"LOOKS GET
IN THE WAY" by D. M. Larson from Freedrama.net
Copyright (c) 2011 All Rights Reserved
This play appears in the book "3 Short Comedy Scripts" available on Amazon.com ISBN-13: 978-1546726845
There is a nice restaurant with a bit of a romantic
atmosphere. A woman in a little old lady mask (Sidney) is sitting at the
down center table sitting across from an empty chair. A man, Tony, walks
up to the table. He stops and gives a funny look at Sidney.
TONY
Uh... I think I have the wrong table?
Sidney speaks in an old lady voice.
SIDNEY
Who you looking for, honey?
TONY
Sidney.
SIDNEY
That's me.
TONY
What?
SIDNEY
I'm Sidney.
TONY
Is this a joke?
SIDNEY
Are you Tony? You're late. I thought you'd be
here at 5.
TONY
I've gotta go. Uh... I just wanted to tell you that
Tony can't make it.
Tony leaves. Sidney does her regular voice.
SIDNEY
See you later, loser.
A waitress (or waiter) brings Sidney an appetizer.
Sidney eats it through the mouth hole in the mask. Next Phil
enters. He is a nerdy looking guy in glasses and has some old flowers in
his hand. The waitress shows him to Sidney's table. Phil is so
nervous he doesn't even look at Sidney and sits. He shields himself with
his flowers.
PHIL
Hey, there, Sidney. I'm early. I mean I'm Phil
and I'm early. I am glad you're early too, well, sort of. I was hoping to
beat you and get used to the room first. I get nervous in new
places. And with new people. I get nervous a lot. I brought
you flowers.
Phil sticks the flowers in the middle of the table to it
blocks Sidney from view and himself as well. Sidney tries to get a good
look at Phil.
PHIL (CONT.)
The flowers are a little wilted. They were
pretty. I mean there is this wonderful flower shop but I didn't have time
to go there today but I did a few days ago and I wanted those flowers. I
don't get a date every day you know and I wanted this to be special, so I got
the best flowers I know of but I want this to be great. You know what I
mean.
Sidney grabs and flowers and smells them. In her old
lady voice she says:
SIDNEY
They're lovely.
Phil sees Sidney's old lady mask for the first time. He
is suddenly speechless. He stares a moment. He takes off his
glasses and cleans them. He puts them on and looks again. Sidney
puts the flowers to the side of the table and looks at Phil happily.
After a few moments of silence:
PHIL
What's with the mask?
SIDNEY
Does it scare you?
PHIL
Not really... it's just... weird.
SIDNEY
Hmm... so you're not gonna run off on me?
PHIL
I have to admit. I'm a little curious. Why would
you wear an old person mask to dinner? And do the weird voice?
SIDNEY
It's my way of weeding out the losers. I want to find a
man who likes what I'm really like and doesn't let my looks get in the way.
PHIL
Tell me about it.
SIDNEY
You're not ugly.
PHIL
I'm not?
SIDNEY
Take off your glasses again.
Phil does and Sidney takes a very close look.
SIDNEY (CONT.)
You have very nice eyes.
PHIL
Really? You do too.
SIDNEY
Stop that.
PHIL
What?
SIDNEY
No physical stuff now.
PHIL
But you said my eyes... and your eyes are.. well... pretty...
SINDEY
No.
PHIL
But...
SIDNEY
Shoosh!
PHIL
Can't I?
SIDNEY
No.
PHIL
Okay.
Sindey looks very grumpy and crosses her arms. Phil
looks around everywhere but at Sidney. After a few moments:
SIDNEY
The flowers are very nice.
PHIL
I like red. You like red?
SIDNEY
I'm not much in to colors.
PHIL
Why is that?
SIDNEY
They're so loaded. Red is passion. Blue is
sadness. Green is envy.
PHIL
It's good to feel something.
SIDNEY
Huh?
PHIL
A least those colors feel something. Black and white is
so boring. No feeling at all.
Sidney nods approvingly and then holds out her appetizer.
SIDNEY
Hungry?
Phil takes something from the appetizer tray and eats it.
PHIL
Is that battered green beans?
SIDNEY
Uh-huh.
PHIL
That is my absolute favorite!
SIDNEY
No way.
PHIL
Nobody else likes these.
SIDNEY
I do.
PHIL
These are so good in the honey poppy seed sauce.
Sidney holds out some sauce.
