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NOBODY FAMOUS

 

By

 

D. M. Larson

 

Copyright (c) 2002

All Rights Reserved

 


 

Cast of Characters

 

BRENDA: An actress who has a chance at being famous.

 

HEATHER: Brenda's slightly ditsy friend who takes her to see Mooch.

 

MOOCH: A fortune teller who is having an insightful day.

 

JO: An angry customer of Mooch's who didn't like her prediction.

 

GINA: Brenda's agent.

 

BONNIE: A Hollywood casting director.

 

There is also the Voice of Reporter that can be prerecorded.

 

Time and Place

Present day psychic reading parlor.

 


 

Scene 1

 

(Front room of Madame Mooch's Mystery Readings and Message Parlor. BRENDA waits impatiently alone. HEATHER appears from a curtained area)

 

BRENDA

This is so stupid, can we go now? It's Saturday night and there's other places I'd rather be...

 

HEATHER

(Rushes in UC from curtains)

You'll never guess who she said I was in one of my past lives.

 

BRENDA

Let's see. Cleopatra?

 

HEATHER
How did you know?

 

BRENDA

Psychic's always say women were Cleopatra! For some reason, everyone wants to be her. Personally, I'd rather have been someone longer lived. What a way to go. Snake bite to the breast. Ouch.

 

HEATHER

You don't think it's true?

 

BRENDA

Heather, these people aren't for real. Don't you read the disclaimers?

(Holds up brochure)

For entertainment purposes only.

 

HEATHER

She seems so real, so convincing!

 

MOOCH

(Enters from curtained area)

Oh, sorry. I didn't know anyone was still here?

 

BRENDA

Yeah, she's real perceptive.

 

 

 

 

MOOCH

(Ties up curtains so audience can now see a table with a crystal ball on top and two chairs)

Does you friend want a reading?

 

HEATHER

Yes!

 

BRENDA

No!

 

HEATHER

Come on, Brenda. I'll pay for it.

 

BRENDA

Don't waste your money.

 

HEATHER

It's just for fun. You said it yourself: for entertainment purposes only. What do you have to fear?

 

BRENDA
Fear itself?

 

MOOCH

Come, come. I won't bite.

 

BRENDA

Yeah, but I might.

 

HEATHER

There, I paid for it.

(Gives MOOCH money)

 

MOOCH

(Holds bill up to light)

I feel my power returning to me.

 

BRENDA

The power of the U.S. Mint.

 

HEATHER

Go on.

 

 

 

BRENDA

(Goes UC)

Fine, let's get this over with.

 

MOOCH

(Starts to close curtain)

The spirits come to me.

 

BRENDA

Leave the curtain open. I want witnesses.

 

HEATHER

You sure you want me to watch. It gets kind of private.

(Sits in a nearby waiting room chair)

 

BRENDA

Private? Then I definitely want you to watch.

(Sits in chair by crystal ball)

 

MOOCH

(Sits in other chair)

So what do you want to know?

 

BRENDA

The quickest way out of here.

 

HEATHER

Don't be difficult, Brenda. Try to have fun with it.

 

BRENDA

Fine. What are this week's winning lottery numbers?

 

MOOCH

3-5-9-20-25-49 and the Powerball is

(Draws card from Taro deck)

7.

 

BRENDA

Pretty specific.

 

HEATHER

(Writes the numbers down)

Why didn't I think to ask that?

 

BRENDA

What else do you see in the cards?

 

MOOCH

(Draws more cards)

I see your past and your future.

 

BRENDA

Let me guess. I was Cleopatra too. How is it possible for so many people to be Cleopatra? I know! maybe she had a split personality.

 

MOOCH

I'm afraid in your past you were nobody famous.

 

BRENDA

(Surprisingly disappointed)

Nobody? Ever?

 

MOOCH

Never ever.

 

BRENDA

What about my future?

 

MOOCH

You will be famous one day.

 

BRENDA

Now or in a future life.

 

MOOCH

Would you like to be famous in this life?

 

BRENDA

What do you mean?

 

MOOCH

In everyone's life cycles, they are allowed one time to be famous.

 

BRENDA

Only once huh?

(Amused. Smiles at HEATHER)

 

MOOCH

Do you wish it to be this one?

