NOBODY FAMOUS

HEATHER
Probably not, but tell me anyway.
 
BRENDA
Somebody is filming a movie in town and they saw my show last night. They want me to be in their movie.
 
HEATHER
You're kidding.
 
BRENDA
Gina said there are some big stars in it too. One of them had a scheduling conflict and can't come. Gina's bringing the casting director over to see me now. They need somebody immediately and want me to do it.
 
HEATHER
You'll be famous!
 
BRENDA
(Stops)
This can't be happening. Where is that Madame Money?
 
HEATHER
Mooch.
 
BRENDA
Whatever. Come out, Madame! I want a word with you.
 
HEATHER
Why are you upset? This is wonderful.
 
BRENDA
I know how these stories go. Remember that story the Monkey's Paw? At first, everything is great. You get everything you wish for, then the bottom drops out.
 
HEATHER
You are such a wet blanket. Can't you have a little fun?
 
BRENDA
Fun is for people who are too stupid to prepare for the impending disaster.
 
HEATHER
I give up. Fine, don't enjoy your instant success. I'm going home.
 
BRENDA
Don't be mad, Heather. I'm sorry. I have to admit there might be something beyond my comprehension going on here.
 
HEATHER
See! Isn't this stuff amazing?
 
BRENDA
Or extremely well contrived.
(Calls out)
Madame Mooch. I need a word with you.
 
HEATHER
I wonder why she isn't reappearing.
 
BRENDA
(Pulls out money)
I'm not speaking her language.
(Waves bill)
I have something green for you.
 
MOOCH
(Enters)
I sense that you require my services.
 
BRENDA
(Smiles at HEATHER, then looks at MOOCH)
I need some information.
 
MOOCH
Information is my middle name, though my abilities have been weakened by all the recent activity.
 
BRENDA
(Hands her a bill)
There. Feeling better?
 
MOOCH
A bit better, yes.
 
BRENDA
Good.
 
MOOCH
I sense your friend here wants to go.
 
BRENDA
Do you?
 
HEATHER
(Looks at watch)
Oh, my gosh. I have reservations for five minutes ago.
(Waves good-bye)
Thank you, Madame Mooch. Bye Brenda.
(HEATHER exits)
 
BRENDA
That was my money. How come she got a reading?
 
MOOCH
She paid for you. You paid for her.
 
BRENDA
Now for my question...
 
MOOCH
My power is fading.
 
BRENDA
(Hands her another bill)
Feel better?
 
MOOCH
(Stuffs bill in shirt)
Ask your question.
 
BRENDA
How can Madame Mooch cook up such an elaborate scam?
 
MOOCH
Madame Mooch didn't scam you. You want to be famous, so you will be famous.
 
BRENDA
What if I've changed my mind?
 
MOOCH
It is your destiny now. Don't fight it. Fighting it will only bring doom upon you.
 
BRENDA
Doom. That's certainly what I'm expecting from all this. Every silver lining has a cloud.
 
MOOCH
I predict that your bad fortune is over.
 
BRENDA
I hope you're right.
 
MOOCH
Unless...
 
BRENDA
There's always an unless... Okay, give me the bad news.
 
MOOCH
I must consult the cards.
(Goes to her table)
 
BRENDA
That's probably going to cost me.
(Goes to table and sits opposite MOOCH)
 
MOOCH
(Lays out some cards)
The meaning of these cards escape me...
(BRENDA sighs and gives her more money)
Ah, yes. I see now. Beware the one armed bandit.
 
BRENDA
You mean slot machines? That's easy. I hate gambling. Ever since that time my boyfriend got kidnapped by a trucker at Sky City Casino, I've refused to go back to one.
 
MOOCH
(Rises)
Beware. Beware the one armed bandit.
 
BRENDA
Yeah, yeah. You said that already.
(MOOCH starts to go)
Wait. I have more questions.
 
MOOCH
No time. You have visitors.
(Exits as GINA and BARRY enter front door)
 
BRENDA
How did she know that?
 
GINA
Hey, Brenda. How's my big star?
(GINA and BRENDA do a fake kiss on the cheek)
 
BRENDA
Still in wonder...
 
