smelly hog. This is something you can’t refute.
(YOUNG PAT laughs)
YOUNG PAT: Not bad.
YOUNG ROBIN: Thank you.
YOUNG PAT: You’re welcome.
YOUNG ROBIN: I’m glad you like it.
YOUNG PAT: I’m glad you’re glad.
YOUNG ROBIN: I’m so glad that you’re glad that I’m glad.
YOUNG PAT: Do you think you’ll win?
YOUNG ROBIN: It’s not about the winning.
YOUNG PAT: Oh, that’s right. It’s about the music.
YOUNG ROBIN: Correct-a-mundo.
(They sing together and exit)
YOUNG ROBIN and YOUNG PAT (together): This Christmas I would like a puppy dog. Puppies are so very very cute. A dog is better than a smelly hog. This is something you can’t refute.
END OF SCENE
(Sneaky music plays. ZOEY sneaks onto stage with a large covered tray - possibly aluminum foil covering something turkey shaped. She has cooking hotpads on her hands. She sneaks across the stage to the music. When she reaches the other end of the stage, YOUNG PAT appears and looks angry)
YOUNG PAT: What are you doing with our turkey?!
ZOEY: Eeep!
(ZOEY runs off stage in another direction)
YOUNG PAT: Come back here!
(YOUNG PAT runs after ZOEY. Music can become something dramatic for a chase scene like Korsakov’s Flight of the Bumblebee. YOUNG PAT is tired and out of breath and stops. ZOEY has gotten away. YOUNG ROBIN enters and goes up to YOUNG PAT)
YOUNG ROBIN: Are you okay?
(YOUNG PAT speaks but is still out of breath)
YOUNG PAT: No… Zoey… turkey…
YOUNG ROBIN: I thought Zoey didn’t like eating turkey?
YOUNG PAT: She doesn’t. And she took the turkey!
YOUNG ROBIN: What?
YOUNG PAT: Gone. All that wonderful turkey gone. “gone, all gone! No turkey! No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey Hash! Turkey a la King! Or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, ALL GONE!”
YOUNG ROBIN: I know she doesn’t like eating animals and all, but why would she do that to the rest of us. And on Thanksgiving too. We have to tell Mom and Dad about this.
YOUNG PAT: She is going to be in so much trouble!
YOUNG ROBIN: There she is!
(ZOEY has entered without the turkey and stops when they spot her. They surround her. She tries to escape but they get her)
YOUNG PAT: What did you do with the turkey?
YOUNG ROBIN: We can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey.
ZOEY: We can make veggie loaf and make it taste like turkey. I found this great recipe.
YOUNG PAT: No! We want real, gobble, gobble, good turkey.
YOUNG ROBIN: Zoey. I know you don’t like to eat meat, but that’s not fair to punish the rest of us.
ZOEY: I’m sorry.
YOUNG PAT: I’ll forgive you if you can tell me where you put the turkey. And please, please, please tell me you didn’t throw it in the garbage.
ZOEY: I didn’t throw it in the garbage.
YOUNG ROBIN: Then what did you do with it?
ZOEY: I don’t want to say, because I don’t want to go ask for it back again.
YOUNG PAT: Too bad. You can’t give away our turkey. I’m going to tell mom and dad!
(YOUNG PAT exits)
YOUNG ROBIN: Come on, Zoey. Tell me what you did and we can keep you from getting in trouble.
ZOEY: I can’t. I don’t want to get anyone else in trouble. They’ve had enough trouble already. I just wanted to do something nice.
YOUNG ROBIN: I don’t know what you’re talking about Zoey.
(LILY enters)
LILY: Oh, there you are, Zoey.
(ZOEY gasps and runs)
LILY (CONT.): Wait! I want to talk to you!
(ZOEY is gone)
YOUNG ROBIN: What’s going on, Lily?
LILY: I just wanted to thank Lily for giving us a turkey.
YOUNG ROBIN: She gave your family a turkey?
LILY: Yes, it was so wonderful. Did you know about it?
YOUNG ROBIN: No.
(YOUNG PAT comes back)
YOUNG PAT: Where is Zoey? Mom and dad want to have a talk with her.
LILY: I wanted to talk to her too.
YOUNG PAT: What did she do to you?
LILY: She did the most perfect thing for us, something we really needed today. She gave us something to be thankful for. Your parents must have sent her with an extra turkey that the rest of you didn’t know about. It was such an amazing surprise. That turkey made my parents so happy. All we could afford this year was one of those weird frozen boxed turkey things and there was only a tiny piece for each of us. It has been so hard since my parents lost their jobs. First dad and now mom too. It’s been a terrible year for us and we didn’t have much to be thankful for, until she brought us that turkey. This is the happiest we’ve been all year. We can have a happy Thanksgiving after all.
YOUNG PAT: But Zoey...
(YOUNG ROBIN stops YOUNG PAT)
YOUNG ROBIN: But Zoey forgot to bring the stuffing... and the cranberry sauce… and fresh baked bread. We’ll bring that right over.
YOUNG PAT: The fresh baked bread too?
YOUNG ROBIN: And the pie!
LILY: Really?
YOUNG PAT: Are you sure?
YOUNG ROBIN: Yes! Come on, Pat. Let’s help Zoey get the rest of that food for Lily’s family.
LILY: My parents will be so happy. Thank you all so much. I better go back home and tell everyone. This is the best Thanksgiving ever.
(LILY gives them both hugs and exits)
YOUNG PAT: Are you nuts, Robin?
YOUNG ROBIN: They’ve lost everything. I’ve even heard mom and dad talk about how they might lose their house too.
YOUNG PAT: That’s terrible.
YOUNG ROBIN: Zoey was just trying to help.
YOUNG PAT: I wish I’d thought of it. Let’s go home and give Zoey a big hug.
YOUNG ROBIN: Good idea. Let’s hurry. We have the rest of the Thanksgiving dinner to deliver.
YOUNG PAT: You don’t think mom and dad will mind.
YOUNG ROBIN: When we tell them what Zoey did, I bet they’ll help take the food over with us.
YOUNG PAT: I bet you’re right. Except for the pumpkin pie. Dad loves pumpkin pie.
YOUNG ROBIN: So do you.
YOUNG PAT: Can’t we keep a little pumpkin pie?
(ZOEY appears with more food)
ZOEY: Oh, no.
YOUNG PAT: Oh, yes.
YOUNG ROBIN: We know what you did, Zoey.
ZOEY: You do?
YOUNG ROBIN: And we’re proud of you.
ZOEY: You are?
YOUNG PAT: And we’re going to help you take the rest of the food over there.
ZOEY: Really?
YOUNG ROBIN: But let’s tell mom and dad. And I bet they help.
ZOEY: Okay.
(YOUNG PAT looks at what ZOEY is holding)
YOUNG PAT: That’s not the pumpkin pie is it?
YOUNG ROBIN: Let’s go do some good.
