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El Rancho Cheapo

By

D. M. Larson

Copyright (c) 2002

All Rights Reserved*

* * *

Cast of Characters

LADY: A cranky woman who runs a home-tel.

NICK: MEG's husband who would rather watch television than talk to his wife.

MEG: NICK's wife who wants to communicate with her husband.

BRAD: JAN's husband who would rather play in a rock band than get a steady job.

JAN: BRAD's wife who barely supports them both with a job at a pizza parlor.

FRAN: Old lady who lives in the home-tel.

Time and Place

A run down motel in modern day Grants, New Mexico

(Lights come up on two rooms in a motel. Each room has out of date and worn out. Each room has a bed [DR, DL], chair [UR, UL], TV-radio [URC, ULC], and door to a bathroom [R, L]. The two rooms are divided by a hallway. The doors to the rooms [UC] are open. Up the hallway [UC] two more doors are seen. The walls dividing the two rooms [C, DC] are only suggestive and not complete. NICK and MEG appear UC and come down the hallway with the LADY that runs the place)

Scene 1

LADY

This is what we call a Home-tel. We have people who just stay the night and old folks who live here all year round. It's a real nice arrangement. You wait here. I'll go get the key.

(LADY exits up the hall)

NICK

I don't know about this.

MEG

Look, we have checked all over town. Either its too expensive for you or too smelly. What do you want to do?

NICK

This is fine I guess.

MEG

It'll have to do. I'm tired and I'm fussy.

NICK

(Sarcastic)

Really? I didn't notice.

MEG

And I don't need your sarcasm either.

LADY

(Comes quickly down the hall UC)

It's that room right to the left. Here's the key.

NICK

(Slightly confused)

Right to the left.

(Finds it)

It's already open.

(NICK enters and starts sniffing. MEG steps just inside with the LADY behind her)

LADY

What do you think?

(NICK is trying to find the source of the bad smell)

MEG

This will do fine.

(MEG and LADY go into hall. NICK approaches bathroom)

LADY

That will be $20.

MEG

The price is right.

(Hands over a credit card. NICK gets to the bathroom door and opens it. He gags at the smell and about stumbles around as if assaulted by some deadly poison)

LADY

Cash only.

MEG

(Shrugs and pulls out a 20 dollar bill)

Here you go.

LADY

(Stuffs it inside shirt)

No refunds.

(NICK struggles to get bathroom door shut and is still gagging)

Let me know if you need anything.

(NICK gets door shut)

MEG

(Enters room)

She was interesting.

NICK

(Moans)

Uh... the smell.

MEG

It's not...

(Sniffs)

"that" bad.

(Sniffs more)

Where's that smell coming from?

NICK

The bathroom.

(Crosses to chair. MEG approaches bathroom)

Don't open that door!

MEG

But I have to go. We can't not use the bathroom.

NICK

I'm willing to give it a try.

MEG

(Opens bathroom door and quickly closes it)

Then again... maybe we should go buy some air freshener at that little store down the road.

NICK

Maybe I'll sleep in the car tonight.

(Sits on chair and then jumps up)

Ow. What was that?

(Rubs rear)

MEG

(Looks at chair)

You were just goosed by a spring. Was it good for you?

NICK

Very funny.

(Goes to lay on bed and sinks into the middle)

Nice bed.

(Tries to sleep on edge and rolls back into the middle)

This should be interesting.

MEG

(Gets on and rolls on top)

I get to sleep on top tonight.

(NICK says something but can't be heard)

What's that?

(NICK is louder but is still face down. MEG gets up)

What?

NICK

(Sits up)

I said, ...Get off. I can't breathe...

MEG

Oh.

NICK

Yeah.

MEG

At least this will be better than camping.

NICK

That's debatable.

MEG

I hate camping.

NICK

I think it's fun. The fresh, clean air. The cool, misty mornings

MEG

Having to walk through the woods in the middle of the night to find a smelly outhouse

NICK

(Looks at floor)

Actually this is a lot like camping. We have a smelly bathroom. And we have little critters running around.