GINA
I want you to meet someone.
(Drags over BARRY)
This is Barry Bandito. He's the casting director for the movie I told you about.
 
BRENDA
(Reaches out her hand to shake. BARRY lifts his left arm and takes her hand and kisses it. BARRY's right arm is in a sling)
Bandito? Oh...
(Looks where MOOCH went)
Uh... hi...
 
GINA
Brenda. I thought you'd be more excited. This is a big opportunity.
 
BRENDA
Sorry, this has all been very sudden.
 
GINA
Brenda is new to the theatre scene.
 
BARRY
She's a natural. She appears to have years of experience.
 
GINA
So will she work, Barry?
(To BRENDA)
He wanted to meet you before he decided on anything.
 
BARRY
I'd like to interview you a bit first.
 
BRENDA
Yes, I have a few questions also.
 
GINA
We can sit over here.
(BARRY heads for chairs in waiting room. GINA says to BRENDA quietly)
What is your problem? Get excited.
 
BRENDA
(Aside to GINA)
I have a bad feeling about this guy.
 
GINA
Brenda... shush...
(They go sit near BARRY)
 
BARRY
Would you like to go first or shall I?
 
BRENDA
I'll go first.
 
GINA
Barry is on a tight schedule. Maybe you ought to let him...
 
BARRY
No, I like a woman of action. Go ahead Brenda.
 
BRENDA
I'm going to be frank...
 
GINA
(Trying to warm)
Brenda... ixnay on the...
 
BRENDA
Why would a big studio want a little small time nobody like me?
 
BARRY
You have the look...
 
BRENDA
(Skeptically)
The look?
 
GINA
(She says excitedly to BRENDA as if understanding BARRY perfectly)
You know, the look.
 
BRENDA
Perhaps you could explain the look to me a bit more?
 
BARRY
You have that natural spark that will light up the screen...
 
GINA
She does have a spark, doesn't she? La Chizpa as they say.
 
BARRY
(Sits over by BRENDA)
You are very attractive. I could take you far.
 
BRENDA
(Scoots away)
I'd rather you didn't take me anywhere.
 
GINA
(Shocked at BRENDA)
Brenda!
(Tries to laugh it off)
She's so funny, isn't she?
 
BARRY
I don't need a comedian.
(Moves a little closer and tries to put her hand her leg)
I need someone who takes direction well.
 
BRENDA
(Stands and moves away)
Depends on the director.
 
BARRY
(To GINA)
I thought you said she really wanted this part.
 
GINA
She told me she did.
 
BRENDA
How big of a part is this?
 
BARRY
That depends on you.
 
BRENDA
What does that mean?
 
GINA
(A bit deflated)
Wait. I thought you said this was a big part.
 
BARRY
So far, today, I'm not seeing what I want...
(Gets up)
Maybe this was a mistake...
 
GINA
(Jumps up to stop)
No, wait. I don't understand. I thought we had an agreement.
 
BARRY
Sorry, I can already tell it's not going to work out.
(Starts to exit)
 
GINA
But...
(Starts after him)
Wait...
 
BRENDA
Let him go, Gina.
(BARRY shakes his head at them and exits)
 
GINA
What was that all about?
 
BRENDA
That guy totally gave me the creeps.
 
GINA
But I really went on a limb on this one for you...
 
BRENDA
I'm sorry, but I don't think he was interested in my acting skills.
 
GINA
Look, Brenda. What did you expect? Being a star involves give and take.
 
BRENDA
Sorry, but I don't want to give what he wants to take.
 
GINA
Then maybe you need to find another agent.
 
BRENDA
What?
 
GINA
Maybe Morality Movie Studio is looking for actresses. Oh, wait. There's no such thing. See you, Brenda. Thanks for nothing.
(GINA exits)
 
BRENDA
Wow, Madame Mooch. You sure were right about this one.
 
HEATHER
(Returns)
Wow, Gina sure didn't look happy. What happened?
 
BRENDA
I just blew my chance at fame and fortune.
 
HEATHER
Why'd you do that?
 
BRENDA
Forget it. What are you doing back here?
 
HEATHER
Dan called and canceled our dinner date so went I bought a lottery ticket. I used Madame Mooch's numbers.
 
