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Big Nose
(A Modern Cyrano)
by D. M. Larson

Buy a low cost PDF of this play at https://sellfy.com/p/nI4t/

from a published play "Big Nose" ISBN-13: 978-1542471077

First performed by the American School of Kosova in Pristina, Kosovo, December, 2003

Copyright (c) 1994, 2003, 2016
All Rights Reserved*

Please do NOT repost the text of this script online.


Cast of Characters
CYRIL: A local man who has a rather large nose.

ROXY: An actress in the CAPTAIN'S play who catches CYRIL'S eye.
KELLY: CYRIL'S friend who runs the theatre.

CAPTAIN: A bad actor who makes William Shatner look good.
SOLDIER: Another equally bad actor.
FRANK/FRIEND(S): A friend of CYRIL'S in the audience who can be played by one or more actors of either gender.

Time and Place

A modern day community theatre in small town USA.

SAMPLE SCENE

(KELLY and ROXY are working upstage on the set for a scene that takes place outside a castle. CAPTAIN is on stage practicing his sword fighting technique which is terrible. SOLDIER enters and CAPTAIN stabs him. SOLDIER sighs)

CAPTAIN
What's wrong?

SOLDIER
Heather called in sick.

CAPTAIN
She what?! She can't do that.

SOLDIER
She's really sick… I could hear her… getting sick over the phone.

CAPTAIN
What are we going to do?

SOLDIER
I can play both parts.  She and I are not on stage at the same time.

CAPTAIN
But she gives me a kiss at the end of the play. I don't want you kissing me.

SOLDIER
Is my breath that bad?

CAPTAIN
We'll have to cancel the show.

(KELLY goes over followed by ROXY)

KELLY
Something wrong?


CAPTAIN
One of our actresses bailed on us.  We'll have to cancel the show.

KELLY
This is terrible. I can't afford to refund all those tickets.

CAPTAIN
Well, I'm not paying them back.

KELLY
Now wait buddy... we have a contract... I believe I get a refund if you don't perform...

CAPTAIN
Minus a non-refundable processing fee.

KELLY
Where does it say that in the contract?

CAPTAIN
(To SOLDIER)
They never read the fine print.

KELLY
You crook!

ROXY
Wait, how big of a part is it?

CAPTAIN
Not big, but important. She is my love interest. And she has to kiss me at the end.

KELLY
That's probably why the actress called in sick.

ROXY
I can do it.

KELLY
You'd do that?

CAPTAIN
Yeah, you look like someone I could kiss.

ROXY
If it would help you, Kelly, I'll do it… for you.

CAPTAIN
You're way hotter than the other actress.

SOLDIER
Hey, that's my girlfriend.

CAPTAIN
And she's a bad kisser.

SOLDIER
For you maybe.

(SOLDIER practices his swordplay during the scene)

CAPTAIN
So… what's your name, beautiful?

ROXY
Roxy.

CAPTAIN
Nice name too. Yum.

KELLY
Uh… Roxy, you don't need to do this.  I'm willing to take a loss on this one.

ROXY
This theatre is struggling as it is. I'll do it. I'm here to help remember.

CAPTAIN
So why don't you go try on the costume. It should fit. You have the right build. And we'll practice the scene a few times?  I want to make sure we get it right.

KELLY
I'll bet you do.

ROXY
Okay, I'll back in a sec.

KELLY
Thanks for taking one for the team.

ROXY
You owe me.

KELLY
Big time.


(ROXY exits)


(She pushes him off. KELLY rushes out and faces audience)

KELLY
Well, folks. That was an interesting twist in tonight's show. We will now have a ten minute intermission...

CAPTAIN
(Storms onto the stage. Rips up a contract in front of KELLY)
I quit!
(Exits)

KELLY
Let's make that a twenty minute intermission and we'll be back... with something.
(Angrily calls to CYRIL under her breath)
Get over here.

CYRIL
Something wrong?

KELLY
Thanks to you, the theatre group canceled the rest of tonight's performance. Now what am I going to do?

CYRIL
Hey! Let's have a community talent show.

KELLY
You mean right now?

CYRIL
Give a prize. That will make them happy.

KELLY
(Sighs)
I guess. What else can I do?