END OF SCENE
(People are waiting in line outside the Pear Electronics store. A Salvation Army worker SARGE sets up his bucket and starts ringing his bell. CASEY is second in line behind ALEX and in front of PAT. More actors are lined up behind them if available. NOTE: Some of PAT’s lines can be given to the other actors in line if there are more. All parts can be played by males or females. CASEY is annoyed at the bell ringing)
CASEY: Really? You have to set up your bucket here? We’re stuck here okay? We can’t get away from your bell? This is crazy. Am I right about this?
(Everyone ignores him)
CASEY (CONT.): What if I make a big donation? Will you go away?
(SARGE shrugs. CASEY turns away from SARGE and writes something on a piece of paper. He goes over to the SARGE and puts it in his bucket).
CASEY (CONT.): There! Big donation! Now clear out.
(SARGE looks down happy but then frowns when he finds a piece of paper)
SARGE: This is an IOU.
CASEY: I’m good for it.
(CASEY goes back to line but PAT and ALEX won’t let him back in)
CASEY (CONT.): Hey! This is my spot!
PAT: You stepped out of line. You lost your place.
CASEY: I was over there. That’s like two steps away.
PAT: Too bad. End of the line, loser.
CASEY: Loser?! Get out of my way! I’ve been waiting here for 12 hours! I’m not going to lose my spot!
(CASEY and PAT fight for the spot in line. If there are more actors, then they can join in the fight)
PAT: No way am I letting you back in. You don’t deserve it.
CASEY: Only the first 10 in line get the special deal! I have to be in the first ten… And the first hundred get the not so special deal! But it’s still a deal! I want that deal too… there are over 100 people back there.
PAT: Then make like a Dalmation and be 101!
(CASEY and PAT fight over spot in line. Others in line can join in if additional actors are available. MANAGER MOE rushes out of store. ALEX sneaks in when door opens. MANAGER gets in the middle of the fight)
MANAGER MOE: Break it up! I know these sales are good, but you have to control yourselves! It’s back of the line for both of you if you don’t stop… now!
(MANAGER MOE grabs them by the ears. CASEY and PAT stop fighting - others do too if there are more actors)
MANAGER MOE (CONT.): Thank you. I appreciate your dedication to good deals. We want this sale to be as peaceful as possible.
PAT: He cut in line.
CASEY: I did not. I’ve been here for 18 hours.
MANAGER MOE: I did see him here.
PAT: Fine. Whatever. Get back in line.
MANAGER MOE: I appreciate your good will. After all, this is a Christmas sale. Cha-ching!
(MANAGER MOE goes inside)
PAT: Did he just say Cha-ching? Like a cash register? What happened to Merry Christmas?
CASEY: Don't bother me… I’m busy… thinking.
PAT: I’m so pushing you down when that door opens and crushing you under my feet.
CASEY: Ho, ho, ho.
(SARGE is ringing his bell again. CASEY is mad and goes over and takes the bell and throws it off stage. SARGE gives a hurt look and walks off stage. CASEY comes back to the line)
PAT: You stepped out of line again.
CASEY: Really? We’re going to do this again?
PAT: Game on.
CASEY: They’re opening the doors!
(PAT pushes CASEY to the ground and stands on him. MANAGER MOE comes out and ALEX exits with two big bags)
MANAGER MOE: Sorry everyone. We’re out of iPids already.
PAT: What?!
CASEY: But that’s what we were here for?
MANAGER MOE: This shopper here bought them all. Paid full price.
PAT: All of them?!
CASEY: Full price?!
PAT: Oh, I see. Then you turn around and sell them for double the price.
CASEY: I waited 24 hours for an iPid! I have to have one! I’ll give you 1000 for one.
(If there are more actors in the line, then the bidding can be divided up)
PAT: I’ll give you 2000!
CASEY: 3000!
PAT: 4000!
CASEY: 5000!
PAT: 6000!
CASEY: 10000! Going once… going twice… sold!
(ALEX takes out one of the tiny packages. An iPid is super small and hard to see)
ALEX: You appear to be the high bidder.
CASEY: Do you take IOUs?
ALEX: I do not.
(ALEX takes out a hammer or bat and smashes the iPid)
CASEY, PAT AND EVERYONE ELSE IN LINE: No!!!
ALEX: So this what this holiday is about now. Buying (smash - the people in line gasp each time). Spending (smash - gasp). Getting (smash - gasp). Greed (smash - gasp). You're all just being manipulated by corporate overlords who play with your emotions - does this little gadget really matter?
(Smashes another one - gasp and cries)
ALEX (CONT.): Christmas should be about helping others. It's the day an innkeeper helped a homeless pregnant woman about to have a baby. And then there's Hanukkah - it should be about celebrating miracles. But everything became about this.
(Smashes another one - gasp, cry, sob)
ALEX (CONT.): People should still focus on spending time with family, friends, and the ones they love. That’s what the holidays should be about. Instead we spend it in pursuit of the best deal on something meaningless that we’ll just toss aside in a year for something better. I’m tired of being tossed aside. I’m tired of being less important than a gadget. I want our family and friends and loved ones to be important again. I want people to matter. If things keep going they way they are going, then we’ll all end up alone with nothing but this junk to keep us company.
(Smashes last one)
ALEX (CONT.): So go home. There are no more toys or gadgets. Or better yet, take some of that money you were going to waste on this thing that you already have an older version of - and give it to the bell ringer so they can help people in need who can’t even afford to eat let alone buy some useless gadget that they’ll hate in a year because it’s never good enough and never new enough and never really makes them happy. I never could make my family happy enough. Nothing I would buy was ever right for them. Or they'd like it for 5 seconds and then toss it aside wanting more. That's what this consumeristic holiday season did to my family. I’m sick of it. I'm sick of my people caring more about things than each other. How many of you missed out on spending time with your family because you waited in line here instead?
PAT: I feel terrible. I left my family with a microwave turkey dinner this year. Every year I have been doing less and less. I thought I was doing this for them but I don't think they even really care. That stupid gadget would just give us one more reason not to spend time with each other. I don't even know what an iPid does.
CASEY: I don't either.
(Everyone leaves sadly except for PAT - PAT gives some money to SARGE)
SARGE: Thank you. Merry Christmas.
PAT: Merry Christmas.
(SARGE goes to ALEX who is sadly looking at the iPids and cleans up)
SARGE: You ok?
ALEX: I was hoping that would have a bigger impact... that it would help them.
SARGE: It helped one person. One person changed and if we can make the life of one person better for each day we’re alive then imagine how many people we could help.
ALEX: That's all I want to do is help. Sorry I don't have much to give now.
SARGE: You have a lot to give and it ain't money. Keep that fire alive inside of you. That's a beautiful fire of compassion and caring. We need more of that than money.
(ALEX nods and SARGE pats him on the back)
SARGE (CONT.): Care for a cup of coffee?
ALEX: Sure. I’d like that.
(SARGE pulls out a thermos)
SARGE: My wife makes it fresh. Better than any of that Bigbucks crap.