MEG

What?

NICK

Don't worry. I've seen bigger bugs.

MEG

Bugs? Ah! Where? Where?

(Jumps up on bed)

NICK

Right.

(Stomps)

Here.

MEG

Did you kill it?

NICK

Yes, unless it's one of those bugs that can survive without all it's body parts.

(Wipes shoe on rug trying to get bug off)

MEG

As long as nothing is living in the bed, I'll be happy.

NICK

I'll be happy if the TV works.

(Turns it on)

Yes!

(Flips channels)

Oh, yes! Cable!

MEG

You can't get that camping.

NICK

Okay. Now, I think this was a good idea.

(Flips)

Hey! Pro-wrestling.

MEG

Now, I think this was a bad idea. Let's go get something to make the bathroom smell better.

(LADY is talking to an old person down the hall)

NICK

Why don't we just tell the lady who works here?

MEG

(Steps out into hallway and motions to LADY)

Could I talk to you?

(Old person disappears inside room)

LADY

No refunds!

(LADY exits up the hallway UC)

MEG

Great.

(Goes back in room)

No luck. Any other ideas?

NICK

(Sighs)

Let's go to the store.

(Turns off the TV and they exit UC. LADY appears to make sure they're gone. She motions to another couple and leads them down the hall)

LADY

Got a room for you right down here.

BRAD

That's cool.

JAN

How much is it?

LADY

(Looks them over)

You staying all night?

(BRAD chuckles)

JAN

Yes, we're married.

LADY

(Leads them into room)

$20 then.

BRAD

I think we got that.

(JAN and BRAD go through their pockets and scrounge up $20 bucks)

JAN

18, 19...

BRAD

(Finds some coins)

and 20.

LADY

Let me know if you need anything.

BRAD

There a phone in here?

LADY

There's a payphone down the hall. Right to your left.

BRAD

You think I could borrow a quarter?

LADY

Sorry, no refunds.

(LADY exits)

JAN

Will I be glad when we don't have to stay in places like this anymore.

BRAD

I thought you just got a big bonus at work for being employee of the month.

JAN

Yeah? So?

BRAD

We should have used it to stay at that cool place on the ocean.

JAN

That would have taken all my money.

BRAD

Yeah? So?

JAN

How are we going to pay for gas, food, and everything else on this trip if I spend it all on a fancy hotel?

BRAD

Okay, okay. Don't get your panties in a bunch.

JAN

Sorry. We just don't have the money.

BRAD

Man, I hope I get this new job. Then we won't have to worry.

JAN

We won't. What about me? I'll have to find a job too.

BRAD

But this job is great. I'll be making almost $10 an hour. That's the best I've ever made as a cook.

JAN

But then I'll have to quit my job back home and we'll be out that money.

BRAD

Maybe you won't have to get a job. Maybe we can have a baby.

(Snuggles up to her)

JAN

We can't afford that.

(Pushes him away)

BRAD

It'll work out.

(Snuggles up to her again)

JAN

I don't know...

BRAD

Well, can we at least think about it

JAN

Think, yes. Do, no.

BRAD

Maybe we should practice?

JAN

Practice?

BRAD

Making babies.

JAN

I suppose we could... practice.

BRAD

(Pulls off shirt)

In the shower?

JAN

(Kicks off shoes)

Why not?

(They kiss, then go into bathroom and close the door)
(NICK and MEG come down the hall to their room)

NICK

I hope that stuff will work.

MEG

It should.

NICK

Here we go. Prepare for battle.

MEG

You want me to do it?

NICK

Nope. I'll kill that evil, smelly beast. Hand over the phaser. Set on maximum kill.

MEG

There you go, Commander Dorkface.

NICK

Shields at full strength. Red alert!

(Opens door)

Ah! The atmosphere is deadly than I thought.

(Falls to his knees)

The pain!

