CAST
OF CHARACTERS
PATSIE: Owner of restaurant
PAUL: PATSIE's husband
JAQUE: Techno-Ghost Buster
MONIQUE: Psychic Ghost Buster
HOST: Mysterious stranger.
SCENE
1
(Lights
come up on a small restaurant.There a
few tables in the room.A sign says food
and spirits.Below that sign is a hand
written sign that says, And we don't mean the alcoholic kind.On a daily special board it reads, Boo Bugers, Sance Sandwitch, Boo Berry Pie.The
cleaning lady, SAL, is sweeping up.Hears something.Freezes. Looks around nervously.
Nothing.
She shrugs, shakes her head, and continues to clean.One of the owners, PATSIE, enters nervously
and looks around)
PATSIE
Hello? Any ghosts in here?
PAUL
(Follows PATSIE in)
You can relax, Patsie.The ghost
busters are here.
PATSIE
This isn't funny, Paul.
PAUL
Paying money to have these
guys come on scare our ghosts is what's funny.
PATSIE
As long as they get rid of
them, that's all I care about.
(First
enter JAQUE.He is in a suit, slicked
back hair, and carries some electronic gadgetry.MONIQUE follows.MONIQUE is an older lady that's flamboyantly
dressed and looks around at nothings like a cat)
JAQUE
I'm getting some strong
readings here.
MONIQUE
(Rushes to him dramatically)
Let me see.
(Looks)
Yes, excellent.Exactly as I expected.THIS is the room.
PAUL
Brilliant.We already
told her that on the way in.
PATSIE
Hush, Paul.
JAQUE
(Waves his gadget around)
The strongest readings are
there.
(Points
to a chair at one of the tables one of the audience members is sitting in)
And there.
(Points to the ceiling above that table)
PATSIE
Oh, my gosh.He's right.
PAUL
Did you tell him that?
PATSIE
NoThey haven't ever been in this room before.
MONIQUE
Please tell us more of the
history of this room.What do you know
already about the ones who inhabit this place?
PATSIE
We don't know much at all
actually.
PAUL
We bought this building a
year ago because it was cheap.We've
always wanted to start a restaurant, but couldn't afford it.
PATSIE
The reason this building was
so cheap was because people claimed it was haunted.
PAUL
I've never believed in that
stuff so I thought what the heck. Let's
get it.
PATSIE
Everyone around here knew the
story of it being haunted so we made a big deal out of it.
PAUL
We decided to call it the Boo
Caf.
PATSIE
I thought it sounded cute.
PAUL
Everything went great for a
while.This became a popular little spot
to eat.
PATSIE
Then strange things started
to happen.
MONIQUE
Things started to disappear?
PATSIE
(Amazed)
Yes
MONIQUE
Objects would be in one
place, then show up in another.
PATSIE
Exactly.How did you
know?
MONIQUE
That's usually how it
starts.
PAUL
I didn't believe any of it
though until that one night.
MONIQUE
The night you'd never forget.
PATSIE
We'd closed up that night and
went outside to get in the car and go home.
We started to drive off but Paul told me to stop.
PAUL
I saw a light go on.I immediately thought burglars.
PATSIE
I told Paul we should call
the police but he wanted to go in and scare them off himself.He ended up getting scared instead.
PAUL
I wouldn't say I was scared.
PATSIE
I would.
PAUL
Anyway, I got out of the car,
pulled out the tire iron from the trunk and headed for the door.I froze when I saw
MONIQUE
(Pointing fearfully at ceiling above the table
mentioned before)
a
body hanging there
PAUL
(Surprised)
Yes.
MONIQUE
(Now starting to sob)
And crying crying from that
chair.
PAUL
yes.
MONIQUE
(Falls into the chair)
Oh, John. John!!!
PAUL
Is she okay?
JAQUE
Step back.She picking up a
presence.
(Holds up gadget)
Look at these readings.They're off the chart.
PATSIE
Are you sure this is safe?
JAQUE
Completely.
(Crossing dramatically to MONIQUE)
Spirit?
(MONIQUE just sobs)
Spirit!Tell me you name!
MONIQUE
Oh, John. Why?
Why did you do this?
JAQUE
John?Who is John?
MONIQUE
I loved John.I loved him so much.
JAQUE
What happened? What happened to John?
MONIQUE
I want to die.
JAQUE
Please, tell me what happened
here.We want to help.
MONIQUE
I want to die!
(Runs for a knife on another table)
PATSIE
Look out!� She's after the knife.
JAQUE
(Grabs MONIQUE as she grabs the knife)
Spirit!Spirit be gone!
(MONIQUE drops the knife and then goes limp)
Get her a chair.
(PAUL rushes to get one and sits her in it)
PATSIE
Is she okay?