ALEX: That is good. Thanks.
SARGE: Thank you too. Merry Christmas, my friend.
ALEX: Merry Christmas to you too.
END OF SCENE
***
(NURSE with patient in hospital bed. Patient, ROBIN, is waking up)
NURSE: How are you doing?
ROBIN: Still wondering how I survived.
NURSE: It sounded like it was quite an accident.
ROBIN: I caught it all on video. I was doing a video when the store opened up… it’s probably the reason I got trampled.
NURSE: Those Black Friday sales are brutal.
ROBIN: But I uploaded the video and it went viral. So maybe it was worth it… ow, ow… maybe not.
NURSE: Does anyone know what happened to you? Do you have any family in town?
ROBIN: They’re all busy shopping. I’m hoping they’ll see the video.
NURSE: Oh…
ROBIN: I will try to call them.
NURSE: I hate to see you in here all alone.
ROBIN: Hi mom… mom listen… oh… yeah, I was going to go there but… I know the deals are great and I’m missing out but… Okay, mom.
(ROBIN hangs up phone and tries another call)
ROBIN (CONT.): I’ll try Dad. Dad? Listen… I… I can’t hear you Dad… where are you? Why are there monster trucks in the parking lot? Dad? Fine, I’ll call you back later.
(ROBIN tries again)
ROBIN (CONT.): Maybe I can get my sister… hey, sis… No… no, I didn’t see your TwitFace post yet… what did you buy? I’ll look later. Wait, I need to tell you that… but I can’t right now, I am in… no, I’m not trying to be difficult… I’m trying to tell you… what do you mean I never listen to you? What are you talking about? Look, this isn’t a good time… fine, I’m going on TwitFace right now. Bye.
NURSE: That doesn’t sound good.
ROBIN: They’re a little caught up in shopping right now.
I hate to send them a message… I’d rather tell them in person… but I may have to.
NURSE: Send them a selfie of you in your hospital bed. That should do it.
ROBIN: Isn’t that kind of mean?
NURSE: Maybe… but after the way they treated you on the phone, they needed a little jolt of reality. We can make it look really good too. I can wrap your head in gaze and…
ROBIN: I’ll just do a frowny, pouty face. I don’t want to overdo it.
(ROBIN does a selfie with a sad, pouty face)
NURSE: If they don’t respond to that, let me know… we’ll do you up good.
ROBIN: And send…
NURSE: Think that will work.
(ROBIN’s phone goes crazy with sounds and alerts)
ROBIN: They’re on their way. I’ve totally gotta put my pouty face pic on InstaPin. People will love it.
END OF SCENE
SCENE
Living room filled with Christmas decorations, arts/crafts and treats.
(Two siblings, PAT and ROBIN, sit at a sofa by a coffee table. They are getting ready for a Christmas celebration. ROBIN has arts/craft and/or cookie decorations. PAT has a new electronic device and is looking it over)
PAT: I can’t get this to work. I really wanted to have this all set up and ready for mom and dad when they open it. There’s nothing worse than getting a new present and then you spend all day trying to figure it out.
ROBIN: Did you read the directions?
PAT: Of course I read the directions.
ROBIN: The ones still in the box over here?
PAT: Fine. Give them to me. (pulls out huge manual from box) Maybe I’ll call their tech support.
ROBIN: (drops something in surprise) Tech support? You sure?
PAT: Why not?
ROBIN: I never call tech support. They scare me.
PAT: You just hate talking on the phone. It will be a lot faster than reading this giant manual.
ROBIN: You sure? Have you ever called tech support?
PAT: Of course I have.
(PAT dials and turns on phone speaker. ROBIN gets some materials together and starts making something homemade for Christmas, such as treats or crafts, during the whole tech support call. Tech support keeps ringing)
PAT (CONT): I wonder if I have the wrong number?
TECH1: Hello… (pause)
PAT: Hello?
TECH1: You have reached our 24 hour a day tech support hotline. If you’re calling from a phone, please press 1.
PAT: What else would I be calling from?
TECH1: If you’re not calling from a phone, please press 2.
PAT: I’m tempted to press 2 to see what happens.
ROBIN: Don’t do it.
TECH1: If you’re calling after hours, please press 3.
PAT: I thought it was 24 hours a day?
TECH1: If you’re calling about a previous incident, please press 4.
ROBIN: Just press 1 already.
PAT: But I have to listen to all the options.
TECH1: If you’re calling about a new incident, please press 5.
PAT: See, there’s a better option.
TECH1: If you’re not calling about an incident and need support, please press 6.
PAT: Or that’s a better option.
TECH1: If you’re calling about a new issue, please press 7.
PAT: Or that one.
TECH1: If you’ve purchased a new product and need help setting it up, please press 8.
PAT: That’s a good one too.
TECH1: If you’d like to hear these options again, please press 9.
ROBIN: Just pick one.
PAT: But which one?
ROBIN: 8.
PAT: You sure?
TECH1: Good-bye.
PAT: No!
(presses button)
TECH1: You have reached our 24 hour a day tech support hotline. If you’re calling from a phone, please press 1.
PAT: It started over.
ROBIN: Just press 8.
PAT: Fine. (pressed button)
TECH1: Please wait to hear all the options before making a selection.
PAT: Oh no.
TECH1: You have selected 8. This option is for businesses who are selling products, not customers. Is that correct?
PAT: No.
TECH1: Press 1 for Yes. Press 2 for No. Press 3 if you’re not sure.
PAT: Why would I not know?
ROBIN: Press 2.
PAT: Okay.
TECH1: You have reached our 24 hour a day tech support hotline. If you’re calling from a phone, please press 1.
ROBIN: Press 7.
PAT: You sure?
ROBIN: Do you really want to hear all the options again?
PAT: Not really.
(presses button)
TECH1: Please wait to make a selection until you hear all the options. You have selected 7. This will connect you to a customer service representative. Please enter your 5 digit zip code so we can connect you to the right representative.
PAT: Why would my zip code matter? (enters it)
ROBIN: Maybe they do support by region. If it’s the south then they do a southern accent (does southern accent). If it’s Minnesota then do a northern accent, don’t ya know. (does northern accent) And if New York, they do a New York accent. (does New York accent).
PAT: Okay, okay. I get it. I’m sure that’s why they do that.
TECH1: The zip code you entered is not correct. Please try again.
PAT: How did I manage to type a zip code that doesn’t exist? I thought I did it right.
ROBIN: Try again.
TECH1: The zip code you entered is not correct. Please try again.
PAT: One more time.
TECH1: The zip code you entered is not correct. Please try again.
PAT: Ugh!
ROBIN: Try a random fake one this time.
PAT: Okay.
TECH1: Thank you. Connecting you to a representative.
(Phone rings)
ROBIN: I wonder what accent you’ll get?
(TECH2 has an accent or funny voice)
TECH2: Thank you for calling the tech support line. How can we help you?
PAT: Yes, I’d like help with setting up….
TECH2: Please select from the following options.
PAT: Ugh!