 

 

 

BRENDA

(Laughs)

Sure, why not?

 

MOOCH

(Her voice booms)

Then so be it!

(A big boom, like thunder is heard. The lights flicker and go out. When the lights come on again MOOCH is gone)

 

BRENDA

That was weird.

 

HEATHER

(Rushes to BRENDA and looks around table)

Where'd she go?

 

BRENDA

Behind the curtain no doubt.

 

HEATHER

(Checks curtain)

It's solid wall behind here.

 

BRENDA

Then through a trap door. It doesn't matter. Let's go.

 

HEATHER

(They head for front door)

You have to admit. That was pretty spooky.

 

BRENDA

And completely fake.

(Mimics MOOCH)

"You can only be famous once in your life cycles."

(Laughs)

What a fraud. She's not even a good fake psychic.

 

JO

(Enters through front door looking around)

Oh, where's Mooch? She's never here.

(Starts to go and sees BRENDA)

Oh, hey! Aren't you that actress?

 

BRENDA

Who? Me?

 

 

JO

Yeah, the one is the play downtown. What's it called? A Brush with Destiny. That's it.

 

HEATHER

Did you see her?

 

JO

Yeah, you were incredible.

 

BRENDA

(Shrugs)

Thanks.

 

JO

Did you see the review in today's paper?

(Holds up paper)

 

HEATHER

You got a review?

(Takes paper and looks)

 

BRENDA

That reviewer is an idiot. He wouldn't know a play if a stage fell on him.

 

HEATHER

Oh, my gosh. This review is really good.

 

BRENDA

You're kidding. He never likes anything.

 

JO

He sure liked you.

 

HEATHER

(Reads)

Brenda Star lives up to her name. Her radiant talent brightens this otherwise ordinary play.

 

BRENDA

Let me see that.

(Takes paper)

This is so great! My agent will go nuts.

 

JO

Maybe I better get your autograph. Sounds like you're going to make it big.

 

HEATHER

(Pulls out pen and hands it to BRENDA)

Here.

 

BRENDA

(Laughs and signs newspaper)

There you go.

 

JO

Thanks.

(Looks around)

I guess Madame Mooch stepped out. I'll come back later.

(Exits)

 

HEATHER

We better go get a copy of the paper so you can show your agent.

 

BRENDA

Wait a minute. This smells like a set up.

 

HEATHER

What do you mean?

 

BRENDA

Wasn't that awfully good timing? She says I'm going to be famous and then this guy comes in here and acts like I'm some new star.

 

HEATHER

But how could she fake that newspaper review?

 

BRENDA

(Scowls)

Good point.

 

HEATHER

So do you think there might be something to this psychic thing?

 

BRENDA

It's a coincidence. That's all.

(Cell phone rings)

Hello? Hi, Gina.

(To HEATHER)

It's my agent.

 

HEATHER

I'll bet she saw the review.

 

BRENDA
Yeah, I read it.

(Pause)

Very good.

(Shocked)

What?

(Pause)

No way.

 

HEATHER

What is it? What?

 

BRENDA

(Waves away HEATHER)

Shhhh.

(To phone)

Sorry, my friend is talking to me.

(Pause)

Yes, let's do it.

(Looks around)

I hate to admit this, but I'm at some psychic reading place.

(Picks up brochure)

Madame Mooch�!

(Pause)

You know her.

(To HEATHER)

My agent's been here.

(Pause)

Sure I'll wait for her here.

(Hangs up phone)

You won't believe this.

HEATHER

Probably not, but tell me anyway.

 

BRENDA

Somebody is filming a movie in town and they saw my show last night. They want me to be in their movie.

 

HEATHER

You're kidding.

 

 

 

 

BRENDA

Gina said there are some big stars in it too. One of them had a scheduling conflict and can't come. Gina's bringing the casting director over to see me now. They need somebody immediately and want me to do it.

 

HEATHER

You'll be famous!

 

BRENDA

(Stops)

This can't be happening. Where is that Madame Money?

 

HEATHER

Mooch.

 

BRENDA

Whatever. Come out, Madame! I want a word with you.

 

HEATHER

Why are you upset? This is wonderful.

