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THE WEIRDEST HONEYMOON EVER

 

By

 

D. M. Larson

 

Copyright (c) 1991, 2005

All Rights Reserved*


 


 

Cast of Characters

(in order of appearance)

 

Pete: The happily married newlywed

whose honeymoon will take a

strange turn.

 

May: PETE'S wife who will have a

similar experience.

 

Doc: An odd character who is the

first to disturb the couple in

more ways than one.

 

John: A man, who also disturbs them,

but his wife is having a baby.

 

Maggie: JOHN'S wife who is heavy with

baby and not happy about it.

 

Frank, Eunice, and Myrtle: Three hippies from a nearby

Commune.

 

 

Time and Place

Late December. A cabin in the mountains.


 

Scene 1

 

(A snowy evening in late December. Lights come up

inside a very rustic cabin. There is an entrance

DR, a doorway L. There is a table but no

chairs. C is a rug. DC is a sketchy area

suggesting a fireplace. Outside the door DR,

PETE and MAY appear)

 

PETE

Are you sure this is the right key?

 

MAY

I think so.

 

PETE

It won't fit.

 

MAY

Okay. Maybe it isn't the right key.

 

PETE

Is this the right cabin?

 

MAY

This is it. See. #1

 

PETE

But the key won't turn.

 

MAY

Maybe the lock's frozen.

 

PETE

Maybe.

 

MAY

Blow on it.

 

PETE

(Embraces MAY)

With pleasure.

 

MAY

Not me. The keyhole. It's cold out here.

(PETE blows on lock)

Did it work?

 

PETE

(Mumbles something)

Mmm lii r stk.

 

MAY

What?

 

PETE

(Lips on keyhole)

My lips are stuck.

 

MAY

You�re kidding?

 

PETE

(Stands and smiles)

I�m kidding.

(Tries key)

Hey, I think that did it.

(They enter. Stage lights are dim. They look for

a light switch with flashlights)

Where's the light switch?

 

MAY

I don't know.

(They look. She finds a lantern)

Here's a lantern.

 

PETE

I guess that's our light.

(MAY lights it with matches that are on the table.

Stage lights come up)

I thought this place had electricity.

 

MAY

Well, the ad did say rustic.

 

PETE

They weren't kidding.

 

MAY

(Trying to be positive)

So, what do you think?

 

PETE
Not much.

 

MAY

Oh, it's not that bad.

(PETE goes to doorway L)

What's in there?

 

PETE

The bedroom I think.

 

MAY

You can't tell?

 

PETE

I've never seen a bed...that well...leaned quite so much to one side.

(Cocks his head to match the tilt of the bed)

 

MAY

Maybe one of the legs is missing.

 

PETE

That should be fun to sleep on.

 

MAY

It could be some new wave thing.

 

PETE

If it is, it's the only thing in here that's not from the 19th century.

 

MAY

We'll find something to put under one side of the bed. It'll be fine.

 

PETE

(Crosses R)

So, where's the bathroom?

 

MAY

(Points to door UR)

There's only one other door, so that must be it.

 

PETE

(Goes to door UR)

I wonder if it has a shower or bathtub.

 

MAY

I hope it's a bathtub. I brought some bubble bath.

 

PETE

(Opens door. Brooms, mops, etc. fall out on him.

MAY chuckles. PETE glares at her)

It's not funny.

 

MAY

Sorry.

 

PETE

No you're not.

 

MAY

You're probably right.

 

PETE

Uh, May?

 

MAY

Yes, Pete.

 

PETE

I do believe there isn't a bathroom. There's only two doors and I've tried them both.

 

MAY

I thought they said there was one when we rented this thing. I was sure to ask about it since this is in the mountains away from everything.

 

PETE

(Looking out window)

I found it.

 

MAY

Where?

(PETE points out window)

Oh, no not an outhouse. I was sure they said...

 

PETE

Since when do businessmen tell the truth? Whatever'll make 'em a buck...

 

MAY

Maybe we just misunderstood.

 

PETE

And maybe we didn't. I wonder what else they lied about.