MEG

Will you just spray the air freshener?

NICK

(Sprays)

Take that you evil, smelly thing.

(Goes inside)

And that... and that.

MEG

Okay, that;s good enough. You're going to choke on that spray in there.

NICK

No, I'm not. I'm...

(cough)

fine.

(Comes out)

MEG

Better?

NICK

Better.

MEG

Good.

NICK

TV time.

(Gets remote and turns it on)

MEG

(Sits on bed)

I don't know if I can stand this bed all night.

NICK

I can go get the tent and set it up in here.

MEG

That might work actually.

NICK

(Sits on bed)

Wow, they even have movies channels.

MEG

They probably have cable because of all the old folks living here.

NICK

A hometel? I don't think I have ever heard of anything so weird in my entire life.

MEG

I doubt they can keep this working as a motel. The place is a dump.

NICK

Wouldn't it be depressing if this is all you could afford to live in when you got older? Shoot me if I'm old enough and poor enough to have to live in a hometel okay?

MEG

It's the Kavorkian retirement community for you huh?

NICK

You bet. When I'm old and useless, take me out with the horse and shoot me.

MEG

Remind me to get a large life insurance policy on you.

NICK

Hey, look! The Sci Fi Channel.

MEG

I may collect on it sooner than you think.

NICK

Look! Wonder Woman reruns. I haven't seen this show in forever.

MEG

What a shame. Good thing I brought a book.

(Gets out book and sits on chair)

Ow!

(She jumps up and looks for something to put on chair. Meanwhile, in the hallway, an old person, FRAN, comes out of her room next to BRAD and JAN. FRAN pokes her head out curiously and goes up to door their door. She listens then knocks. No response. Knocks again)

FRAN

What's going on it there? Something wrong with your shower?

(No response)

Sounds like you got a pig stuck in your drain or something.

(Goes back to room. MEG settles down in the chair after finding something to sit on. NICK is engrossed with the TV)

JAN

(Pokes her head out. She still mostly dressed)

I swear I heard someone knocking.

BRAD

(Follows her out in pants only)

Come on, baby. Let's shower. The water's finally hot.

JAN

I swore somebody was knocking.

(She peeks out the door to the hall)

This place gives me the creeps.

(Shuts the door)

BRAD

(Can tell she's not in the mood now)

No shower then?

JAN

I'll shut off the shower. Hand me my bag. I'm going to change.

(BRAD gives her an overnight bag of clothes and she goes in the bathroom)

BRAD

I wish I'd brought my guitar. I'm gonna get out of practice on this trip.

(Looks in his bag. Takes out a shirt and sniffs it. It doesn't smell too bad so he puts it on)

I hope the guys in the band don't get too ticked off that I canceled our gig this weekend.

JAN

(Comes out in simple cotton nightgown)

This job interview is way more important than playing in a bar.

BRAD

I guess.

JAN

Joe takes most of the money. You hardly get anything.

BRAD

He's the lead singer and the manager. It's his band.

JAN

He'd sure look pretty silly up there singing without any backup.

BRAD

I hope he doesn't find another lead guitarist while I'm gone.

JAN

I thought you wanted to quit the band and start your own here.

BRAD

(Sounds unsure)

Yeah.

JAN

If you don't want to leave home, then we don't have to.

BRAD

But my cooking job at home sucks. They treat me like crap and I'm tired of it. It's been like a hundred and fifty degrees in the kitchen this summer and they won't get the air conditioning fixed.

JAN

Can't they get in trouble for that? Bad work conditions and all that...

BRAD

If we complain, we get canned.

JAN

I could complain for you...

BRAD

They'd figure it out. This ain't a big chain like Pizza Heaven. We don't got any rights where I work.

JAN

Every worker has rights.

BRAD

Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it.

JAN

You could always come work for me at Pizza Heaven. They say I might be manager when Peg transfers to the new store downtown.

BRAD

Work for my wife? Are you kidding?