 

BRENDA

I know how these stories go. Remember that story the Monkey's Paw? At first, everything is great. You get everything you wish for, then the bottom drops out.

 

HEATHER

You are such a wet blanket. Can't you have a little fun?

 

BRENDA

Fun is for people who are too stupid to prepare for the impending disaster.

 

HEATHER

 

I give up. Fine, don't enjoy your instant success. I'm going home.

 

BRENDA

Don't be mad, Heather. I'm sorry. I have to admit there might be something beyond my comprehension going on here.

 

HEATHER

See! Isn't this stuff amazing?

 

BRENDA

Or extremely well contrived.

(Calls out)

Madame Mooch. I need a word with you.

 

HEATHER

I wonder why she isn't reappearing.

 

BRENDA

(Pulls out money)

I'm not speaking her language.

(Waves bill)

I have something green for you.

 

MOOCH

(Enters)

I sense that you require my services.

 

BRENDA

(Smiles at HEATHER, then looks at MOOCH)

I need some information.

 

MOOCH

Information is my middle name, though my abilities have been weakened by all the recent activity.

 

BRENDA

(Hands her a bill)

There. Feeling better?

 

MOOCH

A bit better, yes.

 

BRENDA
Good.

 

MOOCH

I sense your friend here wants to go.

 

BRENDA

Do you?

 

HEATHER

(Looks at watch)

Oh, my gosh. I have reservations for five minutes ago.

(Waves good-bye)

Thank you, Madame Mooch. Bye Brenda.

(HEATHER exits)

 

BRENDA

That was my money. How come she got a reading?

 

MOOCH

She paid for you. You paid for her.

 

BRENDA
Now for my question,

 

MOOCH

My power is fading.

 

BRENDA

(Hands her another bill)

Feel better?

 

MOOCH

(Stuffs bill in shirt)

Ask your question.

 

BRENDA

How can Madame Mooch cook up such an elaborate scam?

 

MOOCH

Madame Mooch didn't scam you. You want to be famous, so you will be famous.

 

BRENDA
What if I've changed my mind?

 

MOOCH

It is your destiny now. Don't fight it. Fighting it will only bring doom upon you.

 

BRENDA

Doom. That's certainly what I'm expecting from all this. Every silver lining has a cloud.

 

MOOCH

I predict that your bad fortune is over.

 

BRENDA

I hope you're right.

 

MOOCH

Unless!

 

 

BRENDA

There's always an unless" Okay, give me the bad news.

 

MOOCH

I must consult the cards.

(Goes to her table)

 

BRENDA

That's probably going to cost me.

(Goes to table and sits opposite MOOCH)

 

MOOCH

(Lays out some cards)

The meaning of these cards escape me!

(BRENDA sighs and gives her more money)

Ah, yes. I see now. Beware the one armed bandit.

 

BRENDA

You mean slot machines? That's easy. I hate gambling. Ever since that time my boyfriend got kidnapped by a trucker at Sky City Casino, I've refused to go back to one.

 

MOOCH

(Rises)

Beware. Beware the one armed bandit.

 

BRENDA

Yeah, yeah. You said that already.

(MOOCH starts to go)

Wait. I have more questions.

 

MOOCH

No time. You have visitors.

(Exits as GINA and BONNIE enter front door)

 

BRENDA

How did she know that?

 

GINA

Hey, Brenda. How's my big star?

(GINA and BRENDA do a fake kiss on the cheek)

 

BRENDA

Still in wonder,

 

GINA

I want you to meet someone.

(Drags over BONNIE)

This is Bonnie Bandito. He's the casting director for the movie I told you about.

 

BRENDA

(Reaches out her hand to shake. BONNIE lifts her left arm to shake. BONNIE's right arm is in a sling)

Bandito? Oh,

(Looks where MOOCH went)

Uh, hi!

 

GINA

Brenda. I thought you'd be more excited. This is a big opportunity.

 

BRENDA

Sorry, this has all been very sudden.

 

GINA

Brenda is new to the theatre scene.

 

BONNIE

She's a natural. She appears to have years of experience.

 

GINA

So will she work, Bonnie?

(To BRENDA)

She wanted to meet you before she decided on anything.

