The Ghost Hunters
of Route 666

By D. M. Larson
Copyright (c) 2005

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CAST OF CHARACTERS

 

PATSIE: Owner of restaurant

PAUL: PATSIE's husband

JAQUE: Techno-Ghost Buster

MONIQUE: Psychic Ghost Buster

HOST: Mysterious stranger.

 

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SCENE 1

 

(Lights come up on a small restaurant.There a few tables in the room.A sign says food and spirits.Below that sign is a hand written sign that says, And we don't mean the alcoholic kind.On a daily special board it reads, Boo Bugers, Sance Sandwitch, Boo Berry Pie.The cleaning lady, SAL, is sweeping up.Hears something.Freezes. Looks around nervously. Nothing. She shrugs, shakes her head, and continues to clean.One of the owners, PATSIE, enters nervously and looks around)

 

PATSIE

Hello? Any ghosts in here?

 

PAUL

(Follows PATSIE in)

You can relax, Patsie.The ghost busters are here.

 

PATSIE

This isn't funny, Paul.

 

PAUL

Paying money to have these guys come on scare our ghosts is what's funny.

 

PATSIE

As long as they get rid of them, that's all I care about.

 

(First enter JAQUE.He is in a suit, slicked back hair, and carries some electronic gadgetry.MONIQUE follows.MONIQUE is an older lady that's flamboyantly dressed and looks around at nothings like a cat)

 

JAQUE

I'm getting some strong readings here.

 

MONIQUE

(Rushes to him dramatically)

Let me see.

(Looks)

Yes, excellent.Exactly as I expected.THIS is the room.

 

PAUL

Brilliant.We already told her that on the way in.

 

PATSIE

Hush, Paul.

 

JAQUE

(Waves his gadget around)

The strongest readings are there.

(Points to a chair at one of the tables one of the audience members is sitting in)

And there.

(Points to the ceiling above that table)

 

PATSIE

Oh, my gosh.He's right.

 

PAUL

Did you tell him that?

 

PATSIE

NoThey haven't ever been in this room before.

 

MONIQUE

Please tell us more of the history of this room.What do you know already about the ones who inhabit this place?

 

PATSIE

We don't know much at all actually.

 

PAUL

We bought this building a year ago because it was cheap.We've always wanted to start a restaurant, but couldn't afford it.

 

PATSIE

The reason this building was so cheap was because people claimed it was haunted.

 

PAUL

I've never believed in that stuff so I thought what the heck. Let's get it.

 

PATSIE

Everyone around here knew the story of it being haunted so we made a big deal out of it.

 

PAUL

We decided to call it the Boo Caf.

 

PATSIE

I thought it sounded cute.

 

PAUL

Everything went great for a while.This became a popular little spot to eat.

 

PATSIE

Then strange things started to happen.

 

MONIQUE

Things started to disappear?

 

PATSIE

(Amazed)

Yes

 

MONIQUE

Objects would be in one place, then show up in another.

 

PATSIE

Exactly.How did you know?

 

MONIQUE

That's usually how it starts.

 

PAUL

I didn't believe any of it though until that one night.

 

MONIQUE

The night you'd never forget.

 

PATSIE

We'd closed up that night and went outside to get in the car and go home. We started to drive off but Paul told me to stop.

 

PAUL

I saw a light go on.I immediately thought burglars.

 

PATSIE

I told Paul we should call the police but he wanted to go in and scare them off himself.He ended up getting scared instead.

 

PAUL

I wouldn't say I was scared.

 

PATSIE

I would.

 

PAUL

Anyway, I got out of the car, pulled out the tire iron from the trunk and headed for the door.I froze when I saw

 

MONIQUE

(Pointing fearfully at ceiling above the table mentioned before)

a body hanging there

 

PAUL

(Surprised)

Yes.

 

MONIQUE

(Now starting to sob)

And crying crying from that chair.

 

PAUL

yes.

 

MONIQUE

(Falls into the chair)

Oh, John. John!!!

 

PAUL

Is she okay?

 

JAQUE

Step back.She picking up a presence.

(Holds up gadget)

Look at these readings.They're off the chart.

 

PATSIE

Are you sure this is safe?

 

JAQUE

Completely.

(Crossing dramatically to MONIQUE)

Spirit?

(MONIQUE just sobs)

Spirit!Tell me you name!

 

MONIQUE

Oh, John. Why? Why did you do this?

 

JAQUE

John?Who is John?

 

MONIQUE

I loved John.I loved him so much.

 

JAQUE

What happened? What happened to John?

 

MONIQUE

I want to die.

 

JAQUE

Please, tell me what happened here.We want to help.

 

MONIQUE

I want to die!

(Runs for a knife on another table)

 

PATSIE

Look out!� She's after the knife.

 

JAQUE

(Grabs MONIQUE as she grabs the knife)

Spirit!Spirit be gone!

(MONIQUE drops the knife and then goes limp)

Get her a chair.

(PAUL rushes to get one and sits her in it)

 

PATSIE

Is she okay?