TECH2: If you need help with a product with a serial number starting with the letters A-C, press 1.
PAT: Where’s the serial number? (Looks on product)
TECH2: If you need help with a product with a serial number starting with the letters D-F, press 2.
PAT: The serial number is all numbers!
TECH2: If you need help with a product with a serial number starting with the letters G-Z, press 3.
ROBIN: Maybe it’s a number on the box.
TECH2: If you need help with a product with a serial number starting a number, press 4.
ROBIN: There you go.
PAT: Fine. (pressed button)
TECH2: The representative for these products is currently busy. Please hold on the line for the next available representative.
PAT: On hold.
TECH2: Your wait time is 2 minutes.
PAT: That’s not bad.
TECH2: Your wait time is 5 minutes.
PAT: What? Why is it getting longer?
TECH2: Your wait time is 30 minutes.
PAT: What’s going on?
TECH2: If you would like to leave a call back number please press… Your wait time is now 1 hour.
PAT: No!
TECH2: If you would like to leave a call back number please press… (pause)
PAT: Yes?
TECH2: 1.
ROBIN: Press 1!
TECH2: You have reached our 24 hour a day tech support hotline. If you’re calling from a phone, please press 1.
PAT: No!
TECH2: If you’d like to leave a call back number, please press 2.
PAT: Oh. (presses)
TECH2: You have selected option 2. You are not calling from a phone.
PAT: They tricked me.
ROBIN: You did want to know what that option does.
TECH2: To leave an email address where a representative can reach you, please type in your email address now.
PAT: My whole email address? Fine. (starts typing on phone)
TECH2: The address you entered is not correct. Please try again.
PAT: I didn’t even get a chance to finish.
TECH2: The address you entered is not correct. Please try again.
PAT: Fine.
TECH2: The address you entered is not correct. If you’d like to speak to a representative, please press 9.
PAT: Okay.
TECH2: You have reached the tech support hotline. Connecting you to a representative.
PAT: I highly doubt it.
TECH3: Hello, this is Isabelle. How may I help you?
PAT: Oh, hi! Am I really talking to a person?
TECH3: This is Isabelle. How may I help you?
PAT: Um… I purchased one of your products and I need help setting it up.
TECH3: Did you read the manual?
PAT: Uh… yes.
(sister gives shocked look)
TECH3: If you follow the directions on page 11, they will walk you through the process.
PAT: I was kind of hoping you could help me.
TECH3: This is Isabelle. How may I help you?
PAT: Oh no. Another robot.
ROBIN: She must respond to key words.
TECH3: Keys? Are the keys on the device not working?
PAT: No, I just need help setting it up.
TECH3: This is Isabelle. How may I help you?
ROBIN: Don’t say help. That’s the response you get.
TECH3: This is Isabelle. How may I help you?
PAT: (Thinks careful) I have a new product. How do you set it up?
TECH3: You need assistance setting up your product?
PAT: Yes.
TECH3: Did you read the manual?
(PAT sighs)
PAT: Yes.
TECH3: If you follow the directions on page 11, they will walk you through the process.
PAT: (tosses manual) I did not receive a manual.
TECH3: You need a new manual. I can mail that to you. What is your address?
PAT: Can you just help me now instead?
TECH3: This is Isabelle. How may I help you?
ROBIN: You said the H word again.
PAT: This is starting to feel like another H word.
ROBIN: Not the H-E-double hockey sticks word? Don’t say it. That’s a bad word, don’t you know?
TECH3: If you don’t know the name of your product, please consult your manual.
PAT: Setup.
TECH3: You need help with setting up your device?
PAT: Yes!
TECH3: I can help you with that.
PAT: Excellent.
TECH3: Please power on your device.
PAT: Powered on.
TECH3: Please enter the 5 digit code for your product on the start screen.
PAT: Where do I find the code?
TECH3: You find the 5 digital code on page 13 of your manual.
PAT: Where’s my manual?
TECH3: Your manual should be in your box.
ROBIN: You threw the manual behind the sofa.
TECH3: After you type in the 5 digit code, then you press the green setup key.
PAT: Wait. Getting the manual.
TECH3: Waiting. Wait time is now 2 minutes.
PAT: No!
TECH3: Wait time is now 5 minutes.
PAT: Come back!
TECH3: Returning to main menu.
PAT: No!
TECH3: Good-bye.
PAT: I give up.
ROBIN: Hey, it’s okay. You know mom and dad will be okay with whatever we do for them. While you were on the call, I made…
(ROBIN shows stuff like arts, craft, cookies, treats…)
PAT: Wow… this looks great.
ROBIN: Thanks.
PAT: Mom and dad will probably like this.
ROBIN: We all will.
PAT: Maybe I’ll just return that thing and get my money back.
ROBIN: That might be a lot less stressful.
PAT: I appreciate you doing all this.
ROBIN: Merry Christmas.
PAT: Merry Christmas to you too.
(Hugs)
END OF SCENE
END OF ACT I
(PAT and ROBIN are sitting, looking very full. Gives them both hearty slaps on the backs)
MASTER: Bravo! These stories are worthy of more roast beast with a side of Frosty's Fluffy Mashed Potatoes, Jingle Bell Slaw, and Holly Jolly Garden Salad.
(SERVANT brings out side dishes on a rolling tray)
ROBIN: Now, you’re talking!
PAT: This all looks great. I suppose we needs to come up with more stories to get these.
MASTER: No, no, ho, ho. You have proved yourselves worthy to hear our tales. I will tell you some tales of Christmases past. Of Saint Nic, unicorns, and Rudolf too.
ROBIN: Christmas unicorns?
MASTER: Then friend elf will tell a tale of two just for you.
SERBANT: But my stories are so sad, master.
MASTER: But they are so real and from the heart. Now, why don’t we start?
SERVANT: Yes, master.
(PAT and ROBIN grab the side dishes off the tray and follow SERVANT and MASTER)
END OF SCENE
(ST NIC appears to a be a statue as a part of a display outside a church. DAD rushes out of church with MOM and SIS close behind. LEO walks out behind them)
DAD: Okay, let’s get to the car. The game started 5 minutes ago.
MOM: Fine, we’ll drop you off at O'Connell's on the way to my meeting.
SIS: Meeting? I thought we were going shopping. There’s more sales today.
MOM: I’ll drop you at the mall on the way. I have to meet with my party planning committee. We have to get our annual Christmas bash planned.
(LEO stops and won’t leave as they all rush off stage)
LEO: Wait!
(They come back in)
DAD: What’s up, Slugger? We have to go.
MOM: Did you forget something in the church?
LEO: We finally all got together at Thanksgiving and that was great. We’ve had all kinds of fun together the last few days. And I’m happy we went to church too. I was hoping we could spend more time together. At least the rest of today. It’s been really nice. We haven’t done this in a long time. I miss it.
DAD: We’ll do it again on Christmas day. We’ll watch the game together. I mean we could do that today, but the guys and I made plans to watch it at O’Connell’s. Want to come?