 

MAY

(Goes to him)

Petey. This is our honeymoon. Can't we make the best of it?

 

PETE

Okay. I guess I can handle an outhouse for a few days.

 

MAY

Thank you.

 

PETE

I'll be back.

(Starts for door DR)

 

MAY

Look at it as an adventure, dear.

(PETE debates about making some sort of reply to

this but decides against it. Exits DR)

I guess I should make a fire.

(Starts DC, but stops)

Or maybe we could make a fire of our own.

(Exits to bedroom L)

Oh, shoot, the bed.

(Comes out, gets a log from DL, exits L)

That should do it. There. Perfect.

(Pause. DR door opens. A hermit [DOC] enters)

Hello, honey.

(DOC looks around confused)

What would you say to our making our own little fire in here?

(DOC gets excited and starts to undress)

 

PETE

(Enters. Sees DOC. Angry)

Who are you?!

 

MAY

(Confused)

Pete?

(Comes out. Still dressed)

Who's that?!

 

PETE

I don't know.

(DOC looks at both of them nervously)

Well?

 

DOC

No hablo ingles.

 

PETE

Funny, you don't look Spanish.

 

DOC

No comprendo.

 

PETE

No habla inglish? Yo hablo espanol tambien. Como esta?

 

DOC

(Looks at PETE with confusion as he speaks. Then

DOC gets disgusted)

Shoot. You'd have to know Spanish wouldn't you?

 

MAY

So you do speak English then.

 

DOC

Unfortunately.

 

PETE

Now, would you mind telling us why you're in our cabin?

 

DOC

I might ask you the same question.

 

MAY

We paid. I have the receipt.

 

PETE

I think you're the one who needs to explain yourself.

 

DOC

Why's that?

 

PETE

(Annoyed)

What are you doing up here in the middle of winter?

 

DOC

What are you doing here?

 

MAY

We're on our honeymoon.

 

DOC

Newlyweds. How sweet.

 

MAY

Thank you.

 

DOC

This is a beautiful place for a honeymoon isn't it?

 

MAY

Yes, it is.

 

PETE

(Angry)

Will you just answer my question?!

 

DOC

Testy aren't we?

 

PETE

Look. We rented this cabin. You didn't. And most people don't just barge in whenever or wherever they please.

 

DOC

I came over here 'cause the owner of the cabins don't usually have people here in the winter. I thought maybe you was criminals or somethin'.

 

MAY

That sounds reasonable to me.

 

PETE

How do we know he isn't lying?

 

MAY

He looks trustworthy enough.

 

PETE

Look at him. Look at the rags he's wearing. He doesn't look very trustworthy to me.

 

DOC

I'm not going to stand around here and be insulted.

 

PETE

Good. Let me get the door for you.

 

MAY

Pete. That's not very nice.

 

DOC

The damage has been done, my dear. There ain't nothing else to be done about it.

(Turns his back but doesn't leave)

 

MAY

(Takes PETE aside)

He seems like a nice man. His intensions were good.

(DOC half listens)

 

PETE

But what's he doing here? He doesn't look like he can afford one of these cabins.

 

DOC
Did you know your new husband was such a snob? First insulting my clothes, then questioning my financial situation�

 

MAY

Yes, Pete. I always knew you were a little stuck up� but to go around insulting strangers.

 

PETE

Stuck up?

 

DOC

You should go around judging people by their appearances. I could be some rich computer guru who likes to get back to nature.

 

PETE

So are you rich?

 

DOC

Does that matter? Do you only associate with the rich?

 

MAY

Pete, you�re being snobby again.

 

PETE

Look, I�m just trying to have a romantic honeymoon with my new bride. We just drove up in the mountains in the middle of winter and got stuck twice on the way here�

 

DOC

Did you know he was so whiney?

 

PETE

Ahh!

 

MAY

Look, let�s start over. Hello, I�m May and this is my husband Pete.

 

DOC

Nice to meet you both. My name�s Doc.

 

PETE

(Mumbles)

Yes, nice to meet you.