KELLY
(ROXY exits as CYRIL enters. He watches her go)
You ready?

CYRIL
Of course.
(To audience)
Everyone? Can I have your attention please? Due to a sudden attack of stupidity, we will not be showing our regularly scheduled play. Instead I present to you a talent show where you, the audience, can be a part of it. First prize... $100.

KELLY
$100?

CYRIL
(Aside)
Just play along.

KELLY
Easy for you to say. It's not your $100.

CYRIL
I'll start things off by reciting some of my poetry.

CAPTAIN
(Appears out of audience)
I thought you said this was a talent show. It can't be one with you in it.

CYRIL
You're still here? Did the rest of the theatre group leave without you?

CAPTAIN
Aren't you being a little nosey?
(Referring to CYRIL'S nose)
I guess you're probably always nosing around.
(CYRIL is mad. ROXY, SOLDIER, KELLY reappear on stage)
What's wrong? I guess nobody nose!

CYRIL
Is that all you can think up?

CAPTAIN
I'm sure I could come up with a few more.

CYRIL
I bet you can't.

CAPTAIN
Wanna bet?

CYRIL
Gladly.

KELLY
Cyril. What are you doing?
(CYRIL waves her down)

CYRIL
I challenge you to a dual of jokes. Whoever tells the most nose jokes...
(CAPTAIN is up on stage)

CAPTAIN
Yes?

CYRIL
(Thinks. CYRIL motions to ROXY)
Gets a kiss from the lovely lady.

KELLY
Cyril!

ROXY
No, it's okay.

CAPTAIN
(Comes onstage. Eyeing ROXY)
I'll gladly accept as long as it's a real kiss, not one of those stage kisses.

ROXY
(Winks at CYRIL)
It depends who wins.
(FRIENDS cat call from audience)

CYRIL
Shall we begin?

CAPTAIN
Okay, big nose.
(Laughs)
There's one.

CYRIL
That's it? I guess I shouldn't expect much from someone who must use his nose to count to eleven.

FRIEND
(From audience)
One - one!

CYRIL
No, no. We are insulting my nose, not his. Let's see. Oh, yes. Aggressive: Sir, if I had such a nose, I would cut it off to please, not spite, my face.
(Looks at audience)
One - one.

CAPTAIN
Your nose is so big you must use a box of tissues a day.
(A few boos from FRIENDS)

CYRIL
Oh, let's give it to him. Two - one.
(Thinks)
Hmmm. Ah, here's one: Hey, that thing's nearly a house... and wow, what a view!

FRIEND
Two - two!

CAPTAIN
(Frustrated. Then smiles)
I've seen a bigger nose. On an elephant.

CYRIL
Very good. Three - two.
(Thinks. Smiles)
On exercise: I've heard of people developing their muscles, but developing your nose? It's the noseflex exercise challenge.

FRIEND
Three all!

CAPTAIN
(Annoyed)
Uh, your nose is so big you... you...

CYRIL
See the snot before you hear the sneeze?

FRIEND
That point goes to Cyril.

CAPTAIN
He didn't let me finish.

CYRIL
Go ahead.

CAPTAIN
It's so big... you're always nosing around.
(Boos)

CYRIL
No point.
(CAPTAIN scowls)
Gracious: How kind of you! How many people put a bird perch on his face?

CAPTAIN
Now look here...

CYRIL
When you have a cigarette and blow out your nose, do the neighbors cry, "Look out! A chimney's on fire!"

CAPTAIN
Forget it... I'm through...

CYRIL
(Stops him)
But I'm just getting started. When you go to the movies, do they charge you twice?

FRIEND
Seven to three!

CAPTAIN
It is not!

CYRIL
(CAPTAIN is really ticked)
And for my final insult: Musical. Sing with me now:
(FRIENDS sing)
Nobody NOSE the trouble I've seen. Nobody NOSE my sorrow.
(FRIENDS give wild applause)

CAPTAIN
I'm out of here.

CYRIL
Don't forget to write.

ROXY
Its about time somebody put that jerk in his place.
(Smiles at CYRIL who suddenly becomes shy)
And for your prize... a kiss.
(She kisses him. LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK)

END OF SCENE


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