JAQUE
When a spirit enters and
leaves her, it drains her completely.
MONIQUE
(Weakly)
Jaque?
JAQUE
Yes, Monique?
MONIQUE
Check your meter.
JAQUE
What?
MONIQUE
Check it, quick.
JAQUE
I'm getting another
reading.Different
this time.
MONIQUE
John?John, are you there?
(She
pauses)
I hear him.
JAQUE
What is he saying?
MONIQUE
He says, he says, my neck
hurts so bad.
JAQUE
Strangulation, did he hang
himself?
MONIQUE
John?Did you hang yourself?Yes?
Yes?I see.
PATSIE
What did he say?
MONIQUE
He said that his lover,
Sarah, loved another.
PATSIE
But she sounded like she
loved him to me.
MONIQUE
John?Do you think it was a mistake?Some kind of
misunderstanding?John.Listen to me.John!
PATSIE
What's wrong?
JAQUE
We're losing him.
MONIQUE
John?Don't go.
Listen to us.You must listen.
JAQUE
He's still there, barely.
MONIQUE
She didn't love another.She loved you, John.She loved you bad enough to kill herself when
she found you dead, John.It was you she
loved.It was you!
(She screams and goes limp in the chair)
JAQUE
He's gone.He's really gone.
PAUL
Really gone?
JAQUE
He's no longer a restless
spirit.He has moved on to the
afterlife, that's what I mean by really gone.
He now knows the truth and that has set him free.
PATSIE
But what
about Sarah?
JAQUE
(Goes to MONIQUE and pats her on the hand)
Monique? Can you hear me?
PATSIE
She looks so weak.Maybe we should push her.
JAQUE
But we must know!
PAUL
Perhaps we should let her
rest first.
MONIQUE
(Weakly)
Jaque
JAQUE
I'm here, Monique.It's okay now.
MONIQUE
Sarah is so upset.She didn't understand why John killed
himself.She didn't know he thought she
was unfaithful.Oh, poor John.Poor Sarah.She was only trying to make him jealous so
he'd pay more attention to her. There
really wasn�t another man. She just
wanted John to think that so he'd want her more.
PATSIE
Oh, my gosh.That's so sad.
PAUL
But he's gone now.
(Looks around)
isn't he?
JAQUE
He's gone.I'm certain of it.My readings showed a vortex opening that
allowed him to pass to the other side.
PAUL
What about Sarah?
JAQUE
It's hard to say.I'm still getting some reading, but nothing
as strong as before.
MONIQUE
I imagine she may stay for a
time.But as soon as she realizes that
John is at rest, she will move on too.
PATSIE
Is there anything we can do
to speed up the process?
MONIQUE
Just speak to her when you
sense her presence.Tell her you
understand, let her know you're here for her.
JAQUE
But I don't think you'll
experience anything like that night again.
PAUL
Thank goodness.
PATSIE
(To MONIQUE)
Are you sure you're okay?
MONIQUE
I could use something to
drink.
JAQUE
(Trying not to look annoyed)
We'll get you something
later.
PATSIE
It's no trouble.I'll just run to the kitchen and get
something for you.
MONIQUE
A double mocha latte with
whipped cream will be just fine.
JAQUE
To go.
PAUL
Here, let me help you.We'll be right back.
(PAUL and PATSIE exit L)
JAQUE
Double mocha
latte with whipped cream?Could you be any more specific?
MONIQUE
At least I didn't ask for a
martini.
JAQUE
The first rule of exorcism is
get out fast before they ask too many questions.Now we're staying for coffee.
MONIQUE
It's not ordinary coffee, Jaque.It's a mocha
latte.
JAQUE
Whatever.Just get it
and let's get out of here.
MONIQUE
Well, I think that went
rather well.
JAQUE
(Smiles)
One of best, I'd say.
HOST
(Claps.He should look like he appears from a dark
corner of the room.JAQUE and MONIQUE
are startled)
Brilliant
performance.Must say I was almost convinced.
MONIQUE
Where did you come from?
HOST
I didn't mean to startle
you.You look like you just saw a
ghost?
(Laughs)
JAQUE
How long have you been in
here?
HOST
The whole time I'd say.I came in for a boo burger, but I didn't
realize I'd have a show too.
MONIQUE
That was no show.We do legitimate work.
JAQUE
Yes, we are professionals.
HOST
Professional
con artists is what I'd say.
MONIQUE
How dare you.
HOST
Now don't go get your panties
in a bunch, lady.Your act is very
convincing.
JAQUE
This is no act.
HOST
Yes, yes, so you claim.Between your little gadgets and the lady's
performance, you have quite a thing going.
JAQUE
I'll have you know that I
have put years of research and study into what we do!
HOST
Sure, sure.Can I see your gadget there?
JAQUE
What?
HOST
Can I see it?