MOM: You can’t take a kid to O’Connells.
DAD: Good point, but I’ll watch the game at home on Christmas. I promise. I’ll get the car and pick you all up.
(DAD exits)
LEO: But we could all do something together today too. It’s a Sunday. One more day off.
SIS: Don’t be so clingy. There’s more sales today! It’s the last day.
LEO: The last day? You realize that they raise the prices before Christmas and they only pretend to discount them. The best deals are after Christmas.
SIS: Whatever. You’re making that up.
MOM: Please just get in the car and we’ll find something for you to do today too. Want to go to the mall too? Or a movie? A movie would be fun.
LEO: Would you go with me?
MOM: I have my party planning meeting, but I’ll give some extra money for snacks.
SIS: What is taking Dad so long?
(SIS and MOM exit too. LEO goes up to ST NIC statue)
LEO: What’s wrong with me, St. Nic?
(ST NIC statue comes to life)
ST NIC: Nothing is wrong with you… you just want a little more Christmas spirit.
LEO: Did you… just talk to me?
ST NIC: Yes, but only you can hear me.
LEO: Oh, no. I’ve heard about hearing voices… I’m going crazy.
ST NIC: No, you’re in need of some help. I love what you want… family togetherness. That’s the Christmas spirit. We just have to find a way to get your family to realize that.
(ST NIC winks and touches his nose)
LEO: They’re coming back.
(DAD, MOM and SIS enter upset and mad)
MOM: Did you run out of gas again?
DAD: No, I filled up the car yesterday.
MOM: How long has it been since you had the oil changed?
DAD: Not that long. Everything checked out last time I went in.
SIS: Let’s go shopping for a new car!
LEO: What’s wrong?
MOM: The car won’t start. I’ll call for some help.
SIS: Call me an Uber. I need to get to the mall before all the good deals are gone.
MOM: I’m calling one of my friends from the party planning committee to see if they can give me a ride.
SIS: And me! I need to get to the mall.
MOM: Take the bus.
SIS: Ew!
(MOM and SIS exit)
DAD: I wonder if I can see the game on my phone. I can at least check the score. Oh! Look! It’s streaming online! My lucky day. Come watch the game, Leo.
LEO: All weekend long… it’s always football or basketball or baseball… he even watches golf.
ST NIC: Oh dear. He does have a problem doesn’t he?
LEO: Hey Dad, there’s a park nearby. We have a football in the car. We can go throw it around. Show me your hail Mary catching technique.
DAD: Maybe at half time. I gotta see this game.
ST NIC: Hmmm… I wonder what’s happening now in the game.
LEO: Not you too?
(ST NIC winks and touches his nose)
DAD: Fumble! No! Not a fumble on the 10 yard line!
(LEO looks at ST NIC in surprise)
LEO: Did you do that?
(ST NIC smiles and shrugs. DAD is upset)
DAD: They scored! The Lions scored! I can’t believe this.
LEO: Game not going well?
DAD: Terrible. But it’s still early in the game. They can turn it around.
ST NIC: Oh dear. Look what is happening now.
DAD: No! The return kick is short. Another turnover! The Lions special teams has the ball again! No! Touchdown again? Two touchdowns in under a minute. What is going on here?
(LEO looks at ST NIC again)
LEO: Did you do that too?
(ST NIC laughs a deep laugh)
DAD: I don’t know if I can watch. This is a nightmare.
(SIS enters)
SIS: Sold out again! What is going on?
LEO: What’s wrong?
SIS: I’m trying to shop online but everything keeps selling out. Every time I see something I want to get, I try putting it in the cart and then it is sold out before I can buy it.
(LEO looks at ST NIC again)
LEO: Did you… ?
ST NIC: My elves must be snatching up all the good deals before your sister can get them.
LEO: I see.
(LEO and ST NIC laugh together)
SIS: What’s so funny?
LEO: Nothing.
(MOM enters madly talking on phone)
MOM: What do you mean you can’t pick me up? I’m the head of the party committee? You can’t plan this without me. What? What are you talking about? We always do this together.
ST NIC: I’ve brought them back. Now see if you can reach out to each of them in a way that is meaningful to them.
(LEO goes to SIS)
LEO: Hey, remember how we used to make those Christmas treats we used to make together?
SIS: Yeah, I thought you hated doing that?
LEO: I guess I was kind of a pain about it. Maybe we could try making those again?
SIS: That might be fun. I do love those. I’ll look and see if I still have the recipe.
(SIS goes and looks at phone)
LEO: Great!
(ST NIC smiles and pats LEO on the back)
ST NIC: And I’m sure you’ll have all the ingredients you need for those treats at home.
LEO: Really? Thanks!
(ST NIC nods and points at DAD)
DAD: This is the worst game in history… unless you’re a Lions fan. I’m done. I can’t watch anymore.
(LEO’s eye light up and he goes to DAD)
LEO: Hey, Dad. Remember that old train set?
DAD: Oh, yeah. We used to play with that for hours. I love that train set. You got bored of it though, didn’t you?
LEO: What if we used it around the Christmas tree this year?
DAD: That’s a great idea. We might even find a way to have the train go up through the branches. That would be a lot of fun.
LEO: Great! We should get out the trains and start planning that.
DAD: That sounds fun. The football game’s a bust. Maybe if I can get the car going, we can head home and do that instead.
LEO: I’d like that.
DAD: I have the trains stored away in a special place. I was kind of hoping you’d get interested in them again. Let me go check on that car and see if we can get home soon to do that.
LEO: Thanks, Dad.
ST NIC: Nicely done.
(MOM gets done talking on phone and puts it away. Crossed her arm and frowns)
LEO: Now for Mom. She looks pretty upset.
ST NIC: Maybe she could use some help.
(LEO goes to MOM reluctantly)
LEO: What’s wrong, Mom?
MOM: Cindy doesn’t want to do our annual Christmas party. We’ve done that for years. But she can’t afford it this year. She got laid off from her job. The stupid economy. Why does it have to go and ruin everything?
LEO: I’m sorry to hear about Cindy’s job.
MOM: Yeah, me too. I feel bad getting upset at her now. I should find a way to make it up to her.
LEO: That’s a good idea. Maybe we could help her with some job hunting.
MOM: She might like that. You’ve got a good heart. I’m just going to miss doing the party this year though, but I can’t do it without her.
LEO: What if we just had a smaller family party? You know, with Aunts, Uncles, cousins. I think Grandma would really like that.
MOM: I think she would.
LEO: She’s been pretty lonely since Grandpa passed away.
MOM: That’s a really nice idea. A family party would be great. I will get a hold of my sister and brother and run the idea by them.
LEO: That would be a nice present for Grandma this year.
MOM: You’re right. I’m glad you thought of that.
LEO: I am too. And I’ll be happy to help. I can be your party planner partner this year.
MOM: That sounds fun.
(DAD rushes in)
DAD: I got the car to work. Are you all ready to go?
SIS: I found the recipe.
