Silent but Deadly

INT. ORIENTAL COUNSELING SERVICES ZEN GARDEN.  DAY.

(JJ walks up to a sandy field.  An old Asian looking man, MASTER, is raking the sand.  JJ walks up to him and MASTER continues to rake and ignores JJ)

JJ

Is this...

MASTER

Shh...

(A NINJA, aka Silent but Deadly, screams and flies out of the bushes.  MASTER quickly subdues her)

MASTER (CONT.)

You have failed again, Silent but deadly.

(NINJA stomps off all pouty)

MASTER (CONT.)

See you next Tuesday.

(NINJA makes an uncomplimentary gesture and leaves (or so we think).  JJ looks in amazement as MASTER returns to his raking)

JJ

Do I get to learn to be a ninja!

MASTER

No.

JJ

Why not?

MASTER

You are too stupid to be a ninja.

JJ

How did you know that?  I mean... I am not.

MASTER

What is the square root of four?

JJ

Uh... could I have another question?

MASTER

See... tooooooo stupid.

JJ

I'm leaving.

MASTER

Yes, run, redneck... run back to jail.

JJ

Okay... maybe I'm staying.

MASTER

You afraid?

JJ

Of prison?  Oh, yeah.

MASTER

Fear will only crush you.

JJ

Have you ever been to prison?

(NINJA flies out of bushes again.  MASTER quickly subdues her.  She slinks away)

JJ (CONT.)

Man, I want to do that.

MASTER

Okay.

JJ

What?

MASTER

I will teach you now.

(MASTER gives JJ the rake)

MASTER (CONT.)

Rake.

JJ

Yeap.  That's a rake.

MASTER

Rake the sand.

JJ

Uh.. okay.

(JJ starts raking.  MASTER gets a lawn chair and a drink watches JJ rake)

JJ (CONT.)

Am I done yet?

MASTER

No.

JJ (CONT.)

Am I done yet?

MASTER

No.

JJ (CONT.)

Am I done yet?

(MASTER sighs and gets a blindfold and goes up to JJ)

MASTER

We will make a sacred pact.

(MASTER gets headband and puts it over JJ's eyes.)

MASTER (CONT.)

I promise to teach you the ways of the Ninja.  You promise to learn.  I say.  You do.  No questions asked.

(JJ wanders off unable to see.)

MASTER (CONT.)

Deal?

JJ

Uh... okay.

(JJ wanders back and Master picks up a rock)

MASTER (CONT.)

Trust your feelings... feel the rock. See it with your mind.

JJ

What?

(JJ wanders off stage. MASTER throws the rock and hits JJ)

JJ (OFF)

Ow!

(NINJA crosses the stage holding a sign that says "Week 1" - Master is back in lawn chair, eating a banana. JJ crosses the stage with car wax materials and is doing waxing motions. Inspirational pop music can play during the three weeks of training)  

MASTER

Wax on.  Wax off. Wax on.  Wax off. Wax on.  Wax off. (etc.)

(JJ exits still doing waxing motions. MASTER tosses the banana peel off after JJ and he is heard crashing off stage)

(NINJA crosses the stage with a sign that says "Week 2" - JJ has a paint brush and is making painting motions)

MASTER

Go up.  Get down.  Go up.  Get down. (etc.)

(NINJA crosses the stage with a sign that says "Week 3" - JJ goes across the stage like he is opening and shutting a door)

MASTER

Open the door, shut the door, open the door, shut the door, (etc.)

(JJ goes across the stage doing some weird motions. The MASTER stops him)

MASTER

Do you think you're ready JJ San?

JJ

Uh...

(Suddenly NINJA jumps out of bushes)

MASTER

Now!

(JJ attacks NINJA.  JJ does moves MASTER calls out)

MASTER (CONT.)

Wax on.  Wax off.  Go up.  Go down.

(JJ's "Go up" move is an upper-cut.  JJ's "Get down" is a 70's Saturday Night Fever type move.) 

MASTER (CONT.)

Open the door. Shut the door!

(NINJA has her back to the audience.  JJ thrusts his hand into her stomach on "shut the door") 

MASTER (CONT.)

Open the door.

(JJ pulls back his hand. JJ makes a karate cry. NINJA grabs her stomach)  

NINJA

I've gotta pee.

(NINJA runs off)

MASTER

Well done, JJ-san.

(JJ walks proudly off stage)

MASTER

Watch out for the...

JJ (OFF)

Ow!

MASTER

Rake.

(Master sit in meditation. JJ returns rubbing his head)) 

MASTER

You have achieved much, JJ-san.  You are now ready for your purpose.

JJ

My purpose?

(Master hands JJ a fortune cookie)

JJ (CONT.)

Oh, I love these.  You know if you add the words "on the potty" at the end of every fortune, it's hilarious.

(JJ reads some real fortunes and adds "on the potty" at end.  He's laughing, having a good time.  Master leaves in disgust.  JJ eventually realizes he's gone)

JJ (CONT.)

Dang.  I wonder which one of these was my purpose?

END OF PLAY