 

BONNIE

I'd like to interview you a bit first.

 

BRENDA

Yes, I have a few questions also.

 

GINA

We can sit over here.

(BONNIE heads for chairs in waiting room. GINA says to BRENDA quietly)

What is your problem? Get excited.

 

BRENDA

(Aside to GINA)

I have a bad feeling about this.

 

GINA
Brenda, shush

(They go sit near BONNIE)

 

 

BONNIE

Would you like to go first or shall I?

 

BRENDA

I'll go first.

 

GINA

Bonnie is on a tight schedule. Maybe you ought to let her,

 

BONNIE

No, I admire her candor. Go ahead Brenda.

 

BRENDA

I'm going to be frank...

 

GINA

(Trying to warm)

Brenda, ixnay on the...

 

BRENDA

Why would a big studio want a little small time nobody like me?

 

BONNIE

You have the look!

 

BRENDA

(Skeptically)

The look?

 

GINA

(She says excitedly to BRENDA as if understanding BONNIE perfectly)

You know, the look.

 

BRENDA

Perhaps you could explain the look to me a bit more!

 

BONNIE

You have that natural spark that will light up the screen!

 

GINA

She does have a spark, doesn't she? La Chizpa as they say.

 

BONNIE

(She's hands BRENDA an orientation/promotional packet on the movie)

Let me be frank also. You are very attractive and our director liked you, a lot. He's known for taking many unknown actresses and making them big stars.

 

BRENDA

(Looks in packet)

This director is also known for wanting a whole lot more from his actresses than is in the contract.

 

BONNIE

He's very influential, he could take you far.

 

BRENDA

(Hands back the packet to BONNIE)

I'd rather he didn't take me anywhere.

 

GINA

(Shocked at BRENDA)

Brenda!

(Tries to laugh it off)

She's so funny, isn't she?

 

BONNIE

We don't need a comedian.

(Rises)

We need someone who takes direction well.

 

BRENDA

Then maybe I'm not the right actress for you then.

 

BONNIE

(To GINA)

I thought you said she really wanted this part.

 

GINA

She told me she did.

 

BRENDA

How big of a part is this?

 

BONNIE

That depends on you.

 

BRENDA

What does that mean?

 

GINA

(A bit deflated)

Wait. I thought you said this was a big part.

 

BONNIE

So far, today, I'm not seeing what I want!

(Gets up)

Maybe this was a mistake!

 

GINA

(Jumps up to stop BONNIE)

No, wait. I don't understand. I thought we had an agreement.

 

BONNIE

Sorry, I can already tell it's not going to work out.

(Starts to exit)

 

GINA

But,

(Starts after her)

Wait!

 

BRENDA

Let her go, Gina.

(BONNIE shakes her head at them and exits)

 

GINA

What was that all about?

 

BRENDA

That director is infamous for wanting something I don't want to give.

 

GINA

But I really went on a limb on this one for you!

 

BRENDA

I'm sorry, but I don't think they were really interested in my acting skills.

 

GINA
Look, Brenda. What did you expect? Being a star involves give and take.

 

BRENDA

Sorry, but I don't want to give what he wants to take.

 

GINA

Then maybe you need to find another agent.

 

BRENDA

What?

 

GINA

Maybe Morality Movie Studio is looking for actresses. Oh, wait. There's no such thing. See you, Brenda. Thanks for nothing.

(GINA exits)

 

BRENDA

(To self)

Wow, Madame Mooch. You sure were right about this one.

 

HEATHER

(Returns)

Wow, Gina sure didn't look happy. What happened?

 

BRENDA

I just blew my chance at fame and fortune.

 

HEATHER

Why'd you do that?

 

BRENDA

Forget it. What are you doing back here?

 

HEATHER

Dan called and canceled our dinner date so I went and bought a lottery ticket. I used Madame Mooch's numbers.

 

BRENDA

That was a waste of a dollar.

 

HEATHER

It was worth a try.

 

BRENDA

Let's go, okay?

 

JO

(JO enters)

I can't wait any longer.

(She's nervous. She blocks their exit)

Where's Madame Mooch?

 

BRENDA

In her secret room laughing at us no doubt.

(Tries to go)

Can we get by please?