LEO: Great!
MOM: Ready to head home?
DAD: Home?
MOM: It’s a long story. I’ll tell you on the way to O’Connel’s.
DAD: I’m headed home too. The game is a bust.
MOM: Okay.
(MOM smiles and takes his arm and they exit. SIS shows LEO her phone)
SIS: Maybe we can stop by the store and get a few things for the recipe.
LEO: I have a feeling we have all that already.
SIS: You think so?
LEO: I’ve seen a lot of that around.
SIS: Okay, but if we’re missing anything you have to take the bus and go get it.
LEO: It’s a deal.
(SIS exits. LEO turns to ST NIC)
ST NIC: Looks like your Christmas wish came true.
LEO: Thanks so much, St. Nic. This means a lot to me.
ST NIC: And it will mean a lot to your family too. You’ve found a lot of ways to help your family just now. That will make your Grandpa very happy.
LEO: Do you think you could tell Grandpa about all this?
ST NIC: Of course. He’ll be delighted to hear about this.
LEO: Do you know him?
ST NIC: Yes, of course, who do you think sent me?
LEO: Thank you, St Nic. That means so much to me. Please give him this hug for me.
(LEO gives ST NIC a big hug)
ST NIC: I will!
(DAD yells from off stage)
DAD (off): All aboard, Slugger!
(LEO waves to ST NIC and runs off. ST NIC does a wink and touches his nose and lights fade to Christmas lights and music)
END OF SCENE
(WINNY and PAUL sit on a bench in a park. WINNY is reading something on a tablet or phone. PAUL has some food in a bag and he eats little bits. Their dog BOPPY is in a weird position on the ground in front of them. BOPPY suddenly gets alert and starts looking around. UNICORN appears behind a bush. BOPPY sniffs around. UNICORN sneaks up behind bush as BOPPY heads to bush. PAUL suddenly sneezes. This scares UNICORN and she runs off)
WINNY: Bless you.
PAUL: That was weird. That sneeze came out of nowhere.
WINNY: Where’s Boppy?
PAUL: Hey Boppy!
(BOPPY is behind a bush making sniffy and little barking sounds. PAUL goes up to investigate)
PAUL: What did you find? I hope it’s a skunk again.
WINNY: That was awful.
(BOPPY goes to bench sniffing. PAUL watches but stays by bush. UNICORN sneaks behind bush)
PAUL: Tell me about it. My room still smells like skunk.
WINNY: You sure that’s not just your dirty laundry.
PAUL: Funny.
(PAUL sneezes again. UNICORN runs off)
PAUL: What is going on?
(BOPPY runs back to bush)
WINNY: Are you coming down with something?
PAUL: I don’t feel sick. It’s more like allergies.
WINNY: What are you allergic to?
PAUL: I didn’t think I was allergic to anything.
WINNY: Everyone is allergic to something.
PAUL: Is that so? That a proven medical fact?
WINNY: I read it on the internet.
PAUL: Well, then it must be true if you read it online.
(BOPPY goes crazy when UNICORN tries sneaking by. PAUL turns and bumps into UNICORN. PAUL yelps and sneezes violently and falls down at WINNY’s feet. BOPPY chases UNICORN off stage. WINNY doesn’t look up from her tablet)
WINNY: Bless you.
(PAUL moans. WINNY looks)
WINNY: You okay?
PAUL: Not really.
WINNY: Why’d fall down?
PAUL: You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
WINNY: Why not?
PAUL: I think I know what’s making me sneeze?
WINNY: What?
PAUL: A unicorn.
WINNY: Did you say unicorn?
PAUL: Yup.
WINNY: There’s no such thing as unicorns.
(WINNY goes back to looking at her phone. BOPPY chases UNICORN across the stage and they both steps on PAUL. PAUL has a sneezing fit and rolls around on the ground)
WINNY: Please stop that. You’re embarrassing yourself.
(PAUL sneezes after each word)
PAUL: Didn’t… you… see… uh…. Uni… uni…
WINNY: What’s Boppy barking at anyway?
PAUL: Uh… uh… uni… uni…
WINNY: Oh, now Boppy is seeing unicorns too.
(BOPPY returns and plops down on PAUL)
PAUL: Get off.
(PAUL struggles to get BOPPY off)
WINNY: Did you get that mean old unicorn, Boppy?
(BOPPY shakes head excitedly)
WINNY: Good dog. See, Paul. Boppy got it. You’re safe now.
(UNICORN sneaks up behind bush again. BOPPY sniffs)
PAUL: Oh, no. It’s back. Check the bush! Check the bush!
(UNICORN sneaks away)
WINNY: If there’s a skunk there, you’re so dead.
PAUL: Go look. Quick.
(WINNY sighs and goes over to bush. BOPPY follows)
WINNY: Ah! It got me!
(WINNY falls behind bush. BOPPY barks and growls)
PAUL: Winny!
WINNY: What?
(WINNY comes out laughing)
PAUL: You okay?
WINNY: Yup.
PAUL: Did you see it?
WINNY: Nope.
PAUL: I must be going crazy.
WINNY: Definitely.
(They go back to their original positions at the start of the play: WINNY on her phone, PAUL with his bag of food and BOPPY in a weird position on the ground)
PAUL: I’m always randomly sneezing. I wonder if it is unicorns that cause that?
WINNY: Sure, Paul. That seems possible. I suspect that there is an invisible unicorn around every time you sneeze.
(PAUL mumbles annoyed)
PAUL: They’re not always invisible.
(UNICORN sneaks up and steals WINNY’s phone. PAUL sneezes. BOPPY has fallen asleep and doesn’t react. UNICORN runs off)
WINNY: My phone?! It took my phone.
PAUL: What took your phone?
WINNY: Didn’t you see it?
PAUL: Say it.
WINNY: I don’t want to.
PAUL: Tell me what took your phone.
WINNY: It was…
PAUL: Yes?
WINNY: A unicorn.
PAUL: I knew it.
WINNY: Why did it take my phone? Boppy!
(BOPPY wakes up startled)
WINNY: Go get that unicorn!
(BOPPY goes sniffing around. UNICORN is hiding behind bush)
PAUL: I can’t believe we saw a real unicorn.
WINNY: Are their real unicorns? I thought they were made up. I wish I had my phone so I could look that up.
PAUL: I think it’s safe to say that this is unusual.
(BOPPY finds UNICORN behind bush)
WINNY: Boppy found the unicorn! Get my phone!
PAUL: You get it. I can’t go near it. I’ll sneeze myself to death.
WINNY: I don’t think anyone has ever died from a sneeze attack.
PAUL: How can you know for sure without your phone?
WINNY: Give me my phone back, unicorn!
(BOPPY drags UNICORN out.PAUL backs away. UNICORN holds up phone. WINNY grabs it)
WINNY: Good Boppy. Bad Unicorn.
(BOPPY is excited. UNICORN is sad)
PAUL: You made it sad.
WINNY: Me? It’s the one that took my phone.