JAN

Why not?

BRAD

The guys will never let me live that one down.

JAN

Who cares what they think?

BRAD

I care. I care what they think. I care about my rock band. I care about being treated like a human being at work. I want to make it on my own. I don't want my wife helping me. You just don't get it, do you?!

(Stomps out door and up the hallway)

JAN: Brad! Wait.

(She grabs him and he pulls away and leaves)

Brad!

(She races after him. FRAN sticks her head out. She looks around. During the following exchange between NICK and MEG, FRAN goes into JAN and BRAD's room and pokes around. FRAN ends up in the bathroom just before BRAD and JAN return. NICK flips through the channels)

MEG

Can't you stick with one channel?

NICK

Why? This is much more interesting.

MEG

But how can you stand it? Don't you want to know what happens in a show?

NICK

See, that's the problem. There are about five shows on that I'd like to watch. I skillfully surf between them, checking on the progress of each show.

MEG

Why don't you pick the most interesting show and stick with it?

NICK

None of them are that interesting. I mean, look at this show. The characters are sketchy. The plot is limping along. I already know who the killer is and the show's only half over.

MEG

Then don't watch TV. Live it up. Read a book.

NICK

I could write way better stuff than this.

MEG

I would agree with that. Unfortunately you don't know anyone in Hollywood.

NICK

I would kill for a chance to be a writer for Hollywood. If only they'd let new people break into the business. If you're not somebody's relative, you're out of luck.

MEG

Maybe one day you'll stumble upon someone who can help you out.

NICK

I'd give up my job in a second to write for TV.

MEG

And promptly starve.

NICK

Ergo, that's why I channel surf.

MEG

That's one of the most complicated pieces of logic I've ever heard.

NICK

Oh, great. The remote is stuck. The channels won't stop changing.

(Realizes the advantage)

Hey! This is kinda cool.

(MEG gets up and hits the TV and it stops. Tries the remote)

Now the channels won't change at all. It had to be stuck with the Home Shopping Network, didn't it? Why God? Why couldn't it be anything but the Home Shopping Network? Now I'll never know if the Dukes of Hazard get away.

MEG

(Turns off TV)

Trust me, they do.

NICK

Hey! They just had a great deal on a cubic zirconia.

MEG

(Sits by NICK on the bed)

Pay attention to me.

NICK

(Reaches for her)

Want to fool around?

MEG

I want to talk.

NICK

Then can we fool around afterwards?

MEG

I don't feel like it tonight.

NICK

(Turns back on TV)

What do you want to talk about?

MEG

Never mind.

(She goes back to her chair and reads. NICK tries to fix the TV. FRAN goes in bathroom. BRAD and JAN return)

JAN

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

BRAD

It's okay. I was being a jerk.

JAN

No, you're right. I need to let you do things on your own.

BRAD

It's just hard to have my wife be more successful than me. I was raised with the man being the bread winner. I feel a lot of pressure to be the one who takes care of everything.

JAN

That's why we're here, aren't we? So you can get a better job.

BRAD

But what about your manager job?

JAN

I'll find something else. Don't worry.

BRAD

You're the best.

(They kiss. LADY appears at end of hall and shakes her head in disgust)

JAN

Wanna take another shower?

BRAD

Sure.

(They enter the room)

NICK

(Gets TV fixed)

YES!

JAN

You know, you're pretty sexy when you're mad.

BRAD

Cool.

(They start to kiss, then they hear a flush)

JAN

What was that?

BRAD

Someone's in our bathroom.

JAN

I'll go get the manager.

BRAD

Tell her to call the cops.

JAN

(Goes out into hall and sees LADY)

Hey!

LADY

No refunds!

(She disappears)

JAN

Oh, great.

BRAD

What are we going to do?

JAN

I don't know.

BRAD

Maybe we should just leave.

JAN

But all my stuff is in there.

BRAD

(Looks through his bag)

Here.

(Pulls out his shaving cream)

We'll squirt him in the eyes with this.

