(PROFESSOR WHAT enters wearing a red fez, a multicolored scarf and Converse shoes of two different colors. DEBBY enters in strange scifi / medieval princess outfit)
DEBBY: Is this the Professor What set?
DEBBY: What a minute, are you Professor What?
PROFESSOR: I am today and was yesterday, but maybe not tomorrow.
DEBBY: That’s one of your catch phrases, isn’t it?
PROFESSOR: Hard to say. I have so many. Doesn’t really feel like a catchphrase if I’ve only said it once or twice, but it works on a shirt, so that’s all the matters really.
(DOTTY rushes in carrying her costume)
DOTTY: Is this the Professor Why show set?
DOTTY: I said, is this the Professor Why set?
(PROFESSOR WHAT laughs and exits)
DEBBY: No, it’s “What.”
DEBBY: I don’t know. It just is.
DOTTY: What are you talking about?
DEBBY: No, who am I talking about.
DEBBY: That’s one of his catchphrases.
DEBBY: Professor What.
DEBBY: Get it?
DOTTY: Got it.
DOTTY: Where are we?
DEBBY: They’re about the shoot a scene with Gretta Griffin.
DOTTY: The famous child actress? She’s on this show?
DEBBY: She’s a guest star. She’ll be on a few episodes this coming season.
DOTTY: That’s so cool. I wondered what happened to her. I don’t think I’ve seen her in anything as an adult.
DEBBY: Maybe she’ll be one of those child actors who actually makes it.
DOTTY: That must be so hard to get all that attention when you’re a kid and then become yesterday’s news when you’re an adult.
DEBBY: I hear it’s a pretty rough way to grow up.
DOTTY: It is still cool to be in a scene with her even though she’s not as famous now. I wonder if she still looks the same.
DEBBY: As when she was a kid? I hope not. That would be a weird looking adult.
DOTTY: Here she comes. She does look a little bit the same.
DEBBY: Yeah, kind of. Weird.
(GRETTA enters looking grumpy and annoyed followed by the director, HARVEY)
GRETTA: You all better be ready. I don’t want to be working on this scene all day.
(SYLVIA joins HARVEY and PROFESSOR WHAT readies himself for his entrance)
HARVEY: Here we go. Quiet on set everyone. Rolling. Action.
(GRETTA suddenly turns sad and vulnerable. She takes out a handheld recorder)
GRETTA: Why did you leave me here?! I didn’t ask for this. You drag me on some adventure and then drop me off with no clue how to get back. That’s just great. Wonderful! I’m so glad I was spontaneous and rushed off for something exciting and mysterious. How could I be so stupid?! I didn’t even know you that well. Sure, you were cute… and fun. And made me laugh. But I didn’t really know anything about you. You offered me something I never had before though… freedom. I was trapped in my life. I didn’t think there was ever a way out. It’s strange how easily we get trapped in our lives. You get things you want, but then you become a slave to those things, having to make payments, having to keep them repaired, and then paying more money to fix or replace them. Nothing is ever paid for. Or on those rare occasions where you do pay something off, then it breaks soon after, or some new flashy model comes along that you have to have. I guess that’s what you were. You were some flashy new model that got my attention and offered me something better. But that’s all you were… flash. Flash and no substance. You gave up on me like everyone else. Gave up and left me here… alone… worse off than when I started. Am I worse off though? You did show me some amazing things that I’d never seen. I did feel more alive than I ever felt before. My old life left me feeling dead. But you made me live… and live well… even if it was for a little while.
(PROFESSOR WHAT rushes in)
GRETTA: There you are! Where have you been?!
PROFESSOR WHAT: Blimey! Don’t get your knickers in a twist. I came back for you.
GRETTA: I thought you left me.
PROFESSOR WHAT: I didn’t mean to scare you there. But I found myself looking at various bits ‘n bobs and ended up lost some place I’d been before. And I was puzzled, because I shouldn’t be lost, I knew the place. Yet, I didn’t know where to go. That’s what happens when you travel through time and space. You get caught up in the weirdest boobly doobly clocky wocky kind of stuff. What you got there, lass?
GRETTA: This? I was just making a recording… I was leaving you a message.
PROFESSOR WHAT: A message for me? What does it say?
GRETTA: It doesn’t matter. What matters is you and me and today. Where are we going next?
PROFESSOR WHAT: The question should be, when are we going next?
(PROFESSOR WHAT turns to the camera dramatically)
HARVEY: And cut. Fantastic. I smell a new catchphrase. “When are we going next?”
SYLVIA: Good one, eh?
HARVEY: I love it. Send that to advertising.
GRETTA: Please tell me I don’t have to do that scene again.
SYLVIA: That was brilliant. I loved it. You captured the words perfectly. You made me feel like I was reliving a moment in my life… the moment in my life I was writing about… when I was young and foolish… and this dashing young man caught my eye. He swept me off my feet and I don’t think I hit solid ground for at least a year. But then he was gone.