 

JO

(Won't move from doorway)

I want to see Mooch now!

 

BRENDA

All you have to do is wave a few dollars around. She'll appear.

 

JO

Maybe if I wave this instead!

(Pulls out gun)

 

HEATHER

She's got a gun!

 

BRENDA

Hey, now lady. We don't want any trouble.

 

JO

Well, that's what you're going to get unless I see Mooch.

 

BRENDA

My guess is that she's heading out the back door as we speak.

 

JO

Afraid not. I blocked her back door with my car.

 

BRENDA

I don't know what your problem with her is, but it has nothing to do with us. So if we could just go,

 

JO

You're witnesses now. You stay.

 

HEATHER

Witnesses?

 

JO

To a crime.

 

 

BRENDA

You know what? No crime has been committed. As far as I can tell, you have a permit for that gun. No crime. No problem. Let's go, Heather.

 

JO

Both of you sit down now!

(BRENDA and HEATHER find chairs and sit)

Come out here, Mooch before I start shooting into those rice paper walls of yours. There's no telling what I'll hit.

 

MOOCH

Hello, Jo. What do you want?

 

BRENDA

Oh, great. Now we know her name. So much for not being a witness.

 

JO
I want my life back, Mooch. The one you stole from me.

 

HEATHER

She stole your life?

 

JO

She told my husband that I was sleeping around and then my husband left me.

 

MOOCH

I can not hide the truth.

 

JO

But that wasn't the truth. I've been faithful to my husband.

 

MOOCH

Have you?

 

JO

I've never slept with anyone else since I married him.

 

MOOCH

What about Mark?

 

JO

Mark? You mean my old boyfriend?

 

MOOCH

Did you sleep with him?

 

JO

Not since I've been married.

 

MOOCH

Oh, dear. I guess my visions got crossed.

 

JO

"Oh, dear." Is that all you can say?! You ruined my life and you just say, "Oh, dear."

 

BRENDA

I can't believe your husband would leave you based on something some two-bit psychic would say.

 

MOOCH

How dare you call me a...

 

JO

Shut up, Mooch.

(To BRENDA)

She had some help. After Mooch told my husband about Mark, my husband paid Mark a visit. Mark never got over our breakup so he has some hard feelings. So Mark told my husband that Mooch was right.

 

HEATHER

That's not good.

 

BRENDA

So between Mooch here and Mark, your husband was sure you were lying.

 

JO

(Holds gun up to MOOCH's head)

So psychic lady, can you see what's in your future?

 

MOOCH

Sorry, I can't predict the future for myself.

 

JO

Well, let me give you some help.

(Pulls trigger. Click. No bullets. MOOCH faints. HEATHER screams)

Where'd I put my gun clip?

 

BRENDA

Run, Heather!

(BRENDA pulls HEATHER toward door)

 

HEATHER

What about Mooch?

 

BRENDA

We'll call the cops.

 

JO

(Finds clip and puts it in gun. Points it at them just as they get to the door)

Hold it!

(BRENDA and HEATHER freeze)

Turn around and come back slowly.

 

 

HEATHER

We're gonna die.

 

JO

Quit blubbering and sit down.

 

HEATHER

Are you going to kill us?

 

JO

No, I don't want to kill anyone.

 

BRENDA

It looked like you wanted to kill Mooch.

 

JO

I only wanted to scare her.

 

BRENDA

(Goes to fallen MOOCH)

I think you succeeded. Can we go now?

 

JO

I was hoping it would be enough. But still, I don't feel like,

 

HEATHER

(Sees flashing lights out window)

I think we have a problem.

 

JO

Who called the cops?

 

BRENDA

We didn't.

 

JO

Mooch must have called them before she came out. Now what do I do?

 

BRENDA

Surrender. You haven't really done anything, yet.

 

MOOCH

(Wakes up)

Am I still alive or has someone summoned my spirit?

 

 

JO

Unfortunately you're still among the living. Now get up before that changes.

(BRENDA and HEATHER help MOOCH up)

 

MOOCH

I see the police have arrived.

 

JO

No thanks to you.

 

MOOCH

I saw danger in my future so I took the liberty of calling them.

 

HEATHER

Isn't she amazing?

 

JO

Perhaps you can see a way out of this for me.

