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Romance on the Rocks
by D. M. Larson
A Dark Comedy for 3 Actors (1 male 2 female)
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ISBN-13: 978-1546726845
RHONDA
What is this? You ask me to meet you in the middle of nowhere… near a cliff. Should I be worried?
PHIL
It's our six month anniversary. I wanted to do something special.
RHONDA
God, has it been six months already? What's so romantic about a bunch of rocks?
PHIL
It's where we met.
RHONDA
It is?
PHIL
I was parked here enjoying the sunset. I love how the sun hits the water and sets the water on fire. You were lost and stopped here to ask me for directions. You seemed to like my car a lot.
RHONDA
Very expensive. I figured you were a guy with good taste.
PHIL
And you gave me your number. It took me forever to call.
RHONDA
No kidding. I should have taken that as a sign.
PHIL
You didn't remember me until I mentioned my car.
RHONDA
It's a memorable car.
PHIL
So I thought it would be fun to bring you back here… and enjoy the sunset together... But you're a little late. You missed it.
RHONDA
Whatever. You've seen one sunset you've see them all.
PHIL
I think everyone is unique and different - like snowflakes.
RHONDA
Can we go now ? I hope you planned something else because this is pretty lame and it’s getting dark.
PHIL
l - I got you a card - I meant to get you better one but my favorite bookstore is going out of business and they only had a few cards left.
(She opens it and checks for gift cards or a present but it's just a card. She reads it annoyed)
RHONDA
You put the choo in my choo choo?
PHIL
It made me laugh.
RHONDA
That makes one of us. So is this all you got me?
PHIL
I wanted to get a picture of us too. Remember how you wanted me to take a picture of you with my car? Well I wanted to do it again but with both of us together.
RHONDA
How are you going to do that? You were standing way over there.
PHIL
I brought a tripod.
RHONDA
Well where is it?
PHIL
Oh man. I think the wind blew it over the cliff. There it is. I think I can reach it.
RHONDA
Forget it. Let’s go.
PHIL
I can almost touch it
(She walks away and turns her back to him)
RHONDA
You know what. I'm not sure this is working out for us.
(PHIL falls - NOTE: staging for this can be difficult - Phil can fall off some fake rocks onto a mattress hidden upstage or he can fall over some fake rocks to the side of the stage so the audience can see him but the other actors do not)
PHIL
Ah!
RHONDA
No, don't say anything. I know you're upset but I need to get this off my chest. I don't think we're right for each other. Sure you have money and a cool car but that's it. There's nothing more to you. And I just don't think I can be with someone so superficial anymore. I need a guy who thinks more about what I want. You're so caught up in sunsets and books and poetry. I need someone who is caught up in me. I should feel important. What I want should be important to you. So that's why I'm leaving you... Leaving you and that wonderful car of yours. And all that money...
(PHIL moans)
PHIL
Ahhh…
RHONDA
No please don't tempt me any longer with your materialism. I need to be free. Free to be with someone puts me first and gives me my heart's desire. Goodbye Phil.
(Silence... JULIANA enters)
JULIANA
Star light star bright, the first star I see tonight, I wish I may I wish I might get the wish I wish tonight. I love the stars here… above the ocean... away from the city lights - so bright so pure
(PHIL moans)
PHIL
Uhhhhh.
JULIANA
What was that? Who's there? I have a weapon! It's a really big stick.
PHIL
Can you use it to help me? I kind of fell off the cliff.
JULIANA
You better not be lying. I'm a kickboxer and I'm not afraid to bust out a can of whoopass.
PHIL
Please call someone. I need help
JULIANA
I don't have a phone. I hate technology. I believe in body, mind and spirit as the key to unlocking our inner happiness.
PHIL
I dropped my phone somewhere. You see it?
JULIANA
I found it. What's the password?
PHIL
Throw it to me. I'll call.
JULIANA
I'm helping you and you don't trust me with your password?
PHIL
Please.
JULIANA
Fine. Here.