GRETTA: Whatever. I’m just doing my job. Hire a method actor if you want someone to get all emotional about it.
SYLVIA: Oh, okay.
GRETTA: You can stop talking to me now.
(SYLVIA exits. GRETTA notices DOTTY and DEBBY and gets a sour look)
GRETTA: Are these the two aliens for the next scene?
DEBBY: It’s wonderful to meet you, Gretta.
(GRETTA ignores DEBBY and turns to HARVEY)
GRETTA: They’re too pretty.
DOTTY: Thank you.
GRETTA: It says in my contract that there are to be no distractions in my scenes.
DOTTY: Are we distractingly pretty? Wow.
DEBBY: I don’t think that’s good, Dotty.
HARVEY: I’ve already cast them. We’re shooting that scene next.
GRETTA: Pull some people from the crew or something. I’m not sharing my scene with them.
(GRETTA stomps out)
HARVEY: Sorry, ladies. I’m going to have to let you go.
DOTTY: Go? Where?
DEBBY: What? You’re firing us! Because we’re too pretty?
HARVEY: I just want to get this over with so I don’t have to deal with her anymore. Sorry about that.
DEBBY: This was our big chance to get a speaking role. You know how hard we worked for this? We must have done a million auditions before getting this. We’re starving ourselves, struggling to make a living in this town, trying to get a job like this, and you take it away, just like that. This was huge for us.
HARVEY: You’ll still get paid. Just go, please, before she comes back.
DEBBY: It’s more than the pay. This was going to be our moment.
DOTTY: Let’s go, Debby. We’re still getting paid.
DEBBY: I demand satisfaction. I demand justice.
DEBBY: No! This isn’t right. Where’s the producer? I’m taking this to the top.
(SECURITY enters and drags DEBBY out. DOTTY stands frozen in confusion)
Amazing, isn’t it? This has to be the best WonderRificCon ever!
Totally. Linda Carter was like the first Wonder Woman, right?
Many actresses have played Wonder Woman. Lucy Lawless has been her too.
The chick who played Xena Warrior Princess?
Wow, she gets all the cool parts. So, which line is this? Old or new Wonder Woman?
Don’t call Linda Carter old. That’s not polite.
How about spinning Wonder Woman or sword Wonder Woman?
Better. What was the question again?
I don’t remember.
Oh, thats right. You asked which line is this? It’s to meet both. I bought the super deluxe wonder pack. I get to meet them both, get their autographs and get a picture with them. It wasn’t cheap. Quite expensive actually. That must be why I’m the only one in the line.
You rich or something?
No, not at all, I’ve been saving for this ever since I found out. I gave up my cable and my smartphone. And cut back on eating out. Well, I cut out most food in general. Ramen noodles are good and cheap. I found all kinds of way to cook them. All the sacrifices are worth it. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. They’re my heroes.
Wonder Woman isn’t real, you know?
She’s real to me.
(MARIANNE is very forceful about this and pouts. RANDY looks around a minute before asking:)
How long have you been waiting?
(RANDY notices her sleeping bag)
I’ve been waiting here for two days. I’m first in line too!
It must be a pretty expensive line if you’re the only one.
It shows I’m the most dedicated fan of all. I’m their biggest fan!
Isn’t that a quote from a horror movie?
You’re scaring me.
You have nothing to fear. Wonder Woman is here.
In the building somewhere. Two of them actually. I wonder what’s going on? It seems like hardly anyone is here now.
I think everyone went to the other building for something.
There’s another building at the convention center?
I came over here because I hate crowds.
They told me this was line. Do you think they told me the wrong place?
Who did you talk to?
She sounded like she thought she was important. I think she said her name was Ashley. Her clothes were very sparkly.
That’s our state beauty queen pageant winner Ashley Addams. Miss Walla Walla Washington. She thinks she going to be the next Miss America.
Why is she here?
Doing a comic book store promo for her cousin or something as a favor. My theory is that she has to do community service for some crime she’s committed.
Please tell me she told me the right place to go.
Judging by the way she is pointing over here at you and laughing with her friends… maybe not.
This is terrible! Why would she do this to me?
Because she’s a jerk. She thinks she’s better than everyone else and tries to make sure us pee-ons know it.
What am I going to do? What if I missed it? I’m going to be last in line!
Last call for fans waiting to see Gal Gadot in building C, floor 12.
This is building A.
There’s a third building?
With 12 floors! I’m going to miss them!
Not if I have anything to do with it. Come on!
What are you doing?
(RANDY gathers all her stuff)
Helping you see Wonder Woman! Here I come to save the day! Randy is on the way!
(RANDY takes her hand and they run)
And when we’re done, we’ll come back and tell everyone about Ashley’s life of crime. How about that Miss Community Service?!
END OF SCENE
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