Monster Survival Skills During A Gremlin Outbreak

by D. M. Larson is a stage play script for 3 or more actors

Copyright (c) 2015 All Rights Reserved

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From the play "Control the Future" ISBN-13: 978-1540666581

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MONSTER SURVIVAL SKILLS DURING A GREMLIN OUTBREAK

by D. M. Larson

(This play is written for 3 actors. It can be performed with 2 men and 1 woman or 1 man and 2 women or three women. It can also be played by more actors with the parts of TOM and PAULA divided up between several actors)

(ALAN is up on stage. His students are sitting on stage sitting at an angle to the audience so they look like they are listening to ALAN but the audience can still see their faces)

ALAN

Today we are here to discuss survival skills. What would we do if faced with an uncontrollable threat?

TOM

Werewolves?

PAULA

Vampires?

ALAN

Zombies.

TOM

Oh, man. I’m sick of hearing about zombie attacks.

PAULA

How cliché.

TOM

Zombies aren’t that difficult to deal with. They move like 2 miles an hour.  You just kind of step out of the way when they’re coming.

PAULA

Vampires are the scary ones. They can move with lightning speed and sneak right up on you. It’s so exciting.

TOM

Werewolves are way cooler.  Think of all that power.

ALAN

Fine, then we’ll talk about gremlins.

TOM

Gremlins?

PAULA

Have there been gremlin outbreaks?

ALAN

A few… in Chicago.

TOM

How come that wasn’t on the news?

ALAN

It was very hush, hush. They don’t want people to panic.

PAULA

Wow, gremlins. They’re nasty little creatures.

TOM

They totally are. Hard to get rid of.

PAULA

They make such a mess.

ALAN

Good… so we’ll talk about survival techniques related to gremlins.

PAULA

A vampire can outrun a gremlin though.

TOM

So could a werewolf.

ALAN

Focus people. First of all, I want everyone to check their security cameras. Make sure you have good coverage at all your entrances.  One missed angle or corner gives gremlins a chance to slip through.

PAULA

Vampires are very good at doing that.

TOM

A werewolf would just rip the camera off the wall.

ALAN

Next, you’ll want to improve your lighting. Don’t allow for any dark corners where gremlins can lurk. They love the shadows.

PAULA

Vampires do too.

TOM

Werewolves are so big they make their own shadows.

ALAN

Next, install panic buttons on your computer keyboards or under desks.  You need to be able to alert our security forces as quickly as possible. Often there is not time for a text or phone call, so the panic buttons allow for a quick response.

TOM

Unless it’s zombies.

PAULA

You’d have a good hour before they made it through the door and down the hallway.

ALAN

Gremlins are quick. They won’t give you a moment to think twice about what you’d do. You have to prepare and train because any hesitation will put you in danger.

Drill your staff on what to do and practice, practice, practice. You want their reactions to be second nature. Otherwise they panic and you lose them to the other side.

PAULA

I have a cousin who’s a vampire now.

TOM

I wouldn’t brag about that.

ALAN

You want your staff to be aware of all your escape routes… it’s best to get as many people as possible out of the area so the security team can move in an eliminate the threat without potential casualties getting in the line of fire.

PAULA

But gremlins are fast.  How can we outrun them?

ALAN

You don’t… if you can’t escape safely, then hide… shelter in place.  You need to have designated safe areas selected for hiding during a threat where you can take shelter until the threats are eliminated. Gremlins are light and motion sensitive.  They go after anything that moves.  Your best defense is to hide in a dark room that you can lock. Lock the door and close the blinds.  If the door doesn’t lock then blockade it with heavy furniture. Keep your cell phones off. The light will attract them.

PAULA

Vampires hate the light. I bet you could blind one with your cell phone.

ALAN

If you’re certain you won’t be detected, then contact our security forces. Give them the location of the gremlin infestation, the approximate number of gremlins, the potential victims in the area… details, details, details… the more we know about our enemy, the better prepared we can be.

TOM

Be prepared… that’s my motto.

PAULA

Oh, you made that up yourself huh?

TOM

Yup.

PAULA

You’re so clever and original.

TOM

Thanks.

ALAN

When our security team arrives, stay calm and show them your hands. The hands are the key to anyone who is infected by the gremlins.

PAULA

What happens if you’re infected?

TOM

You don’t want to know.

PAULA

Maybe I do want to know.

TOM

It ain’t pretty.

ALAN

If you’re infested, you’ll have gremlins growing inside you. When they fully mature…

TOM

Here is comes…

ALAN

They eat their way out.

PAULA

I’m sorry I asked.

TOM

I told you so.

ALAN

So keep your hands free and leave behind all your belongings.  We don’t need gremlins sneaking out in your bags or purses.

PAULA

What if you have a designer purse?

ALAN

Leave it.

PAULA

Even if it’s really expensive?

TOM

Especially if it’s really expensive.

ALAN

Avoid sudden movements. Security forces will react to any quick motions. Gremlins are fast and require lighting reflexes so stay calm and move slowly around security. And don’t be a screamer.

(TOM gives PAULA a look)

PAULA

Don’t look at me.

ALAN

That will attract the Gremlins and make security’s job harder.  

TOM

What if you’re stuck for a long time in your shelter?

ALAN

You should have water stored in your shelters… one gallon per person per day… and don’t throw the water on the gremlins! It’s not pretty.

PAULA

Is it true you can throw water on witches though?

ALAN

Yes.

(TOM is taking notes)

TOM

Gremlins no, witches yes.

ALAN

Store at least a three day supply of non-perishable food, the approximate time it takes for a complete gremlin cleanup.  Most other creatures can be cleaned up after in three days or less.

PAULA

What’s the quickest to clean up after?

TOM

Ghosts.

ALAN

Actually ghosts can be pretty messy if they’re ectoplasmic.

TOM

Good point.

PAULA

That’s why you’re the expert.

TOM

Stop brown nosing.

 

ALAN

A whistle is handy in your emergency kit in case you are trapped and need to get security’s attention.

TOM

What about a wolf whistle?  They’re kind of like dog whistles. They hurt werewolves ears. They hate them.

PAULA

Isn’t a wolf whistle what a boy werewolf does if he sees a cute werewolf girl?

TOM

Very funny.

PAULA

I thought so.

TOM

Why are you always talking about vampires?

PAULA

Maybe because I am one.

TOM

Ah!

(PAULA jumps up and TOM runs away)

PAULA

I was just kidding.

(TOM runs back in with a wooden stake.  PAULA screams and runs)

ALAN

Well, that concludes our seminar.  Stay safe everyone.

(TOM runs past screaming with PAULA chasing him now. ALAN ignores them and leaves)

 

END

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