JAN

Good idea.

BRAD

You get him to come out.

JAN

Why me?

BRAD

Because you're closer.

JAN

You've got the weapon.

BRAD

Fine. I'll do it.

JAN

Hey! I'll get the bed cover and throw it over him as he runs out. We'll tackle him and tie him down.

BRAD

Okay. Let's do it.

(JAN grabs the bed cover and BRAD sneaks up to the bathroom)

Ready? One, two, three...

(Runs into bathroom yelling and spraying. FRAN screams and runs out with shaving cream all over her. JAN throws bed cover over her and they tackle her)

JAN

I got her! I got her!

NICK

What is going on over there? I swear these walls are paper thin.

MEG

Just turn up the TV if it's bothering you.

(NICK turns up the TV)

JAN

He's not moving.

BRAD

Take off the bed cover. I'm ready for him.

JAN

(Pulls off cover)

It's an old lady!

BRAD

You're kidding.

JAN

Look!

BRAD

How come she's not moving?

JAN

(Gets up. Gasps)

I think we killed her.

BRAD

Oh, no. OHH, no.

JAN

What are we going to do?

BRAD

Uh... uh... Put her in the bathroom.

JAN

And then what?

BRAD

I get that big bag that's covering my nice interview clothes. We'll put her in that and dump her in the ocean.

JAN

What?

BRAD

I saw that in a movie last night.

JAN

And what happened to the killers in the movie?

BRAD

Uh... well... They were caught and put in prison.

JAN

Oh, no. OHH, no.

BRAD

Do you have any better ideas?

JAN

Let's do it.

(They carry FRAN into the bathroom and then JAN and BRAD go up the hall out to their car)

NICK

Has TV gotten worse or have I gotten more conservative?

MEG

I think it's gotten worse.

NICK

The swearing, the sex, the violence...

MEG

And that's just the evening news.

NICK

Pretty soon Mr. Rogers is going to be teaching gun safety to five year olds. I've always thought Mr. McFeely was looking a little disgruntled. I'll bet he goes postal one of these days.

MEG

Can we talk about something besides TV for once?

NICK

Sure.

(Turns off TV)

What do you want to talk about?

MEG

(Shocked)

You turned off the TV?

NICK

Why not?

MEG

(Melodramatic. Goes and kisses NICK)

You really do love me.

(FRAN comes out of bathroom looking dazed. She stumbles out into room and then out into the hall. She ends up back in her room)

NICK

Don't be silly. So what's on your mind?

MEG

(Paces around the room)

I'm not sure I want to go home.

NICK

What?

MEG

I don't think I can stand teaching anymore.

NICK

You've always hated teaching. I'm surprised you haven't quit.

MEG

There are things I like about it. Some of the kids are great.

NICK

And some of them aren't...

MEG

Teaching is fun sometimes.

NICK

When the principal isn't breathing down our necks...

MEG

I don't know if I can stand another year there.

NICK

We can quit our jobs.

MEG

No, we can't.

NICK

There are other jobs out there. We'll find something.

MEG

I doubt it.

NICK

We can try at least.

MEG

I don't know. What about you? Do you want to quit?

NICK

I don't care really. I'm fine either way.

MEG

But I thought you didn't like teaching there either.

NICK

I don't.

MEG

So let's quit.

NICK

If you want to.

MEG

But do you want to?

NICK

It doesn't matter to me.

MEG

Then you don't want to quit?

NICK

I will if you will.

MEG

So you want to?

NICK

I guess so.

MEG

You have to be sure.

NICK

I'm sure.

MEG

I'm not sure we should though.

NICK

(Sighs)

Then what do you want to do?

MEG

I don't want to work for Principal Baldy anymore.

NICK

Principal Baldy. I like that.

MEG

I dare you to say it to his face.

NICK

Then he'd fire us and we wouldn't have to quit.

MEG

So you want to quit?

NICK

Only if you want to quit.

