CAST OF CHARACTERS

(4 actors any gender)

PAT and ROBIN are travelers who get lost and find a strange bed and breakfast.

SERVANT is a strange, creepy worker at the bed and breakfast.

MASTER is a fantasy role players game leader who is over-dramatic and a little scary.

SCENE (The Hands of Fate)

(Lights come up on a Bed and Breakfast. But it is a most unusual BnB. It is the D&D BnB which is a role playing game themed hotel for players of the game “Damsels and Dominions.” The decor is filled with medieval fantasy props and art. A strange SERVANT who dresses in a medieval fantasy costume lurks around the room, being creepy and mysterious. Suddenly the front door opens and SERVANT hides. PAT and ROBIN enter)

PAT

Where are we?

ROBIN

The GPS says Las Vegas.

PAT

This is not Las Vegas.

ROBIN

It kind of looks like a theme hotel. Excalibur maybe.

PAT

I told you not to buy a GPS off of eBay.

ROBIN

But it was a great deal.

PAT

It looks three months from a slow boat from China and now we find out it doesn’t even work right.

ROBIN

But look at this place. It’s really interesting.

PAT

Interesting is a word.  And it’s not quite the right word for this place.

ROBIN

We might have found a diamond in the rough.

PAT

We found the rough. Waiting for the diamond.

(SERVANT emerges)

PAT

There it is.

ROBIN

Uh… hi…

SERVANT

Visitors… I must tell the Master we have visitors.

PAT

The Master? Is it like the front desk guy or something.

SERVANT

The Master is all… he is… the Master.

PAT

The Master of what?

SERVANT

Of this Dominion!

ROBIN

Dominion huh?  I could have swore this was a hotel.

SERVANT

It is the D&D BnB. A paradise for gamers who play “Damsels and Dominions.”

PAT

The old role playing game. People still play that?

(SERVANT comes at him angrily)

SERVANT

We do!

(SERVANT calms down)

SERVANT (CONT.)

Well, the Master does.  He is the greatest Dominion Master in the history of the game.

ROBIN

Yeah, his name sounds familiar… The Master.  I swear I’ve heard that name before.

SERVANT

He is very famous.

PAT

Well, it was nice meeting you… but we still have a long way to go.  Just point us the right way for Vegas.

SERVANT

But it is getting late… and the Master has been expecting you.

ROBIN

Expecting us.

SERVANT

He said guests were coming today… He is so wise and wonderful. He foresaw your arrival.

PAT

Maybe the expected ones are right behind us. We just stopped for directions.

(SERVANT blocks their way)

SERVANT

It is your destiny to be here.  There are no others.

ROBIN

Looks like there haven’t been any others for a long time.

SERVANT

Very long time.

PAT

This looks like a very pleasant place and the theme is to die for, but we really must be going. I have a date with a hot tub.

SERVANT

I can make a hot bath for you while you wait for the Master. Boiling hot. The hottest. So hot it peels the outmost layer of your skin. You’ll feel reborn.

ROBIN

Oh, that sounds lovely.

(SERVANT locks the door and starts to go)

PAT

You distract him and I’ll make a run for it.

ROBIN

Then how do I escape?

PAT

I’ll go get help.

ROBIN

Thanks… you’re a real hero.

(ROBIN holds up cell phone)

ROBIN (CONT.)

When did our cell phones last work?  

PAT

About 15 miles ago I think.

ROBIN

This place is loaded with weapons. Grab a sword or a battle ax or something and we’ll fight our way out.

(PAT and ROBIN go for weapons. MASTER enters with SERVANT)

MASTER

Yes!  Arm yourselves! And prepare for the battle of your life!

SERVANT

It’s the Master. The Master is here.  The Master is in the house.

MASTER

So you have dared to enter my Dominion?!

PAT

Only by mistake.  Big misunderstand. We’ll go now. Bye bye.

MASTER

You must stay and face your fates!  As my guests.

ROBIN

See we have reservations already in Vegas…

MASTER

Nonsense!  You will stay here, with me, at the finest Damsel and Dominion themed established ever conceived!

PAT

Finest? And only?

MASTER

Yes, it is one of a kind! We are the only and best!

ROBIN

Hard to duplicate this kind of uniqueness.

MASTER

I will have my servant prepare your rooms.

PAT

That’s not necessary.

MASTER

You will stay!  Or you will pay!

ROBIN

What?

SERVANT

The first night is free of charge. Unless you leave early, then you will have to pay.

MASTER

Survive one night with me and then it is free.

PAT

That’s the worst freebie I’ve ever been offered I think.

ROBIN

So we get a free night if we don’t leave?

MASTER

Correct!

ROBIN

It’s worth a shot.

PAT

What?

ROBIN

I’m on a limited budget. A free night would be nice.

PAT

What’s the catch?

MASTER

You must survive a night of play Damsels and Domonions with the Master!

ROBIN

But we’ve never played.

MASTER

What?!  This is blasphemy.

(He starts hitting SERVANT)

MASTER (CONT.)

How dare you bring me Noobs!

PAT

Wait, wait. We’ve played. Remember back in 1982 after we say Return of the Jedi for the 12th time we went over to Bill’s house and played.

ROBIN

Oh, that’s right.

PAT

See, we’ve been play since 1982.

ROBIN

That’s a very long time ago.

MASTER

Indeed. You must be excellent players.

PAT

We’re off the chart.