BRENDA
That was a waste of a dollar.
 
HEATHER
It was worth a try.
 
BRENDA
Let's go, okay?
 
JOE
(JOE enters)
I can't wait any longer.
(He's nervous. He has a bat in his hand. He blocks their exit)
Where's Madame Mooch?
 
BRENDA
In her secret room laughing at us no doubt.
(scared of how he is holding the bat)
Can we get by please?
 
JOE
(Won't move from doorway)
I want to see Mooch now!
 
BRENDA
All you have to do is wave a few dollars around. She'll appear.
 
JOE
Maybe if I wave this instead...
(he smashes something with his bat)
 
HEATHER
Watch it!  You almost hit me!

(Brenda pulls Heather back)
 
BRENDA
Hey, now buddy. We don't want any trouble.
 
JOE
Well, that's what you're going to get unless I see Mooch.
 
BRENDA
My guess is that she's heading out the back door as we speak.
 
JOE
Afraid not. I blocked her back door with my car.
 
BRENDA
I don't know what your problem with her is, but it has nothing to do with us. So if we could just go...
 
JOE
You're witnesses now. You stay.
 
HEATHER
Witnesses?
 
JOE
To a crime.
 
 
BRENDA
You know what? No crime has been committed. As far as I can tell, your bat accidentally broke that thing over there. No crime. No problem. Let's go, Heather.

(Joe smashes something else)
 
JOE
Both of you sit down now!
(BRENDA and HEATHER find chairs and sit)
Come out here, Mooch before I start smashing holes in those rice paper walls of yours. There's no telling what I'll hit.
 
MOOCH
Hello, Joe. What do you want?
 
BRENDA
Oh, great. Now we know his name. So much for not being a witness.
 
JOE
I want my life back, Mooch. The one you stole from me.
 
HEATHER
She stole your life?
 
JOE
She told my wife that I was sleeping around and then my wife left me.
 
MOOCH
I can not hide the truth.
 
JOE
But that wasn't the truth. I've been faithful to my wife.
 
MOOCH
Have you?
 
JOE
I've never slept with anyone else since I married her.
 
MOOCH
What about Megan?
 
JOE
Megan? You mean my old girlfriend?
 
MOOCH
Did you sleep with her?
 
JOE
Not since I've been married.
 
MOOCH
Oh, dear. I guess my visions got crossed.
 
JOE
"Oh, dear." Is that all you can say?! You ruined my life and you just say, "Oh, dear."

(Joe smashes something else during his dialog)
 
BRENDA
I can't believe your wife would leave you based on something some two-bit psychic would say.
 
MOOCH
How dare you call me a...
 
JOE
Shut up, Mooch.
(To BRENDA)
She had some help. After Mooch told my wife about Megan, my wife paid Megan a visit. Megan never got over our breakup so she has some hard feelings. So Megan told my wife that Mooch was right.
 
HEATHER
That's not good.
 
BRENDA
So between Mooch here and Megan, your wife was sure you were lying.
 
JOE
(Holds up bat and aims at MOOCH's head)
So psychic lady, can you see what's in your future?
 
MOOCH
Sorry, I can't predict the future for myself.
 
JOE
Well, let me give you some help.
(His raises the bat and MOOCH faints. HEATHER screams)
I didn't hit her yet.
 
BRENDA
Run, Heather!
(BRENDA pulls HEATHER toward door)
 
HEATHER
What about Mooch?
 
BRENDA
We'll call the cops.
 
JOE
(He runs and grabs Heather)
Hold it!
 
HEATHER
We're gonna die.
 
JOE
Quit blubbering and sit down.
 
HEATHER
Are you going to kill us?
 
JOE
No, I don't want to kill anyone.
 
BRENDA
It looked like you wanted to kill Mooch.
 
JOE
I only wanted to scare her.
 
BRENDA
(Goes to fallen MOOCH)
I think you succeeded. Can we go now?
 
JOE
I was hoping it would be enough. But still, I don't feel like...
 
HEATHER
(Sees flashing lights out window)
I think we have a problem.
 
JOE
Who called the cops?
 
BRENDA
We didn't.
 