MEG

But I don't know if I want to.

NICK

Then don't.

MEG

But you want to.

NICK

I didn't say that.

MEG

But you don't like working there.

NICK

I guess not.

MEG

Then we should quit.

NICK

If you think we should.

MEG

I don't think it's a good idea.

NICK

Then we shouldn't.

MEG

But you won't be happy, will you?

NICK

I'm fine.

MEG

(Getting annoyed)

Are you really?

NICK

Sure.

MEG

(Getting frustrated)

You don't sound sure.

NICK

I'm sure. What about you? Are you sure you want to stay?

MEG

Not really.

NICK

So we should quit then.

MEG

(Getting annoyed and frustrated)

So you do want to quit.

NICK

If you say so.

MEG

Is this conversation going anywhere?

NICK

Do you think it's going anywhere?

MEG

If you don't want to talk about it, we don't have to.

(Hands him the control and heads for the bathroom)

Just watch your stupid TV and forget about it.

(She slams the bathroom door. NICK is speechless. After a few seconds, MEG stomps out and gets the air freshener, sprays it in bathroom, then goes in and shuts the door. She coughs then it is quiet)

NICK

You okay?

(MEG coughs again and doesn't reply. NICK shrugs and turns on the TV. BRAD and JAN return with a large bag)

BRAD

I hope this is big enough.

JAN

We looked all over the car for something bigger. This will have to do.

(LADY appears and calls out to them)

LADY

You dropped something.

BRAD

Don't worry about it.

JAN

You can keep it.

LADY

But I don't want it.

BRAD

Neither do we.

(They enter the room quickly and shut the LADY out)

LADY

Some people are so weird.

(Knocks on FRAN's door)

You need anything?

(Door opens)

What happened to you?

(LADY goes in FRAN'S room)

JAN

I hope this works.

BRAD

It will. Go get the body.

JAN

No, you go get it.

BRAD

Fine.

(He goes and then freezes)

She's gone!

JAN

What?!

BRAD

She's not here!

JAN

Where'd she go?

BRAD

How should I know?

JAN

I wonder if someone found her?

BRAD

I'll bet the cops are on their way now. We've got to get out of here.

JAN

No, wait. We'll just explain what happened. They'll understand.

BRAD

I doubt it.

JAN

We both have perfectly clean records. We don't have anything to worry about.

BRAD

Well'

JAN

Well, what?

BRAD

There was this one time, before we were married'

JAN

Oh, great. Now you tell me. I thought we weren't going to keep any secrets from each other.

BRAD

I wanted to tell you but it's kind of embarrassing.

JAN

I think you need to tell me.

BRAD

Once the guys in the band and me... we...

JAN

It's okay, Brad. You can tell me.

BRAD

We got paid to dress up like women and play at some gay couple's bachelor party.

JAN

(Tries not to laugh)

You're kidding.

BRAD

It's not funny.

JAN

Sorry.

BRAD

I knew I shouldn't have told you about this.

JAN

I said I'm sorry. I just can't imagine you in a dress.

BRAD

This is why I didn't tell you about it. I knew you'd react this way.

JAN

Look, I'm not laughing anymore. So how did the cops get involved?

BRAD

The bachelors drank a lot and got pretty wild. The neighbors called in the cops and we were all arrested.

JAN

At least you didn't murder anyone.

BRAD

I sure wanted to.

(LADY comes angrily out of FRAN's room and knocks on BRAD and JAN's door)

It's the cops!

JAN

What should we do?

BRAD

Hide in the bathroom...

JAN

But...

(LADY pounds harder)

BRAD

Come on!

(They hide in bathroom)

LADY

(Pounds)

Open up!

NICK

(Comes out of his room. MEG comes out of bathroom and sits on

the bed)

Can you keep it down please?

LADY

You get what you pay for, buddy.

(NICK is about to say something in return but changes his mind and returns to his room)

NICK

That lady is psycho.