MASTER

Then let the games begin!

(MASTER exits)

PAT

You okay?

(SERVANT nods)

SERVANT

The Master is a kind and good Master. He takes good care of me and allows me to serve him.

ROBIN

How nice for the Master.

PAT

What do we do now?

SERVANT

Dinner is first.

ROBIN

Dinner? I thought this was a bed and breakfast.

SERVANT

We serve dinner instead of breakfast. I must go prepare it for you.

PAT

Wash your hands first.

(SERVANT looks at his filthy hands)

SERVANT

Master says I must never wash these. They are the hands of fate.

(SERVANT sniffles and wipes his nose with his hand and exits)

ROBIN

I wonder if the dinner is free?

PAT

You’re going to eat it?

ROBIN

I never turn down a free meal.

PAT

You’re stomach might turn it down though.

(MASTER enters)

MASTER

Welcome Damsel and Dominion players to your evening dining experience. A complete adventure meal guided by yours truly, the Dominion Master.  Enter players and face your fates!

(SERVANT urges PAT and ROBIN to sit)

MASTER (CONT.)

We will begin our meal by entering a mysterious cavern.  You approach a light flickering in the distance. There you see little waterfalls that line the cavern wall. A mysterious voice rings out, “Drink! And be made wiser! Drink! And be made stronger! Drink! Or you’ll be cast out from this magical realm… forever!” You fill your goblets with the mysterious waters. But which one will you choose?

(SERVANT enters with a tray of goblets)

MASTER (CONT.)

One goblet is a magical sparkling fairy brew.

PAT

Looks like soda pop.

MASTER

These are not drinks for mortals. Be wary of their magical gifts. Some will bring you great power! While others may curse you.

ROBIN

A lot of energy drinks are like that.

MASTER

Next there is devil’s blood.

PAT

Looks like tomato juice.

ROBIN

Or fruit punch.

MASTER

Cast your die. And see which goblet you will choose.

PAT

Huh?

SERVANT

Roll the dice.

ROBIN

It’s like a board game…. without the board.

PAT

Whatever.

(PAT rolls. SERVANT sighs)

PAT (CONT.)

Look. I’m number one.

MASTER

You receive Dragon’s Spit.

ROBIN

Looks like water.

PAT

A bit cloudy for water.  I hope it’s not real spit.

MASTER

This drink give you -2 confusion.

PAT

You said it.

MASTER

Bring forth the appetizers!

SERVANT

Yes, Master.

(SERVANT goes and gets another tray)

MASTER

The warriors find a secret passage and lead the way into another chamber. It is a treasure chamber!  There are Rings of Power!

PAT

Looks like onion rings.

MASTER

The Shield of Tijuana.

ROBIN

Tortillas with cheese.

MASTER

Cast your die!  And see which treasure you receive.

(ROBIN rolls)

ROBIN

We rolled a 2.

MASTER

You receive the plague!

PAT

Oh, great.

(SERVANT gives them a bowl)

ROBIN

Grasshoppers?!

SERVANT

In some countries, they’re a delicacy.

PAT

Can I trade for the onion rings?

MASTER

There will be no trading! Your fate is destined. Ready yourselves… for you hear a mighty roar from the caverns below.  You hear mighty claws scratching the rock walls and it climbs toward you at lightning speed. The beast bursts into the room. It’s the Bedazzled Beast of Baramouthe.

(SERVANT brings in a large covered dish and growl and pretends like it is a monster)

PAT

Whatever it is, it smells good.

ROBIN

Anything will be better than grasshoppers.

PAT

Oh man. I rolled a 1 again.

(MASTER laughs)

MASTER

Then you only get the bones.

(SERVANT gives them bones)

ROBIN

Better than nothing.

(ROBIN crews on the bones)

PAT

That smelled really good.  Can I roll again?

MASTER

No!  Only the strongest survive.

PAT

I’m not sure you’re going to survive this evening, buddy.

MASTER

Time for dessert.

PAT

Make a good roll.

MASTER

Cast your die!

ROBIN

Lookie there. I got a 20!

MASTER

You will receive the most decadent of desserts.

PAT

It’s about time!  Bring it on!

(SERVERS bring out two covered dishes)

MASTER

Chilled Goblin Brains.

PAT

It looks like real brains.

ROBIN

I lost my appetite.

PAT

Can I trade for some of that roast beast?

MASTER

No trading!

SERVANT

Could be worse.  If you rolled a 1 you would get yellow snow.

PAT

I really want that roast beast.

MASTER

You will now roll and see where you will sleep tonight… the tower! Or the royal suite! Or the dungeon!

ROBIN

Can we each roll and get our own rooms? That will increase our chances of getting something good.

PAT

I’m sleeping in the car.

(PAT exits)

ROBIN

On dear. I rolled a 1.

MASTER

You get the dungeon!

ROBIN

That’s okay. I’ll sleep in the car too.

MASTER

Prepare the iron maiden.

ROBIN

That’s not necessary. Bye bye.

(ROBIN exits. MASTER watches them go and grows sad. MASTER struggles not to cry and wipes his eyes on his sleeve)

MASTER

No one has a good sense of adventure anymore.

SERVANT

May I sleep in the iron maiden, Master?

MASTER

Really?

SERVANT

Yes, Master. I’d like that.

MASTER

You’re a good friend. To the dungeon!

(They exit happily)

END OF SCENE

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