PHIL (CONT.)
Oh, no you didn't?
Phil happily dips in the sauce.
PHIL (CONT.)
What are the odds we'd like the same things?
Sidney wiggles happily.
PHIL (cont.)
So... uh... what else happens on these dates? I mean...
you seem to have had it all planned out with the mask and such. It's like
a test or something. There was this one episode of Star Trek...
SIDNEY
I like Star Trek...
PHIL
Really?
SIDNEY
Live long and prosper.
Waitress comes by.
PHIL
Earl Grey tea... hot.
Waitress rolls her eyes and exits. Sidney is laughing.
PHIL (CONT.)
So is this one of those Trekkie tests of the true nature of a
species? What is the next trial?
SIDNEY
Dinner?
PHIL
Hmmm... I shall take this challenge.
Phil gets out a menu. He notices Sidney isn't looking.
PHIL (CONT.)
Already know what you want?
SIDNEY
Uh-huh.
PHIL
What are you having?
SIDNEY
It's a secret.
Phil puts down his menu and studies her.
PHIL
I'll take this challenge.
SIDNEY
What?
PHIL
I will take your dinner challenge.
Waitress appears.
SIDNEY
I'll have my usual.
Waitress turns to Phil.
PHIL
I too will have the unusual usual.
Waitress rolls her eyes and exits.
SIDNEY
You don't even know what it is.
PHIL
I am brave. I'll try anything once.
SIDNEY
It's very unusual.
PHIL
I didn't see anything too unusual on the menu.
SIDNEY
My usual isn't on the menu.
Phil gets nervous.
PHIL
Oh.
Sidney laughs.
SIDNEY
Don't worry. It hasn't killed anyone... yet. It
is however responsible for my lovely appearance.
Phil wrinkles his face.
PHIL
I really don't want to look like that.
Sidney makes a hurt sound.
SIDNEY
Oh... you bad man. You hurt my feelings.
PHIL
Uh... uh... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...
SIDNEY
I was joking. Relax.
PHIL
Maybe I should wear a mask on dates too. I get so
nervous.
SIDNEY
You're doing well.
PHIL
It's the mask. It's helping me too for some
reason. It's so ridiculous... I guess it lightens the mood.
Sidney makes another hurt sound.
SIDNEY
Ri-dic, ri-dic... ri-dicles? Oh... my... I'm ridicles.
PHIL
No, you've very normal. The rest of us are weird.
SIDNEY
Darn tootin.
Waitress returns with a hot dog for each of them and then
exits.
PHIL
A hot dog?
SIDNEY
A hot dog.
PHIL
That is unusual for a nice restaurant like this.
SIDNEY
And it is unusual. Who knows what's in the meat.
PHIL
I actually love hot dogs.
SIDNEY
Really?
PHIL
Yup.
Phil devours it. Sidney watches in approval.
After a few moments.
SIDNEY
Wanna see me without my mask?
Phil pauses. He looks nervous.
PHIL
Uh... I don't know... maybe... I guess... this is a test too
isn't it. Oh man.
Sidney laughs and switches to her real voice.
SIDNEY
Don't be nervous. I'm not this scary looking for real.
PHIL
Okay.
SIDNEY
I'm kind of ugly but nothing like this.
PHIL
Ugly?
SIDNEY
Don't worry. I don't have a huge nose or weird teeth or
a huge mole on my face. I'm just not very good looking.
PHIL
I don't mind. I'm no William Shatner.
SIDNEY
You sure?
PHIL
I'm sure I'm not William Shatner.
Sidney laughs and Phil joins her.
SIDNEY
You sure about the mask?
PHIL
I'm sure. I already know you have beautiful eyes.
SIDNEY
Stop that.
PHIL
I still can't compliment you?
SIDNEY
No.
Sidney sits quietly a moment.
PHIL
You don't have to take off the mask. It's okay.
SIDNEY
I want to. You're really nice. You deserve to see
my real face. You've passed the test.
Phil waits nervously as Sidney removes the mask. Sidney
looks shy and Phil look happy.
PHIL
You're beautiful.
Sidney does her old lady voice.
SIDNEY
No.
PHIL
You are... really.
SIDNEY
Stop.
PHIL
You don't have any reason to hide.
Sidney makes eye contact and returns his smile. They
smile at each other happily a moment.
SIDNEY
Want another hot dog?
PHIL
Sure.
END OF PLAY
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