MEG

I hope it quiets down soon. I want to get some sleep.

LADY

I know you're in there. If you don't open the door, I'm going to break it down.

NICK

Doesn't she have a key? This is her motel.

MEG

Hometel.

NICK

Helltel.

LADY

I'm giving you to the count of three. One, two... two and a half...

NICK

Two and three quarters.

LADY

(Crosses to NICK and MEG's door and knocks)

Open up!

NICK

(Opens door)

Can I help you?

LADY

I need you to break down that door.

NICK

Don't you have an extra key?

LADY

Not to that room. The last person who stayed there took it.

MEG

Then call a locksmith.

LADY

I'll give you your 20 bucks back if you help.

(MEG takes the money)

MEG

Break down the door, dear.

NICK

But...

LADY

This is my hometel and I want that door broken down.

NICK

(Shrugs)

If you say so.

(Backs up into their room)

Here goes...

MEG

Have you tried

(Opens door. It wasn't locked. NICK charges across hall and stumbles into the open room)

NICK

What happened?

MEG

It wasn't locked.

NICK

(To LADY)

You didn't check?

LADY

There's criminals in here. I figured they'd be smart enough to lock the door.

NICK

Criminals?

MEG

Did you call the police?

LADY

I suppose I should call them.

MEG

Good idea. Let's go, dear.

NICK

Good luck.

LADY

Thanks for nothing. Now about that 20 bucks.

MEG

Sorry. No refunds.

(MEG and NICK enter their room and shut the door)

LADY

Hey! I want my money back.

MEG

Turn on the TV. Nice and loud.

NICK

If you say so.

(Turns on TV loud)

LADY

(Bangs on NICK and MEG's room)

Open up!

(BRAD and JAN come out of bathroom)

JAN

She doesn't have a key to this room. Quick, lock the door.

BRAD

(Runs and locks door)

Got it!

LADY

Hey!

(Goes to BRAD and JAN's door and starts pounding)

Open up!

JAN

Turn on the radio. Nice and loud.

BRAD

(Turns up radio)

There we go.

JAN

You can't even hear her now.

BRAD

What?!

JAN

Wanna dance?

(BRAD and JAN jam to some tunes. NICK watches TV. MEG puts in ear plugs and reads. LADY bangs on their doors some then throws her hands up in defeat as the lights fade to black)

SCENE 2

(Lights come up. NICK is on the bed, upside down, sleepily clicking through channels. MEG has her pillow over her head. BRAD and JAN are sleeping. LADY is passed out in the hallway, exhausted)

MEG

(Sits up)

What a night. Did you get any sleep?

NICK

Are you kidding? The couple across the hall had their radio on full blast. I decided I might as well watch TV if I couldn't sleep.

(BRAD gets up sleepily and turns off radio. Exits to bathroom)

MEG

I think he turned the radio off.

NICK

Thank goodness.

(Turns off the TV)

I think I've had enough TV to last me at least a week.

MEG

I'll believe that when I see it.

NICK

Trust me on this one. I'm swearing off TV.

MEG

Forever?

NICK

Are you kidding? Just a week... maybe...

(Plops down on bed)

I think I can sleep now.

MEG

I think I might try some more myself.

JAN

What a night... I wonder if there's anything good on the morning news...

(Turns on TV loud)

NICK

Uhhhh

MEG

So much for sleep.

NICK

I can't believe this place.

BRAD

Good morning, honey doll.

JAN

Morning.

MEG

Why don't we drive up the road until we find an isolated hotel with grossly high prices and room service and sleep for a day or two?

NICK

Sounds good to me.

JAN

Oh, my gosh. Look at this.

BRAD

What?

JAN

The local news.

BRAD

Turn it up.

(JAN does)

NEWS

Police converge on a local motel after receiving reports of a murder...

BRAD

(Turns off TV)

We've got to get out of here.

JAN

We shouldn't run. We should stop and explain.

BRAD

Are you kidding? You think a small town sheriff is going to take the word of a punk like me. No way.