(JULIANA throws the phone)
PHIL
No! Oh! Hey!
JULIANA
Did I miss?
PHIL
If you were aiming for the ocean then you were right on target.
(JULIANA lowers her stick to him)
JULIANA
Grab my walking stick. I will pull you up.
PHILl
Are you strong enough?
(She pulls him up)
PHIL (CONT.)
Oh.
JULIANA
That strong enough for you?
PHIL
You work out or something?
JULIANA
All the time. My dream is to be an ultimate fighting champion.
PHIL
So your body mind and spirit all combined to becoming the next UFC champ. I'm getting getting visions of power rangers now. I think I hit my head.
JULIANA
You're bleeding.
PHIL
Oh man.
JULIANA
Blood. I can't handle.
(She passes out)
PHIL
You faint at the sight of blood! And you want to be a kickboxer?
(He tries to stand up)
PHIL (CONT.)
Oh my leg... I hurt my leg... my head... pounding... throbbing... I can't see very well… getting dizzy now...
(He passes out on JULIANA. RHONDA returns)
RHONDA
You know what Phil? Maybe I was a little hard on you... you...
(RHONDA sees PHIL on top JULIANA)
RHONDA (CONT.)
What's this?! You're with another woman? I'm gone like 5 seconds and you replaced me?
Don't play possum with me. I know you two are just pretending to be passed out… trying sleeping through this.
(RHONDA kicks PHIL)
RHONDA (CONT.)
How you like that! Huh Phil?
(She gets worried all the sudden and gasps)
Phil? Is that blood? Oh no - what am I going to do? I can't have anyone find me with another dead body. What should I do? I'll put them in his car and let it roll off the cliff... that will work... make it look like an accident. No one has to know.
(RHONDA tries to pick up JULIANA)
RHONDA (CONT.)
Wow this girl is heavy.
(JULIANA wakes up and RHONDA tries to pretend like nothing is wrong)
RHONDA (CONT.)
Oh, hi. How are you?
JULIANA
What's going on?
RHONDA
I rescued you.
JULIANA
You did?
RHONDA
That man was attacking you.
JULIANA
He was?
RHONDA
Yes, he's bad news.
JULIANA
What do we do with him?
RHONDA
Put him in the car and push it off the cliff.
JULIANA
What? No, I can't do that.
RHONDA
Please.
JULIANA
No!
RHONDA
Pretty please.
JULIANA
Are you nuts? We have to get him to a hospital.
RHONDA
You mean he's not dead?
JULIANA
Not yet.
RHONDA
Soon maybe?
JULIANA
You going to help?
RHONDA
I'd rather not… tah-tah.
(RHONDA leaves)
PHIL
Rhonda? Rhonda? Is that you?
JULIANA
Hey, are you Rhonda?
RHONDA (OFF)
No!
(PHIL sits up)
PHIL
I am so sorry I disappointed you.
JULIANA
You should probably lie back down.
PHIL
No, Rhonda. I have to tell you this. It's important.
JULIANA
You should really wait... Let's get you to your car.
PHIL
Rhonda I never told you this but there's a reason I never gave up on you, there's a reason I kept trying to make this relationship work.
JULIANA
Up you go... over to the car.
PHIL
I always felt like even though you were self centered and egotistical that if I could help you change.
JULIANA
So that was Rhonda.
PHIL
I always wanted to help people. I was given everything I needed to be happy and so I wanted to help others with what I have. I thought I could help you. I wanted to make you a better person.
JULIANA
Your heart is in the right place but it's not really fair to force her to change. It's better to find someone who is right for you just the way they are. Forcing people to change to suit you is bad too. If you have to change them then they aren't a good match.
PHIL
But I don't want to be alone forever.
JULIANA
You seem like your heart is on the right place... some day you'll find a woman who will appreciate that kind heart of yours.
PHIL
So it's over, Rhonda?
JULIANA
It's over.
PHIL
Oh good because you're a real pain in the ass.
JULIANA
Well said.
(JULIANA helps PHIL walk to his car)
END