 

JAQUE

When a spirit enters and leaves her, it drains her completely.

 

MONIQUE

(Weakly)

Jaque?

 

JAQUE

Yes, Monique?

 

MONIQUE

Check your meter.

 

JAQUE

What?

 

MONIQUE

Check it, quick.

 

JAQUE

I'm getting another reading.Different this time.

 

MONIQUE

John?John, are you there?

(She pauses)

I hear him.

 

JAQUE

What is he saying?

 

MONIQUE

He says, he says, my neck hurts so bad.

 

JAQUE

Strangulation, did he hang himself?

 

MONIQUE

John?Did you hang yourself?Yes? Yes?I see.

 

PATSIE

What did he say?

 

MONIQUE

He said that his lover, Sarah, loved another.

 

PATSIE

But she sounded like she loved him to me.

 

MONIQUE

John?Do you think it was a mistake?Some kind of misunderstanding?John.Listen to me.John!

 

PATSIE

What's wrong?

 

JAQUE

We're losing him.

 

MONIQUE

John?Don't go. Listen to us.You must listen.

 

JAQUE

He's still there, barely.

 

MONIQUE

She didn't love another.She loved you, John.She loved you bad enough to kill herself when she found you dead, John.It was you she loved.It was you!

(She screams and goes limp in the chair)

 

JAQUE

He's gone.He's really gone.

 

PAUL

Really gone?

 

JAQUE

He's no longer a restless spirit.He has moved on to the afterlife, that's what I mean by really gone. He now knows the truth and that has set him free.

 

PATSIE

But what about Sarah?

 

JAQUE

(Goes to MONIQUE and pats her on the hand)

Monique? Can you hear me?

 

PATSIE

She looks so weak.Maybe we should push her.

 

JAQUE

But we must know!

 

PAUL

Perhaps we should let her rest first.

 

MONIQUE

(Weakly)

Jaque

 

JAQUE

I'm here, Monique.It's okay now.

 

MONIQUE

Sarah is so upset.She didn't understand why John killed himself.She didn't know he thought she was unfaithful.Oh, poor John.Poor Sarah.She was only trying to make him jealous so he'd pay more attention to her. There really wasn�t another man. She just wanted John to think that so he'd want her more.

 

PATSIE

Oh, my gosh.That's so sad.

 

PAUL

But he's gone now.

(Looks around)

isn't he?

 

JAQUE

He's gone.I'm certain of it.My readings showed a vortex opening that allowed him to pass to the other side.

 

PAUL

What about Sarah?

 

JAQUE

It's hard to say.I'm still getting some reading, but nothing as strong as before.

 

MONIQUE

I imagine she may stay for a time.But as soon as she realizes that John is at rest, she will move on too.

 

PATSIE

Is there anything we can do to speed up the process?

 

MONIQUE

Just speak to her when you sense her presence.Tell her you understand, let her know you're here for her.

 

JAQUE

But I don't think you'll experience anything like that night again.

 

PAUL

Thank goodness.

 

PATSIE

(To MONIQUE)

Are you sure you're okay?

 

MONIQUE

I could use something to drink.

 

JAQUE

(Trying not to look annoyed)

We'll get you something later.

 

PATSIE

It's no trouble.I'll just run to the kitchen and get something for you.

 

MONIQUE

A double mocha latte with whipped cream will be just fine.

 

JAQUE
To go.

 

PAUL

Here, let me help you.We'll be right back.

(PAUL and PATSIE exit L)

 

JAQUE

Double mocha latte with whipped cream?Could you be any more specific?

 

MONIQUE

At least I didn't ask for a martini.

 

JAQUE

The first rule of exorcism is get out fast before they ask too many questions.Now we're staying for coffee.

 

MONIQUE

It's not ordinary coffee, Jaque.It's a mocha latte.

 

JAQUE

Whatever.Just get it and let's get out of here.

 

MONIQUE

Well, I think that went rather well.

 

JAQUE

(Smiles)

One of best, I'd say.

 

HOST

(Claps.He should look like he appears from a dark corner of the room.JAQUE and MONIQUE are startled)

Brilliant performance.Must say I was almost convinced.

 

MONIQUE

Where did you come from?

 

HOST

I didn't mean to startle you.You look like you just saw a ghost?

(Laughs)

 

JAQUE

How long have you been in here?

 

HOST

The whole time I'd say.I came in for a boo burger, but I didn't realize I'd have a show too.

 

MONIQUE

That was no show.We do legitimate work.

 

JAQUE

Yes, we are professionals.

 

HOST

Professional con artists is what I'd say.

 

MONIQUE

How dare you.

 

HOST

Now don't go get your panties in a bunch, lady.Your act is very convincing.

 

JAQUE

This is no act.

 

HOST

Yes, yes, so you claim.Between your little gadgets and the lady's performance, you have quite a thing going.

 

JAQUE

I'll have you know that I have put years of research and study into what we do!

 

HOST

Sure, sure.Can I see your gadget there?

 

JAQUE

What?

 

HOST

Can I see it?