 

BRENDA

Give yourself up. It's the only way.

 

HEATHER

(Looks to window)

Now I think there's a news crew.

 

MOOCH

Oh, think of all the publicity.

 

JO

I have to know what's going on out there. Turn on your TV, Mooch.

(MOOCH goes to TV and turns it on)

 

REPORTER

(Voice)

We're live outside Madame Moose's shop:

 

MOOCH

Mooch not Moose.

 

JO

I think I like Moose better.

 

REPORTER

(Voice)

The police say the suspect is armed and dangerous.

 

JO

That doesn't sound good.

 

BRENDA

Maybe if you tell them your story then they'll go easy on you.

 

JO

That might give me some satisfaction being able to tell the news what a big fraud she is.

 

MOOCH

Can't you shoot me in the foot and run. That would be much better for business.

 

JO

How about I shoot you in the foot AND talk to the reporter.

 

HEATHER

Shhh. Wait. They have the lottery numbers at the bottom of the screen.

 

BRENDA

Heather. Can't that wait?

 

HEATHER

Three! I've got a three.

 

BRENDA

Heather, please, not,

 

HEATHER

Five! Got a five!

 

BRENDA

Heather,

 

HEATHER

Nine! We've got three numbers.

 

JO

You've got to be kidding.

 

HEATHER

Twenty! We're winning!

 

BRENDA

(Getting into it)

Twenty-five. We have twenty-five.

 

HEATHER

49!

 

BRENDA

And the Powerball is,

 

HEATHER

Seven! We won!

 

MOOCH

I told you so.

 

BRENDA

We won! We won!

(Dances around with HEATHER and JO)

 

JO

(HEATHER and BRENDA are still jumping up and down. JO looks at her gun. Looks at them. MOOCH stops them and points to JO)

So how much did you win?

 

BRENDA

Not much.

 

HEATHER

Only 95 million.

 

JO

95 million! Dollars?

 

MOOCH

No, Powerballs.

 

JO

Shut up!

(To HEATHER and BRENDA)

This changes everything.

(Points gun and holds out hand)

Hand over the ticket.

(JO is distracted so MOOCH sneaks around behind her)

 

BRENDA

Easy come, easy go.

 

HEATHER

No,

 

BRENDA

No, what?

 

HEATHER

No, I'm not giving her our ticket. This is our ticket.

 

BRENDA

Heather, this is no time to get a backbone.

 

HEATHER

But we won it. It's ours.

 

BRENDA

(Shrugs and smiles sheepishly at JO)

It's amazing what a few million can do to a person.

 

JO

Hand it over or I'll take it off your dead body.

 

MOOCH

(Picks up crystal ball and moves behind JO)

Oh, Jo?!

(JO turns and MOOCH smashes it on her head)

She didn't see that coming.

(JO falls to the ground and passes out)

So what do you girls say to sharing that ticket?

 

HEATHER

Sure! I think I could spare a million or two.

 

BRENDA

It's the least we could do. I assume there's a "we" in this deal.

 

HEATHER

Of course, I wouldn't have bought this without you.

 

BRENDA

I have to ask you, Mooch, are you always picking winning numbers?

 

MOOCH

Never. I got lucky this time.

 

BRENDA

Incredible.

 

HEATHER

I think we better go get the police before Jo wakes up.

 

MOOCH

I'll get them. Keep an eye on her.

(Runs out door)

 

BRENDA

What a story. Those reporters will be all over us.

 

HEATHER

We'll be famous.

 

END OF PLAY

 

For a version without a bat instead of a gun, follow this link: http://freedrama.net/nfbat.html

From the play "Somebody Famous" - buy a low cost PDF at Sellfy.com

When you purchase a PDF, you may make as many photocopies as needed (but please do NOT repost the text online in any way).

Purchasing a PDF of this script gives you the rights to use for:
Auditions
Classrooms
Workshops
Camps

If you use the script in a paid performance where admission is charged or in a competition, please pay the royalty:

https://sellfy.com/p/1MQC/

This royalty covers all performances that occur within one month's time.

IMPORTANT: Please be sure to get permission from your competition for the script before performing it.

Nobody Famous (a free online comedy play script)


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