JAQUE
This is very sensitive
equipment.I don't allow anyone to play
with it.
HOST
(Trying to get a look at it)
Let me guess.When you say there's a ghost, you turn the
flashing lights on and when the ghost starts to come or go you change how often
it flashes I'd guess.
JAQUE
Now look here, buddy...
HOST
Don't get violent.Remember, I'd admire your abilities to do
this.Not anyone can do what you do.
MONIQUE
If you think we're frauds,
then how did we know that stuff about the chair and ceiling?
HOST
I'd guess that someone came
in here and spied around.One of you
interviewed people who come here a lot.
I'm sure the owners have told the story a million times to a million
people.
MONIQUE
Why are we even talking to
you?Maybe he was sent by Maya Fantasma to discredit us.
JAQUE
Or maybe you were sent by
Ghosts and Spirts, Inc.?
HOST
GAS?No, they're
not nearly the pros you guys are.
JAQUE
First right thing you've said
all night.
HOST
Let's cut to the chase.I want to hire you.
MONIQUE
You think we're frauds and
you want to hire us?
JAQUE
Sorry, we don't work for
people who doubt our abilities.
HOST
I'll pay you fifty thousand
dollars!
MONIQUE
Fifty
thousand?
HOST
Each.
JAQUE
Each?
HOST
For one
night's work.
MONIQUE
How soon do you need us?
(She pulls out a small calendar and pencil)
HOST
I'll expect you on Friday
night at 10 pm.We'll meet right here in
this very restaurant.I'll speak to the
owners about it.
JAQUE
Wait.We don't do return visits.
MONIQUE
(Grabs him roughly)
We make exception.
JAQUE
So are you going to supply
the ghost?We've already dealt with the
current residents.
HOST
Actually you haven't.
JAQUE
What do you mean?
HOST
I happen to know personally
that you haven't fully discovered the full depth of the spirits here.
MONIQUE
I sense no other presences.
HOST
I trust that you'll find a
way.
JAQUE
So you've seen something else
here?
HOST
You could say that, yes.
MONIQUE
What can you tell us about
this experience you've had?
HOST
Oh, no fair.I want to see what you can figure out on your
own.
JAQUE
But with
nothing to go on?
MONIQUE
(Grabs him again)
We can do it.
HOST
That's what I thought.You're the best.If anyone can handle this, you can.
MONIQUE
We aim to please.
HOST
Oh, and they'll be a camera
crew there.KBOO out of Albuquerque
would like to do a story on you
JAQUE
Camera
crew.Um, I don't know.
MONIQUE
(Pulls JAQUE aside)
That's free publicity.
JAQUE
That's a FOX affiliate.They don't want the truth.They just want a cheap thrill.
MONIQUE
Then that's what we'll give
them.We'll be famous.Everyone in New Mexico will want us to come
and exorcise their ghosts.
JAQUE
I have a bad feeling about
this.Something tells me there's more
here than meets the eye.
MONIQUE
Hey, I'm the one who's
supposed to have the funny feelings.
JAQUE
So do you have any?
MONIQUE
No, I don't.And even if I did, it wouldn't matter.He's offering us fifty thousand dollar
each.
JAQUE
But why would he...
MONIQUE
He probably wants to find a
way to discredit us.We've dealt with
these types before.Or maybe he's making
some sort of documentary on ghost hunters.
It doesn't matter.Worse case
scenario, we move someplace else and do our show there.We've done it before and we can do it again.
JAQUE
Or maybe this can be our last
hurrah. I'm getting a little tired of
playing ghost buster.
MONIQUE
Retirement?Really? But what
will you do with yourself?
JAQUE
I don't know.I love cars.
Maybe I'll go work for a car dealership.
MONIQUE
A car
salesman?How's that any different than this?
JAQUE
Look, tell the guy we'll do
it.But keep in mind,
if this goes sour on us, I'm done.
MONIQUE
Fine.
(Returns
to HOST)
We,ll be here.
HOST
I,ll be looking forward to
it.
MONIQUE
As will we,�
(Turns to JAQUE.HOST fades back into the
darkness).
This is so great.I just know this will go well.If we can put on a good show then we'll put
GAS, inc. out of business.
JAQUE
This will either make or
break us.That's for sure.
MONIQUE
Oh, wait.Let me get his number, Mr. Host?
JAQUE
He's gone.
MONIQUE
Weird.
JAQUE
Spooky is what I say.
MONIQUE
Come on.Let's get out of here.We have some planning to do.
JAQUE
I still think something weird
is going on.I can just feel it.
MONIQUE
Look, I'm the only one who
has funny feelings around here, okay.
(JAQUE and MONIQUE exit)
HOST
(Reappears from
darkness)
This is going to be fun.
(Lights fade to black)
END OF SCENE
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