 

MAY

There. That�s better.

 

PETE

Doc huh? So you�re a doctor or one of the seven dwarves?

 

MAY

Pete. Please be nice.

 

PETE

Sorry. I was trying to be funny. But when I�m tired and cranky it comes out mean. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

 

DOC

Actually I am a doctor.

 

MAY

See, Pete. He doesn�t look like a doctor but he is one.

 

PETE

Wow, I�m proven wrong once again. I stand corrected. I wish I could sit corrected but there isn�t much to sit on.

 

DOC

Oh, I moved most the furniture over to my cabin.

 

PETE

Could we maybe get some of it back?

 

DOC

Sure, no problem�

(Pause and looks worried)

 

MAY

Is there something wrong?

 

DOC

I kind of lost the key to my cabin and I�m locked out.

 

MAY

How horrible. How long have you been locked out?

 

DOC

Not too long. I was pretty lucky you showed up. I didn�t know what I was going to do.

 

MAY

I�ll bet you�re cold. I wish we had something.

 

DOC

I think all these cabins have the same kitchen supplies. I�ve used up all of them in a couple of these� I mean, I�ve stayed in the cabins many times and they�re all stocked the same. I�ll go whip us up some cocoa.

(Exits)

 

MAY

He�s so nice.

 

PETE

I don�t know, May. I have a bad feeling about this guy. His story doesn�t add up. No key�

 

MAY

He locked himself out.

 

PETE

Using up all the supplies in a couple of cabins�

 

MAY

He explained that.

 

PETE

There�s no way that guy is a doctor�

 

MAY

Mother knew this would happen.

 

PETE

Your mother? What did she say would happen?

 

MAY

She said the minute we got married you�d get all weird.

 

PETE

She� what? I�m not getting weird.

 

MAY

You�re acting so paranoid. I�ve never seen you like this.

 

PETE

May, please. I�m tired and hungry and I�m in the same mountains where the Donner Party spent the winter. Of course I�m acting a little weird.

 

MAY

I feel terrible. I was hoping for a romantic get-away and now we�re fighting instead and I�ve ruined everything.

(Starts crying)

 

PETE

You haven�t ruined everything. This is romantic.

 

MAY

But you haven�t kissed me once since we�ve been here�

 

PETE

I�m sorry.

(Hugs her)

It�s just hard with the seventh dwarf hanging around.

 

MAY

A hug is nice.

 

PETE

Why don�t we see if we can get rid of Dopey and we�ll see if we can�t find that romance we were hoping for.

 

MAY

Okay, but please be nice about it.

 

PETE

I shall try to have proper English manners.

 

DOC

(Enters)

Hot chocolate will be ready soon.

 

PETE

Hot? I didn�t see a stove.

 

DOC

They have camp stoves in the cabinets.

 

MAY

That�s good news.

 

DOC

I can whip us up some grub too.

 

PETE

No, that�s okay. Why don�t we see if we can help you get back into your cabin. I�m sure you�d like to get back to your� solitude.

 

DOC

No, I�m happy visiting with you folks. It gets kind of lonely up here.

(PETE gives MAY a look)

 

MAY

Uh, Doc. Pete and I are kind of on our honeymoon see and�

 

DOC

Oh� I see.

(Kind of hurt)

Well� I understand. I better get going then. I think I can squeeze down the chimney of my cabin. I haven�t tried that yet. It looks like it might be big enough. Could you do me a favor though? If you hear screaming, could you come help me get unstuck.

(MAY starts to object but PETE stops her)

 

PETE

Sure, no problem.

 

DOC

Well, it�s been good meeting you folks. Have a good honeymoon. I�ll try my best not to both you. I�ll even leave the lights off so you can feel like you�re all alone out here. Some people like to feel alone�

(Heads for door)

 

PETE

Okay, then. See you later.

 

MAY

(Aside to PETE)

Oh, come on, Pete. Look how lonely he is.

(DOC slows his walk toward the door)

 

PETE

You�re going to bring home stray dogs aren�t you?

 

MAY

At least let him stay for cocoa.