PAUL: Maybe it needed to call home.
(UNICORN nods sadly)
PAUL: See.
(WINNY sighs and changes her tone)
WINNY: Are you lost, little unicorn?
(UNICORN nods sadly)
WINNY: Did you just need to call home?
(UNICORN nods sadly)
WINNY: Okay, here you go. You can make a call.
(UNICORN grabs phone and runs off happily)
WINNY: It took my phone again! Go get it Boppy!
(BOPPY runs after UNICORN. UNICORN and BOPPY run back and forth across the stage. PAUL sneezes every time they run by)
WINNY: Get it! Get it!
(PAUL is on the ground, sniffling and coughing and moaning. WINNY is upset)
PAUL: I think I’m going to die.
WINNY: This is terrible.
PAUL: I know.
WINNY: Not you! My phone! My phone is gone! What am I going to do?
(WINNY sits on the bench with her arms crossed, pouting. PAUL struggles over the bench and overdramatically pulls himself next to her)
PAUL: I’m sorry you lost your phone.
WINNY: It’s about time you showed a little compassion and caring.
PAUL: I’m so sorry.
(PAUL falls to the ground and passes out. BOPPY returns and lays on him)
WINNY: I haven’t posted anything for like… a long time… what will my followers think. Maybe they think I’m dead. What if they think I’m dead and stop following me? My life is ruined.
(WINNY starts crying. UNICORN enters concerned. WINNY cries louder. UNICORN goes up to her and holds out her phone. WINNY squeals in delight and snatched back her phone. UNICORN starts to go sadly)
WINNY: Come here, you.
(UNICORN comes back happily. WINNY does a selfie with the UNICORN)
WINNY: This photo will go viral. Do you know how to dance? We totally need to do a dance off.
(BOPPY wakes up and barks, scares UNICORN and UNICORN runs off)
WINNY: Why’d you do that?!
(BOPPY looks confused. PAUL wakes up. WINNY sits on the bench and gets on her phone. PAUL crawls back up onto the bench. BOPPY gets food back. PAUL shares something and BOPPY buries it and then goes back into a weird position on the ground. WINNY, PAUL and BOPPY are back to their original positions around the bench)
WINNY: I wonder what I’m allergic too.
(RUDOLF the reindeer appears from behind the bush and laughs evilly. WINNY starts sneezing)
END OF SCENE
SANTA: I am Santa who is as merry as the day is long. Friends, Elves, reindeer, lend me your ears: I come to save Christmas, not to miss it. A reindeer, a reindeer, my kingdom for a reindeer!
(SANTA looks around)
SANTA (CONT.): Rudolf! Rudolf! Wherefore art thou Rudolf?
I am round like the moon and your nose is bright as the sun.
RUDOLF: To be a reindeer or not to be a reindeer - that is the question.
SANTA: Is that a red nose I see before me?
(RUDOLF tries to hide his nose)
RUDOLF: Out out red nose!
SANTA: Now is the winter of our discontent. Rough winds do shake the darling icicles of December and winter’s lease hath all too long a date. A storm blinds us to the world around us and I have but one wish - for you to guide my sleigh tonight
RUDOLF: Alas I am but one reindeer.
SANTA: This is your moment rudolf - there comes a moment in everyone’s lives where they have a chance to make a difference -
RUDOLF: Alas I am but a freak - a monster! Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor reindeer, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
SANTA: This above all: to thine own self be true.
RUDOLF: What’s in a nose? A nose by any name would smell as well.
SANTA: To thine own self be true.
RUDOLF: All that glisters is not gold.
SANTA: You are a reindeer - a special reindeer - We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
RUDOLF: Then why would they not let me play any reindeer games and why would they call me names
SANTA: If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you give us cookies do we not eat?
RUDOLF: My nose is one that glowed not wisely but too well.
SANTA: Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. Help us and You will go down in history.
RUDOLF: Though this be madness, there is method in it.
SANTA: We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and my tummy is rounded with a snack.
RUDOLF: Then we shall fly and save Christmas.
(RUDOLF and SANTA do a high five and leave determined)
END OF SCENE
(JANE wears a soldier’s uniform and is packing things into a duffle bag. PENNY, a younger sister, watches her from behind something. JANE smiles and holds up her phone like a walkie-talkie)
JANE: This is Corporal Jones contacting command. I’m detecting an unknown entity in my perimeter.
PENNY: It’s just me, Jane.
JANE: I can never be too careful.
PENNY: What’s a corple?
JANE: Corporal. Two stripes.
(JANE points to the two stripes on her arm)
PENNY: Does that mean you’re in charge?
JANE: Not really.
PENNY: So who’s in charge?
JANE: Lots of people. Sergeants, lieutenants…
PENNY: Captains?
JANE: Yes, ma’am. And majors.
PENNY: I’m a major.
JANE: Really? I didn’t know that.
PENNY: Yup. The army called me and made me a major.
JANE: So that’s how you become a major? I always wondered how that happened.
PENNY: I’m your boss now and you have to do everything I say.
(JANE stands at attention and salutes)
JANE: Yes, ma’am.
(PENNY tries to look tough and tall. She salutes back).
PENNY: I order you to get me a juice.
JANE: Yes, ma’am.
(JANE rushes off and brings back a juice box)
PENNY: And an apple.
JANE: Ma’am, yes, ma’am.
(JANE rushes out and gets an apple)
PENNY: Now drop and give me a 1,000.
JANE: A 1,000?
PENNY: How about 5?
JANE: Yes, ma’am.
(JANE drops to the floor and does 5 push ups)
PENNY: I saw that in a movie once.
(JANE finishes and stands at attention)
JANE: Yes, ma’am.
PENNY: Can you say anything else to a major?
JANE: Yes, ma’am.
PENNY: Like what?
JANE: No, ma’am.
PENNY: That’s it?
JANE: No, ma’am.
PENNY: It’s like a game. Speaking of games. I order you to go get Monopoly. I want to play.
(JANE breaks out of her soldier routine)
JANE: Sorry, Penny, but I have to go soon.
(PENNY gets angry)
PENNY: But I ordered you! I’m a major!
JANE: My ride will be here soon. I have to go.
(PENNY’s eyes fill with angry tears)
PENNY: No, I order you to stay!
JANE: What is wrong with you?
PENNY: I don’t want you to go. It’s almost Christmas.
(PENNY hugs JANE with all her strength)
JANE: I’m really sorry, but they need me.
PENNY: I need you more.
JANE: Don’t worry. I’ll be back soon.
PENNY: Will you?
JANE: What do you mean?
PENNY: What if you get hurt?
(JANE pauses and looks worried. She sits down with PENNY and tries to get her to make eye contact)
JANE: Is that why you are so upset? Because you’re worried I won’t come back.
(PENNY cries as she speaks)
PENNY: I saw it on the news. They said some soldiers got hurt. I don’t want you to get hurt.
JANE: Don’t worry. I’ll be okay.