(They quickly pack)

MEG

I suppose we better get going.

NICK

I need some coffee... bad.

BRAD

I'll go out and check to see if the hallway's empty.

JAN

Be careful.

MEG

You sure you don't want to get some more sleep?

NICK

I just want to get out of here. I want this whole night to fade away like a bad memory.

(They pack their stuff)

BRAD

(Goes out and see LADY motionless on the floor)

Oh, no! Ohh, no!

JAN

(Looks)

Not another one!

MEG

Let me freshen up and then we can go.

(MEG goes in bathroom)

JAN

What are we going to do?

NICK

I'll take our bags out to the car.

MEG

Okay.

BRAD

Let's get her inside the room and then get out of here.

(BRAD starts dragging LADY into room. NICK walks out and sees BRAD dragging LADY)

BRAD and NICK

Ah!

(NICK shuts door and BRAD drags LADY inside their room. MEG runs out of bathroom)

MEG and JAN

What's wrong?

NICK

I... I...

BRAD

Some guy saw me dragging her in here.

JAN

What do we do?

MEG

Are you okay?

NICK

Na na

MEG

What's wrong?

NICK

The killers... I saw the killers...

MEG

What?

BRAD

He probably thinks I killed her.

JAN

But we didn't.

NICK and BRAD

What do we do?

MEG

Call the police.

NICK

We don't have a phone.

JAN

We'll sneak out the window in the bathroom.

(JAN and BRAD rush into bathroom)

NICK

We'll have to go into the hallway and use the phone out front.

MEG

Let's go then.

NICK

The killer knows I saw him though. He'll be after me.

MEG

We can go out the bathroom window.

(NICK and MEG rush into bathroom)

JAN

We can't fit through the window. Now what do we do?

BRAD

We'll run for it.

JAN

I don't know what else to do.

BRAD

Let's go.

JAN

I can't forget my bag.

(Runs to bathroom)

MEG

Bathroom window's too small. I'll check to see if their door is closed. If it is, we'll make a break for it.

NICK

Okay. Sounds good.

BRAD

Ready?

JAN

Ready.

(MEG slowly opens the door as JAN throws it open)

JAN and MEG

Ah!

(Doors slam closed)

She saw me!

BRAD and NICK

What are we going to do?

MEG

We have to remain calm. Take a deep breath.

(All four take a deep breath)

Better?

NICK

Not really.

JAN

We could just tell them the truth.

BRAD

They won't believe us. Look how scared they are.

NICK

Maybe we can get someone's attention out the bathroom window.

MEG

Good idea.

(They rush back into bathroom)

BRAD

What we need is a miracle...

(LADY starts to move and moan)

JAN

Oh, my God.

BRAD

She's alive!

LADY

Where am I?

BRAD

You see... there we these people. They attacked you.

JAN

Brad...

LADY

Must have been those folks across the hall. I'll teach them a lesson they'll never forget.

(She rushes out and bangs on MEG and NICK's door)

BRAD

(Grabs JAN's arm)

Let's go!

(They rush out)

LADY

(Bangs on door)

Open up!

(NICK and MEG come out of bathroom)

NICK

It can't be!

LADY

Open this stupid door right now or you'll be sorry.

MEG

It is!

(NICK and MEG throw open the door and hug LADY)

NICK

You're alive!

MEG

I'm so glad you're okay!

LADY

(Pushes them away)

Get off of me.

MEG

We were so worried about you.

NICK

You wouldn't believe what we thought happened.

MEG

This sure takes a load off our minds.

(MEG gets bags)

NICK

We can leave and feel like everything is resolved. There's nothing better than a happy ending, is there?

MEG

Ready?

NICK

Ready.

MEG

Bye, now.

(NICK and MEG go)

LADY

This has to be the weirdest day of my life.

(FRAN comes out of her room. Watches NICK and MEG go, then passes out. Lights fade to black)

END OF PLAY