 

PETE

Hey, Doc. At least have that cocoa before you go.

 

DOC

(Brightens)

And cookies. There are some cookies in there too. They�re great with cocoa.

(Exits)

 

PETE

Promise me you�ll get him out of here after the cocoa.

 

MAY

I promise.

(Hugs him)

I want to be alone as bad as you do, you know.

 

PETE

Let me go out and get our bags before it gets too late.

 

MAY

Good idea. Then we�ll send Doc on his way and it�s just the two of us for the entire weekend.

(Knock at the door)

 

PETE

Oh, no.

 

MAY

Who can that be?

 

PETE

I thought this was supposed to be in the middle of nowhere.

(Opens door and snow is falling. JOHN rushes in with MAGGIE who is very pregnant and in labor)

What the�

 

JOHN

Thank goodness somebody is here.

 

MAY

(To MAGGIE)

Are you okay?

 

MAGGIE

Do I look okay?

(Labor pain)

Ahhh!

 

PETE

You�re not� I mean� What�s wrong?

 

MAGGIE

What do you mean what�s wrong? What does it look like?

 

PETE

Well� I mean. You uh�

 

MAGGIE

I what? Had a basketball shoved up my butt? I�m having a baby you idiot!

(Labor pain)

Ahh!

 

JOHN

The contractions are getting closer together.

 

PETE

You�re having a baby now?

 

MAGGIE

No, next Tuesday. Yes, I�m having it now!

 

MAY

What can we do?

 

JOHN

Uh� boil some water. Isn�t that what they always do in the movies?

 

DOC

Water�s hot. Cocoa will be ready soon.

 

MAGGIE

Ahhh!

 

DOC

What�s going on?

 

PETE

She�s having a basketball.

 

DOC

What?

 

MAY

We�re going to need that hot water. And clean towels.

 

MAGGIE

Isn�t there anywhere to sit down?

 

MAY

There�s a bed in here.

 

MAGGIE

John. Bed. Now.

 

PETE

That would have been sexy in another context.

 

MAY
I�ll take you.

(Exits with MAGGIE)

 

DOC

I�ll get the water and towels.

(Exits behind them)

 

PETE

I can�t imagine better birth control on a honeymoon than a pregnant woman in labor.

 

 

JOHN

You�re on your honeymoon too?

 

PETE

You guys just got married? Was this a shotgun wedding?

 

JOHN

Not exactly. We decided to get married when she started to show. I didn�t know she was pregnant until then. And I did want to marry her so it was a good excuse.

 

PETE

How did she hide it from you that long?

 

JOHN

Well, we met only about a month before that. And planning the wedding took about five months. You know how mother�s are� so�

 

PETE

Wait a minute. I�m doing the math here. She�s about 9 months along and the wedding took five months to plan and you met a month before that� You�re not�

 

JOHN

No, I�m not the father.

 

PETE

Dang� really? So who is?

 

JOHN

I don�t know.

 

PETE

You don�t?

 

JOHN

She won�t tell me.

 

PETE

And you�re okay with this?

 

JOHN

I really love her. Once she told me she was pregnant she told me she�d understand if I wanted to leave her. But I refused because I�ve never met anyone like her before and I�ve never been with anyone who has made me so happy. Then when she wouldn�t tell me who the father was, she thought for sure I would leave her and that�s when I proposed.

 

PETE

And my wife thinks I�m weird.

 

JOHN

I knew I shouldn�t have planned the honeymoon for now. I thought it was early enough but I guess not. We should be at a hospital, not in the mountains.

(DOC enters all nervous)

 

PETE

Lucky for you we have a doctor.

 

JOHN

That�s great.

 

DOC

I�ve never delivered a baby before.

 

PETE

You must have learned about it in school?

 

DOC

Not really.

 

PETE

So what kind of doctor are you? Veterinarian? Ph. D? Witch Doctor?

 

DOC

I�m Doc the Tree Doctor.

 

JOHN

Hey, I�ve heard of you. You did those commercials. The ones where you skipping through the woods touching dead trees and they sprang to life.