PENNY: But what if you’re not. What if one of those majors is stupid and tells you to do something bad and you get hurt? I won’t let them. I order you to stop. I order you to stay home!
(PENNY cries and JANE holds her until she calms down)
JANE: I’m so sorry, Penny. But I have to go.
PENNY: I know.
(PENNY wipes away her tears and gets up. She gets JANE”s bag, hugs it and then gives it to JANE)
JANE: That’s my brave soldier.
PENNY: I have something for you. Please wait a second while I get it. Please don’t leave yet.
(PENNY exits. JANE looks at her phone and then goes to the window to look outside. She sees someone and waves. PENNY returns).
JANE: My ride is here.
PENNY: I have something for you. It will protect you.
(PENNY gives JANE a gift bag. JANE opens it and takes out a coin)
JANE: Isn’t this your lucky coin?
PENNY: Yes, it helps me get good grades and helped get a free milkshake once.
JANE: You’re giving it to me.
PENNY: It will protect you. It will keep you safe.
JANE: And get me free milkshakes?
(They laugh and cry)
PENNY: Yes.
JANE: Thank you, Penny. I love you.
PENNY: I love you too, Jane. So much.
JANE: I will see you soon.
(PENNY takes JANE’s hand, the one holding the lucky coin, and holds it to her ear)
PENNY: The lucky coin says yes.
(They hug, and then JANE exits. PENNY goes to the window and salutes)
LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK
END OF SCENE
By D. M. Larson
(HARPER sits at a table alone in a room. She is nervous and sad. Her FATHER enters and she tries to put on a happy face. He sits across the table from her)
FATHER: Hi, Harper. I’m really happy you came.
HARPER: Merry Christmas.
FATHER: Thanks… wow, you’re growing fast. How long has it been since I last saw you?
HARPER: It was your birthday.
FATHER: That’s right. I lose track of time. Every day seems like another.
HARPER: Did you get the pictures? The ones of the school play?
FATHER: Yes. I loved your costume. Did you sing? You have a wonderful voice. It looked like you were singing.
HARPER: I did.
FATHER: Sing for me.
HARPER: Now?
FATHER: Sure.
HARPER: I can’t. Not in front of all these strangers.
FATHER: But you sang in front of the whole school.
HARPER: It’s not the same.
FATHER: Come on.
HARPER: Maybe you can make it to the next play?
FATHER: I wish I could.
HARPER: Maybe… if things go well here… you won’t be here forever… will you?
FATHER: I want to come home. I really do. I’m trying my best. I have another hearing next month. My lawyer says I might have a chance.
HARPER: I hope so… we miss you, Daddy.
FATHER: How is your mother?
HARPER: She told me not to talk about her.
FATHER: She’s still mad at me?
HARPER: You left us.
FATHER: It wasn’t my choice.
HARPER: You didn’t have to do that job. That’s what made you end up here, isn’t it?
FATHER: I wanted to take care of you all. I wanted to help. I got fired and I didn’t have any other options.
HARPER: Mom is supporting us now.
FATHER: You have a good mother. I’m happy she’s taking care of you. I just wish I could have done as good of a job.
HARPER: You tried. I know you tried.
FATHER: I’d do anything for you… But it wasn’t enough.
HARPER: Just having you home would be enough.
FATHER: If your mother will let me.
HARPER: It’s been hard for her. I’ve never seen her so sad. She cries every night. She never does it in front of me. She waits until she thinks I’m asleep. I check on her to make sure she is okay though. She has this picture of us in her room and she looks at it and cries. I want to help her, but I don’t know how.
FATHER: You are the reason she keeps going. She’s doing everything for you. She’ll never give up on you.
HARPER: I’m worried she is giving up on you.
FATHER: I can see why.
HARPER: Why can’t she forgive you?
FATHER: I don’t blame her. I can’t even forgive myself.
HARPER: I forgive you, Daddy. I will always forgive you.
FATHER: You’re a good girl, Harper. I hope you’ll always have a forgiving heart. And that no one ever does anything to change that.
HARPER: What happened to you, Daddy? What changed you?
FATHER: I don’t know if I ever had a good heart.
HARPER: You were good to me.
FATHER: I wanted to be different for you. I wanted to be better. Being a father changed me, it made me try harder to be good. But I guess it was too late.
HARPER: It’s never too late.
FATHER: I want to believe that you’re right. I wish it was as easy to be good as it is to be bad. No matter how hard I try, something always happens… something deceives me, tricks me, tempts me… I’m so weak.
HARPER: Don’t be sad, Daddy. Let’s think of something good. Tell me something you want to do when you come home.
FATHER: I want to take you to that pizza place, with all those games, the one we went to for your birthday. With all the lights and music… you did that dancing game… and you looked so happy. Everyone watched you dance and cheered. That’s one of my best memories.
HARPER: I was very happy.
FATHER: And I want to see one of your school plays. I hope you get the lead in the next one. And I want to be in the front row.
HARPER: I want that too, Daddy. Real bad.
FATHER: I will do my best.
HARPER: I wish I could give you a Christmas present, but they wouldn’t let me bring anything in.
FATHER: Just seeing you is present enough.
HARPER: Can I give you a hug?
FATHER: They won’t let us. It’s against the rules.
HARPER: I hate the rules.
FATHER: Harper. Don’t hate the rules. Hating the rules is what got me in here. Love the rules and don’t be like me.
HARPER: Okay, Daddy.
FATHER: Never do anything that keeps you from giving your child a hug. That’s the worst part of this for me. Being away from you and your mother. Please ask your mother to come see me. I miss her.
HARPER: I will.
FATHER: Goodbye, Harper.
HARPER: Goodbye, Daddy.
(They stand and look like they want to hug. Lights go to black)
END OF SCENE
(SERVANT is crying. PAT and ROBIN try to offer comfort)
SERVANT: My stories are so sad! What a sad life I’ve lived. I was the driver who took Jane away for Christmas and I was the guard who kept Harper and her Father apart!
PAT: You were just doing your job.
ROBIN: You did nothing wrong.
SERVANT: I should have made Jane stay home.
PAT: Did something bad happen to her?
SERVANT: No, she made home again and spent the next Christmas with her family.
ROBIN: So that one turned out okay.
PAT: What happened with Harper and her father?
SERVANT: He got released from jail. Harper and her mother were there to pick him up and the mother forgave him.
ROBIN: See, all’s well that ends well.
SERVANT: I still feel so sad.
MASTER: I know what will cheer you up. The iron maiden!
SERVANT: Oh, master. I would love that. You make every day feel like Christmas.
MASTER: Ho, ho, ho!
(MASTER and SERVANT exits)
ROBIN: This has been the weirdest vacation ever.
PAT: At least we’ll have a new story to tell.
ROBIN: And this roast beast is delicious. What kind of meat is it?
PAT: Maybe it’s reindeer?
(Pause. They look at each other)
ROBIN: Reindeer are delicious.
(They laugh)
PAT and ROBIN: Ho, ho, ho!
END OF PLAY
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