JOE
Mooch must have called them before she came out. Now what do I do?
 
BRENDA
Surrender. You haven't really done anything... yet.
 
MOOCH
(Wakes up)
Am I still alive or has someone summoned my spirit?
 
JOE
Unfortunately you're still among the living. Now get up before that changes.
(BRENDA and HEATHER help MOOCH up)
 
MOOCH
I see the police have arrived.
 
JOE
No thanks to you.
 
MOOCH
I saw danger in my future so I took the liberty of calling them.
 
HEATHER
Isn't she amazing?
 
JOE
Perhaps you can see a way out of this for me.
 
BRENDA
Give yourself up. It's the only way.

HEATHER
(Looks to window)
Now I think there's a news crew.
 
MOOCH
Oh, think of all the publicity.
 
JOE
I have to know what's going on out there. Turn on your TV, Mooch.
(MOOCH goes to TV and turns it on)
 
REPORTER
(Voice)
We're live outside Madame Moose's shop...
 
MOOCH
Mooch not Moose.
 
JOE
I think I like Moose better.
 
REPORTER
(Voice)
The police say the suspect is armed and dangerous.
 
JOE
That doesn't sound good.
 
BRENDA
Maybe if you tell them your story then they'll go easy on you.
 
JOE
That might give me some satisfaction being able to tell the news what a big fraud she is.
 
MOOCH
Can't you break my arm or something and then run away. That would be much better for business.
 
JOE
How about I break your arm AND talk to the reporter.
 
HEATHER
Shhh. Wait. They have the lottery numbers at the bottom of the screen.
 
BRENDA
Heather. Can't that wait?
 
HEATHER
Three! I've got a three.
 
BRENDA
Heather... please... not...
 
HEATHER
Five! Got a five!
 
BRENDA
Heather...
 
HEATHER
Nine! We've got three numbers.
 
JOE
You've got to be kidding.
 
HEATHER
Twenty! We're winning!
 
BRENDA
(Getting into it)
Twenty-five. We have twenty-five.
 
HEATHER
49!
 
BRENDA
And the Powerball is...
 
HEATHER
Seven! We won!
 
MOOCH
I told you so.
 
BRENDA
We won! We won!
(Dances around with HEATHER and JOE)
 
JOE
(HEATHER and BRENDA are still jumping up and down. JOE looks at his bat. Looks at them. MOOCH stops them and points to JOE)
So how much did you win?
 
BRENDA
Not much.
 
HEATHER
Only 95 million.
 
JOE
95 million! Dollars?
 
MOOCH
No, Powerballs.
 
JOE
Shut up!
(To HEATHER and BRENDA)
This changes everything.
(Holds up bat with one hand and holds out other hand)
Hand over the ticket.
(JOE is distracted so MOOCH sneaks around behind him)
 
BRENDA
Easy come... easy go.
 
HEATHER
No...
 
BRENDA
No, what?
 
HEATHER
No, I'm not giving him our ticket. This is our ticket.
 
BRENDA
Heather, this is no time to get a backbone.
 
HEATHER
But we won it. It's ours.
 
BRENDA
(Shrugs and smiles sheepishly at JOE)
It's amazing what a few million can do to a person.
 
JOE
Hand it over or I'll take it off your dead body.
 
MOOCH
(Picks up crystal ball and moves behind JOE)
Oh, Joe!
(JOE turns and MOOCH smashes it on his head)
He didn't see that coming.
(JOE falls to the ground and passes out)
So what do you girls say to sharing that ticket.
 
HEATHER
Sure! I think I could spare a million or two.
 
BRENDA
It's the least we could do. I assume there's a "we" in this deal.
 
HEATHER
Of course, I wouldn't have bought this without you.
 
BRENDA
I have to ask you, Mooch, are you always picking winning numbers?
 
MOOCH
Never. I got lucky this time.
 
BRENDA
Incredible.
 
HEATHER
I think we better go get the police before Joe wakes up.
 
MOOCH
I'll get them. Keep an eye on him.
(Runs out door)
 
BRENDA
What a story. Those reporters will be all over us.
 
HEATHER
We'll be famous.
 
END OF PLAY

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