 

DOC

I�m retired now.

 

PETE

I don�t suppose helping seeds germinate is anything like delivering babies.

 

MAGGIE

(Off)

Ahh!

 

MAY

(Enters)

Doc! I think she�s ready.

 

JOHN

Ready? Now?

(Runs off)

 

MAGGIE

(Off)

Get away from me!

(Pans are tossed and fly onstage with JOHN reentering)

 

JOHN

But I didn�t even get her pregnant.

 

MAY

She�s not real fond of men in general right now.

 

DOC

Then I better not go in there.

 

MAY

But we need a doctor.

 

PETE

I�m afraid the only thing Doc is delivery is a sapling.

 

MAGGIE

(Off. Voice sweet now)

Johnny. I need you.

 

JOHN

Dare I go in again?

 

PETE

It might be a ploy.

(Picks up pan and puts in on JOHN�s head like a helmet)

You better wear protection. Wait.

(Puts a smaller metal plate down the front of his pants)

Now you�re set.

 

MAGGIE

(Off. Mad)

John!

 

JOHN

Coming.

(Exits)

 

MAGGIE

(Off. Angry)

Where�s that doctor?!

 

PETE

You�re being paged, Doc.

 

MAY

I�m sorry I told her about you. I thought you were a real doctor.

 

DOC

Now you�re sounding like a snob.

 

MAY

Get in there or I�ll stuff you up our chimney.

 

DOC

I�m going. I�m going.

(Rushes off)

 

PETE

Wow, May. Where did that come from?

 

MAY

And you shut up.

(Exits)

 

PETE

Oh, this has just been a great honeymoon.

(Knock at door)

Now what?

(Goes to door)

I need to sue this cabin owner for false advertising. Rustic and remote my foot. I�ve seen fewer people at a Vanilla Ice concert.

(Opens the door and FRANK, EUNICE and MYRTLE. They look like hippies)

Can I help you?

 

FRANK

We sensed a disturbance in the fabric of life.

 

PETE

Oh, great. Star Wars fans.

 

EUNICE

A war in the stars? How horrible. I know the world outside was much worse than you thought.

 

PETE

Who are you people?

 

MYRTLE

We are from the Guiding Star Commune.

 

PETE

Oh, great. Hippies.

 

FRANK

Hippies?

 

EUNICE

We have rejected all things �hip.�

 

MYRTLE

We are children of the stars.

 

EUNICE

And the stars brought us here tonight.

 

PETE

Lucky me.

 

MAGGIE

(Off)

Ahhh!

(Crash)

I thought you said you were a doctor?!

 

DOC

(Rushes out. Looks ill)

We have a problem.

 

MAGGIE

(Off)

Where�s going? Ahh!

 

FRANK

Is she having a baby?

 

PETE

Or a basketball. I don�t think we ever worked that out.

 

DOC

I can�t do this. I gotta go. It was lovely meeting you.

 

PETE

What�s wrong?

 

DOC

I saw the head and I� I don�t feel so good�

(Rushes outside)

 

EUNICE

Lucky for you Myrtle here delivers babies all the time.

 

MYRTLE

Frank. You have the usual plants I need?

(FRANK pulls some pouches out of his pockets and holds them up)

If he saw the head this should be a piece of cake. Coming, dear.

(MYRTLE and FRANK exit)

 

EUNICE

We handle all our own medical needs on the commune. All of us were born there.

 

PETE

No hospitals?

 

EUNICE

Our elders studies all the ancient wisdom of the past and passed along that knowledge to their children.

 

PETE

Where�d they learn it? The Amazon? Africa?

 

EUNICE

Harvard.

(Baby crying is heard)

 

PETE

That was quick.

 

EUNICE

Myrtle is the best.

(Heads off)

Let me see that new glowing spirit among us.

 

MAY

(Comes out)

Oh, Pete. You�ve got to see this. It�s so beautiful.

(They walk to doorway to see and hold each other happily)

 

PETE

This has got to be the weirdest honeymoon ever.

 

 

END OF PLAY

 

 



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