Humpty Dumpty Private Egg Hard-Boiled Detective

by D. M. Larson

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Humpty Dumpty Private Egg Hard-boiled detective (Adapted from the full length play "Holka Polka" ISBN-13: 978-1502445490)

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free monologue for male actor from published play comedy



HUMPTY

It was a dark and stormy night in fairyland. A night just perfect for witches. With fairy godmother in the clink, I began to wonder if we were ready for a world turned topsy-turvy. Sweet witches and friendly wolves. Wise wizards and princesses with pig noses. It's a world gone mad but somehow things are looking sunny-side up and we may find some kind of happily ever after in fairytale land.

I was about to call it a day because I had this over easy feeling coming over me... when she rolled in. She had the figure of a fortress and the countenance of a cobra. She was the goddaughter; the witchiest woman west of Walla Walla.

I wondered if this was some kind of yolk. I had already cracked the case of the sleeping prince. Fairy godmother was left with egg on her face. The sleeping spell was only the Easter coloring on a much more rotten egg. She had bigger eggs to fry. And the corruption nearly broke fairytale land apart. Thankfully they had me to put it back together again.

I could continue walking on eggshells around her like everyone else or I could put all my eggs in one basket and say it straight. I knew she was trouble and I told her so. I told her she was like one of those riddles that scramble your brains like, "what came first, the chicken or the egg?"

I told her to beat it unless she wanted to have a talk with all the King's horses and all the King's men.

But then her eyes teared up and I was speechless because I'd never seen this cool egg crack before. Hey, I've got feelings. I'm a bit soft-boiled around the dames. And this dame needed help. And help is what I do, because I'm

Humpty Dumpty, Private Egg. Hard-boiled detective.

END OF MONOLOGUE


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