 

JAQUE

This is very sensitive equipment.I don't allow anyone to play with it.

 

HOST

(Trying to get a look at it)

Let me guess.When you say there's a ghost, you turn the flashing lights on and when the ghost starts to come or go you change how often it flashes I'd guess.

 

JAQUE

Now look here, buddy...

 

HOST

Don't get violent.Remember, I'd admire your abilities to do this.Not anyone can do what you do.

 

MONIQUE

If you think we're frauds, then how did we know that stuff about the chair and ceiling?

 

HOST

I'd guess that someone came in here and spied around.One of you interviewed people who come here a lot. I'm sure the owners have told the story a million times to a million people.

 

MONIQUE

Why are we even talking to you?Maybe he was sent by Maya Fantasma to discredit us.

 

JAQUE

Or maybe you were sent by Ghosts and Spirts, Inc.?

 

HOST

GAS?No, they're not nearly the pros you guys are.

 

JAQUE

First right thing you've said all night.

 

HOST

Let's cut to the chase.I want to hire you.

 

MONIQUE

You think we're frauds and you want to hire us?

 

JAQUE

Sorry, we don't work for people who doubt our abilities.

 

HOST

I'll pay you fifty thousand dollars!

 

MONIQUE

Fifty thousand?

 

HOST

Each.

 

JAQUE

Each?

 

HOST

For one night's work.

 

MONIQUE

How soon do you need us?

(She pulls out a small calendar and pencil)

 

HOST

I'll expect you on Friday night at 10 pm.We'll meet right here in this very restaurant.I'll speak to the owners about it.

 

JAQUE

Wait.We don't do return visits.

 

MONIQUE

(Grabs him roughly)

We make exception.

 

JAQUE

So are you going to supply the ghost?We've already dealt with the current residents.

 

HOST

Actually you haven't.

 

JAQUE

What do you mean?

 

HOST

I happen to know personally that you haven't fully discovered the full depth of the spirits here.

 

MONIQUE

I sense no other presences.

 

HOST

I trust that you'll find a way.

 

JAQUE

So you've seen something else here?

 

HOST

You could say that, yes.

 

MONIQUE

What can you tell us about this experience you've had?

 

HOST

Oh, no fair.I want to see what you can figure out on your own.

 

JAQUE

But with nothing to go on?

 

MONIQUE

(Grabs him again)

We can do it.

 

HOST

That's what I thought.You're the best.If anyone can handle this, you can.

 

MONIQUE

We aim to please.

 

HOST

Oh, and they'll be a camera crew there.KBOO out of Albuquerque would like to do a story on you

 

JAQUE

Camera crew.Um, I don't know.

 

MONIQUE

(Pulls JAQUE aside)

That's free publicity.

 

JAQUE

That's a FOX affiliate.They don't want the truth.They just want a cheap thrill.

 

MONIQUE

Then that's what we'll give them.We'll be famous.Everyone in New Mexico will want us to come and exorcise their ghosts.

 

JAQUE

I have a bad feeling about this.Something tells me there's more here than meets the eye.

 

MONIQUE

Hey, I'm the one who's supposed to have the funny feelings.

 

JAQUE

So do you have any?

 

MONIQUE

No, I don't.And even if I did, it wouldn't matter.He's offering us fifty thousand dollar each.

 

JAQUE

But why would he...

 

MONIQUE

He probably wants to find a way to discredit us.We've dealt with these types before.Or maybe he's making some sort of documentary on ghost hunters. It doesn't matter.Worse case scenario, we move someplace else and do our show there.We've done it before and we can do it again.

 

JAQUE

Or maybe this can be our last hurrah. I'm getting a little tired of playing ghost buster.

 

MONIQUE

Retirement?Really? But what will you do with yourself?

 

JAQUE

I don't know.I love cars. Maybe I'll go work for a car dealership.

 

MONIQUE

A car salesman?How's that any different than this?

 

JAQUE

Look, tell the guy we'll do it.But keep in mind, if this goes sour on us, I'm done.

 

MONIQUE

Fine.

(Returns to HOST)

We,ll be here.

 

HOST

I,ll be looking forward to it.

 

MONIQUE

As will we,�

(Turns to JAQUE.HOST fades back into the darkness).

This is so great.I just know this will go well.If we can put on a good show then we'll put GAS, inc. out of business.

 

JAQUE

This will either make or break us.That's for sure.

 

MONIQUE

Oh, wait.Let me get his number, Mr. Host?

 

JAQUE

He's gone.

 

MONIQUE

Weird.

 

JAQUE

Spooky is what I say.

 

MONIQUE

Come on.Let's get out of here.We have some planning to do.

 

JAQUE

I still think something weird is going on.I can just feel it.

 

MONIQUE

Look, I'm the only one who has funny feelings around here, okay.

(JAQUE and MONIQUE exit)

 

HOST
(Reappears from darkness)

This is going to be fun.

(Lights fade to black)

 

END OF SCENE

 

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The above script is an old version of the play. Read the latest version of the play below:

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